This is the first year that I did not put up the kid’s Christmas tree. You know the one with all the ornaments the kids grew up with. Last year I put it up in my cabin along with a Santa tree. This year I only have a small snowman tree in my cabin. My woodland tree is in the big house. And it’s beautiful. 

I started purchasing woodland ornaments back when I worked at Eitel’s Florist and Gifts. I had hopes of one day having a cabin in a woods. I left Eitel’s the last day of 2018 after working there for seven years. Holidays at Eitel’s didn’t disappoint.

I was blessed with my cabin a year ago but the woodland tree is in the house. The woodland theme, though, is carried throughout our home and cabin.

Accumulating snow began on November 29th, the day of our family Thanksgiving. We would have a couple days of melting and then the snow would return. And it continues today, along with temps that will fall below zero. Seems rather early in the season to have this much snow and cold but, honestly, it’s been a winter wonderland. 

Indoors or out, this beautiful holiday season surrounds me. Throw in the Hallmark channel with all the sappy Christmas movies and I’m quite content.

I’m grateful for the beauty of the outdoors and the warmth within our home. Today is a good day. 

♥️

Andi

I’ve been MIA. Yes, it’s been difficult for me to write. Not that I don’t have anything to say because I do. I always have something to say. I like to think that in the past I’ve had important things to share, like hard lessons I’ve learned with hopes that sharing might help someone else along the way. I have wanted to lift up and inspire. But for the past six months…well, I’ve been humbled. Greatly. I discovered that I’m not invincible. That I’m not as smart as I thought I was. So maybe I have learned a hard lesson after all.

While I sat back eating a large piece of humble pie slathered in whipped cream, I watched and listened to others do their thing. It doesn’t matter who a person is…a politician, a healthcare worker, clergy, a Christian, a friend, a foe, right or left, etc., no one has all the answers. Not all the correct answers anyway. Even those with the best intentions and convictions can be wrong. Like me. I guess I didn’t feel worthy to write. 

I didn’t take care of myself as I should have. There. I finally said the quiet part out loud. Thinking my own smartness was going to keep me healthy and infallible was my first mistake. No single person has all knowledge and all the correct answers.  Life is about continually searching for truth in every aspect of our life. And that means research, research, research. It also means not being totally closed off to new ideas and suggestions. 

With all that transpired since June with my infection, my biggest takeaway is this: there is much pain with the lack of movement. Now I understand more fully why the elderly hurt so much. Especially those who are wheelchair bound or bedridden. Lack of movement causes pain. 

I did not feel well. With my tooth infection, inflammation spread like a wildfire within my body. I did not, could not, move. I’ve never experienced anything like this. Atrophy happens quite rapidly with lack of movement and I’ve only gotten weaker and weaker over the months. The weakness throughout my lower body has felt like the worst body ache you can imagine from the flu. And it never went away for months. 

The infection is now gone so now I’m starting over from scratch. I’m gently trying to build strength and endurance without irritating arthritis in various joints. I’m trying to push through the body aches. I bought the Waver by LifePro, which is a vibration plate, and also a slant board. I love these. I started feeling better immediately. I just have to remind myself…baby steps. I was always an all-or-nothing girl. I would jump in with both feet and not allow myself any slack or grace. I’m learning more about being kinder to myself. I also do daily trigger point therapy with lots of icing. It’s all time consuming but very necessary if I want to have a normal life. Actually, I’m striving for better than normal. It’s good to have goals. 

So there you have it. This is where I’m at. I can write about all this today because today is a good day. I do feel I’m on the upward swing…finally. 

I actually just now discovered that there is such a thing as humble pie.

The ingredients in my “humble” pie are not as tasty as the recipes I found online so I don’t recommend my recipe. Regret, arrogance, pain, guilt, and humility don’t make for a tasty pie…no matter how much whipped cream covers it.

I want this to be the last post about my troublesome year. I’m over it. I’m done with it. I am looking forward to a great 2026. 

♥️

Andi

Original post: November 1, 2021. Edited.

For some reason my life seems to center around this particular date. I began to compile a list of significant events because they all seemed to have one thing in common. They all happened on November 1st.

It’s not all been good, but they are highlights; meaningful in one way or another. Here are a few of the most notable.

November 1, 2011
I began my first job after being a stay-at-home mom for a couple of decades. It was part-time at first as I still had children at home and was homeschooling. This job was with an amazing floral company. It was much more than just a flower shop. The gift line was spectacular along with its specialty food items. It finally closed in 2020 after being in business for 110 years. I was with the company for 7 years but left one year prior to its closure. The holidays there were magical. Especially Christmas.

November 1, 2013
I bought my first home. I walked in and knew it had to be mine. Oh, how I loved it. Being a homeowner wasn’t without its challenges though. Especially my yard. I called this place home for 11 years. I sold it just last year. I’m grateful for all it provided for me and my children.

November 1, 2016
This day was one of the absolute worst days of my life. My best friend for over 30 years passed away in her sleep. She was the best of the best. I could write volumes about this amazing woman but, tonight, it hurts. So I won’t. Nine years ago today…and I still break down in tears.

November 1, 2020
I brought Nyx home. She was a year and a half old and came with some big issues. Almost to the point of me taking her back. But in reality, she needed me as much as I needed her. Five years later, we have this amazing connection. I couldn’t ask for a better dog. We are both imperfect but perfect together.

November 1, 2021
I entered a fall photo contest sponsored by an insurance company. Two of my photos made it to the final five and people were able to vote on them on FB. I’m not on FB so I didn’t know how the voting was going, so it was a surprise when I received an email of my winning photo. The photo was taken in Maine, 2019.

Is it unusual that out of the 365 days in a year, to experience so many remarkable events on one day? Do you have a notable date in your life?

♥️

Andi

This past winter was very difficult for me. It was bitter cold and windy. It was my first winter without any children living with me. My first winter, in many years, of not working outside the home. My first winter in a new home with my new husband. So many life changes in a relatively short period of time.

I was anxious for summer to arrive. Summer is typically my least favorite season, but I had high hopes after the long, dark winter. 

In June, I did something fun, which centered around my grandchildren. I had my first grandma‘s camp. It was a week filled with activities, and I kept things moving from one thing to the next. They were all tuckered out, but happy.

I loved that camp week, and I honestly thought that the weeks that followed were weeks of recouping due to age, or whatever. But the recouping went on too long. I just didn’t recover as I should have. My body hurt from head to toe and I found it difficult to walk. 

The first part of July, I got an earache. The earache traveled down into my jaw. I had mild swelling underneath my jaw. I went to an urgent care facility and they diagnosed me with rhinitis. She said I did not have an infection. She told me to take Flonase and Claritin because my sinuses were backed up which I thought it was odd because I didn’t have a stuffy head, runny nose, or any signs of a sinus issue. She said I wouldn’t necessarily feel any of those. I felt I had minor relief while using those products. But I never got over it. I continued to have swelling under my jaw.

Over the months, I tried stronger medication to try to get this sinus issue under control. But it just never went completely away. Meanwhile, my body hurt, ached, like the body aches you get from the flu. My joints became very inflamed and it greatly affected my hip and both knees. The left side of my face hurt terribly, along with all my teeth on that side. Advil became my best friend.

July was a tough month. It was very hot here in Indiana so we kept the drapes and blinds closed to keep the cool inside and the heat out. The darkness along with pain only added to the depression I was already experiencing.

August came and went. September came and went. 

Finally I quit the Flonase and two weeks later I quit the Allegra. I was tired of taking this stuff. But I didn’t feel any better. In fact, I was getting worse. I went back on the Flonase and that’s when I started the Xyzal. 

I went away to Leo for a couple of days. During the night, my jaw and whole left side of my face hurt terribly. The swelling was worse and was actually turning into a hard mass. I decided I would once again go back to the urgent care clinic. I went the day after I got home.

I was seen by a different nurse practitioner and she diagnosed me with sinusitis. But she saw that I actually had an infection and she gave me Augmentin.

I decided to go to an another medical doctor whom I had heard good things about. He got me in about five days after my last clinic visit. He was extremely concerned about the amount of infection in my face and for how long it has been going on. He immediately sent me out that day for a CT scan. He also started me on shots of antibiotics. He said it was either that or be admitted to the hospital to have antibiotics administered through IV.

The radiology facility was an hour and a half from home. So by the time I got home, the doctor called me with the CT scan results. He informed me that I had an abscess under a tooth and a great amount of infection. He said I had been misdiagnosed all along, but at least they finally gave me the right antibiotic. He said I should have been put on antibiotics in July. 

The next step was to get the tooth extracted so we could start working on the infection. The dentist showed me an x-ray and how the infection affected the nerve in my jaw which made all of my teeth on the bottom hurt. I didn’t know that the one tooth was cracked all the way across and down into the root. One tooth didn’t hurt more than  another so this was all very confusing to me all these months. All of my teeth hurt on the bottom and the top teeth on the same side also ached, but not as intensely. So I thought possibly it was related to sinus issues.

Last week was a nightmare for me. Within two days the mass on my jaw almost doubled in size. The pain was traveling down my neck and I could feel it when I was swallowing and talking. I was a sick girl. Without getting into too much detail, I was finally able to find someone to pull my tooth but that, in itself, was a challenge. 

My medical doctor has me on two types of antibiotics currently and I’d say within three or four days the mass in my jaw will be completely gone…if the progress continues as it has been.

Still, I am depleted. My body aches, and I have to rest often. I hope I can recover fully. I believe that I will. It’s just about loving myself and giving myself time, and permission, to be ”lazy” as I heal. But here it is. The summer is gone and we are headed back into winter soon. And I’m so not ready. I did take a couple of fun day trips with my “sisters” (my sister-in-laws and their cousin) this summer. Those were fun trips even though I wasn’t my best.

Needless to say, I have not been writing nor have I had any desire to write on my blog.

I had a reader reach out to me this morning, concerned about why I haven’t been writing. That is why I am writing this post now. I know when I feel better my desire to write will return. I still believe writing is my passion. It’s just been misplaced.

I know that things happen for a reason. It’s all about learning and growing and becoming stronger. I now have a greater compassion for those who are dealing with long-term illnesses, disabilities, and pain. Although my condition could have led to serious life-threatening conditions, it didn’t, even though I need to respect that I am not completely out of the woods yet. But I have learned a lot about myself and that I am not always a positive or pleasant person when I am in pain. 

I’ve read about and watched videos of those who live in constant pain, who have cancer, are disabled, or are on their deathbed. I see how positive, hopeful, loving, and inspiring they are. I have discovered that I am a long way from being anything like them. And I am disappointed in myself with that new revelation. But it’s all about learning and growing, of which, I have much to do of both. 

♥️

Andi

Lament. What does this word mean? It’s not used much in today’s world. Lament means to mourn, to regret deeply, or to grieve. 

A vast majority of our country, and those in other countries as well, are grieving. The grief isn’t solely on behalf of a young man killed for his willingness to stand for right things. It is the deep regret of realizing that we haven’t stood up as we should for those same right things. 

We grieve because we have been shown, quite vividly, the magnitude of evil that surrounds us on a daily basis. And how badly out-of-control we’ve allowed this evil to grow by simply doing little-to-nothing. 

I went to church today. The first time in a very long time. I know I need more of Jesus in my life. It’s been a deep ache for quite a while now. This past week just pushed me a little harder to do something.

I tried to pull what I could out of the message, but I didn’t get what I wanted. I still feel, well…weird, for lack of a better description. So I need to do some soul searching on what I felt was lacking. It could be simply that weirdness I can seem to shake. Or, the feeling of being lost in this chaotic world. 

Maybe I was needing a hug or some type of confirmation from a stranger who went through the same difficult week as me. Perhaps, I just need deeper conversations with God to help me be more receptive. 

But one takeaway from the message was found in the word lament. Lament is a time to grieve freely. Not hurriedly, or in shame for taking this time for yourself. Grieving is a gift. It allows us to feel what it is to be human. Grieving comes from the heart and the deepest recesses of the soul. It is good for you. It brings about an awareness. And I truly mean it when I say it is a gift. 

My daughter-in-law and I had this conversation the other day. We were discussing how we should allow ourselves to feel physical pain instead of burying it deep with pot, alcohol, or pharmaceuticals. Feeling every emotion and pain lets us know we are alive. 

So lament if you need to, but don’t allow yourself to fall back into stagnation afterwards. Be watchful. Be mindful. Be willing to learn. Be willing to speak up. And to God give all the glory. 

♥️

Andi

Photo credits: my daughter, Charlie

I know that I am not living to my full potential in this life. I’ve never been more sure of that statement as in these last four days. 

I am 64 years old and I’ve been brought to my knees by the death of a man half my age. Charlie lived life to his full potential. And I have been humbled.

Living our full potential. What does that mean? I suppose it’s something different to everyone, but each of us knows, deep inside, whether we can accomplish more in this life, or not. For me, personally, I know I can do more. 

Regardless, of what our calling is, we can make a positive difference somewhere in our corner of the world, or in every corner of the world…like Charlie.

There is an ear willing to hear from a voice willing to speak. We need to be that voice of truth.

Three times now in my life, I have wondered why a loved one passed when they were doing so much good in this world. But it always came down to this: I was leaving it up to them to pull my weight; to do the work assigned me (to each of us) because they were so good at it. They worked diligently and without a single complaint. 

Their deaths pushed me to a higher level. To love God more fully, and to see the bigger picture. A picture where I need to be very present, willing, and able…with the gifts and talents I possess. Whether I write, or speak, or teach, I need to be busy about God’s work. I need to profess my love for our country more. 

The cross and the flag can work together for the good of all people. God blessed this country from the start. Charlie knew this and lived his life to its full potential to prove that God is very real, that the family unit is the foundation of all society, and this country is the greatest in all the world. 

We have learned something from this tragedy. It’s very clear by the outpouring of love and compassion shown throughout our country and, actually, throughout the world. But it doesn’t stop at the tears shed today. We need to work together to continue Charlie’s good work…and through it all, give God the glory.

♥️

Andi

I haven’t been inspired to write much as of late. Probably because I just haven’t felt well. But I am inspired this morning. 

I found this powerful quote yesterday evening while scrolling through the news. 

When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re only telling the world that you fear what he might say. ~ George R. R. Martin

This quote was shared last night in reference to the assassination of Charle Kirk. 

What a sad time in America.

I followed Charlie. As part of the older generation, I was proud of him. Charlie was a brilliant young man. He was crisp and clear in his speech. He could think fast on his feet. That’s because Charlie knew exactly what he believed in. He followed his heart and he knew his stuff. He knew the laws of our nation and he knew the laws of God. He didn’t just dabble in either. He went full in. 

Charlie was brilliant. He was very aware of the chances he took with every meeting and heated debate he was a part of. And you know that he had that discussion with his wife too. Probably way more than once. Still, that doesn’t soften her anguish now. Or ours. And yes, my heart is hurting terribly. As should everyone’s. 

Charlie was assassinated because he was effective. He had a love for our younger people and saw this great need to heighten their awareness of, and love for, God, country, and family. He was about unity. He was about a better life to be had for all humans. A good life that was attainable. He was smart and he made sense. Most of all, he spoke truth. And he was very effective in his approach. 

But the other side (regretfully, there are sides) can’t have this effectiveness especially for the younger generation whom they want groomed in a different and self-serving manner. He died because kids listened. And we older adults listened as well.

Charlie died doing what he loved. He was a great young man with a bright future. He will be missed by so many. Especially by his beautiful young family. 

Melania Trump touched my heart last night with her words.

“Charlie’s children will be raised with stories instead of memories, photographs instead of laughter, and silence where their father’s voice should have echoed.”

I read this morning that the assassination was professionally done. I’m not sure how those involved can sleep at night. Especially, the shooter. 

This is a sad time in America. There are two very distinct sides who want two totally different outcomes for our people and our country. Sadly, one is about power, money, and control. The other is of unity, love, compassion, and freedom. 

They think that by taking him out, they have silenced the masses. Quite the contrary. This is an awakening of sorts. Charlie didn’t die in vain.

I am sad today. I will be sad for a while. We all lost a friend in Charlie. 

The President lowered our flags to half-staff in honor of Charlie. I have a picture of a flag at half-staff on my lock screen of my phone. Not because of a “hey…look at me” attitude. No. It’s because I honor Charlie and example of the life he lived and now through his legacy. He made good use of his short time on earth. We could all stand to learn from Charlie Kirk. 

♥️

Andi

Sunbeams sliver through the darkness of the woods and glisten the dewdrops hanging tightly to the fence near where I sit.

A new morning. A new day. 

Last night I admired the starry sky. I saw the Big Dipper and recalled seeing the very same stars from the driveway of my Waukegan home in my early teens. I also thought about the sailors of long ago who used this same sky as their map. 

I think about Joshua, Noah, and Kings David and Hezekiah who saw the same moon, stars, and sun as I see today. While many things have changed over the centuries between us and them, I find comfort in the things that have remained the same. That which is familiar. This is a reminder to me that God never changes. That his Son and his promises are forever.  

We live in a unique time period. More often than not it’s controversial, strained, and divided. Advancements in technology, especially AI, are not without worry. I believe the further we move away from the familiar to the unbelievable, the further we move from God. 

As we swiftly move forward, creating entities that are actually smarter than us, while emphasizing progress instead of caution, Geoffrey Hinton, “godfather” of AI technology, stated…

“They’re going to be much smarter than us and the only good outcome is if they care about humanity the way a mother regards her child. If it’s not going to parent me, it’s going to replace me.”

To find my peace in this I must return to that which is familiar and remember that God still in control. He remains the same, forever and always. It’s my job to make sure that I am loving him and sharing that love. 

♥️

Andi

One thing about life is you just never know. In the scheme of things we really know nothing. All we know is know is what we’ve lived up to this very moment. That’s it. We can plan for the future, but…

We just don’t know.

So this afternoon when my daughter, Charlie, sent me a picture of shoes that she was undecided about whether or not to buy, my thought immediately went to a text I received earlier today addressed to The Gal Pals. These girls are my besties from Leo where we went to high school. One of the girls tragically lost her daughter last night. How our hearts ache for hers! We all have kids about the same age. We aren’t supposed to bury our children. 

Charlie, buy the shoes. 

I was out admiring my wild flowers when Charlie texted me. I had debated long enough whether to cut stems for myself. I felt a little selfish since I planted them for the bees and butterflies. Today I cut enough stems for a small vase. I left more than enough for my insect friends. 

Andi, cut the flowers.

Because…we just don’t know.

♥️

Andi 

Sending much love to you, Robin. 💔

Dani is my wonderful daughter-in-law. She is married to my second son, Jet. She’s an adoring wife and wonderful mother to their 3 year old daughter, Juneau. She is also an artist and I’d like to share her talent with the world. Dani excels in watercolor and I love receiving framable birthday cards that she paints just for me.

I asked Dani a few questions about her art and I am sharing her response with you.

I absolutely love watercolor. It’s the least forgiving of all the mediums out there but I have always appreciated how low maintenance it is. All I need is some good paper, my Daniel Smith pocket pallet, a few good brushes and I’m set. I have tried acrylic and oil and they both had some drawbacks that always made me come back to watercolor and it just stuck.

I draw inspiration from a lot of different sources. Years ago I really fell in love with Beatrix Potter. Her books full of beautiful wildlife illustrations quickly became a favorite source of inspiration. In addition to wildlife, I have always loved creating abstract pieces. I love having creative freedom without the confines of a reference photo and allowing the viewer to have their own interpretation. I do however love using photos from our travels as a reference. I don’t mind sitting for hours with a captured moment of a happy memory because it takes me back to those lovely adventures.

Oftentimes paintings created from a reference photograph take several hours and days to complete, but at the end of the project I likely feel a bigger sense of accomplishment in comparison to my abstract pieces.

The frog painting was created using a reference photograph taken on one of our trips to Costa Rica. We were staying at a lodge in Arenal that overlooked Arenal Volcano. Every night we were there we went out with our headlamps and would check every banana leaf on the property for red eyed tree frogs. They are majestic little animals I only knew of in wildlife books growing up. I never actually thought I’d get to see one in person, so this photo encapsulates a very special moment for both my husband and me. Of all the places we have traveled to, Costa Rica still remains in the top 3 because of all the beautiful wildlife we see when we visit. 

This is just a small sample of her artwork. I am so very proud of who she is as a wife and mommy, but she’s also a blessed addition to our family as a whole. And I love her as my own.

♥️

Andi

I love this quote. It’s from the movie The Magic of Belle Isle.

Morgan Freeman (one of my favs) was teaching his nine year old neighbor how to use her imagination when he told her to never stop looking for what’s not there. Freeman portrays a well-known author, Monte Wildhorn, who lost his ambition and inspiration to write after his wife passed away. Together, he and his young new friend, discover (and rediscover) imagination through the art of storytelling. Monte also discovers that life and love can continue even after loss. This is a great, heartwarming story.

I found it interesting, though, that this little girl did not understand imagination at nine years old. But then I thought of today’s world. Phones, tablets, and TVs have replaced dirt, grass, and trees for our young children. Playing outdoors seems to be a thing of the past. In my opinion, this mindset is dulling young minds to be less creative or imaginative as we become more “tech dependent” for our entertainment. And we are in constant need to be entertained, instead of creating our own entertainment.

Growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, we were outside all day long. And so were all the neighborhood kids. None of us wanted to be cooped up in a house. That was unheard of. I remember my siblings and I would play “house” in the weeds on the property next to ours when we were young. We’d make rooms by smashing down the weeds. We used the seeds of the weeds, flowers, milkweed pods, and small sticks to make our pretend food for our meals. Sometimes my sister and I had pretend husbands, like Greg Brady, Bobby Sherman, or Davy Jones. That was imagination. 

Whether you are writing, or just daydreaming, consider looking for what’s not there in plain sight. Think of the possibilities. On this beautiful morning I sat outside enjoying the beginning of this new day. I stared at the grass noticing the many annoying corn flies and gnats hovering in and around it. Then I thought about what I couldn’t see below the grass. There’s actually a whole ‘nother world down there at dirt level. I guess others imagined the same and created the movies A Bug’s Life and Antz.

Currently, as I edit my own children’s story, I think about this quote and whether I used it to create my story. I can definitely see that looking for what’s not there would help any story to be more interesting. 

Looking deeper into something or creating something spectacular out of nothing is using your imagination.  This is something our kids (and we) could use more of. 

♥️

Andi

One of my favorite seasons is tightly squeezed in between summer and fall. It’s the shortest season of the year. Back to School.

Ahhh…I can smell those pencil shavings now. 

My heart flips a little when I see the seasonal aisles near the front of the store filled with notebooks, folders, glue, and lunch boxes. 

I was one of those giddy little school girls who actually got excited for the school year to start. Our first day of school was always the day after Labor Day and the year ended in May. Three months of summer vacation. That was awesome. Even though I loved summer break, I couldn’t wait for school to begin. When I homeschooled my kids, even with all the planning, scheduling, placing orders for books and buying supplies, I was excited for school to start. Back to School was a great season as it led us into the next season, and my favorite…fall. 

Not sure how many people actually enjoy Back to School as much as I do. Perhaps it is just one of my many quirks. Oh, well…I gladly accept that! 

♥️

Andi

It’s been difficult to write lately unless something extraordinary inspires me. Like heroes in my last posts. 

July was simply not a good month for me. It was a month of pain. Physical pain. I spare you the details of my physical wellbeing. Let’s just say it’s a month I wish never to repeat. Although I’m still not where I want to be, or where I should be, I’m better than just a couple of days ago. Maybe soon, I’ll feel like socializing and being a part of this world again. Today, though, is not that day.

Yesterday, Frodo, my daughter’s cat, went to live with her. She was able to get an apartment that accepted animals. Frodo lived with me and D for over a year. And while he was a frequent pain in my arse, I’m still feeling somewhat of a loss today. The house is very quiet. He is a very vocal cat. He even bossed my dog, Nyx, around. Frodo certainly has a lot of personality. But now his toys and belongings are all gone. It was like having a little one here. I hope he will make the adjustment okay. 

I guess I’m feeling a little melancholy because of my physical pain (of which I’m so very tired of) and our missing family member. So Nyx and I ventured outside.  We walked out to our fencerow of wildflowers. The view lifted my spirits. So beautiful.

I’m sitting on my cabin porch as I write. It’s an overcast day. Very still too. The heavy blue-grey clouds are moving west which is odd to me. The birds are singing their songs to one another. Bird conversations are always much louder at the cabin. They almost drown out the sound of the pond fountain. But that’s okay. I will miss their song in the winter. 

No one’s life is perfect. Perfect in the sense of burden-less, stress-less, or even pain-free. I find it helpful to make time to reflect on all the blessings that I do have. God is just so good. 

Recently, though, I was so overwhelmed with pain, I could not even consider time for reflection. I guess that can happen. Pain changes you. It did me anyway. But today is finally that day. And I am grateful.

♥️

Andi

As I was writing about Jet and his longtime hero, Ryne Sandberg, I began to reflect on heroes in my life. Did I have one? Off hand, I cannot recall having a hero in my youth, as did Jet. I do realize, though, I have many heroes today. 

I will say that Jet is a hero of mine. I truly mean that. He’s taught me many things about myself without him even realizing it. He’s strong and meek at the same time. He’s very kind and reserved. Much like his own hero.

But that goes the same for his five siblings. They have all taught me a lot about life. Lessons I may never have learned without their help. They are very unique individuals, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, but their combination creates a whole for me. My kids have their own set of super power strengths. While they do have powers that intertwine and overlap with one another other, these are the powers that stand out the most for each of them.

Nathan – autodidact, creative, inquisitive

Jet – goal achiever, dedicated, articulate  

Denae – determined, gracious, spirited 

Ezekiel – resilient, upright, imaginative

Charlie – assertive, intuitive, humorous

Mattea – courageous, sensitive, thoughtful

D is a new hero to me. He has made it through life by being true to himself, yet self-sacrificing. He is self-sufficient, kind, and humble. His deep sense of caring comes from his heart so his every action is done purposefully and with meaning. 

I have dear friends I consider to be heroes as well. Friends who are not recognized for the great things they do for others. Mostly, they go unnoticed and unseen. It doesn’t seem fair, yet more often than not, they prefer it this way.

Truth is that heroes don’t come wrapped with pretty ribbon. They don’t have a scar on their forehead like Harry Porter, nor do they sport capes. Heroes look like fathers, or a server at your neighborhood Denny’s. Heroes are single moms, your child’s bus driver, a well-known second baseman, a step-dad, or a school crossing guard. A hero might be someone who simply brought out the best in you. One who helped you discover the talents you never realized you had. A hero may have been in your life for only a short time but truly made a difference in who you are today. A hero may have simply touched your heart.

Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, colors and creeds. You might not recognize them at first, but you will if you sit down long enough to talk with them. You’ll know by their quiet, selfless disposition. You will know by how much they love others. 

Who’s the hero in your life?

♥️

Andi

It’s 11:00 pm. and I can’t sleep. 

My daughter, Charlie, shared with me tonight that Jet’s hero passed away. So Jet has been heavy on my heart.

Ryne Sandberg, a cherished second baseman (retired) for the Chicago Cubs died today after a battle with cancer. He was Jet’s hero. 

1984 was a big year for both Ryne and Jet. On June 23rd of that year, Ryne’s world got bigger and better during the game against the Cardinals. Ryne played so brilliantly that the game would be forever referred to as “The Ryne Sandberg Game”. Ryne also received the 1984 National League Most Valuable Player Award. 

Later that year, on December 30th, Jet took his first breath and his life (and mine) also became bigger and better. 

All through Jet’s youth and into his adulthood, Ryne was Jet’s hero.

As I am reading up on Ryne at this late hour, I see that Ryne was a “quiet superstar” who didn’t purposely draw attention to himself. But because of what he did, and how well he did it, the attention was automatic. This reminds me of my boy. Jet is one of the most humble people you will ever meet. He doesn’t intentionally draw attention to himself either. But his work speaks volumes and draws the crowd. 

Here’s one example of Jet’s humility. Several years ago, I was driving around O’Hare Airport in Chicago when I noticed several billboards of Brian Urlacher who is a former linebacker with the Chicago Bears. I knew Jet had been working with Brian on a project. I called Jet while I driving past one billboard after another and asked him about it. While Jet didn’t specifically design the billboards, they were the photos he took of Brian during the project they were working on. He didn’t brag on himself. He never told me that his work made it to billboards in the heart of Chicago. That was a proud momma moment for me. I was deeply moved by Jet’s humbleness.

A few years ago, Jet had the privilege to meet his hero. He and Ryne worked on a project together along with Brian Urlacher.

A dream come true. 

I wrote until the wee hours of the morning and am now finishing this post after speaking with Jet, sending him my sympathy, and getting permission to use his photos. 

Jet doesn’t post on Facebook much but he did this morning and he shared his words with me.

When I was a kid, Ryne Sandberg was a legend. Ryno was the kind of icon you only saw on TV, the player I pretended to be while playing little league. I remember saying things like, “I bet Sandberg could hit it over those trees way over there.”

Years later, as he was being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, I was just getting my start in the video industry. Then on April 1, 2016, three days before the start of a very special season for Cubs fans, our paths crossed.

They say you should never meet your heroes, but Ryno was the exception. I had the chance to interview him a couple different times on a few productions, and he was everything you’d hope for. Humble, gracious, and professional. A Hall of Famer in every sense of the word. He never hesitated to play along with whatever we had scripted, and we scripted some really crazy stuff.

He was kind to everyone on set. He welcomed us into his home and let us explore his incredible memorabilia collection. He shared his stories freely. It was surreal.

I knew he had been battling cancer, but I always hope for the best. Hearing the news during the Cubs game last night hit me harder than I expected. One moment I was watching the team he helped define, the next I was mourning the loss of a childhood hero and someone I was lucky enough to work with.

Today, I’m heartbroken. We lost a legend. Not just on the field, but in life. I’ll always be grateful I got to meet the man behind the myth.

The world woke up this morning minus one good man. Ryne Sandberg will be missed by so many in the sports world, by his family, and by a young boy who once idolized him only to grow up and eventually become his friend.

♥️

Andi

I love to read obituaries. This may sound weird, or maybe even somewhat dark, but really it’s not. It’s not that I’m obsessed with death. Quite the opposite. I’m obsessed with life. Whether it’s my life or someone else’s. And whether they are alive or have passed on.

An example would be of my blogger friend, Sheryl Craig Russell. She is very much alive but many in her family are now deceased. She has lived a most fascinating life. A life I would have most certainly chosen for myself. She posts about the cowboys in her family. I mean real cowboys on real ranches in Montana. She shares the beautiful life that she and her sister lived with their loving parents and extended family under that big Montana sky. The cowboy life wasn’t meant to be for me but I can still live it through her words and pictures. 

Sometimes in life we (we, as in me) tend to focus on our own life and the world around us is but a blur. My life. My family. My yard. My job position. My store. My road. My hobby. My time. My this and that. But the fact is…life is not just me (me, as in us). This world consists of so many moving parts (parts, as in people). And these people are real. Every person adds value to this world and we all help to make this world run through our jobs and contribution to society. (I’m being very optimistic with that statement knowing there are unpleasantries in this world. But you get what I’m trying to say.) 

With every obituary, I read a short bio about someone who was special in their own way. I’m drawn into their life for a quick moment. Some stories have stayed with me for a long time. Maybe this person served our country. Or, perhaps they were a quilter, a trusted mechanic, an artist, a fireman, someone active in the community, or a teacher. Maybe they were on the 4-H committee, or sat on the board of our county museum. Maybe they simply lived a quiet life, worked hard to support a family, and went fishing on the weekends. Whoever they were, they most likely touched the lives of others. And as I read about their life, they touch mine.  

I think reading about another person’s life grounds me. The realty is that someday my obituary will be posted and read by others. It is but a thin line between life and death. And it is a curious thing…you know…that next step. As I read though, I actually feel a peace and somewhat of a bond with someone whom I probably never met, but for a time, we shared this earth together. Common ground. But now they’ve moved onto that next phase.

Every person leaves a legacy of some sort. And a lot of these people probably didn’t feel their life was quite finished yet. There were more conversations to be had, another fish to catch, or a vacation to take, another dog to pet, more meals to share, another cup of coffee with a friend, an upcoming holiday season with family, or a baby yet to be born. 

But life continues on with or without us. That’s the hard fact of life.

I also love driving backroads through places I’ve never been. I enjoy seeing how other people live.

I notice many things as I observe life from my car. Like how people care for their yards. I notice the scenery around their home and picture what it would look like in the fall. I pay attention to color of their front door. (I have a little fascination with front doors.) I wonder how far they have to drive to buy groceries or go to work and school.

How many generations owned that farmland? I wonder what are the forgotten memories in that old barn that are tucked away in empty grain bins and stalls, in worn out tractor tires, in the smell of old oil and weathered leather, and in the neglected tufts of hay. 

I know my own life but I’m always curious as to how others live (or lived) their’s. I hope that doesn’t make me a nosey person. All I have to say is this world is made up of some pretty cool people and I enjoy knowing about their lives. 

♥️

Andi

Original post: August 12, 2020. Edited. A lot has transpired since I first penned this post. Nothing stays the same forever, even though we cannot see the possibilities. Seasons of our life change…when it’s time. And the appropriate timing is best left to God. Patience.

My life is very different now and I appreciate every single day of all that I have. My friends say I deserve this new and better life. I disagree. I don’t deserve this good life more than any other decent person.

The other day I came across two individuals who within 10 minutes of each other shared their lives with me. And to tell you the truth, it felt strange listening to them knowing where I am now after once living deep in survival mode like them. I felt undeserving of my new life because I am no better than these two a beautiful people. So I don’t deserve what I have. I did nothing to earn it. What I will be, though, is grateful for every good and perfect gift.

August 12, 2020

Philippians 4:11-13

As you travel through life you encounter many twists and turns. For awhile you may be quite content and then other times are filled with turmoil. How do you view the place you are currently? Do you feel you are outside looking in and wishing you were inside with the others?

Or are you maybe on the inside looking out, feeling trapped? Are you envious of those on the outside who seem to be living the dream?

Honestly, I feel both of these. How that is possible, I do not know. I feel I am looking in at other’s lives and I desire some of what they have. Not in an envious way. I try to be mindful of that. I certainly know that no one’s life is perfect. And I know that comparing myself to others will only bring discontentment. There will always be those who run circles around me and then some who trail behind. I’m very blessed indeed, but I am missing pieces that are important to me. There is a longing, and an emptiness…my own dreams and goals remain unfulfilled.

Many people seem to accomplish so much more than me in the same allotted time frame. They make work look easy…and they make things happen. Sometimes I feel trapped, like a caged animal. I have the dreams. I just don’t seem to have the know how or means to accomplish them…and life is fleeting. So I remain restless and anxious.

I know that God sees my life and all the broken paths behind me that I’ve stumbled through. And I see now that He was always there to pick me up even when I didn’t realize it…or deserve it. He sees the many forks in the road ahead of me as well. And as I put more faith and trust in Him, I know He will provide exactly what I need in this life. He will answer prayer, one path at a time. I will still continue to dream my dreams. And I will hope. Nothing I desire is impure or impractical. And in all things desired, I would be able to give God the glory.

But in this moment while I wait for direction and answered prayer, I must find contentment. Contentment is wrapped in patience. These work together for peace. The secret to getting through hard times, good times, all times is living in Jesus who gives us strength.

Philippians 4:11-13
11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

May peace find you today and comfort your soul. May you enjoy life from both inside and out.

♥️

Andi

Photos: my grand puppy, Sam, and Little Debbie; Baby Sam congratulating me after a race; Me and Sam, when I could still pick him up. ♥️ Photo credits go to jetkaiserfilms and other family members.

Once upon a time, many many years ago, in a classroom set high up in the trees, I was a teacher and my students were my children. 

We were blessed with a  comfortable classroom on the second floor with an exceptional view into the woods. Every change of season was breathtaking. Squirrels outside the window captivated my children’s attention with their silly antics. Daydreaming was a given on any day, by any one of us. Teacher included. 

We could schedule the school year as we wanted as long as we got in our 180 days. We often balanced generous breaks and school time throughout the whole year. One thing was certain, if we were in school, music was playing in the background. Classical, Selah, mountain music with the hammered dulcimer, along with a variety of other music. But…in July, it was Christmas. 

All through my years, the desire to listen to Christmas music began in July. Christmas movies typically started on Halloween night. (I’m not a big fan of Halloween.) 

Fast forward to today, I’ve been under the weather for about a week and a half. To make things easier on myself, I baked a turkey on Sunday. Today I made turkey potpie. And as I cooked, I watched a Christmas movie. Although currently I won’t eat potpie, my husband found it to be delicious.

There’s something about the holiday season that I crave. Yes, even in July. I believe it’s the closeness of family and friends in the comfort of a warm home. Laughter and love, common ground. Snowy pines with glowing watercolor lights from within its branches. The smells of holiday baking. A time for slowing down from the busyness of the summer. Yes, I love it all. 

Just so you understand, I’m not rushing the summer. I am enjoying this summer. (Well, except for the past week and a half.) My love for winter is waning as I get older. But…Christmas is different. It’s a season of its own. For me it begins in October, at the Park County Covered Bridge Festival and ends on Christmas Day. Just one long holiday. Sometimes I am able to squeeze in that last week before New Years too, but not always. 

Until then, I will enjoy Christmas in July. 🎶🎶🎄🎶🎶🎄🎶🎶

♥️

Andi

♥️

Andi

For several years, my father, Dennis G. S., lived part-time in Casoli, Italy, in the region of Abruzzo. His maternal side was from Naples so Dad was deeply drawn to his Italian roots and the beauty of Italy.

Dad’s home was located near the castle, or what is now a Catholic Church and museum. From his terrace you could see the Adriatic Sea and behind you, the snow capped mountains. I stayed with him for a bit in 2012 and enjoyed getting to know the people in the village while admiring their way of life.

I had no idea that my dad was a writer. His mother was a poet. She had many poems published in the Catholic community. So I guess writing is our blood as several of my children write as well.

Dad sent this short essay to me sometime after my trip. I appreciate this writing and his beautiful observations of The Tailor of Casoli.

He sits by the door as there are no lights, no electricity or water for that matter. Scraps of material hang on the wall with faded pictures and newspaper clippings of the past. Bits of cloth scatter the wooden floor. Dust clings to the underside of his sewing machine and all along the thin belt that drives his foot operated apparatus. Next to the cluttered table, on the floor to his right is a green canister that contains bottled gas to operate the iron for pressing clothes.

His sewing machine is as close to the glass door as possible so he can see to work. When practical, the door is left open. He can only work on the days of full light so he arrives early and stays as long as the day allows. The hot late summer days are more productive. The winters are cold and short. When dark clouds come, he closes the shop.

He glances up when he sees me pass by the doorway on my way down the 150 stairs or to the Gran Cafe del Borgo in the piazza del Populo or to the main piazza further down the 223 stairs from my home. “Buon Giorno”, he says. “Buon Giorno”, I repeat. Sometimes I visit with him and try to understand his Italian. Sometimes I actually can, a little anyway. Today we actually had a little conversation.

Renato is 75 years old and has been a tailor since his learning days as a child. I know very little about him except that he lives in Fara San Martino, the little town famous for De Cecco pasta, a few short miles from here. Other than his birthday, December 30th, I know nothing else. He is a friendly man. I would like to know more. 🇮🇹

I do not have any other writings of Dad’s so I cherish this. I feel certain that he wrote throughout his years due to the beauty of this one.

♥️

Andi

Back in the mid to late 90’s, I traveled through one of the darkest tunnels of my life. My vision of life was narrowly channeled, dark and enclosed. Very little light shown at the end of the of the darkness. Strangely, the longer I traveled through the tunnel, the light became smaller and even more distant. 

I spent much time in that gold, velvety rocking chair in the kid’s room…just rocking away, with or without a child on my lap. Life was bleak. I lacked ambition, intention, desire, and dreams. I moved through daily motions because I had to, not because of love. I despised who I was. I lacked understanding of my purpose. I couldn’t comprehend the darkness. I wanted to be left alone yet I was lonely. At my lowest point I felt I could get in my car and drive away without ever looking back. 

I’m not proud of that moment. But it needs to be shared. Depression and mental health issues are very real, and almost 30 years later, these issues have only increased in our population. Young and old suffer today. Many suffer in complete silence like I did.

While many things contribute to depression, this post is about what affects me most…food. 

After I hit that lowest low, I discovered that I was borderline diabetic. That scared me. I believed diabetes affected older people, other people. Certainly, not me. Sadly, diabetes affects every part of the human body. It’s not localized to one part or another. It is systemic. 

From September of 1992 to November of ‘95, I birthed three children so I realize that I was probably already nutritionally depleted by the time I traveled through that tunnel. After my low point, I began to research health and nutrition more in depth. Of course, the information changes as new research evolves by more in-depth studies. The body and how it responds to food is fascinating to me. I don’t believe that in a lifetime we will ever completely understand the intricate working of the mind and body. All we can do is search for answers and discover what works best for us as an individual. I don’t believe there is a one-size-fits-all answer. Our bodies are quite unique.  All I can do here is share my own personal experiences.

After I removed sugar from my diet, the tunnel became shorter which allowed more light in. Soon I was standing outside of the confinement and in the warmth of the sun. I was happy once again. Nothing was a difficult because every task was done out of love for my family.  And even though it was the food I was putting into my mouth that spoke to me and for me, I was ashamed that I felt I could ever leave my children. 

I am a sugar addict. It is a terrible thing to desire something so intensely that will ultimately destroy my mind. You wonder why that is. Why would your body crave something that harms it?

I’ve been 100% carnivore since January 1st of this year. Well, that is until last Friday. I was exhausted with my camp week and with preparing food for my family that I did not prepare my own food. Exhaustion and hunger are not a good mix for me. I caved. I broke. I fell. I ate the foods I had been avoiding all these months. Potato salad, bread, bbq sauce, coleslaw, chips, and even ice cream. I craved everything sugary again. This eating continued for three days. My palate was happy but the rest of me was not. I woke up each day with bags under my eyes. My hands, legs, ankles, and feet were swollen. I had pitting edema. My arthritic pain was through the roof. My mind began to lose clarity and I could feel depression beginning to close in on me. 

Enough was enough. I couldn’t go through all that again nor could I put my family through it. I need to be as close to 100% as possible for myself and them. And I know what works for me to achieve that. 

Happily, I’m back on carnivore. Already good, positive changes are returning. A hard but well-needed lesson has been learned. Now I know. My addiction is still very real even with the many months of absence. I also learned that foods cannot be introduced back into my diet. I still have much healing to do. Many more years of healing, actually.

Tunnel vision is scary. Be mindful of the place you’re at. If something feels off, check your diet. Don’t allow the food you eat to dictate your life, health, and wellbeing. Don’t allow food to steal your mind. And do not be ashamed to seek professional help if you just cannot grasp this on your own. Sometimes the darkness is just bigger than we are. There is no shame in admitting that. 

There are many things I am learning about health and nutrition. I will continue to study so I can perhaps help others by broadening their view. I will share what I learn. I suggest you do your own research as well. Look at both sides carefully, as there are always at least two sides, and draw your own conclusion. Discover what works best for your optimum health and quality of life. 

♥️

Andi

What is a Gamma Shark?

Well…that would be me. 

When my oldest grandson was learning to talk, he couldn’t say my name, Grandma Schardt. It came out as Gamma Shark. And that name just kinda stuck with me. 

With Schardt being my maiden name, I reclaimed it after my divorce. My kids were happy that their kids would have a Grandma Schardt too as they loved my mom. When I got remarried, I didn’t want to take that away from them so my new last name is hyphenated, the best of both worlds. I guess once a Schardt always a Schardt. 

My family has always pronounced Schardt with a silent “t”, like a “chard of glass”. Once when I was staying in Bar Harbor, Maine, at my friends’ Airbnb, I visited with a couple of young German men at breakfast. Since my last name is German, I asked them how they would pronounce it. They said it would be Schardt as in Schmidt, a hard accent with emphasis on the “t”. That makes sense. I’m not sure what generation dropped the “t” or why. 

This week I will be hosting my 1st Annual Gamma Shark’s Summer Camp for my grandkids. From 10-4, Monday through Friday, our days will filled with activities. Crafts, outdoor games, indoor games if it rains, story time, a Bible lesson, fishing, and plenty of snacks. Friday evening will be a family night of hotdogs, s’mores, and plenty of laughter to end the week. 

My daughter, Charlie, is flying in tomorrow to spend the week with us. Later this week, my daughter, Denae, and her family will be driving down from the Chicago area. 

This is quite exciting for me. I spent much time planning this week. I sent out the daily schedule of events to each of the families. Every day will begin at the flagpole in the front yard for the pledge of allegiance. Every hour thereafter, is accounted for.

My daughters discussed how the schedule reminds them of school. I guess it probably would as they were homeschooled by me, so they know what my scheduling looks like. But Charlie duly noted that I didn’t schedule TV time (for the kids) or nap time (for her…and me). Maybe I’ll let you sneak one in, Charlie. 

D and I are working on the last details today. I’m inside the house doing a lot of little things and writing while he is manicuring the yard. I’m thankful it didn’t rain. D also made a special gate for me today so I can get to the cabin easier from the backyard. He’s such a great sport. He’s the best. 

Hopefully, many good memories will be made this week with six happy campers…and a couple of tired adults.

♥️

Andi

Lately, as I drive around on the weekends, I notice balloons tied to mailboxes, white tents set up in backyards, and cars parked along the roads and in fields. Ahhhh…the much anticipated graduation parties. Thinking about being a graduating senior sure makes me smile. I remember how exciting it was for me.

I graduated in 1979 from Leo High School in the little rural community, Leo, Indiana. How rural, you ask? Amish rural. 

I moved to Leo at the start of my junior year, having lived my life up until then, in Waukegan, Illinois, and attending large schools like Jack Benny Jr. High School and Waukegan’s West Campus High School. Waukegan is just north of Chicago, with both cities residing on Lake Michigan’s western shoreline. From the beach in Waukegan you can see Chicago’s magnificent skyline. You can only imagine the very real culture shock of moving to Amishville. I mean, Leo. It wasn’t an easy adjustment, especially at that age.

Last night I felt like listening to Christopher Cross. This album was released on December 27th, 1979, the year I graduated. I like every song on that album which, for me, rarely happens. 

When listening to the voices of Christopher Cross and of Steve Perry (Journey), of Don Henley and Glenn Frey (Eagles), and of John Denver, I find myself back in Waukegan. I’m tucked in my bed with a gentle breeze blowing over me from my open window. I hear train whistles to the west and ship and fog horns east on Lake Michigan. And I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming those young girl dreams of finding love and the freedom of the open road. At that time, I would have headed west and kept going until I either found love or there was no more road left to travel. 

Then we moved. And it was east. New high school, new friends to discover, a new life. But the thing that remained constant was my music. It followed me wherever I went like a warm, security blanket. And amazingly, my new-found friends enjoyed the same music. 

Those were the years. And how excited we were to graduate. It’s something we had looked forward to for four years and we finally made it. High school graduation is the first of many wonderful highlights throughout life. 

My youngest son told me the other day how much he misses being home and being in school. (I homeschooled my children.) He said he didn’t realize it at the time but those were the best years of his life. I totally understand. Those young, carefree years went stinkin’ fast. Adulting can be hard. 

As I see the signs of graduation this year, the young girl in me gets excited. It wasn’t so long ago that I had the heart of gypsy, or maybe it was that of a hippie. A free spirit. A girl who wanted to get out and discover new and beautiful places, find love, and live carefree out on the road, heading west, and without parental rules…after graduation. 

Funny how some dreams just remain dreams when reality hits you in the forehead the day after graduation. But it’s all good. Anytime I want, I can reach inside and feel, quite intensely, those wild, adventurous, and exciting dreams of my youth. And I love the young girl who is still very much alive but kept safe deep within me. She makes me feel young again.

What a turning point in life…the day after graduation. 

♥️

Andi

I originally posted this a few years back. Edited.

Last night I was having a discussion with a fellow blogger who was feeling discouraged with his writing. While trying to encourage my friend, I explained to him the most important and meaningful reason of why I write.

I write for my kids.

I write from my heart. Often, it’s raw and impulsive. But with every post, it is my wish that my kids might understand me just a little bit better. When I am gone, my words, thoughts, and feelings will live on. Maybe they will still feel my love, find encouragement, and receive advice when I am no longer able to give it to them verbally.

It is my wish that my grandchildren will know Grandma better too. I hope they will find encouragement from me as they travel through their own life filled with highs and lows. This is what I wish I had had with my parents and grandparents…a more intimate connection with them through a better knowledge of them.

So when I write, not only do I write to clear my head, or to encourage others, but I do it for my kids. I don’t have a ton of money to leave them or some of the finer things in life. But what I do have is the gift of me through my words. I’m not perfect or amazing or anything special. But I am their mom. And maybe my writing is perhaps better than the material possessions I do have, including my skunk collection. 🦨

Writing is my legacy. It’s what I truly treasure.

♥️

Andi

Original post: July 30, 2021. Edited. While I no am longer party to all the “you should haves/ could haves”concerning my life, of which there were many, I know this is a real problem for others.

We have all sorts of well-meaning people telling us how to walk through our life. Including how we should have walked years ago. How does that even make sense? You should have…should never be included in most conversations.

I know people may have the best of intentions most of the time, but it isn’t fair to criticize someone’s walk in life. Not unless you’ve actually walked in their shoes. And if you haven’t, then leave their shoelaces alone.

Many times over the years I received unwarranted advice.

Example: I had several married women tell me that I didn’t need a man in my life. That I didn’t need a man to make me happy and that I need to enjoy my independence and my freedom. Then they tack on a little…you are so lucky.

Well, my first thought was this (at the time of the first posting)… I was 60 years old and had been married for 31 of those. So I kinda think I know what marriage is about. So please don’t treat me like I haven’t a clue about marriage.

Please don’t try to tie my shoes.

My second thought was…I really feel sorry for you that you viewed my singleness as luck and that you admired me for being alone. It speaks volumes about you and your mindset of your own marriage.

I walked a lot of miles in those marriage shoes. Even though my two marriages failed, I still believed in it. Why? For many reasons, but first and foremost, it is God’s design. And He designed it for a reason.

Regardless of what your story is, you’ve walked miles in your own shoes. You’ve experienced things I never have. You see life from different angles. I’ve experienced things that most people find unbelievable and it’s been suggested to me many times that I write a book about my life. Well…if I did that, many names would have to be changed. And then I’d have to cut my hair and move to some place like Slickpoo, Two Egg, Burnt Porcupine, Mudd Butte, Knockemstiff, Smackover, Bumpass, or Ding Dong, USA. (And, yes…those are real city names.)

But because of our own personal experiences we have learned and grown in our own way. We managed to survive. It was our journey. Our views of life vary because of it. Our hearts beat to different drums. Someone else may have experienced a similar walk as our’s, yet, we’re still very different.

So when someone tells you how high to jump or that you messed up your life because you didn’t do this or that years ago…just kindly reply:

Please don’t try to tie my shoes.

I’m not suggesting that with our different views in life should there be division among us. Quite the contrary. We should have an even greater, more compassionate need for one another. If anything, our walks have shown us the fragility of life. Every single day is sacred. And life is to be shared with one another.

But please don’t try to tie anyone’s shoes.

There’s a difference between simply being critical of someone’s life and helping them in the present day with compassion, love, and understanding.

I was certainly grateful for my Tamarindo Pathfinder slip-ons. No shoelaces. Now I wear Sketchers Slip-in’s.

♥️

Andi

Ever have one of those days where you could do/ should do a million things but you aren’t inspired to do a single one of them? That’s my day today. 

I’ve been stressed over the last couple of hours to do something as I rehash all the possible things I should do and could  do…while not accomplishing a single thing. So I threw in a load of laundry to make myself feel better. 

Then I thought for a second. 

Why does every moment need to be filled with something? Who is pressuring me to do anything? Only me, myself, and I. 

I thought further.

Maybe I’ve been blessed with a day of rest. A day void of a “to-do” list. A day where nothing really matters except for being at peace and enjoying our beautiful home. 

I think we struggle to enjoy downtime. If we don’t fill every second of our awake hours with something we feel is productive and constructive, we suffer from guilt. I know I do. We feel we aren’t pulling our weight or doing our share. But, in God’s reality, we need to rest and rejuvenate so we can replenish our bucket.  

So doing nothing isn’t always destructive. It can be quite the opposite. And today I’ve finally resigned myself to doing nothing because, today, nothing really is something. 

So no more guilt-tripping myself. I’m sitting outside with Nyx, listening to the many birds and enjoying the windy, warm breeze messing up my hair. And I’m thanking God for his many blessings. 

Those million things can wait another day. 

♥️

Andi

Original post: June 3, 2024. It’s been a fast year since that first night without my last baby here with me. Many nights have passed since. Time doesn’t stand still for anyone…not even for the yearning heart of a mother. I’m grateful for the wonderful memories of when my children were under my roof. I’m also grateful for the adults they have grown up to be and the lives they have of their own. Life isn’t for the faint of heart with all the changes that occur from day to day. Learning to bend isn’t easy for some. Myself included. But life is grand and blessings abound. I am thankful that my youngest has done well in her first year away from home. God is just so good.

June 1, 2024

The shadows are long as it’s 8:30 pm. But the night will be even longer as the shadows will soon blend with the night sky. I’m glad I don’t work tomorrow.

I have six children ranging in ages from 41-22. One by one each left my home. They left my care, my shelter, my arms, my nightly “sweet dreams”. Tonight is my last first night.

Often time seemed slow. I would think ahead to a day when each of my kids would leave home. Even though I thought of it, I’m not so sure I believed they would actually leave. Don’t get me wrong. I wanted my kids to succeed just as any other parent out there. I just didn’t believe that day would ever come…

It’s hard to fathom I’m 63 and my mommy days are over. I’ve been a mom since I was 21. Those were the best years of my life even though I didn’t recognize it at the time. I’m not sure what I was wishing for back then that didn’t allow me to fully treasure each and every moment. What a fool I was.

My baby just pulled out of the driveway. She won’t be sleeping in this house again. For 22 years she was my shadow. Always there trying to make my bad days good and my good days even better. Flowers on my pillow when I came home from work. A decorated house for my every birthday. A song and a dance to cheer me up. Hugs that warmed me. A foot rub after a long, hard day. Always a comforter to me.

I miss the girl who wore her swimtoot in the winter and would swim across the dining room floor. I miss her tiny hands in the dirt, along mine, as we planted flowers. I miss her attachment to her pillow named “Holey”. Even her blanket was special with a hole of its own.

I miss homeschool assignments even when I was frustrated. I miss our spur-of-moment drives that took us anywhere away from here. I even miss her scaring me with that stupid rubber mouse.

Her closet is empty. The walls that were once covered in anything and everything that she loved are now bare. The house is silent. This night will be long. This first night…

Each child has given me wonderful memories that weighed heavily on my heart during their first night away. I’m grateful even though it hurts terribly.

I am excited for her future just as I was with the other five who blazed their own trails before her. I remember my own excitement when I left home at 19. But now I understand what my mom felt on that first night without me under her roof. We certainly didn’t feel the same.

I’m not so good with change. I’m not so good with letting go.

I wish I had my momma tonight so I could talk to her about first nights. I know she’d understand. ♥️

Andi

Actually, all three of my girls display great positive attitudes. All are strong women. Driven women. They don’t give up and they will fight hard to make their own way in this world. And they never ask me for help. 

But this particular post is about my oldest daughter, Denae. This girl is a worker. She’s a wife, and mom of two Littles, ages 2 and 6. She homeschools her oldest child. Denae makes most meals from scratch and she’s a wonderful cook. She bakes amazing sourdough bread weekly for her family and friends. When time allows, Denae sews quilts that are personalized from shirts and fabrics that have sentimental meaning. She also works in the evening from 6-11 as a custodian in a high school. Denae is an avid reader as well and has read dozens of books so far this year.

This girl runs nonstop, and always has. When she left home with only a carload of belongings, she stayed with friends of ours in another state. She found a job and worked hard. Within two months she had enough money to get her own apartment. She never asked me for any financial help whatsoever. She’s worked hard from the beginning and hasn’t taken her foot off the gas petal yet. 

I know she’s tired but she always pushes through it. I know what it is like as a young mother. Sometimes there are not enough hours in a day, yet some days there are just too many. But she’s not a complainer. 

The only complaint she has (and it’s not even a complaint) is when within the first hour of arising, her two children have called for her approximately 36 times even before her first cup of coffee. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. I totally get it. I had six kids. 

With all this being said, I wonder how I’d be if I worked all day with the children, cooking, gardening, cleaning…etc., and then had to drive a distance to go to work, work hard by cleaning bathrooms, hallways, and classrooms until late, and then getting home close to midnight. Only to have it start all over again in just a few short hours. I’d probably not be a pleasant person at work, or anywhere. Juss sayin’.

But not Denae. She always sees opportunities to brighten someone else’s day. She found a secret way to promote positivity to young people.

As she goes about her work at the high school, she cleans everything. Even the disgusting things like bathrooms and trash. But her focus is on a whiteboard found in a certain classroom. She wipes it clean and then secretly works her magic. In the left-hand corner of the newly-cleaned board, she draws a character along with a positive quote to go along with it. Mostly, the inspiration comes from Disney movies. Every morning there is a new character with a new quote to start the day. 

Oh, and I say secretly because no one knew for a long time who was leaving the messages in the corner of the whiteboard. When she was discovered by the teacher owning the board she was a little nervous, but the teacher was more than pleased. 

Here are just a few of her messages. 

Today I lift up Denae for all she is as a wife, mommy, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. She brightens the lives of so many people. She is a worker bee who has very little time of her own. I envy her energy, her strength, and her spirit. 

♥️

Andi

June 1st. How is this even possible? I don’t believe in my lifetime that a month has ever slipped away as fast as this past month.

My girls and I love the month of May. It’s the green month…and, to us, it’s the most beautiful part of spring. Trees are full and green. Even the beautiful green emerald is May’s birthstone.

The days are longer and warmer. Farmers have been planting crops as the weather permits. We’ve been hailed on four times this month but have been blessed with rainbows.

We’ve been busy planting lavender, Russian sage, wildflowers, and many other plants on our property. The bees are busy. Butterflies flit here and there. Some of my flowers are blooming, even in weird places.

The lakes, creeks, and ponds have come alive again. Bluebirds and tree swallows came back to nest in our many houses. We saw our first fireflies. And the frogs sing us to sleep at night. Farmers markets have started back up. My granddaughter’s t-ball practices have been every Saturday morning.

Outdoor concerts have begun. Taco Tuesdays at the pond have started and festivals too. Mother’s Day has come and gone. I turned another year older. I finished my children’s story. School is out. The 109th running of the Indy 500 is history, and summer officially started with Memorial weekend. 

I guess all this activity explains what happened to May. Not sure you can pack anymore into a month. Oh, dear…wait…I’m looking at June’s calendar. Baby shower, wedding, reunion, more concerts, our first summer play, Taco Tuesdays, my first ever week-long camp for my grandkids, which includes Charlie coming up to help, and Denae’s family coming down. I believe June just might be trying to compete with May. Let’s not even consider July yet.

My advice to myself…take a deep breath and enjoy every second of it while making the best memories with family and friends. 

Summer is looking pretty awesome to me. 

♥️

Andi

Original post: May 22, 2023; edited for my current birthday.

Today is my 64th birthday.

Woohoo! I made it another year!

What have I learned in the approximately 23,360 days of my existence on this earth?

Well, let’s see….

I have learned that not all love is the same.

I’ve figured out that my way is always the hard way.

Golden retrievers have the best smiles.

She who laughs last…doesn’t get it. 🙋🏼‍♀️

Not everyone who is nice to me is actually nice.

There’s not much difference between when I cook or paint, as I have to shower after both. And clean the floors.

Life is not fair. Nor, will it ever be.

If there is trash on the floor everyone will walk around it.

Men are born knowing how to mow lawns.

Every flat surface in the house quickly becomes an open storage unit.

Cats and I don’t typically get along. Our attitudes conflict.

Turning the stove on high heat and then taking a nap isn’t a good idea.

I’ve recently learned that my kids never liked squeaky eggs.*

I should have just let my hair do its own thing instead of fighting it for years…so much easier. Duh.

When the water boils out of the pan while hard boiling eggs, surprisingly, my children don’t enjoy cleaning exploded egg off the walls and cabinets on the other side of the kitchen.

I learned through the Pepsi Challenge that I really like Coke better.

Animals are often smarter than people.

After having a three day weekend, Tuesday becomes the new Monday and it’s just as rough.

It’s not so much the vacation as it is who I am with.

My daughter, Charlie, and I can scale a wall better and faster than most of the men in the Warrior Dash (2013). I know because we did it!

I have learned that patience really is a virtue.

I figured out that every family has some level of dysfunction.

Slow, deep breaths really do help calm the spirit.

A scarred heart can still love.

I’ve learned that not everything is about me.

As time goes on, the reason(s) behind my question of “why did this happen” are often understood.

I learned to embrace writing as therapeutic.

A best friend is priceless.

Dogs forgive much easier than most people.

A heart can break in numerous ways.

I have learned many life lessons from my children simply by listening to them.

The true gift is in the giving.

And I have learned that some people give without actually expecting anything in return.

The heart does not set a limit on how much it can love.

Life is extremely short.

Too much time is wasted on “what if’s”.

I have learned that overthinking is not in my best interest.

Words can shatter a heart into a million pieces.

I learned that I continue to forgive (and forget) too easily with people I shouldn’t.

Communication is key to a great relationship and humor is second.

I can still be shocked by people and information.

There are way more narcissists in this world than I ever imagined.

I realize that politics is really a game of chess between elites, and We The People are expendable pawns.

That I’ll never be too old to play Space Invaders.

And that sunsets will always be my favorite.

I know that God definitely answers prayer.

Listening to what others don’t say is sometimes more important than what is spoken.

When I don’t know how to pray for someone or a situation, the Holy Spirit does, and he graciously fills in the blanks.

Everything circles back and the old becomes new again.

I know that afternoons were created specifically for naps.

I discovered that crocs can melt in the hot Indiana sun, and that trail mix will melt in my daughter’s hands while watching Captain America.

Love can mean something different to every person.

I learned that in my gullibility, I trust and believe every single person. Often to a fault.

Divorce is always awful and children suffer.

There’s nothing wrong in telling others you love them. It is everything that is right.

A single phone call can change your life forever.

God continues to love me even though I’ve let him down over and over again.

I realize that wisdom doesn’t mean you reached the pinnacle of learning. It means you continue to learn with greater appreciation.

Jack Frost is an artist.

Winter doesn’t last forever.

When God seems silent it’s because he’s working diligently behind the scenes.

I am learning that old friendships only become more precious as we age.

I’ve learned that a good and decent man is priceless. (D)

Well, I could go on and on. These are just a few of the things I’ve learned. I have learned a lot. Some things are quite useful while others add just a little color to my world.

My youngest daughter, Mattea, and Grandpa will be visiting today. Since I cannot eat my beloved key lime pie, I’m making “carnivore” ice cream. No, it’s not made of meat. Ew. It’s made with heavy cream and eggs. Yum!

One more thing I have learned:

I can see God’s blessings in every day. I just have to look.

♥️

Andi

* Squeaky Eggs post: https://coffeewithandi.com/2021/06/23/squeaky-eggs/

Original post: September 10, 2022; edited. This was written when I was single and struggling with life in general. Especially with my rebellious yard. Since I posted about me and my mower yesterday, I thought I’d follow up with this post.

September 10, 2022

As some of you may recall, I have the yard from hell. It has caused me much grief and has aged me about 8 years. At least.

I dropped 12 ash trees two years ago. My yard has never recovered. The damage from the trees falling and from removing them has greatly damaged my yard. I love my Husqvarna but it’s not powerful enough to mow my large ditch anymore.

The ditch and weeds are out of control. I have been paying one guy to mow my ditch and another to weed-eat. Last fall. I paid a guy $1,000 to help me. He did a few things for me. Then he said he’d be back this spring to finish. Spring came, and in April, I messaged him. He said he’d be coming out as soon as the weather breaks. It is now September 10th. I think the weather has broken. Yep, $1,000. Gone. He’s the brother of one of my friends so that makes it even more frustrating…and unbelievable.

Being a single woman is difficult. Being a gullible single woman is even worse. I want to believe and trust everyone.

Men think and work differently than women. They are a compliment to women, if you think about it. A man wouldn’t hesitate to figure out a plan for my yard and make it happen. Even in simply mowing my yard. How do they mow in such beautiful straight lines? My yard looks like a complex maze. I know the neighborhood men must cringe whenever they hear me start up my mower.

Men know how things work mechanically too. Like in how to take care of a Husqvarna. They know what to listen for and they’re not afraid to get on the ground and look under things. They just know stuff. Women know important stuff too. Just different stuff.

So in my loneliness as a single woman, I have prayed for a companion. Someone who can love and appreciate who I am…even if I’m not packaged as neatly as in my younger years.

I have prayed that God would send a man to be my best friend and confidant. One who helps with the decision making and holds me on hard days.

And I have prayed for a man who will help me with my yard.

Now, I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of the mind of God. I send things up to Him and He handles them accordingly. Yes, I prayed for a man to help me with my yard. And He answered.

God is funny.

He sent me my son, Ezekiel.

My youngest son had no choice but to move back home a month ago. Life isn’t always fair. And it surely wasn’t to him. So guess who’s been taking care of my yard?

I can sit here on my front porch swing and try to understand God’s reasoning, but that will get me no where fast. God is good and He is perfect. He knows what’s best. My son is here in a safe place. I am able to provide that. He’s taking care of my yard too. That’s a blessing. But as for my other prayer requests, well…I guess I will keep praying. At least I know that God hears me.

I shared with my son the prayers I’ve been praying. We definitely get a good laugh out of it.

God doesn’t always answer exactly how we expect. And that’s ok. He’s not a genie in a lamp who grants wishes. He’s all knowing and all loving. Never stop praying because He never stops listening.

♥️

Andi

PS God graciously answered all my prayers the day I met D. Everything works better in his perfect timing. ♥️

Original post: July 10, 2021. I thought this would be a fun read for my husband, D. My Husqvarna now sits in his barn. He likes to make fun of it. Compared to his monster mowers, it does look like a sissy girl. But it’s mine and I still love it. I asked if he would get my Husqvarna ready so I can mow “my” yard when I want. My yard being, the yard all around my cabin. He was gracious enough to get it ready, and I’ve mowed twice now. He let some of the air out of the tires so the ride wouldn’t beat me to death as I drive over mole hills and rough terrain. Me and my Husqvarna.

Saturday, July 10, 2021

I had no choice but to mow today. And I’m truly sorry. We’ve been getting so much rain lately and there was only this small window of opportunity.

Believe me….I try my hardest to avoid Saturday mowings. Today was really difficult. Not for me, no. For all the men in my neighborhood.

A few years back, when the news got out that my bright orange Husqvarna arrived, a couple of the neighborhood men came over to admire my new ride. We stood around in my garage talking mowers and drinking beer. Ahhhh, I felt like one of the guys.

Today, things are slightly different. When the men hear me start up my mower, they cringe. They find something else to do…like go to town. Or, go inside. And turn the music up. Loud. I’m quite sure I’m the talk of this little town as they recreate the noises they’ve heard and use mostly colorful words to describe the crazy woman with the wild hair riding the Husqvarna. And if we had a tavern here…yeah, I can only imagine.

As you recall, I had twelve trees taken down. No, they were dropped to the ground. Besides the trees damaging my yard, so did the equipment used to remove the larger portions of the trees. It was like a massive tree explosion when those babies fell. I have never in my life hated sticks so much as I do now. No matter how often you go out to pick them up, there are still more. And me and my Husqvarna find every one of them.

But we are trailblazers, me and my mower. We drive over and through it all. Massive mole hills, sticks, and even a few rocks here and there. There are holes in the yard where the trees speared the yard as they fell. I’ve tried to fill them in. But the dirt settles. And my blade catches them all.

I don’t know much about mowers except to put gas in them and check the oil periodically. I had the mower repair place pick it up in March to prepare it for the mowing season. I think my baby needs to go back sooner than later. I’m sure we need new blades.

To the men in neighborhood…you guys with the manicured lawns and your perfectly straight lines…I’m sorry. I mow in circles. I hit things. I make lots a loud noises. To you, I’m kinda what nightmares are made of. I try my hardest to mow when you all are at work. Just know that. I don’t purposely try to ruin your Saturday. We tried to make it quick today but we did have a few cringe moments. I can’t apologize enough.

I love my Husqvarna. He’s definitely been good to me even with all that I put him through. He’s resting now after quite an eventful mowing session.

I hope your weekend is going well. I’m absolutely sure it’s going better for you than those in close proximity to my newly mown lawn.

Smile and be happy! It could be worse. I could live next door to you!

♥️

Andi

Yesterday, physically, I felt awful. Could I blame it on the farmer for spraying toxic herbicides on the field across from my driveway that blew on me while in my front yard? Yeah, I could. I could blame it on the weather. I could blame it on my lack of exercise, my lack of proper sleep, or any number of things. I could blame all day long from sunrise to sunset. But what good does it do?  Nothing. It adds nothing positive to my day other than bring me down. 

Sometimes our bodies don’t feel well. That’s a reality of life. We live in imperfect bodies in an imperfect world. They are bound to not feel well at some point. It’s just to be expected. 

But how we handle those days does matter.

Yesterday, I should have just listened to my gut and rested. We all need rest days. Do what you are required to do on days like that. Just don’t add extra, if you can avoid it. It might only frustrate you. Like I was yesterday. 

Resting when you need to is no different from eating when you need to. Or, even exercising. Taking care of yourself is essential. 

Knowing limits and boundaries is good for your mind and body. It’s about loving yourself. Something I once thought was pure arrogance to acknowledge. 

Love yourself! 

When I start with my negative self-talk, I stop myself and think if I would say the same to my best friend. Most of the time, I would not. But the truth is this: our body listens to what our mind speaks. And after time, our body will believe every single word we speak, whether good or bad.

Think of a child who is constantly belittled by a caregiver. That child will begin to believe they have no worth because they are belittled by someone they trust. Likewise, our body trusts our mind even when it speaks to us in that tiny, degrading voice. 

Meditation and prayer along with grounding (earthing) are simple ways to train your mind to be nicer.

Self-care and self-love are of great importance to thriving well in this world. Take care of yourself so you can take better care of those you love. Your world will seem a little brighter and a whole lot more colorful. 

You might not receive a bouquet of flowers everyday, but everyday can still be a bouquet of flowers.

Take care of yourself. 

♥️

Andi 

…is quite disappointing. 

I am a little old-fashioned in a way. I like to send greeting cards. I spend time choosing perfect cards for the people in my life. Cards, though, have not maintain their old-fashioned prices. Not to mention the cost of a single stamp. So I spend time and money on people I love and I trust that that my mail will be received in that love. But it isn’t. You know why? 

Because it never gets there. 

A few examples:

I sent out three cards on April 30/ May 1. One was for my sister’s birthday on May 10th. She’s never received it. Another card was sent to someone who lives 3 hours from me. She received her card on May 10th. Ten days to travel three hours. A second card went to the same area. Nothing. Who knows where my two missing cards are. 

My daughter who lives 4.5 hours away, has sent me a Mother’s Day card for the last three or four years. None have ever made it to me. Well, except for one that was actually returned to her and she gave to me at Christmas last year. 

A couple of years ago, I dropped three bills into a postal box in town here. None of the three bills ever made it to their destinations. They were never returned to me either. So I was late on all of them, plus I had stop payment fees on the checks I wrote.

I heard that the price of stamps is going up again. I’m trying to figure out just what that money pays for since my cards and letters just disappear. Hmmmm…maybe DOGE can figure it out. 

With an ugh and a sigh…as I practice my deep breathing exercises…

Not gonna let this ruin a perfectly good day though. But I am thinking of writing off the USPS for good. 

♥️

Andi

Original post: July 2023; condensed and edited.

Regardless of who you are, or what you believe, when you take that last breath you are walking into an unknown. You leave all that is familiar here and all those you love to walk into unfamiliar.

You leave work undone. A yard un-mowed and bills unpaid. You have week old meatloaf left in the fridge and the dog hasn’t been fed today. Or, walked or pottied. You didn’t get back with your friend about breakfast on Saturday. And your flight on Tuesday is still scheduled to depart at 10:15 am.

Having godly faith gives you knowledge of where you are walking toward. But we also know that we are not coming back to this familiarity. And truthfully, it is a little scary to me.

Being quite human, I hang onto the loves I have here on earth. I am enchanted with each and every autumn. I love the rocky coast of Maine. I breathe in the seasons and crave the sunshine on my face. I have places yet to explore and sunsets to watch as they fade into tomorrow. And I have people.

I have hands to hold, weddings to attend, stories to write, and tears to dry. Little arms that reach up to me for comfort and love. I have family to care for, problems to solve, strangers to help, and personal lessons yet to learn.

As I think about walking into that unknown, I have questions. Lots of them.

Have I been pleasing to God? Have I un-repented sin hanging over me? Have I obeyed God’s will to my fullest ability? Is there anything I’ve done that his grace won’t cover? Have I left something of importance undone? Were my thoughts and actions pure? What will the judgment be like? Did I love God enough? Did I have faith enough?

Watching my friend, Matt, prepare to leave this earth was the most emotional experience of my life. He left a deeply embedded imprint on my heart. One that I will carry all my days.

Being a retired ER physician, Matt understood more about what was going on medically than we did. There are pros and cons to being in his situation with that knowledge. The doctor side of him knew the reality of his prognosis, but the man in him desired to push through it all with a hope that he could stay just a little bit longer. So his heart was torn between Matt, the doctor, and Matt, the man. I cannot imagine that internal conflict and pain.

God was gracious that we had days to share with him. Actually, he had a few months to prepare as his health and prognosis traveled over sunny mountaintops and through the darkest valleys. We had hope. And then we didn’t. Then we had hope again. During this time, he was able to have long discussions with his son and daughter-in-law, and with his siblings as well. He spoke with some friends over the phone when he was able and had visits from many friends prior to this last hospital stay.

When I spoke with him just prior to the life-changing event that finally canceled any chance of survival, he still had dreams and goals. He had people he wanted to help. He had his cabin to finish and farm animals to care for. He had a new grandson who was the delight of his world. And, yes, he desired to watch that little man grow up into an amazing big man. He had plans and a grand future ahead of him.

Then that dreaded day came. After all of the heartbreaking, final goodbyes were exchanged, it came time to remove a lifesaving device from Matt’s chest. Before doing so, the doctor asked him the hardest question ever.

“Matt, are you ready?”

And, Matt said, “I am ready.”

I cannot get that moment out of my mind. The courage for him to let go even as he was surrounded by the ones he did not want to leave.

So, do I lack faith because I don’t want to leave yet? Does it mean I love God less? I don’t believe so. We are to love God first and foremost, yet Jesus still wept when Lazarus died. Jesus knows every bit of our humanness and he is compassionate towards us. God gave us a lifetime here on earth to love and be a part of the world he created. He gave us jobs to do and roles to fulfill. He knows…he absolutely knows…the difficulty in leaving this life behind. It’s all we’ve known because we saw it first hand. We lived it and loved deeply within it.

We typically do not know when our last day on earth will be. Often it blindsides us and there are no goodbyes. It’s not like that day is penciled in on our calendar. But our day will come just as it did for our parents and grandparents, and great-grandparents, and so on.

The point is that we need to make sure our lives are not is disarray. And by that I mean, we need to be spiritually ready. We may not want to leave all the loves of this world. And that’s okay. But our spiritual life always needs to ready for that final question, “Are you ready?” .

♥️

Andi

Photos: all were taken in Florida, March 2021 in my father’s backyard.

My thought for the day.

♥️

Andi

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

Sometimes we called out by God to do hard things. Not that we particularly like to do hard things as it’s really not in our nature. We tend to want to follow the path of least resistance. But sometimes we find ourselves in a situation that seems to push us to the limit. Not that we asked for it, or want anything to do with it, but it is a task that needs to be done for the betterment of someone else’s soul or for correction of a particular situation. And if the task is covered in prayer and clothed in love, it will ultimately glorify God. 

Still…we are often timid and afraid of confrontation and conflict. How often have we left a task undone because of fear? How often have we said, “Not me, Lord!”

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” – Isaiah 41:13

Sometimes you wonder how you are privy to a situation where you are the only one, it seems, who has knowledge of it, so therefore, designated to take care of it. It’s as though God said, “Tag, you’re it”.  And that can be scary when you don’t know how your help will be received by another, especially if it’s calling out sin. 

“Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.” – Proverbs 15:32

Still we have a choice. We have a choice to do the task or not. God gives us that. We can put our blinders on and walk away while convincing ourselves nothing to see here. Or, tell ourself, “It’s not my place to interfere. I need to mind my own business.” We can talk ourselves into anything and that ultimately becomes our reality. 

But honestly, God’s business is our business. No matter how difficult it is. And if we are doing his business, he will be holding our hand through it all. 

♥️

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” – Psalm 28:7

Andi

I have two beautiful children who are currently quite overwhelmed with life. Sadly, they watched how I handled issues throughout my life. I wasn’t the best example. 

A few short years ago, I was describing my woes to a friend. He told me, “You’re not going to go hungry, nor will you lose the roof over your head.” And he was right. What I thought was the end of civilization was made up in my own mind.

We live in an imperfect and quite dysfunctional world. There are sometimes no easy fixes and often complexities build upon one another like mortaring a huge, brick retaining wall. 

But how much of this is caused because our minds run out of control along side our pals, Doom and Gloom? 

Every day contains something of value if we look for it. Is it revealing, as in nothing bad happened? Is it just a little speed bump in the road that is easily driven over? Or is it an answer to a problem, or a solution to fix a situation? Maybe it’s simply that today doesn’t feel as awful as yesterday…even with the same set of problems. 

On the other hand, is it an unraveling? Is the situation spiraling into something uncontrollable? If so, what made it spiral? What part of it can we control? What part of it can’t we? What percentage of the chaos is created because our mind is entertaining multiple scenarios all at once? 

Finding peace in a place where others influence us negatively is difficult. But while we are being tormented by their comments, actions, and pressures, they are happily moving forward in their own life. That doesn’t mean they are a happy, content person. It just means that they feel the need to have the upper hand. They need to have power and control over something or someone in their life. So sometimes, tag, you’re it. We’ve all been tagged at one time or another. 

But the point is we need to use our own power to corral our thoughts and stay focused only on the realness of each day.  I honestly cannot recall 95% of the details of situations that caused me to stressfully lose hours and days of my life. I gave my power away and lost precious time that I will never get back. 

I think that we often chew too much at one time instead of dealing with each issue when the time is right. Things that seem upside-down have a tendency to right themselves if we are patient. And there are always lessons to learn along the way even though we don’t always understand at the moment. 

My son went through some horrendous years. A hardship I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. He made it. Not unscathed, but he did attain wisdom. Not only that, but someone watched my son from the sidelines and learned from him. This someone is now going through a similar situation and is handling it with a better mindset because of my son. We don’t often see the light while in the midst of the storm. But the reasons why for sadness, pain, and hardship often reveal themselves later. 

Jesus gave us guidelines for living in the moment and not worrying about tomorrow or the what-ifs…of which, our mind can create a multitude of what-ifs. He knows we are not truly living if we constantly live in our own mindful chaos. Jesus doesn’t want that. It took six decades for me to finally see this clearly as I am now watching my children imitate me. And I can’t get a single moment back, nor can I give them time lost. 

Problems are always gonna exist. There’s just no escaping it. Reaching out to Jesus to help us with each individual day is the key. Laying our burdens at his feet is the only way to find peace in a world that doesn’t seem to want it.

♥️

Andi

I’ve lost many people throughout my life. High school friends, a boyfriend, my parents, two best friends, an ex fiancée…people all whom I loved very much.   

Reality is this…I’m getting older and with my parents both gone, I’m now at the top of the chain. 

This isn’t a sad affair, nor is it meant to be morbid. It’s just not in us to talk about death. We may think about it but it’s not a real concern because to us death is in the very distant future. But death is reality. And I want to be prepared. 

I am an organized person. I love organizing, just ask D. So it’s no surprise that I am thinking ahead in making arrangements for my departure…of which I hope isn’t for many more years. But no one ever knows. My ultimate goal is to make this transition as smooth as possible for my children and D. 

I think about my mom and my dear Chelle. I think about all the changes that have taken place in their families since they’ve been gone. Chelle and I were going to be grandmas at the same time. We both had been waiting long years for this happy event to occur. She now has two grandchildren and I have six. Only she has never held her’s.

So as I work towards getting all of my ducks in a row, I am discovering a better appreciation for all the little things in life and of the things that matter most. I miss my loved ones so much, but through the missing I appreciate more of what is here. It’s quite beautiful actually. 

Death tends to make life more real to me. Time here is sacred.

Once I get all the details taken care of I will be able to move through the rest of my life without reservation. I look at this as a blessing and very freeing indeed.

♥️

Andi

Original post: April 9, 2021. Edited. Reposting again today on this beautiful spring day. I just heard this song on my Waukegan playlist. It’s probably my favorite song of Rod McKuen’s.

My dad listened to Rod McKuen a lot when I was growing up. I have a Rod McKuen playlist on my phone. Listening to it takes me back to a good place in time and gives me peace.

There’s a particular song I really like called Blessing in Shades of Green. Today it makes me think of all of the green signs of spring.

I took pictures around my house. There are so many shades of green, and some with brilliant colors attached, like purples and yellows. And even white…if you appreciate dandelions like I do. Nature is such a gift.

As I write, I think of other shades of green that I consider to be blessings in my life. And right away I think of the eyes of two of my daughters. With six children, we have a variety of eye color. All beautiful. Today, though, we are focusing on beautiful shades of green.

Blessings in shades of green. What a lovely, happy color. 💚

Andi

I’ve been working on a children’s story. This story has been in the works for more than a couple of years. Yep, you read that correctly…more than a couple of years. I thought the story would flow easily but it has not. Well, in my head it did. So this has taken me quite by surprise. After all, I had six children and I read hundreds of children’s stories. I should know this. I thought it was my calling.

But now I’m wondering…

I recently googled rules for writing children’s books and, well…to be honest, I’ve broken most of them. The pages shouldn’t exceed 32. Oops. The phrase, what the heck shouldn’t be used. Who knew? It shouldn’t be about teaching something. Are you kidding me? 

Rules, shmules…

Most of the story is written. I’ve got the ending to complete. But as I read, proofread, and read again…I am wondering what the heck? 

This story is way longer than I intended. I’m thinking it’s maybe too wordy for little ones. Will it keep their attention? Is it cute enough? Is it easy to understand? Does it flow? Is it too old for some kids but too young for others? Just what age group am I leaning towards anyway? 

I think it’s an adorable storyline so why is it so difficult for me to write? 

On the other hand…I am most excited about the story’s illustrations. I have two family members who will be working their magic to make the story come alive. I am anxious to see how it all comes together.

I guess I’m just having an UGH moment. I’ll put it away and look it with fresh eyes tomorrow. Maybe then I’ll even have an ending. 

♥️

Andi

A bobblehead in the rear window, looking at everything but what is in front of me…story of my life. I definitely have lived in the past while worrying about the future. I rarely lived my life in the middle. You know, in the moment. 

How do you teach younger people to live in the present? How do we teach them to not worry about the what if’s of the future? How can we get them to stop hanging onto the pain of the past…when I never could? The middle is so important as it creates our past and prepares us for the future. 

It sounds so easy just to live in the moment, but for me it was not. Maybe I was weak in faith or hadn’t come to terms with my past. Maybe, just maybe, I simply didn’t understand.

I love these lines from the song, “I’ll Get There When I Get There” by Caleb Hearn. 

Why should I be living in the future?

Or living in the past

When the middle’s what I’m never getting back.

And I don’t wanna wonder where I’m going

While missing where I’m at

Just to find out all I want is what I had

Yeah, I’m scared

But I don’t care

I’ll get there when I get there.

Life is lived right here in the middle. 

♥️

Andi

Okay, I know how messy Canada geese are and that most people dislike them…but, they have my heart. 

Our property is a sanctuary for all kinds of animals. We have deer, wild turkeys, wood ducks, periodically, fox, coyotes, a white skunk, opossums, bobcat, a blue heron, a variety of song birds, woodpeckers, and buzzards, and once in awhile, Canada geese, commonly known as Canadian geese around these parts.

I find it fascinating that there are animals and birds who naturally mate for life. That brings me to Gertrude. Gertrude is a Canadian goose. Of course, I named her. I’m guessing that she is a she and not a he. Animals aren’t confused about who or what they are. But for me, it is difficult to distinguish between the sexes of Canadian geese when they aren’t together. Male and female are mostly identical except for their size. Gertrude and her mate frequented our pond. Recently though, Gertrude has been hanging around our pond…alone. That breaks my heart. Something happened to her man. 

I remember the first time my heart broke over a goose. I was driving near a pond in a congested area near many manufacturing buildings and offices. A goose had been hit by a car. Its mate was standing near the body, clearly in distress. There was no doubt in my mind that the goose on the road was deceased. My heart broke to see such anguish in an animal. I had witnessed that same anguish years earlier when I saw a momma raccoon desperately trying to gather her dead babies off the side of the road. Animals most certainly have feelings.

Sigh…..

I thought maybe if I named the goose, D would be willing to let her stay. I know he isn’t wild about having geese on our property. And I completely understand. Have you ever seen goose poops? They’re not little poops and really are quite messy. D certainly doesn’t want goose poop around my cabin, on the dock, or anywhere we walk around the pond. I agree. I don’t want Nyx in it either. 

But…

…I feel so sad for Gertrude who flies from here to there and back again, all alone. I haven’t done enough research to know if she will ever be able to find love again. Not sure how romance works in the goose world. 

I’ve noticed though she’s not here everyday. That’s probably a good thing. I’m not sure where else she visits but I’m glad to see her when she’s here. 

♥️

Andi

There really is a method to my madness; a rhyme to my reason. 

My mother passed away almost ten years now. She died with vascular dementia. She went to her room for a Sunday afternoon nap and never woke again. She went peacefully and quietly. But that is not how the days and years were prior to that afternoon. They were anything but peaceful and quiet. 

If you know anything about Alzheimer’s and dementia, you know that often it is not peaceful for the inflicted person. Caretakers suffer as well especially if they are family members. For all her life, my mom was known as Sweet Helen. She was quiet, meek, and pleasant to be around. She taught us kids kindness without actually teaching us kindness. She was the example. 

My family moved to North Carolina in 1982. I was married and pregnant with my first child at that time so I stayed in Indiana. We were never to live near each other again, but Mom and I sure spent a lot of time on the phone. During those early years long-distant calls cost a pretty penny as you were charged for the length of your call and the time of day. But it was worth it. 

One day I remember telling my brother and sister that there was something off with Mom. They lived near her and saw her frequently. They couldn’t tell. But I could. I noticed the subtle changes. Finally after a couple of years, they started noticing too. It was a gradual change for her. 

Then it was as if all hell broke loose and this person who was sweet and gentle starting swearing and was in a constant state of anger.  She said awful things to my siblings. She always expressed love to me though when we talked on the phone. That was because I wasn’t there telling her what she needed to do and how she was going to do it. No, my brother and sister took the wrath from this person who stole our mother. 

It took a very long time to get a true diagnosis. It was a complicated process. My brother and sister were doing the best they could to get her to her appointments which she was often reluctant to go. During this period,  Mom contacted her niece in Wisconsin and told her about her awful children and how they were taking her car away and putting her in a home. Even though it had been decades since my mom had even spoken to her niece, my cousin believed her every word. 

We still don’t know how it all came about but somehow the niece bought Mom a plane ticket to Minnesota to my mom’s sister’s home near the Fargo, North Dakota border. That’s a very long way from Raleigh, NC. We have no idea how she packed or got to the airport or how she even managed to make her way through any part of the journey.  All we know is we couldn’t find Mom. You can only imagine how scared we were. We filed a missing persons report with the police and eventually that’s where they found her. 

The police called my aunt and asked if our mom was there. She said yes but refused to let Mom talk to the police. The police insisted that they must talk to her since there was a report filed. Mom told the police she wanted to stay there. Since she didn’t have an official diagnosis they had to assume she was of sound mind. There was nothing we could do. My mom’s sister and her neice thought they were rescuing my mom from her evil children. Had they just listened closely to my mom they would have known she was ill. My mom’s whole world revolved around us kids and her grandkids. Mom never had an issue with any of us. Her sister should have known that because they were fairly close. 

Mom stayed up there for a couple of weeks. Then my sister and my aunt started talking to each other by phone. My aunt and uncle were seeing the true Helen now and knew she was ill. And then my mom wanted to go home. I’m not sure what all transpired but the police were involved and they found Mom at the airport in NC and got her home. 

When my brother and sister finally found a “safe” facility for her to live after her diagnosis, Mom escaped her room by crawling out the window. It was the only unsecured window in the whole facility. She gathered all her possessions and pictures and wrapped them up in a sheet. Out the window all her things went along with Mom. Once outside she set the sheet next to a dumpster and made her way across the front lawn and then across a street. She went to a home and knocked on the door. She pleaded with them that she needed help because her children were trying to put her away. Well, the homeowner also owned the health care facility where Mom had just escaped. She was taken back. But by then the trash man had come and hauled off Mom’s possession-filled sheet. 

This is an extremely short version of only a couple events that took place. It no way describes what my siblings had to deal with or work through for a couple of years. Lots of tears were shed during that time. When Mom passed we found relief that she was no longer tormented by a mind that didn’t belong to her. 

When I think about what could happen to me in the future, I know I just cannot put my kids through that type of agony. So I decided I must do all I can to prevent or ward off dementia. I’m not of the mindset that simply because my mom had it there’s nothing I can do to prevent it. I just don’t believe that. It’s not my destiny. Well, not if I have anything to say about it. 

So this is why I have made the choices I do about my health. This is why I choose to be carnivore. Sugar is a huge issue when it comes mental illness. I know how sugar (carbs) adversely affects me. Doesn’t matter if it’s refined sugars or not. My body treats it all the same. I know how I feel when I eat SAD (Standard American Diet). I also admit that I have an awful sugar addiction. This is why I need to avoid foods that will destroy my mind and body, especially if it will affect my mind. I think I’d prefer to handle a broken body over a broken mind. 

I don’t want to say hurtful things to my children.

I don’t want to mix up stories or create false ones.

I don’t want to tell them that I hate them. Or, that I love one and despise the others.

I don’t want to swear at them.

I don’t want to physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually abuse my children.

What I do want…is to leave my children with loving words filled with wisdom. I want our final days to be a beautiful summary of our life together and our conversations to be filled with encouragement and love. 

This is why I do the things I do, even as strange as they may seem. I may not be able to prevent all that is bad but if I can ward it off, soften it, or eliminate it altogether, it will be well worth it. 

For my children….

♥️

Andi

I ran across a conversation I had with D a year ago. It melted my heart. 

March 17, 2024

Me: Looking over my life I’ve had happy moments, but it really wasn’t a happy life. 

D: I want to make your last years happy. I want to see you sitting under a tree writing your children’s book. 

Me: What do you get out of this?

D: I get to see you when I come home. 

I am so grateful for this man in my life. He makes dreams come true. 

♥️

Andi

Mitch Teemley posted this yesterday and I found it to be most entertaining. I remember the mindset of those years. It certainly wasn’t that long ago. It brings to mind the slogan for Virginia Slims “You’ve (We’ve) come a long way, baby.” Be sure you click on each picture to see the full ad. 🙂

~Andi

We live in the Age of Offendability. And yet we can all agree (or at least most of us can) that some things are always… 75 more words

The Most Cringe-Inducing Ads Ever!

Coming out of a busy week of early appointments and errands, I am enjoying this cold, spring day of really doing nothing. Oh, I’m throwing in loads of laundry periodically, but for the most part, just chilling and reflecting upon the goodness of God. 

Currently, I am wrapped up in a blanket in my cozy bedroom chair. The view from window is amazing. Every day the world outside is growing greener and brighter, even without the sun shining. The pond changes color daily from a beautiful deep teal to many other shades of green. The reflections on the water only add stunning highlights to this scene. 

Beneath the window is a holly bush which is a safe haven for a variety of birds. They continuously fly from the feeders out back, to the fence, and then back into the safety of the holly bush.  Small and medium size birds share this space and they seem to get along just fine. Sometimes we can learn wise lessons from animals…if we just pay attention. 

Now that I am comfy and I’ve gotten a little writing out of the way, it is time to read. Where The Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens is April’s book in our No Sense Book Club. 

I hope you are enjoying this day as much as I am.

♥️

Andi 

The storms have been powerful and the lightning energizes the earth. The chorus frogs sing their songs of love and a green glow shimmers through the woods after the heavy rains. The air is clean and fresh. The grass is thick and speckled with yellow dandelions…delicious treats for my son’s tortoises.

The birds and other creatures in our backyard are twitterpated and searching for their mate. Pairs of wood ducks and Canadian geese alternate time at our pond. The bluebirds and tree swallows have returned to their nesting boxes.

Lists begin of what wild perennials we want to plant, the cleaning that needs to be done, and what outdoor repairs and updos should be completed this year. 

The lawn furniture is chomping at the bit to be set out on the porch, or maybe that is just me. I cannot wait to share the mornings and evenings outside with D and to feel the very welcomed sunshine on my skin. 

Spring is like a long lost family member who has finally come home. And I celebrate her arrival. 

♥️

Andi

My dad magnetized people. They were drawn to him like those fly strips you hang in your garage. And he had friends all over the world. 

Not only did he have a boatload of friends, Dad lived life in full technicolor, 4D…or whatever the latest techno-trend is today. I’m not very tech savvy as you can see.  Dad accomplished so many things. When he set his mind on something, say like playing the guitar, photography, or sailing, he worked at it until he did it, and did it well. Then he moved onto something else. Always moving forward. Always adding to his collection of accomplishments and inking in check marks on his bucket list. That is something to be admired. 

I don’t recall Dad ever saying I can’t.  He lived his life knowing he could. So he did. 

I, on the other hand, said I can’t a lot. Mostly, because of fear. Fear of failing. Then what would people think of me? What would Dad think of me? Sometimes I didn’t pursue interests because of my concern with time and/ or money. It was easier to say I can’t. Following the path of least resistance. Shame on me.  

Yesterday marked the 4th anniversary of his death. Dad and my mom left way too soon. They were both in their 70’s which is too young in my mind. Especially now that I’m in my 60’s. 

My bucket list has dwindled greatly as I have gotten older. Often dreams change with time. What was once important sometimes no longer is. And that’s okay. I’m happy with that. But there are some things I want to do before I can’t. So I will. 

♥️

Andi

What?

I’m sorry…what did you say?

Um…huh?

Mom. 

Mom.

Mom.

Mom.

Andi. 

ANDREA!!

Am I going deaf or do I just tune people out like I did when I had six children living under my roof?

Sometimes the words I hear are very muffled. But do I give my full attention to those in conversation? I know I have an issue with figuring out my thoughts and what to say next. My mind also flits from one topic to the next very rapidly. I am easily distracted too. D can vouch for that. One morning we were sitting at the kitchen table and he was talking with me about something of importance, but I was more interested in a squirrel out in the yard. 

So…am losing my hearing, or am I just not a good listener? 

I discovered the answer to my question yesterday. 

I had my hearing tested. I have hearing loss. I was pretty surprised at my test results.

Okay, well, I can deal with this. It’s actually good to know. Instead of thinking others are not talking loud enough or clearly, it is me. I see that now. 

Did I listen to my music too loud over the years? I remember standing pretty darn close to speakers at a KISS concert in my teens. But I always left concerts with my ears feeling muffled accompanied with ringing for a long while afterwards.

I wonder if the damage was further caused by the pyrotechnics I was around for several years. You know, fireworks. We had our own company for a few years and we did large fireworks displays for many cities and events. I tried to use ear protection most of the time, but we were still exposed to a lot of very loud explosions. Maybe it was a combination and not just one cause. 

But I also feel that I do unintentionally tune people out with all the other thoughts that are running rampant through my head. And believe me…there are many. (It’s a scary place in there.)

My mom had a great amount of hearing loss but she refused to get hearing aids. I suppose it was because she wore her hair short and didn’t want them to be seen. The hearing aids today are remarkably smaller and lighter. She maybe would have gotten them in this day and age.

I do have significant hearing loss and hearing aids have been ordered. I feel too young for this at 63, but I’m not embarrassed. My hair covers them. hee-hee

No, really…I want to hear everything my kids and grandkids have to share with me. I want to have good conversations with my husband without so many misunderstandings. 

But…I’m not sure there’s a cure for my distraction problem or for tuning people out when my head is on overload. Which is always. It’s never intentional and I’m not trying to be rude so I will have to work on these things. 

Maybe huh and what will be used less frequently now. That will be nice. Sometimes that alone is exhausting. 

It’s not the end of the world. Maybe it’s just an another new beginning.

♥️

Andi

D and I have an area in the basement that is designated for donations. We are constantly finding things we no longer need but that are in good shape for someone else to use. He’s had to downsize so I could fill up every nook and cranny with my stuff. I do try to keep my things neatly organized with labels and such. 

I did get rid of a lot when we began going through my previous home. A lot. One of the donation volunteers where we had already made multiple deliveries said, “You have really nice stuff.” Made me happy that I wasn’t just unloading junk for them to sort out. 

Today I was in the basement reorganizing a few shelves with winter decor that I had taken down recently. Then I looked across the aisle to other shelves that I felt should be gone through as well. I started boxing up old sheets and mattress coverings that I’m never gonna use. I straightened up the many blankets I have. Amish blankets, quilts, afghans, old crocheted blankets, baby blankets, etc. I have a fetish for certain things like blankets and old jars. And then I looked at a lower shelf that housed bags. I have a thing for bags too apparently. 

On that shelf are several backpacks. I love backpacks. There next to the backpacks was a huge bag that is filled with bags. I’m not sure what you even call these bags. My boss from the flower shop where I once worked would go to market in Chicago and bring home to us girls (employees) these cute bags from different vendors. Yeah, I still have them and I haven’t worked there since December of 2018. 

Then…I found the Vera Bradley bags. Sigh…

Michelle’s Vera Bradley bags. 

Michelle passed away in November of 2016. How can it possibly be going on 9 years already? Her daughter gave me these Vera Bradley bags.

These bags have been packed away for all these years and I have yet to use them. But they were her’s. She picked them out and bought them. She filled them up and carried them with her on outings. She touched them. I looked them over real good. One was the overnight bag she brought to my house on her last visit with me. That trip was just a week before she died unexpectedly. I opened up that big blue bag and stuck my face in it. It still smells like her. 

Well, I paused for a moment and thought for a bit. I loved Michelle so much. It’s hard to part with anything that feels like an extension of her. She loved Vera Bradley and Longaberger baskets, of which I have a few of her’s as well. But…where is the value of Michelle? Is her value in a bag, or a basket? Is her worth in the physical things she owned and touched? Or, is her value deeply embedded in my heart? I think we all know that answer.

I have things that belonged to my father, my mother, and a couple of other people who mean/ meant so much to me. Remembering where their value lies is truly important. Material things deteriorate but the love in my heart, the blessed memories, will last forever. 

So today I did what any sane person would do. I put her Vera Bradley bags in the designated donation area. 

Well…all except for that one. You know…the one that still smells of her. That went back on the shelf. Maybe I will donate it someday. Maybe. Hey…baby steps. I’m making progress. 

Where do you place the value of the people in your life? Michelle is worth so much more than the value of a bag. But I’ll hang onto her scent just a wee bit longer.

♥️

Andi

My youngest just left my house. My heart sinks every time one of my kids drives away. Maybe I’m the sappiest mom on the planet.

Mattea and I had good conversation today. She amazes me with her well thought-out perspectives on many aspects of life. She has a new life so very separate from mine. Something I didn’t really plan on.  I never pictured her leaving. Mattea has her opinions about life along with her convictions. And I respect that. Our conversations are no longer an adult to a child, but of two adult women sharing life’s joys and struggles. 

My three girls are strong women. Way stronger than I ever was. They are accomplishing everything I wanted to do but was too afraid. I was a dreamer. Still am. And while my girls are dreamers as well, most importantly, they are doers. Dream Doers. And that sets them apart from me. Their strength is something to envy. And I do. 

I wonder how different my life would have been if I had the courage to do hard things. I guess I am more like a stream that has followed the path of least resistance. My girls…heavens, no.

My girls break through flood gates with their mighty waters. They are avalanches that pave their own way down mountainsides. They are the winds that change landscapes. They are powerful ocean tides that smooth out the sharp edges of rocks, shells, and glass…yet gentle enough to leave treasures on the shore for others to enjoy. 

And they are mine. My girls. My Dream Doers. I am so proud of them. 

♥️

Andi

A few times throughout life I have come across a voice that stands out of from all the others. James Earl Jones had a wonderfully bold voice. Cary Grant had a fun, exciting voice and James Stewart had a voice that was truly unique. But one voice that stands out from rest for me is that of Earl Hamner, Jr. 

Mr. Hamner was the narrator on one of my most favored programs during my youth, The Waltons. He spoke at the beginning of each show setting the tone for that episode. The storyline of the series was based on his own early years growing up in the mountains of Virginia. 

His voice stirred up in me the dreamer, the wanderer, the poet, the romantic, the adventurer, the writer. I remember feeling all of the above at a young age. I guess John Boy and I had a lot in common. 

I watched a couple of episodes of The Waltons this afternoon. As Earl Hamner’s gentle voice drifted over and through the mountain scenery, I felt exactly the same as I did when I was that young, impressionable girl of long ago. And I felt a calm rush over me. 

I’ve been rather stressed as of late. For no reason other than my restlessness of this long, cold winter. But then there’s the heavy burden I place upon myself of must do’s when I really don’t have to.

I need to periodically touch base with whatever takes me back to what is familiar and makes me happy. There are a few keys that open doors to places where I am reminded of who I am and what makes me, me. 

One key for me is music as I wrote about recently. Even the theme song for The Waltons and of other old programs I watched long ago do that for me. Weird, huh?

Other keys are to walk through the nature park where I once loved to run and spending time in places off the beaten path that mean something to me. Before I moved away, I’d frequently visit my special thinking spot where I’d watch the ever-changing sunsets.

The fragrance of a peony bush rushes sweet memories over me. The beauty of the Appalachia, the Grand Tetons, and the rocky coast of Maine fill me, and are most inspiring. But today, without even leaving home, the key was simply hearing a voice that stirred me once-upon-a-time. And still does, as I discovered. 

Life is so unbelievably busy and we can lose ourselves easily if we put everything else first. 

What grounds you? Visit that place more often…even if it’s only listening to a voice that stirs.

♥️

Andi

D made my morning. He informed me that’s it’s officially National Napping Day! I didn’t know! My family history involves much napping so this is pretty exciting for me. Well, my kids aren’t into napping but I grew up with nappers. As for me…I’m a believer. 

I don’t fair well with daylight saving. In fact, I despise it. Here in Indiana, most counties did not observe daylight savings until 2006. We would share the eastern time zone for half the year and central for the other half. I liked that actually. I think daylight savings was created for golfers. (Is that true, R & J? 😊)

It takes me weeks to get over the shock of springing ahead. My internal clock gets excited for the fall-back though. So napping today and….well, quite possibly everyday for the next few weeks is on my agenda. Like I need an excuse…

I think National Napping Day just might be my new favorite holiday! 

Nah…

I still love Fallweenthanksmas best. You know, the first day of fall thru Christmas. That’s the best holiday of all. But Napping Day is a close second! 

It’s time to celebrate!

Nap-time!

♥️

Andi

Original post: June 2023; edited.

When I was in my early twenties, I heard a preacher discussing eternal life. He said that some people think when you die you are dead all over like a dog named Rover.

I don’t share that sentiment. I believe in life after death. Eternal life.

I believe that we have a soul from the time of conception through all eternity.

And I believe that with every breath we take is worshipping God, our Creator.

A few years ago, I saw a video of a man speaking about our breath. It was inspiring, hopeful, and gave me peace.

I’ve thought about its concept a lot over the past years. In the spring of 2023, one of the most important people in my life contacted me for prayers as he was in the hospital in very serious condition, I began to focus on it even more deeply. Hence, this post was born.

Moses asked God what His name is. God answered YHWH, as it is recorded in the original Hebrew.

We added an “a” and an “e” to get YaHWeH. It’s been said that we have a preference for vowels. I get that.

Rabbis and scholars concur that the letters YHWH, God’s holy name, represent breathing sounds, or aspirated consonants. Without the added vowels, it actually sounds like breathing.

YH (inhale)
WH (exhale)

So a baby’s first breath speaks the name of God as does the final breath of man before the soul leaves the body.

I believe this. And I believe that every person who ever lived, those who are living now, and those yet to be born, speak the name of God with every breath they take. Even those who deny the very existence of God.

When life support was to be removed from my father, I was there. I spoke to him hoping he could hear me as I expressed years of my suppressed love for him. We had had a tumultuous relationship. There was love but it was often buried deep beneath our hurt and differences.

I stayed with him as he made the journey between this life to the next. From the time they removed life support to when he was pronounced deceased was seven minutes. Seven minutes. We watched his last breath leave his body. YHWH. My sister and Dad’s wife left. I stayed. I had so much more to share with my dad.

Yet…as I held him and washed his face with my tears there was a noticeable difference. I could tell that my dad was no longer in my presence. He was gone and my words just laid there in the emptiness.

I’ve never heard anyone ever speak of this transition until I watched a movie starring Sally Fields. It was called Two Weeks. She had been in a coma and her kids would take turns talking to her. After she had passed one of her sons went in to talk to her. He noticed that same difference after she passed as I did with my dad. She was no longer present. So he didn’t linger there. He just said goodbye. I lingered.

Heartbreakingly, I finally realized that our precious time was gone forever and that I was all alone in that cold room while clinging onto the vessel that once housed my father. My lingering, painfully, was solely for me.

Our breath is life. It is worship. It is the awesome name of our Creator. He breathed the breath of life into man, and He takes the soul after the last breath of His holy name.

Genesis 2:7
then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.

We will never be able to recognize all the amazingly intricate detail that God inserted into all of His creation. I’m glad though that others discovered the beauty in our breath and how we praise God with each one.

It never ceases to amaze me how fragile life is yet how resilient our bodies are. The will to live in the flesh is strong as we desire to remain here with those we love. My dad was absolutely not ready to leave. This life is all we know and the other side of death is scary to us. At least it is to me. Not that I lack trust in God because I do trust him. But I often question whether I am doing all that is asked of me, and loving as I should, to be found faithful.

Live life fully but with Jesus as your comfort and guide, and with gratitude in knowing that there is still much more awaiting you on the other side of death. But in the meantime…

Breathe.

♥️

Andi

Photos: 1) credit to my daughter, Mattea; 2) goodseed.com

Living with pets is a joy…until it’s not. Like today. 

When I moved here with D, I brought three critters with me. My dog, Nyx, and my daughter’s cat, Frodo, and her dog, Crystal. 

Sadly, Crystal passed away in December. Frodo…well, if you have had a cat you know the struggles of being a cat owner. And that struggle is very real. Cats don’t care about you, not one bit…until they do. Then they are quite loving. But your life with them is based solely upon their terms. The whole world is their kingdom and you are but a peasant. A cat claims it all. 

You might think I have a dislike for cats. I don’t really although I do prefer dogs. I’ve had many cats over my lifetime. I’m just over the demanding attitude and being yelled at until I go into the laundry room to watch him eat. Yes…you heard that right. Watch. Him. Eat. 

My Nyx is having surgery next Tuesday so the doctor put her on antibiotics and prednisone. 

I was instructed that because of the prednisone she might drink more and pee more. No one said anything about her faucet being turned on full blast through the night…even though I got up every two hours to take her outside. Do you know the size of a German shepherd bladder? I’m here to tell you it’s large. Yeah, it’s been fun. Top it off with today being day five of no coffee. No COFFEE….

So I’m tired and crabby and suffering from coffee withdrawal. 

And I’m over cleaning up messes. Pee and cat vomit. Yeah. Frodo is probably the cleanest cat around. I can tell by the amount of hairballs he gifts me. At least I can tell when he’s going to throw up. He makes a mad meow sound. I guess I would be mad too if I was gonna throw up a hairball. At least with the second mad meow today, I grabbed him and took him out to the yard where he left nest material for some poor, unknowing bird. 

Poor Nyx though. She can’t help having to pee more. But…she could do a better job of letting me know she needs to go out. I’m just asking for a little cooperation here. Is that too much to ask?

I went for a cold walk twice today to help with the stress of this day. It gave Nyx a chance to run a bit too. She’s gained 12 pounds in about a year. Yikes.

These are my whoas of the day. But overall I am still blessed. Life could be so much worse. Just turn on the news or scroll social media and you will see how blessed you are.

Friends who listen without judgment, a hug from a loved one, fresh air, pee, hairballs, and pets. All blessings. Well, maybe not hairballs…

Regardless of the events of the day, always be grateful.

♥️

Andi

Original post: April 2, 2023. Edited.

There is great power in words. We know what it feels like to have a harsh word spoken to us with sarcasm or in anger. It cuts like a knife and leaves a scar forever embedded in our heart. Our mind marks it unforgettable.

Knowing how words have the ability to leave a lasting impression, how often do we choose words to lift rather than wound?

If I was dying, what would you share with me, and why? Would you be more mindful and cautious with your choice of words? Would your presentation be sweeter, kinder?

If I was dying, would you tell me you love me…and perhaps, more often? Would you fill my heart with daisies instead of scars? If so, what changed between us that you should treat me differently now?

Why do we hesitate to lift someone? What are we waiting for?

Today, give someone something wonderful to etch as unforgettable in their mind, and fill their heart with daisies. ♥️

Andi

This winter D has been going through his many totes of pictures. Something I need to do as well. We sure can accumulate a lot of pictures and stuff over our lifetime. It’s been fun learning about D’s life. You know…his 65 years of living before he met me. That’s a lifetime for sure. 

D has beautiful grey hair. He wears it longer which he can definitely pull off. His hair was very dark during his younger years. A lot of people thought D looked like Randy Owen of Alabama. And he did. They wore their hair basically the same. With his permission, I can finally post his picture. Yay!

This past summer we were at an outdoor concert. We were out in the center of the dance floor when we noticed everyone backing away from us. We were standing there like duh…what is going on? We didn’t realize that the lead singer was talking about us while referring to us as Kris Kristofferson and Emily Lou Harris because of our hair. It was pretty funny when we finally figured it out.

It’s very intriguing to see D in his earlier years. I want to learn more about this man. His life was filled with hard work and family. He was a worker for sure. He did much of his own manual labor. He takes pride in his work and craftsmanship. Of any hobby he could choose…working on his own property gives him his greatest joy. He loves creating, building, maintaining, and working his own land with his various projects. And he’s very good at it. 

I’ve also been admiring pictures of D with his parents and siblings. Such a beautiful family inside and out. They have added many blessings to my life in this short period of time.

There are lots of pictures of D with his three step-kids and nieces and nephews as well. His niece and nephews spent time with D and his wife each fall when they were growing up. Uncle D taught them to use a bow while sharing his great appreciation for the outdoors. 

Like me, D finds his closeness with God in nature. He was an avid hunter up until just recently. Sitting in a tree stand for hours on end gave him such peace. I totally get it. 

It is with great appreciation that I am learning about D and his life before me. Six decades of living is a lot to catch up on but it is definitely heartwarming to see what has evolved and shaped this man into the man I love today. And I am grateful. 

♥️

Andi

I’m watching my grandkids today and I’ve had enough of SpongeBob and Mario Brothers so I turned off the TV and am playing MY music. I am thankful I don’t need a cigarette or glass of wine to chill. Just music. 

I recently created a playlist called Waukegan. It is the music of my youth, the 60’s through August of 1977. That’s when  my family moved from Waukegan, IL, to Leo, IN. I was just entering my junior year of high school.

My life in Waukegan was distinctly different from my life in Leo. Two lifetimes of my many. I needed to create a Leo playlist which is a compilation of the late ‘70’s and 80’s. This playlist takes me through my early twenties. Lots of life packed in those years. The ‘70’s has some of the greatest music of all time. But, I admit, the 80’s were pretty good as well.

My Waukegan playlist currently holds 33 hrs, and 22 mins worth of music. That’s 547 songs to be exact. When I hear a song that takes me back to those carefree and formative years of my life, I add it to the playlist. But only if it truly means something to me. Much of the music in this playlist are songs and artists that my parents loved. I grew up in a house filled with music. I was blessed that way.

Sunshine on My Shoulders (John Denver) is playing as I begin to write this post. I absolutely love this song. It takes me back to those early years when I longed to be a free spirit. I thought if I had my own car (and could drive) I’d point that baby west and drive until I found love.

Peace, freedom, the beauty of our country, but mostly, love. Those are what I yearned for. The music of John Denver gave me such a sense of longing…and of belonging. I wanted to find myself…out there. Someplace far away and beautiful.

John Denver first inspired me to write back when I attended Jack Benny Junior High School for the 7th and 8th grades. I didn’t realize it at the time though that not only do I come from a long line of nappers, I also come from a long line of writers. So I was destined to write no matter what. Even if no one read a word of anything I wrote. I had to write.

Sunshine on My Shoulders is a special song to me. It isn’t just about the happiness the sun gives to us. It’s about giving joy and peace to others. Being someone’s sunshine.

~ Sunshine on My Shoulders ~

If I had a day that I could give you

I’d give to you the day just like today

If I had a song that I could sing for you

I’d sing a song to make you feel this way

If I had a tale that I could tell you

I’d tell a tale sure to make you smile

If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I’d make a wish for sunshine for all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost all the time makes me high

Sunshine almost always…

I guess, realistically, music is about the equivalent of sunshine to me.☀️

My wish is that you are enjoying the sunshine today, whether by the warmth of the sun itself, or found in the comfort of music, meditation, art, or in the stillness of the moment.

♥️

Andi

I found this poem years ago. I’ve had it my draft file for a long time. I don’t know how e.h. would have titled it, but I think Who You Are is appropriate.

WHO YOU ARE

You are not your age,

Nor the size of clothes you wear, 

You are not a weight, 

Or the colour of your hair.

You are not your name, 

Or the dimples in your cheeks, 

You are all the books you read,

And all the words you speak, 

You are your croaky morning voice, 

And the smiles you try to hide,

You’re the sweetness in your laughter, 

And every tear you’ve cried,

You’re the songs you sing so loudly, 

When you know you’re all alone,

You’re the places that you’ve been to, 

And the one that you call home,

You’re the things that you believe in, 

And the people that you love, 

You’re the photos in your bedroom, 

And the future you dream of,

You’re made of so much beauty,

But it seems that you forgot,

When you decided that you were defined, 

By all the things you’re not.

~e.h.

♥️

Andi

Original post: March 13, 2024, edited

I guess I woke up today on the wrong side of winter. Seasonal depression is a real thing. It’s very real to me. I loved the beauty of the first snow at the beginning of this year, but here it is six weeks later and I’ve clearly had enough. It’s not that I absolutely hate winter. But the bitter cold for this extended time is clearly weighing on me. I get out once a week to go shopping. I make it a point to go thrift shopping before I go grocery shopping. That is something I love to do. It makes me happy. But that’s the extent of me getting out.

As I said this morning didn’t begin well. I had to do some apologizing. D is so kind. And understanding. I have the best world. It’s my attitude that upsets the cart.

I decided to get on my computer this morning which I never do. I used the computer once last week for the first time since we got married. Typically, I use my phone for everything. Well, last week I updated the computer. I hadn’t been on it since the update so it was a surprise to find something on my desktop that wasn’t there prior to the update. God works in wonderous ways.

I found the rough draft of a post I wrote almost a year ago. I checked on WordPress and indeed, I did post it last March. I read it and it gave me a bit of peace. Through the post, I had a good talk with myself. That’s when I started apologizing to D. God is good. He knew what I needed.

THESE THREE

Yesterday I came home from my new job…discouraged. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to a single person. I knew my state of mind would only bring others down. I didn’t want to do that. Not at all. But D did want to talk to me. He wanted to know about my day and about the new job. As you know, I wear my heart on my sleeve. And sometimes I lack discretion. Because we were FaceTiming, I could see my words, my feelings, reflect on his face. Like looking in a mirror I saw my sadness and hopelessness in him. How wrong it was of me to do that to another person. He is a happy man and I robbed him of a moment of joy.

My discouragement comes from me wavering in and out of the decisions I make. For constantly wondering what if. For questioning my judgements. And for desiring the ideal instead of being content in the reality of the moment.

Philippians 4:11: Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.

Contentment is something I really need to work on. Really….

This morning I began my day with my stretches while listening to my meditation and my Bible devotion. Then this afternoon I was able to spend time out in the warm sun on my deck.

While relaxing, I thought about yesterday. I decided I should listen to another mediation. I actually ended up listening to several on the Calm app by Jeff Warren. Everything I listened to this morning and this afternoon all pointed me to the same place.

Living in the moment. Being content. Realizing that we cannot avoid unpleasantries. Rising above frustration. Knowing that every moment is just that…a moment. Being realistic and rational. Loving others, always. Instead of looking for the light, be the light. That I am not done learning and growing. I have to do things that are necessary in life. Finding my balance.

God truly provides comfort along with solutions. He did this today.

As far as these three…you may think I’m referencing the Godhead. Well, I will say, I couldn’t be the person I am today without them. And I am ever so grateful. But today I’m referring to something else. The three that bring me the greatest peace in an unsettling world.

Meditation always begins with the breath. As I began to settle into the calm of the moment through meditation this afternoon, I tried to clear my busy mind of the last couple of days.

Mr. Warren suggested I focus on something such as my breath, but while my inhales and exhales were absolutely rewarding, it was a toss up on what to focus upon. Was it the warmth of the sun upon my face, or the whispering wind as it gently brushed against my skin and whipped through my hair, or the music of the songbirds that filled absolutely everything in-between? I decided at that moment that these three are of great importance to me and I’d be utterly lost without them. These three gifts of God.

So my home base, I decided, were these three. And while I listened to the meditation, if my mind wondered, as it typically does, I’d bring it back to home and focus on the sun, the wind, and the song. My deep, intentional breath is the vessel that takes me to the peace I find in these three. Because I know how all of this feels, I can find my way back to peace whenever and wherever I am…just by closing my eyes and breathing.

I reluctantly admit that I cannot live a life in the ideal but must live in the realness of each moment. So in times of discouragement and confusion, through my God-given breath, I will find my focus on the warmth, the touch, and the song that is forever in my heart. My home base. In doing so, I can find contentment in every moment.

Praising God for these gifts. ♥️

Andi

A note: Seasonal depression is very difficult to maneuver through. If you know of anyone who suffers with it do what you can to lift them up and give them hope of warmer, sunnier days.☀️

We all have choices to make and most choices affect not only us, but others. 

Think about this: we all have just ONE life on this earth. And our choices should not negatively affect another’s. This might be a complicated concept but let me explain. 

Say you are having an affair and your spouse has no clue whatsoever. You have made the decision, the choice, to do so. This is your one life here and it is your choice to live any way you want.  Apart from God’s stance on this particular decision, he gives everyone free will. 

But…let’s think about your spouse. Your spouse has one life to live upon this earth as well. Would they choose to spend their ONE life this way? Being cheated on? I seriously doubt it.

This choice is typically made in secret so you talk yourself into believing this decision doesn’t affect your spouse, or anyone else. Well, it does. And the realty of it, is this: you’ve stolen their choice and, in a way, their one life. That is cruel. 

Oh, and by the way…nothing stays secret.

End one relationship before pursuing another. Or, preferably, end the one that is outside of the marriage. You have two choices.

This also pertains to those who aren’t married but are in a committed relationship where one has someone-on-the-side. It’s kind of crazy that this scenario happens, but it does. End one relationship before entering into another. That is respectful and fair.

I will tell you what’s not fair…keeping one person on deck in case the other falls through. 

Maybe you are a family with young children. Have you put your own desires and choices ahead the integrity of YOUR family structure? Have the children been shuffled between homes and/or multiple love interests? Nothing crueler than hurting children this way. And no, they are not having fun.

These are examples of choices we make. Choices that are devastating to other people.

We have one life to live here. How should we spend that short amount of time? Wallowing in our own desires before others? Living life to OUR fullest?

What makes us more special than someone else?

Why should our choices override another’s fundamental right to live their life as they wish? 

I have learned a lot over the years. I see the trauma in my children and grandchildren caused by divorce. We can’t go back and repair that. I, personally, will always live with the question of if I (we) tried hard enough to fix the marriage before pulling out the divorce card. Living with regret is not easy, nor is it fun. Not for anyone involved. Divorce seldom affects only two people. 

Learn from the wisdom of others…without having to experience it yourself. Don’t be so selfish that our desires override everyone else’s. That’s the key component in most of life’s decisions. Selfishness.

It’s not just about you. It’s not just about me.

We need to weigh our decisions carefully and try to make the absolute best ones for all concerned. Life is hard enough. 

♥️

Andi 

I don’t know whose quote this is but it could have easily been written by me. I don’t claim to be holier than thou. Never have. I did have a chip on my shoulder for a period of time though. I am not perfect. I’ve never been ashamed to admit that. There is no reason to lie about such a thing. It wouldn’t move me closer to heaven. Living a lie would not allow me to help others. It is enough if my only purpose here is to let people know they are not alone in this world. We share the same feelings and struggles, mistakes and lessons, and all the highs and lows in life. 

I am being honest when I say that over the years I have given God a million reasons not to love me. 

But I know he still does. 

I have been blessed every day of my life. Even when I was selfish and put myself before others. Even when I was mad at God and turned my back on him. I gave God many reasons to turn his back to me. But he didn’t. He did allow me fall…and learn. Sometimes he readily picked me up. Other times I flopped around on the ground like a fish out of water. I had hard lessons to learn. 

Many times I failed God by not trusting him and questioning his wisdom. I felt I knew what was best for my life. And I was wrong every single time. 

I don’t need to list to my sins here. Each one of us knows in our heart what we have done to cross the line. Or, move the line.

But the reality is this…God’s line is immovable. His line doesn’t move because of our feelings or with the progressive changes in our world. It is not outdated or in need of revision. No committee is required to reevaluate where God’s line is drawn. His word, his line, is final. And really, that should give us such peace. I still struggle with this daily but I am trying. And that’s all God asks of us…to have a heart that is willing and receptive to his will.

♥️

Andi

Ahhhh…tis the season. 

People are dropping like flies around here with head colds and the flu. I’ve been able to ward off the worst of it…so far. 

I never heard that phrase until Grandpa said it a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was pretty hilarious. 

The kids and I just love Grandpa to pieces. Card games and dice are the of best times when Grandpa is around. Coffee is a must. He makes time stand still with his laughter and jokes. 

Grandpa is my ex’s ex-stepdad, even so, he is more family to us than blood. He is going to be 87 in August and still gets around very well. He has his own place and still drives. 

Grandpa lived in Florida for about 20 years. We’d travel down there once or twice a year. So much fun!

He lived on channel that takes you out to a chain of lakes. The channel was where they filmed some of the first Tarzan movies. Turtles, alligators, and lots of birdlife call that haven their home. Those were some fun times out on his pontoon.

Grandpa cracks us up with some of the funny things he says. Here’s just a few:

Shucky durn and feathers – instead of swearing in front of us

Yeah…it’d be alright if you could burn it in the furnace.

Oh, for pity sakes

There, I said it and I’m glad.

Oh you, lucky dog!

Worser and worser

Oooooh ratsinphrats

You silver tongued devil

Weaaanner and Champeeen – “winner and champion”, during our card and dice games

This one goes quite well with the green apple quickstep. I’ve been putting that ole pucker string to work.

Grandpa is a one-in-million man. There has never been nor will there ever be a man like him. I’m just so glad he’s ours. 

When he lived in Florida he’d tell me and the kids:

Remember there’s an old guy down here who loves you.

Now he drops the down here since he lives near us.

We look forward to every visit with Grandpa. Every breakfast out. Every holiday. He’s the best.

Grandpa and I have always been very close. He never hangs up before saying:

Just remember…You’re my favorite lady.

♥️

Andi

Many decades ago I received the picture below as a gift from my two oldest boys. They were but wee lads then, all those years ago. They spent the little money they had saved on me instead of buying something for themselves.

I absolutely love this picture. Maybe the old sailor is great-grandpa to the three little girls. Perhaps he’s returning from a long, extended fishing voyage. Maybe he’s was lost at sea or shipwrecked and his granddaughters dearly missed him. I can only imagine what the artist had in mind while painting. Whatever their intention, the theme is that of love in its most purest form. Love given by a child. 

This is truly one of my fondest earthly treasures. It goes wherever I go. 

My boys are now 40 & 42, yet I still love this picture as much as the day they gifted it to me. Love in its purest form. 

♥️

Andi

Transparency is one of those words that has been around for a very long time but has only just gained momentum in its usage over the last few years. 

Transparency means being out in plain view. It means others can clearly see your actions to understand your motives. 

This word is very common in the political realm. Everyone demands transparency. Until. 

Transparency is desired until your actions and motives are clearly visible. And since it has recently come to light how our taxes pay for projects and programs that have not been transparent, yes…I’m outraged. 

I don’t mind sharing that I am a registered republican but I have voted outside my party on occasion. This time I voted for someone who promised transparency and accountability. And I think the majority of citizens voted this same way. 

I have spent this winter watching legislative, oversight, investigative, and confirmation hearings. I have noted the overwhelming attitude of transparency and accountability pertain to thee but not to me. 

I’ve discovered that very important documents have been disposed of before the other side of the aisle could investigate them. I’ve watched as many cannot explain where the money went. I’ve watched as the questioning appears to come from a mindset of “I need to make sure this person doesn’t come after me.”

I voted for the cleanup of our government. I voted for transparency and accountability from every branch of  government. We should all expect that. Our constitution was written for a transparent government. And for a small government. 

I see this in church organizations as well. A congregation may begin with the right intention but soon they’ve created so many committees that it seems people lose track of why they come together in the first place. Committees argue amongst themselves and with other committees. Each want their cut from the treasury while each believe theirs is the worthier cause. Same song as in government. I think the whole thing is nonsense, not to mention detrimental.

Church and government…start small, stay small. Keep focused and on track with the whole purpose for existing. My opinion. 

I’m appalled at the report of what Elon Musk has uncovered about the millions of taxpayer dollars spent for outrageous programs. No, we do not need to spend $50 million (or whatever absurd amount) on transgendering animals. This makes me sick on so many levels. And it should you as well. That’s only one perverted use of our money that has finally been made transparent. Now for accountability. I’m all in for that. 

But the other side of the aisle doesn’t want any of this revealed. Shame on them. They will go after the undercover-er but not admit their wrong-doings. Absolutely no accountability. It’s apparent they have much invested in shady deals and other disturbing projects that they clearly want hidden from us. Billions have been recklessly spent on corruption…and with total disregard for those of us who provide the money. 

Transparency and accountability. I want this. The American people deserve this. While many are scraping by to live day by day, we have those in powerful places who want to stifle these findings to keep us in the dark. Just keep working to fund their greed and darkness. That’s their agenda. Another word that makes headlines anymore. 

Our government is broken. No matter your political stance, you should be appalled by how our money is being spent. Every department in government needs to be transparent and held accountable. We forget who works for who. What a sad place we’ve found ourselves. But I am grateful for what is being uncovered. And I’m looking forward to brighter days for our country.

♥️

Andi

My youngest daughter, Mattea, turns 23 today, the 23rd of January.  Her golden birthday. I don’t know where the time went.

I spent Tuesday with her since I cannot see her today and we had such a nice visit. I sat in awe of the young woman she is today. 

Mattea had a bad birth. I mean it was as bad as it could be. Thankfully my little girl finally took her first breath 20+ minutes after birth. This was a home birth and the midwife stopped trying to save her after about 10 minutes or so. She said there was nothing more she could do and explained that even the Amish don’t have her continue after that amount of time. But Mattea’s father continued for many more minutes and finally she took her first breath. And then another. 

She almost wasn’t here. In fact, she wasn’t for 20+ minutes after birth. All the while her dad was trying to bring life back to her body he was wondering where we were going to lay her to rest.

We don’t always understand why things happen as they do. We can surmise this or that but we don’t really know. We can only learn from them. On her difficult and discouraging days, I remind Mattea that there is a reason God gave her back to us. I need her, for one. 

With all that being said, I guess I felt I needed to be more protective of her. And honestly, I thought she’d live with me forever. 

But she has taught me a lot this past year. Even though in my heart I needed to protect her, the reality is I only hindered her. Last June she moved away and did a lot of hard things all on her own. She didn’t give up and she persevered through all the adulting she needed to do.

Mattea has a great job now and a young man who loves her. She still has me but in a much healthier light. I’m just so proud of her. 

Happy Birthday to my Angel Bear!

♥️

Andi

I love to write. It is one of my happiest places. Typically, I can easily spend hours writing. 

The current pressure I feel to write, on my blog and on my children’s book, is self-inflicted pressure (and pain). I own it.  I had a goal to dive into my children’s book last October but life was still very busy. I didn’t start until this month. So I feel behind. Behind what? It’s all in my head. I’ve created my own writer’s block. Forcing myself to write is not conducive to writing well and causes much frustration. 

The other night I was reading a book of quotes and came upon this one by the well-known author, Ernest Hemingway. 

If writing was always difficult for him, and sometimes nearly impossible, then I need to relax and let things fall as they may. I’m not on anybody’s schedule. Well, except for Grandpa who wants to read my first book before…he can’t. 

I have gone back and read past posts although I haven’t done so for quite a long time. I think I should again. Hemingway reads his owns writing to cheer himself , I need to go back and read mine. 

Life is stressful in many ways yet how much of our stress is self-inflicted? What would happen if we allowed one of our pressures to go for a day, or maybe a week? Would our world really fall apart?

Loving yourself is taking care of yourself. And we are all deserving of self-care. Myself included.

As for me, I’m taking a short break from my children’s book to breathe and allow inspiration to find me again. I know I’ll never stop writing. I will remind myself that writing is not a job with timelines and deadlines. Writing is a gift and should be handled with love and gratitude. 

♥️

Andi

Most of the snow melted during the end of last week. But now it is frigid. Current temperature is 1 degree with a windchill of -14. 

I think I’m done with winter now.  

I loved the initial snowfall. It was beautiful. I felt like I was in a hallmark movie. But when it is this cold you don’t enjoy being outside. I have only been out of the house once in 2 1/2 weeks. I’m not complaining. I love it here. But not being outside or in the sunshine can really dampen my spirit. 

I think it was last Thursday when the temperature was a balmy 45 degrees. A heatwave. So I took advantage of the weather and ventured out to my cabin. I miss being out there. I had already taken the  Christmas decor down and stored it away before the initial snowstorm a couple weeks ago. So the cabin is ready for spring. And for me. I am really looking forward to enjoying it in nice weather. I am just so happy when I walk through that front door. 

I will be very ready to sit out on my porch with D and listen to birds, frogs, and crickets. It will be here before I know it and I have many indoors goals to accomplish before then. Time goes too fast already so I’m trying hard not to wish my time away. 

Until then, I have a bad case of cabin fever. 🤒 

♥️

Andi

For some reason I have been having great difficulty writing. Maybe it’s writer’s block but honestly I’ve never had a block last this long. Months long. There was a time when I would post every day. Sometimes twice a day.

All my life I’ve been a deep thinker. I have always felt every single thing, deeply. Even as a child. The beauty of this world captivated me. God’s love moved me. Romance intrigued me. Dreams stirred me. 

My writing was inspired through emotions along with hard-earned life lessons. My life was very difficult over a long span of years. I pulled a lot of my writing from where I was at the time. Besides always a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, I was living in survival mode, lonely, and anxious about where I was, and where my life was headed. With that, I feel my writing had more substance and meaning. Now that I am in a great place it’s become more difficult to tap into that part of me. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining about my new life. Certainly not. But I would like to find that place again where I hold my deepest feelings. I am still the same person I was prior to my life with D. I’m still filled with wonderment and questions and an exuberant amount of life lessons. Maybe I’ve just been so busy adjusting to my new life that it’s only temporarily misplaced. But I do miss writing like I did not so long ago. 

I know there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to revisit some of those difficult places again. And I understand that. But many of those places were/are good. Where I once was holds the very essence of who I am.

♥️

Andi

The moon is just as amazing to me as the sun although I love them for very different reasons. This full wolf moon shines bright against the white snow covered ground. It’s as though someone has forgotten to shut a light off while I’m trying to sleep. 

The moon is a connection of hearts. There’s just something wonderful about gazing at the moon and knowing your loved ones, although far away, are gazing at the same moon.

I am in awe when I think about those in past times, even in biblical times, who admired this same moon.

God is so awesome to have created such nighttime beauty. Just one of many gifts for us to enjoy. ♥️

Andi

I love the change of seasons. My favorite seems to be the shortest season of all…autumn. Once the leaves fall off, well…it’s just kinda blah. Winter is my least favorite but I’d probably miss it if I didn’t have it. This winter hasn’t disappointed me though. It’s very beautiful even though it’s bitter cold. 

On Monday, after the storm subsided, Nyx and I went for a walk around the property. I wanted to take pictures. Nyx raced around the yard. She loves the snow. But then she got so cold that she sat under a tree and waited patiently for me. 

The sky was beautifully shy. It didn’t know quite what it wanted to do. Should it shine a bright blue, or remain grey, covered with dark clouds?

I watched a variety of birds take turns at the feeder and five does out in the field. I enjoyed breathing the cold, fresh air. And I loved hearing…nothing. Snow has a way of silencing everything. 

Yesterday, Wednesday, was bright and sunny. The crispy snow sparkled. But it was way too cold to go out for more than a few minutes. My orchids and I enjoyed the sunshine from the kitchen window. 

This morning was extremely bitter cold (7 degrees) but I couldn’t resist going out to take pictures of the sun’s magic upon the frosty fence row. My finger’s didn’t appreciate it so much though. 

We have more snow moving in tomorrow, with 2”-4” possible. 

Today is the 9th of January already. 2025 has started on the fast track. I’m not sure why it’s in such a hurry. I have much I’d like to accomplish before it gets warm again. 

Job 37:6-10 

“For to the snow He says, ‘Fall on the earth,’

And to the downpour and the rain, ‘Be strong.’

He seals the hand of every man,

That all men may know His work.

Then the beast goes into its lair

And remains in its den.”

“Out of the south comes the storm,

And out of the north the cold.

From the breath of God ice is made,

And the expanse of the waters is frozen.”

♥️

Andi

A repost of another blogger, Regie Hamm.

3 MONTHS

Is it just me, or has this been the longest election-to-inauguration in history?  It feels dozens of major global stories have played out and a …

3 MONTHS…

My personal thoughts:

I appreciate Regie’s thoughts. D and I have been discussing this “in-between period” and all the damage that can/will be done by the current leadership. Extremely childish. This isn’t a playground. Everything, good or bad, affects all of us. We will pay for it in one way…or many. The “stick it to you” attitude has no place where/when the stakes are so high. It actually has no place anywhere. This holds true for any administration on its way out.

Pray for our country and leadership.

If we only knew all the hidden secrets, truths, lies, fallacies, and twists and turns of everything…we’d be pretty sick. If we knew what politicians, services, and departments were doing in secret our stomachs would turn inside out. Who is truly our friend? Who is being bought out? I’m sure we would be surprised (no, devastated) to know. Who in government truly desires to protect and serve our beautiful country over self-empowerment? Just knowing what is going on out there in plain sight should be enough to increase our prayer life. God is now and forever in control, but he definitely desires to hear from each of us.

♥️

Andi

Back in October, my sister and my daughter, Charlie, came to stay with D and me for a week. My sis is from North Carolina, a beautiful state. My daughter from sunny Florida. We spent one of those days shopping and we visited our favorite bookstore, Barnes and Noble. 

Charlie was picking out a fantasy book and my sister said she’d get the same book to read. I’m not into fantasy so much but jumped in and said that I’d read it as well. That’s the moment when we decided to start our girls book club. It would help us to remain closer between the miles. I bought a book for my oldest daughter in Chicago and one for my youngest daughter who lives an hour and a half from me. 

We came up with the name, No-Sense Book Club because with of all the chattering, we just don’t seem to make much sense. It’s kind of funny actually. My sister, Denise, says, “Nothing makes sense. Except when it does.” Maybe this is hard for others to understand. Well…welcome to our world. 

We take turns choosing a book each month. We read it then FaceTime to discuss the book. We have our own text group too. It’s been fun doing this with my sister. She adds so much fun to the group. 

Since October, the four books we’ve read are:

the SPELLSHOP, by Sarah Beth Durst

Dreadful, by Caitlin Rozakis

Vanishing Treasures, A Bestiary of Extraordinary Endangered Creatures, by Katherine Rundell

The Happiest Man on Earth, the Beautiful Life of an Auschwitz Survivor, by Eddie Jaku

And the book assigned for February is Double Deal, by Michael Corbett with Sam Ciancana.  

It’s been fun reading books I would not have otherwise chosen. Some I like more than others. Currently, the unanimous vote for best read so for is The Happiest Man on Earth. (Two of the girls haven’t read it yet.) Two of my girls read it in one day. I agree. You just don’t want to put it down. I will say that this true story will grab you by the shoulders and shake you. It will touch the deepest recesses of your heart, pierce your soul, and question many things about the world in which we live. And about the cruelties of war…and sadly, of people.

I bought copies now for each of my boys. I think the message is important. I have decided that I will read this book once a year, every year. So I never forget. 

I also bought The Happiest Boy on Earth, written by the same author, Eddie Jaku. It was written for his great-grandchildren with a much gentler approach to his life’s trials and triumphs. I will read this to my grandkids. I actually wish I could have met this humble man. But through the tenderness of his writing you are his friend. And I love that. 

If you love to read, or even if you don’t, I encourage you to find time for The Happiest Man on Earth. It’s one of the most powerful books you will ever read. 

♥️

Andi 

Another new year has begun. It’s been a quarter of a century since we thought the world might crash and burn because of an imagined massive world-wide computer glitch. But here we are now in 2025. We made it. We made it through that and many numerous tragedies and scares. Seems like someone (or someones) is hellbent on scaring us into subjection, or whatever. Regardless, we keep rising to the top. I believe God has his hand on ours. 

I am one who does a whole lot of reflecting at the end of the year. What went right? What went wrong? How did I spend my time? Could I have reacted better in difficult situations? Was I fair? Did I love enough? Did I serve others and God as I should have/ could have? 

There are some major key points that I am going to concentrate on this new year. Besides developing a closer relationship with God, and loving others more deeply and sincerely, these are my Top 10 priorities for 2025.

1. Focus on health and longevity.
2. Spend more time outdoors.
3. Learn from yesterday’s mistakes.
4. Be careful what I wish for. 
5. Lift all others above myself. 
6. Be kinder in word and deed.
7. Do not speak out of turn.
8. Listen carefully.
9. Disregard the need to be right.
10. Respect boundaries, mine own, and those of others.

You would think that as one ages most of these would be as natural as breathing. Maybe I am simply one who has to work harder at being more observant and attentive. 

None of what I listed above is unattainable. In fact, quite the contrary. They should be second nature. With practice and patience, they will be. Taking care of your health and being outdoors in nature have everything to do with, well…every aspect concerning your life. I know for a fact that they do. You see, I am the “yo-yo girl”. My highs and lows in life directly correspond with where I am health-wise. When I get off track, my world crashes. I tend to bring others down with me as I spin out of control. When I am taking care of myself as I should I’m on top of the world and my relationships are better. 

I am weighing the pros and cons of starting another blog solely based on my health journey. This might be just what I need to hold myself more accountable. You know, get out of my comfort zone. I pitched the idea to my youngest son last night to see if he would join me on this journey and help pen the blog. Others may benefit from the two of us sharing this journey with our very different viewpoints. Me being an older woman and him being a young man. This whole idea is only in the hmmmmm stage right now, although I started my journey today and will be journaling in case it goes to a blog at a later date.

As I reflect upon the close of 2024, my heart saddens that another year has begun without several beautiful people in it. Those whom I deeply loved throughout my life. Even Crystal, our dog, didn’t make it to 2025. Their absences make me want to love all the more those who are in my life today. There are blessings even in loss. 

I hope you have dreams and goals for a better quality of life in 2025. There is nothing wrong with starting fresh in the new year. It’s a perfect place to start. A new page in a new chapter in our life. Pen it wisely. Let your gratitude be known. Love like there’s no tomorrow. Dance in the rain. Or, in the kitchen. Sing out loud even if you don’t know the correct words. Let the sun shine on your face. Laugh until your sides split. Let others know how much you love them every single day. 

♥️

Andi

Wishing you a beautiful day!

♥️

Andi

The desire to live is fierce. The body does not want to un-live. Regardless of whether the being is human, animal, or plant, all were blessed with an innate desire to live and thrive. 

But on the other hand, sometimes enough is enough. The body is compromised. The spirit broken. The will to thrive has now become a will to just be without pain, physical and/or mental…whatever that entails and whatever the source of pain. 

There is often a fine line between living and…not. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made. Even for those in the animal kingdom. 

Today was that day.

A hard decision had to be made. 

I don’t like playing God by taking a life nor do I want to carry the heavy question of did I do the right thing for the rest of my life. 

6:45 pm

Tears are shed. Crystal is gone. And an emptiness has been created in our hearts and home.

Death is a part of life. Becoming a pet owner means you accept death along with all the fun. Acceptance doesn’t make it any easier. Even with an animal who challenged you on many levels, as Crystal did with me. Now all those moments seem pretty petty. 

Watching someone or something suffer is most difficult. It’s the most hopeless, painful feeling imaginable. Yes, even with a dog that irritated me. I will never get used to it. Death always seems like a long way off. Something that happens to other people. But death shows no mercy or partiality. 

My daughter is hurting tonight as Crystal was her dog. She’s had her for 10+ years. When she moved, I had to take Crystal with me. Regardless, this was most difficult for my girl. 

The will to live is strong, yet oh, so very fragile. I will not question God’s design. I will just continue to learn from every tough experience to become a better, more compassionate person. 

Goodbye Crystal. You gave us some good laughs. 

I love you, my daughter, Mattea. 

♥️

Andi 

Earlier this week I spent time with Ezekiel. We went to Barnes & Noble. I love that my kids and I share in a love of writing and in books. Books that you hold in your hands and can smell the pages. 

I decided to visit the children’s section where I hope to one day have my own authored books sitting on the shelves. I thumbed through several books and three caught my eye. So much so, that I had to purchase them to read to my grandkids. 

The first one that I couldn’t put down was called “Together, A Tale of Friendship” by Daphne Deckers. The book cover grabbed my attention with the gorgeous colors. It is a delightful story about discovering what/ who a friend really is. The illustrations were wonderful. This book was my favorite of the day. 

The second book was “Mother Bruce”, by Ryan T. Higgins. What a fun book about a grumpy bear who accidentally becomes a mother to baby geese. I love the illustrations that captured the emotions of the animals. Very well done in my opinion. 

The third book was “The Day the Crayons Quit” by Drew Daywalt. Such an imaginative story where crayons had much to say about how they are used, or not used. Each color writes a letter to the owner of the crayons, a little boy named Duncan. Again, the illustrations are wonderful. 

If you are looking for last-minute gift for your Littles, these are my recommendations.

I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season! ♥️

Andi

My mom’s name was Helen. She wasn’t well-known upon this earth. Her name was never in lights. She didn’t win a Nobel Peace Prize. She didn’t author a book. But she did write on the hearts of those who knew her. Her message was of love and kindness.

Today Mom would have been 84 years old. She passed away 9 1/2 years ago. And I miss her still. 

When we kids were growing up, December 19th was a special day. Not only was it Mom’s birthday but this was the day we’d get our Christmas tree. We’d bundle up and head out to Christmas tree lots that had precut trees. Of course, the trees were netted so you couldn’t really see their shape. We’d take the tree home and remove the netting. Dad would tell us to let it sit overnight in the warm living room in order for the branches to relax before decorating.

As you know, this year my Thanksgiving, Christmas, and holiday baking day were squished into the last two days of November. It was a lot of fun. But now I’m feeling a little nostalgic as I think of Christmases past. 

When my kids were young, it was nothing to spend an hour and a half looking for a tree to cut. We usually ended up taking home the tree at the front of the lot, closest to the car, that we admired when we first got there. 

So today I found a tree farm to visit. It was the only one in the area that stated “Open 1-6, Sunday – Friday” on their website. It was a beautiful, sunny day for a drive, so I the drove the 40 minutes to get there. No one was around but I got out and walked through the many trees anyway. Some trees were painted with bright colors. I felt like I was in a Hallmark movie. It would have been pretty to see them covered in snow. 

I started heading back to the car when a truck pulled up to greet me. I told the older gentleman that I really didn’t need a tree but that his trees were beautiful. I explained that it was my mom’s birthday and that we would always buy a tree her special day. He kindly asked me about my mom.  Then I told him about searching for the perfect tree with my kids, but now they are all grown up and in different places. He was very kind and listened as I spoke. He was compassionate as I wiped my leaking eyes. I told him his farm was the only one online that was still open so that’s why I chose his farm to visit. He said that they actually closed last Sunday. I thanked him for not calling the police on me and we laughed. I wished him a Merry Christmas and headed home. 

I needed this special time to remember the beautiful memories. It was rewarding. I might make this a new annual tradition. 

My momma was a beautiful woman and a loving mother. I will always cherish December 19th. 

Happy Birthday, Momma. 

You are “always in my heart”. ♥️

Andi

My car won’t start on this cold day but I more than welcome the opportunity to stay home. So I am enjoying Christmas movies as I  work on my children’s story. Yay me!

The movie I am watching is called Merry In-Laws starring George Wendt as Santa Claus, and Shelly Long as Mrs. Claus. While Mrs. Claus is trying to win the heart of the future mother-in-law to her son, Peter, Santa displays a little magic to Peter’s elementary school children during play practice. Peter is a little upset about this. He doesn’t want his fiancé or her family to know who he really is.

Peter explains this to his father by stating the world is just not the same anymore. People are not the same. Santa agrees with him and simply says that people need to realize that every day is a gift. 

I guess that made me think. Every single day is a gift? Really…?

I recall the very worst days I’ve ever experienced, of which there are many, and I wonder how those days were gifts. The pain experienced during those times felt quite unbearable. No…they were unbearable.

I needed to reflect on this whole concept. So I did.

The only conclusion I can come up with is this: the worth of a gift is not always valued the day it is received. 

Not that the death or grief is a gift. I will not downplay the heartbreak of losing someone. But the gift often comes later. It is found in the growth of our heart, and in our own self-evaluation when confronted with death, and in the lessons learned with every condition/ situation dealt to us.

We begin each day not knowing what we will experience during the day…but we get up anyway. We don’t know if good things will happen, or if we will have car problems, lose our job, our home…or someone. Our day could be a combination of both good and bad. We just don’t know.

But the true gift is in the waking up to each new day to be a better person than I was yesterday, and hopefully making difference in someone’s life…a difference in this world.

A kind word or gesture. Walking away from unnecessary confrontation. Lifting someone up. Growing within our own self.

The gift is in breathing. Loving. And, in caring. It’s in teaching our little ones what is truly important in life. And our gift is in loving God, and acknowledging his blessings.

Every day is a gift. I do believe this. I know I have often been self-centered and wondered what’s in it for me? But it’s not about me. It’s about what I have to offer.

I hope you can see your gift. ♥️

Andi

When I was moving from my house to D’s, I told him that I needed to be all settled in so I could begin to write my stories by October. It is now December and I haven’t written a single line. Well, except for my blog. 

The holiday season is basically over for me so most of December will be quiet for D and me. A lovely way to end the year after such a busy one. If the weather warms up, even just a little bit, I will take my Christmas decor down in the cabin. It will be cold enough over the winter that I will not be in it and I don’t want that chore hanging over my head. Besides, I will have other projects to concentrate on when spring arrives. 

But now…it’s time. It’s time to find my focus, warm up some creativity, and write through the cold winter months. I have a wish to grant. Grandpa would like for me to publish a book before he passes. He is 87 and in relatively good health. I will do my best. 

I cannot wait to get started. ♥️

Andi

Our annual holiday baking day was successful. The elves were busy, busy, busy all the day long. And the house was filled with noise, noise, noise…as the Grinch would say, along with D. Actually, the two have sort of blended together to make one entity. D is in agreement.

The gingersnaps made by Jangle were delicious as always. It takes several hours to make them but Jangle takes it upon herself to do these every year.

Snickerdoo made the Oreo balls. They were yummy and cutely decorated, along with chocolate covered pretzels.

The peanut butter cookies by Cocoa were soft and just so good! Zara Belle helped wherever needed. The little elves, Poppy and Holly, helped Snickerdoo with the pretzels. 

Both things I personally baked, flopped. I’m not really going to discuss the first and only batch of pumpkin peanut butter cookies, except that the taste test among elves and civilians was split 50/50. The lemon bars…not sure what happened with them but you can put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. Delicious though! 

My chili for lunch seemed to be a hit. The guys slept off and on in the living room until football came on. The little cousins had good time. They range in age from 2-8. They do not see each other often so this was fun for them. 

On Saturday, we celebrated Thanksgiving. I was blessed with all six of my children, and all six of my grandchildren. Again, the day was busy and noisy, but it was a good day. At 3:00, I walked my grandchildren to the cabin. There under the tree were gifts for each of them. This was Grandma’s Christmas for them since they were all together. What fun they had opening presents and their stockings…which took all of 12 minutes. 

Dinner was at 5:00. It was amazingly delicious. Lots of hands made this dinner a success.

My son-in-law, Mando, made two turkeys which he and Denae painstakingly deboned the night before they traveled here. D said it was the best turkey he’s ever had. 

Sunday was open to leftovers for lunch before Denae’s family headed back home. Thanksgiving leftovers are the best. 

Now it’s time to relax. Charlie will be here for another week. She helped me in the kitchen for days preparing for the weekend. Now it’s come and gone. Tummies were filled. Good memories were made. Hugs, kisses, and laughter filled our home. It was a great time. But I don’t think I’ll do baking day and Thanksgiving back to back again. That was tough to pull off. 

I’m grateful for pictures. They keep the moments alive and close to my heart. They remind me of the blessings in my life. 

I hope your holiday season brings much happiness and joy. ♥️

Andi 

I have loved the idea of a simple life since the beginning of my time. But I have searched for it all my life. Life just never seems so simple. When asked what I wanted out of life, I would always respond with two things: 1) a simple life, and 2) a close family. Those were my only wishes. 

Life was hard long before the divorce. But it’s been very difficult out on my own for the past eleven-plus years. My kids and I were trying to find our ways in life. Me as a single woman with kids. And the kids were trying to figure out who they were and what they wanted to do with their life. We all had much healing to do as well. 

As the kids grew into young adults their differences separated the bonds of their youth to a certain degree. We experienced rough patches within our relationships. But love is much stronger than our most difficult trials and our different opinions of life itself. Love prevailed. It held us together even during the periodic silences. Recently I married and D brought with him a most amazing family. They are woven together tightly and beautifully. Like a colorful braided rug, hand-tied with care and love. And they have welcomed me most lovingly. 

I have my close family. ✔️

As far as simplicity is concerned, that’s been more difficult to obtain. Was it to my own doing, because nothing seemed simple. Every detail of my life was difficult. I lived in survival mode. I worried way too much. I see that now. I felt everything had to be in complete order for peace to be found. And I could never reach that completeness to satisfy. I never had all my ducks in row. My life was more like herding cats instead of lining up ducks. 

I have this nasty curse of overthinking even the smallest of thoughts. I once bought a self-help book called “Women Who Think Too Much” by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. I thought about reading it but I guess I overthought it instead so I never did. 

But what did simplicity look like to me? I had no idea but I just knew I didn’t have it. In the past, I found that I could sneak in simple moments. Those moments were found in nature away from the hustle and bustle and conversation of people. And that would make do for a bit. There, my problems and difficulties seemed to vanish for those moments. A taste of simplicity.

Today, my world is in a much better place. I’m learning a lot about myself from D, my husband. D is gentle in his thoughts and his heart is so kind. I see more clearly the obstacles I actually created for myself throughout my life. I made my life so much harder than it needed to be.

Granted, my life was difficult. And not just because I made it so. When others are involved, well…you simply have no control over them and that makes it most difficult. 

But today, I see simplicity with a clearer mind. Simplicity, like happiness, begins in the mind. It’s a state of being. I can choose simplicity over complexity by keeping things in perspective. Not overthinking. Not overdoing. Not worrying (so much). I could have chosen simplicity over the drama in my life. Every issue that seemed devastating really wasn’t. And most of those issues I do not recall to this day. I made life harder for myself, my kids, and those around me. And for that I am truly sorry.

While the concept of simplicity begins in the mind, it also encompasses what you make of your surroundings. Whether you live on the fifth floor in an apartment complex and care for your potted plants on a sunny windowsill, or live on a 100 acre farm where you work the soil and care for animals, simplicity can be found and/or created. Everyone’s idea of simplicity would vary of course. What is it that makes your life feel simpler and lighter?

A couple of days ago I walked out to my cabin, and what did I see? I saw stacked wood behind my cabin. My heart leaped for joy! Why? Because stacked wood is a sign of simplicity to me. It means there will be a warm fire by the pond shared with loved ones…away from the stress of the world and days long gone that still find a way to hover over me like Pooh Bear’s little black rain cloud. 

I don’t think anyone has ever been as excited as me to see stacked wood. 

I thank God for this man I call D. He has given me a clearer understanding to the innermost workings of me. He has gifted me with a beautiful place to call home, along with retirement. And now he’s given me a cabin with neatly stacked wood along the trees at the edge of the pond. 

Simplicity at its very finest. ✔️

♥️

Andi

The holiday magic would not happen without these two. Tomorrow they will get a workout on our annual Holiday Baking Day. Gingersnaps, Oreo Balls, Peanut Butter cookies, and Lemon Bars…and anything else my elves decide to make. 

We have a long, fun day ahead of us. It’s a lot of work but so worth it! Hope your festivities continue throughout the weekend. ♥️

Andi

Old Yeller

In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

As this busy year begins winding down, I look back with gratitude of where I was to where I am now. But even so, if this year would not have played out as it did, I’d still be in a state of gratitude. I see all that God has blessed me with throughout my life. It wasn’t always a bowl of cherries. Quite the contrary, actual.

But the beautiful people in my life, the food set before me, the water I have to drink, a place to rest my head, the clothes in my closet, the good moments, and yes, even the bad times, all lead me to the feet of Jesus. And for that, I am grateful.

I hope that you are thankful today and every day forward.

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues. ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! ♥️

Andi

The other day I wore my Amazing Grace sweatshirt to Hobby Lobby.  After I loaded my treasures into my car I pushed the cart back to the store. A woman was just about to enter the store when I asked if she’d like my cart. I told her it rides nice. She was grateful and then told me she loved my sweatshirt. She said more people need to step out for God. My first thought was that I should ask her if she wanted to know all the ways that God has blessed me with his grace and how grateful I am. But I wished her a good day instead and I thought about grace on my drive home.

When I was a liar, he still fed me.

When I was prideful, he let me fall into his arms. 

When I took things that weren’t mine, he still clothed me. 

When I was weak, he gave me strength.

When I failed my children, he gave me their love.

When I didn’t pray, he listened to what I wasn’t saying. 

When I thought I had it altogether, he showed me I didn’t. 

When I wasn’t honest, he gave me time to make amends.

When I spoke out of turn, he humbled me. 

When I reacted instead of listening, he humbled me again. 

When I didn’t believe, he showed me truth. 

When I was afraid and alone, he brought others to me. 

When I was beaten down, he gave me a scarf in the Kroger parking lot. 

When I felt invisible, he sent strangers to lift my spirit. 

When I felt insignificant, he sent me sweet notes from my children. 

When I was wrong, he gave me painful lessons to learn from. 

When I fell hard because of my strong will, he still picked me up.

When I was struggling, he gave me close friends. 

When my checkbook was in the negative, he made sure I had enough. 

When I was cruel, he pricked my conscience. 

When I walked away from him in anger, he gave me time to realize that I used anger as an excuse to keep from serving and honoring him.

When I think about all the sins I have committed throughout my life, I’m deeply ashamed. I am grateful that God didn’t just take me out because he saw there was no hope that I could ever be a good person. Thankfully, he never viewed me as hopeless. He believed in me even when I was ugly.

He noted my day-to-day struggles, the pain I carried since my childhood, and my anger. Through it all, he saw that the deepest part of my heart was good. Therefore, to him, I had potential. 

He didn’t remove painful obstacles, but rather he let me walk through them. Even when I felt alone during those hard times he was there waiting on the other side. Through his grace, grace I do not deserve, he continues to bless me.

It’s funny that I never cared for the song Amazing Grace. I liked so many hymns better. But it wasn’t until last year I began to really think about the words with greater appreciation. And then I heard it played with bagpipes and the song filled my soul.

When I think of his grace, I can’t help but think of  God’s Son. I don’t deserve Jesus either but God said I do. And who am I to argue with him. So I will accept his love, his Son, his lessons, and his amazing grace. ♥️

Andi

In reference to the scarf: https://coffeewithandi.com/2024/01/04/the-scarf-3/

As many of you know, we have a family tradition of an annual holiday baking day. We are excited to be planning this year’s baking day which will take place in just two weeks. This year has gone so fast! Let the holidays begin!

THE NIGHT BEFORE BAKING DAY

The night before baking day

And all through Momma’s house

The anticipation of tomorrow

Even excited her spouse!

Elf aprons are hung

In the closet with care

To remove all the wrinkles 

From our festive fun wear. 

Recipes have been collected

Ingredients too

Flour, sugar, and spices

Not much left to do.

This joyous occasion

Is an annual event

Of holiday baking

Family time is well spent.

Holiday songs will be sung

While moving our feet 

To Santa Claus is Coming

And that boogie woogie beat.

The elves are my girls

My daughters and grands

Adorned in their aprons 

And festive headbands.

Come Zara Belle and Holly

Jangle and Sugar Plum too

Poppy and Cocoa and Tinsel

And, of course, Snickerdoo!

Come little boys wee, 

And Grandpa and Glitter

With dads and with uncles

We don’t need a sitter!

The smell of our gingersnaps 

As they bake in the oven

Will soon fill this house

They are made by the dozens.

Peppermint Patties and Buckeyes

Fudge and Oreo Balls too

Are a few of sweets made

Over the last decade, or two. 

My sweet little elves 

Sleep well tonight

Tomorrow this house

Will be filled with delight.  

♥️ Momma Glitter

PS Santa Claus is Coming by The Tractors. What a fun song!

Once upon a time my dream began. My oldest daughter, Denae, said she first heard about my dream in utero. She’s 32 now. 

I don’t exactly know when it began. I’ve always loved the solitude and beauty of the country life ever since my teen John Denver days. He’s actually the one who taught me how to tap deep into the spiritual aspect of who I am and inspired me to write. 

I wrote a post a year ago about my dream. You might enjoy it. Link is below. 

https://coffeewithandi.com/2023/10/13/my-cabin-my-dream/

When I first met D it was fun getting to know each other. And it still is. One night I shared my cabin dream with him and the wheels in his mind (heart) instantly began to turn.

One day he mentioned he’d like to fulfill my dream. He told me he had been looking for Amish built cabins and he chose a high spot on the property near the water where the backside of the cabin would butt up against the woods. The very idea that he wanted to fulfill my lifelong dream…well, he swept me off my feet.

But then life became very busy. We decided we needed to be together sooner than later. I began to sort, pitch, donate, pack, move, unpack, organize 63 years worth of stuff. D was busy mowing two properties, doing minor repairs to my house, moving my belongings to his home, taking donated items where they needed to go, creating a better storage area in his basement, etc., etc. when we look back now, we cannot believe all that we accomplished this year. All this while we both had jobs. The cabin idea was silenced. And that was okay. We were both so tired. 

But one early summer day, we drove to Amish country to buy flowers for the back patio. On our drive home D saw cabins on a corner. He turned around and we went back to look at them. They were very nice. We discussed what we liked and didn’t like. There was no name or number attached to the cabins but even though it stirred the idea in D’s mind once again, we still kept quite busy with everything here at home while adjusting to married life. 

Every time I walked around our pond and I found great peace by a little cove. I wanted to put my red bench there. And D agreed. 

Meanwhile, D found the information concerning the log cabins. With all that we accomplished this summer he wasn’t going to stop until he fulfilled my dream. First though, he wanted a confirmation from me that a mini cabin would fulfill the yearning I had for a log cabin. I said it would. He also reassured me that this would be my place. My place of peace. A place where I could express myself and find the inspiration I needed to write. And he too fell in love with my spot along the cove. So he ordered a cabin. It would be 12×30, the covered porch being six feet of that measurement. And while the cabin was being built he cleaned the cove up and removed thorny trees and brush. And he leveled the place for the cabin to sit and hauled in rock. When D does something he puts his whole heart into it. He put his heart into what I call Cabin Cove. And I love him so much for it. 

Yesterday, six weeks after ordering it, the cabin arrived. And it’s even more beautiful than I imagined.

Ezekiel came by and helped us move all the furniture into the cabin. Much of which I’ve been collecting from GoodWill and another thrift shop in town. The bookcase/ hutch was found at an antique store during the Covered Bridge Festival a couple of weeks ago. 

D and I got into the golf cart at sunset and drove around the property to see the cabin from all angles. It is perfect. We are both so happy with it!

I have a bucket list of things to do and see but I believe the cabin fulfilled that list. Not that I’ve checked many items off but it seems to have satisfied my longing for other things. I just need to write and hopefully, well enough to publish something. 

I have everything I could possibly desire. I have a man who truly loves me. Children who give me purpose. And I have a cabin by the water near a woods. 

♥️

Andi 

Selfish desires rarely affect only the owner of said desires. Often there are ill effects for those who don’t deserve to be party to such desires. Vision is distorted when something (or someone) is not in God’s plan or in his timing. Way too often children are the ones who are subjected to the pain of these bad decisions. 

When young families split up and one or both parents begin introducing their children to new love interests, often multiple love interests, the parents have a tendency to believe the children are having fun too. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Young children want their parents together. They don’t want to see a parent with multiple partners. They don’t grasp what is happening. Their concept of family structure becomes distorted. Regardless if they are taken to fun outings and events, they are not having fun in the long run.

Of course, I’m not a therapist. I cannot speak for every situation or every family. I only speak from personal experiences. While I did not have multiple partners when my first two children were young, I did marry a man whom I should not have. The trauma those two experienced was something they will never completely heal from…and I won’t either. Even so, I had four children with this man. Beautiful, wonderful children…and to be clear, I will never ever regret having them. 

The point I’m trying to make is that I did not listen to my boys. I did not pay attention to the pain in their faces or the fear in their eyes when I dated that man. And then, I married him and added four more precious souls to the mix.

I have Littles going through a tough time as I write. And it’s not their first time. This has happened multiple times in their little lives and my heart aches for them. A family ripped apart. A parent’s selfishness continues to cause deep wounds that may never heal. They truly are not having a good time. No matter how often you take them to the zoo (with yet another true love), or how much candy or toys is given to them, they are absolutely not having fun. 

Young parents pay attention to what your children are not saying. Put your desires behind what’s best for your children. Be realistic to what IS best for your kids. They need to feel safe and secure. They need a strong foundation. And tag…you’re it. They need consistency and security during those early formative years. They need to be loved first and foremost. 

Hindsight helps no one. You can’t take back what was dished out. You can’t give back a child’s youth. You can’t erase the bad and pretend it never happened. Children see and feel way more than we think they do. They see the truth through it all. My children actually knew more about what was going on than I did because I wore rose colored glasses. I tried to smooth over the bad to show the outside world we were a perfect family unit. I did this at the expense of the very ones I thought I was protecting. Epic fail. 

All I can say is love your kids. Be patient with the forward movement of your life. Everything is in God’s timing. Just be there for your kids.

♥️

Andi

♥️

Andi

Photos: watermarked are my photos

I was blessed to visit my friend this past Wednesday. We live three and a half hours apart so when an opportunity arises to see each other we jump on it. Today I’d like to honor her through this post. She deserves it.

Michele is the most unique and one of the most genuine persons you could ever meet. I wish each of you could sit with her for even just an hour. Her storytelling will keep your interest because her stories are filled with laughter, love, life lessons, and godly wisdom. 

I learn something about myself with our every conversation. She can honestly read me. She might tell me something I’ve been feeling but haven’t shared with anyone. She just knows. She teaches me how improve my relationship with others, to not be afraid to love, give, and shine. Most importantly, she shows me how to grow closer to God. She does this through conversation, but also as I watch her interact with others. She gives me much food for thought. I’ve never met anyone like her. 

I’ve noticed how Michele works diligently to bring people together. She is a strong family person and she strives to keep the family structure intact and healthy. 

Michele lifts up all those she comes in contact with. Strangers included. Actually, on second thought, there are no strangers in Michele’s world. She will share her wisdom and love for God no matter where she happens to be. Michele freely gives compliments and lifts others up. She never tires. She is one who truly knows her purpose. 

This woman is intuitive. She doesn’t judge. She is so wise. And she is bold. Maybe that makes some people uncomfortable but she is lovingly honest. And for some, honesty hurts too much to face. 

Michele is such a jolly woman. She has a permanent smile on her beautiful face which radiates with love. She is a blessing to everyone she encounters. And if someone calls her with a need, she is there. Michele places everyone ahead of herself, but in doing so, she knows she is honoring God, so she doesn’t complain. 

Michele told me recently that she is thankful for her life as a hair stylist. It made human touch a natural thing for her and allowed her to see people through God’s eyes.

D had the opportunity to finally meet her. He fell in love with her too and now understands why she is one of the reasons I love making this trip frequently.

If I lived closer I would take care for her like she cares for others. But for now I will do what I can to support her through our distance. 

I have been blessed with two amazing Michelle’s in my life. My best friend, Michelle, passed away eight years ago.

This beautiful woman I write about is Michele with one “L” and I’m very grateful we reconnected last year. A treasured gift from Matt, through his passing, as she is his sister. Our friendship grows stronger with every visit. I cannot wait to see her again. ♥️

Andi 

This is truly one of my most favorite passages.

To me, the two most important parts of these verses, besides trusting in God with all my heart, are:

1) to not lean on my own understanding, and

2) to not be wise in my own eyes.

I could have saved myself from a lot pain and heartache over the years had I firmly grounded myself in these verses alone.

♥️

Andi

Photos: my photos from Maine, October 2019

…that whatever state you are in, whatever problem is looking you straight in the eye, whatever decision needs to be made, whatever words have shattered your spirit or altered your life…have faith that,

Don’t give up. Trust in God. ♥️

Andi

Photo: northern lights, October 10, 2024

Earlier this week, I was talking with my friend, Michele, who lives three and a half hours northeast of me. I mentioned how I wish I could visit more frequently. 

Her response was this:

That’s ok you have been able to step through all the doors God has provided!

After my friend (also Michele’s brother), Matt, passed away in June 2023, I visited his family often. As I said, it is a three and a half hour drive from where I live now. I once lived there decades ago and it is where I graduated high school. Before Matt passed I made a promise to him which I intended to keep. And I did, in fact, keep it. 

I drove up there about every other weekend for a few months. When I saw how the dynamics of the situation began to change in a totally unexpected way, but in a very good way, I believed my promise to Matt had been fulfilled. I did not feel I was abandoning anyone. (If I had, I wouldn’t have changed anything.) I was as available as much as I could be with the distance. But I didn’t travel as there as frequently. Yet…I longed to be there.

At home, I knew I needed to change something in my life though. But I didn’t know what. It needed to be big. I was buried under the stress of maintaining my property alone. My job situation wasn’t good. My anxiety level was pretty high. I was at a crossroad. Eventually, I made the decision to move up north, and I began to actively prepare my children with that decision. 

But not everything goes as planned.

Just like the dynamics of my promise to Matt changed, so did my plans to move up there. The only bad thing about this change was that it wasn’t what everyone wanted. And I’m sorry about that.

We don’t always understand the reasons behind everything that happens. Like…why did Matt have to leave us when he did? From our humanly stand point, he was a much needed and loved man here on earth, and he should be here!

But who am I (who are we) to question God’s decisions?

We must understand that God’s wisdom is far greater than our own and our prayers are answered in his timing…and in his infinite wisdom. 

For a very long time, I had been praying that God would show me what path to follow; which doors to open or close. I was so frustrated that I didn’t know his will when I wanted to know it.

All through life most doors were barely visible to me. Maybe I couldn’t see them clearly because they weren’t what I wanted. My vision distorted by my will. Or maybe there weren’t doors available because of God’s timing.  Very few were open with lights on and a welcome sign above the door frame. 

Until recently. 

Things drastically changed after Matt’s passing and when I finally came to terms with everything that had happened over the prior several months. 

A single door opened…

I saw the welcome sign. 

And then another opened. 

And then a couple more. 

Michele is correct. I have been stepping through the all doors that God has been providing me lately. And while I love my family up there, God decided it was best for me to stay here and be a companion to D. I have been needed here to care for family as well. Things are making sense as to why events happened when they did.

But this post wasn’t meant to be just about me. 

This is a post about all of us loving God and respecting his decisions…even when it’s not what we want, or what we think is best. God doesn’t make mistakes.

It is about trusting in his timing and his will. 

It’s about having patience to stay put while God works behind the scenes.

And it’s about making sure that prejudice and selfishness do not hinder our vision to see those doors when presented to us.

It’s also about coming to terms with things we absolutely do not want to come to terms with. But understanding that we must in order to honor and respect God. 

Michele is a blessing in my life. She lifts me up through her praise to God. She’s never at a loss of what to say to comfort or express her love for me. She’s not ashamed of who her heart belongs to. She is a beautiful treasure and I am grateful for our rekindled friendship.

When you are ready, God will present new doors to you. I believe this. I truly wanted to move north. But God had other plans. After all that I experienced in 2023, my heart was finally in a submissive place and I was able to listen. I have been walking through all the doors that God has been placing before me. And he has blessed me beyond measure. More than I possibly could have ever imagined.

♥️

Andi

Original post: February 9, 2020; edited

One Sunday morning, back when our family was still young and growing, we decided to visit a tiny, white building which housed a church. Originally the building was built for a few families to gather to homeschool their children. We unloaded our then five children out of the suburban and marched them into the building, little knowing that our lives would be forever changed and richly blessed by the love of an elderly preacher named Buddy.

There was just a handful of people attending at that time. Our seven people filled up a row. Everyone greeted us with handshakes and smiles. After hearing a wonderful message by Buddy we prepared to leave. Everyone shook our hands and smiled once more, suggesting, hoping that we would come back again. As I was walking out Buddy caught me in the doorway. “Can you teach? We need a teacher for the younger children.” And the rest is history.

Buddy quickly became a member of our family. He and his lovely wife lived about 35 minutes away, but he spent a tremendous amount of time at our home over the next couple of years. He studied with us. He took time with our now six children and he took time with me and my (now ex) husband. We all fell in love with Buddy.

On his way to visit us in the fall, he would stop at a farmer’s market and pick up a gallon of cider and persimmons to give us. We would sit around , drinking coffee, and talk about his life as he had so many stories to tell. A few I still remember but my busy life erased many from my mind. And that saddens me. One story I do remember was when he was in training in the military. He had to crawl under barbed wire while being shot at with live bullets. He lifted his head up slightly and a bullet hit his helmet. He laughed when he shared that story with us but I am sure it wasn’t so funny at the time.

Eventually Buddy had to retire from preaching because he was sick. Cancer. He and his wife decided to move back to Tennessee to be closer to their son and his family. We visited them while he was still able to get around. He took us on a country music star scenic bus tour in Nashville. That was fun. I still remember seeing Alan Jackson’s beautiful home from the road.

We continued to keep in touch daily by phone. He still answered our many questions (we always had so many) and gave advice when we needed it. Or, sometimes, we just chatted about nothing of importance. Finally, he just wasn’t able to do that any longer.

We got a call one day that he wasn’t doing well. We drove five hours to his home, praying all the way that he’d wait for us. He did. We sat by his bedside. I read the Bible aloud as that was home to him and where he found great comfort. The Bible was his life. We held his hands and even though we could no longer understand him verbally, his eyes reflected love. No fear. Only love.

We finally had to say our last goodbyes. That broke our hearts. I could see the sadness in him as well and that was really hard to take. He passed away a day or so later on September 21, 2004.

Sometime before he passed, Buddy and I had a conversation about bibles. I asked if I might have the bible that he opened up to us so many times. He said that I could. Once he passed, I did receive a bible but not the one I asked for. That bible went to his grandson because it had been accidentally left in the truck that was given to him by his grandad. I was selfishly upset about that.

I remember having a meltdown one day because of losing such a great friend. His passing was truly a huge loss in my life. I was alone in my room, sobbing…and as I held his old bible I was soon to discover it held a far greater gift than the one I had originally asked for.

I held that Bible close. It was then I felt something on the back cover. Curiously, I looked it over and when I realized what it was I cried even harder. For on the front and back covers were the indentations of his thumb and fingers.

My heart lifted.

Buddy would hold that Bible at his side when he stood. His thumb on the back cover and his fingers on the front. I quickly found pictures taken of him with my kids and there he was holding the Bible in just that manner.

To me, it represented how tightly he hung onto the Word of God. He never let go of it his whole life. I found such peace in this wonderful gift and I was reminded of what was truly important. It wasn’t about me and my loss. Nor was it about me not receiving the Bible I had asked for. I was greatly humbled…again.

Every once in awhile, I will press my fingers and thumb into those indentations and I am reminded to get back on track. Buddy’s love will was great, but God’s is far greater. Sometimes we need earthly reminders because we are human and tend to forget.

I thank God that He gave us Buddy during the end of his life. It would have been great to have known him for longer than a few short years, but everything is in God’s timing. He knew our family needed Buddy at that time. God also knew that we depended on Buddy so much, maybe too much, that maybe we finally needed to stand on our own. I don’t know if that was why Buddy had to leave, but there is a lesson in everything. And I am grateful for what I learned.

I felt this was an appropriate story to share again on this Sunday morning. I hope you gathered something good and uplifting from it.

♥️

Andi

I visited my youngest daughter on Friday. She moved an hour and a half away almost four months ago and this was my first visit. Bad mommy….but with everything that’s been going on here…well, time just got away from me. 

She moved to a very beautiful, well-kept, city which is big on the arts. And her apartment is within walking distance of most of it. 

My daughter, Mattea, is 22 and the youngest of my six. I have felt protective of her. She had a rough start in life and it’s only because of God’s grace that she is here today. I’ve told her numerous times that she is here for a purpose. There is a reason that God gave her a second chance and brought her back to me. I believe there is more than one reason. It’s not just for me. I’m just sure of it. 

Because of her rough beginning, she has had a few obstacles to overcome that the other kids didn’t. But she is a tough one….my Mattea.

After Charlie moved out in 2020, it’s has been just me and Mattea, so it was difficult to see the last one leave my nest. But there’s more to it than her being the last to leave. Because she struggles a little harder in life, I believed that she’d always live with me or near me. I believed she was always going to need me and rely on me to cope in life. 

But this girl knew what she wanted. She packed up, and with great determination, moved away from our little rural town and settled in a very busy place with roundabouts at almost every intersection. 

When I visited, she was beyond excited to show me her place, her town, her new life. She has adapted so extremely well.

I never would have thought…

Not because she isn’t a strong girl, no. It was because I saw firsthand her struggles, frustrations, and disappointments. I thought the world would be especially cruel to her. 

I realize now that even though I protected her out of pure love, I actually stifled her potential. And when the cards fell into place, she proved to me, to the world, that she is quite capable. 

Oh, the world is still cruel but not only to her. And she realizes this. Anyone who lives on this rock knows the challenges of this life. Rather it’s realizing the world is not a respecter of persons where it singles out one person over another. Reality is this world just isn’t heaven so it’s going to be tough for everyone at times. We simply have our own individual challenges to face and conquer. 

My daughter has such a good, pleasing heart. I am remorseful that I didn’t trust her strength and her courage as I should have. I could have opened up her vision instead of supporting her inhibition. But in my defense, it was out of love (although a very nearsighted love) and for a safety net I felt only I could (and needed to) provide. 

I was so happy to see her in her newly discovered element. She glowed while checking off her list of places to show me as we walked through the city. This was a monumental moment for us both; a humbling milestone for me. I’m just so proud of her. 

I’m grateful today for the peace of mind in knowing that she’s gonna be okay. ♥️

Andi

The funny thing about writing (and posting) in the middle of the night is rereading what I did the next morning. 

Yeah, it can be funny. Or sometimes, not. 

I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up (wide awake) one hour later. I got up and went into the living room. I felt inspired to write. At first I tried writing about the reason I thought I woke up in the first place. Was it because the remnant of the Full Corn Moon still shone brightly through the blinds? Full moons can do that to me. But the words didn’t come easily so I knew that was not what I was to write about. 

I was talking with D just the other morning. He is looking forward to a future post about something good that will happen in the near future. But I explained that I have to be in it to feel it before I can write it. And sometimes I feel intense feelings to write about something in particular. I like to think that God helps me know what to write and when to write it in order to help someone else. Often, though, I find that it actually helps me.

As I sat there quietly in the dimly lit room, the words of Charlie whispered through my mind again and again. I felt it strongly; therefore, I knew I had to write it. 

“Mom, if a man looked at me the way D looks at you, I’d get up and dance with him.” 

I knew this was it and the scripture verses I’d include. Beauty was written and posted in the middle of the night. 

Maybe I should clarify from that post that even though I worked hard to look presentable to the outside world, I rarely ever felt I achieved it. Even when I was a runner and weight trainer. I always felt terribly flawed. Flawed by the world’s standard. I didn’t listen to those in my close-knit circle who love me more than some stranger in the Kroger parking lot. I felt I had to do my best to be attractive to the outside world. I have a terrible image of myself and I wish that I had help with this in my younger years. I guess it didn’t help that my dad body shamed me when I was thin as a teenager and even when I was 30 and in peak condition.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my dad even with all the bad that happened between us. But…he did me wrong here. He made me feel unloveable.

My mom was a beautiful woman. Inside and out. But she could never do enough either to be happy with who she was on the outside. Why did this happen to us both? Maybe it was because she was married to my dad. 

On the other hand, the world continually moves the bar higher and higher so you never can reach it. Such a stupid standard to base your whole existence. Wasted energy. Wasted time. And an anxiety that had affected my whole life. 

If my words here can help one person here figure out their value on this earth isn’t based on how the world, and all of the strangers upon it, view you, then I will be happy. And I will give God the glory. 

D isn’t a shallow man. He’s a good man and I am beginning to trust him with my vulnerabilities. It’s taking me time to adjust and work through stuff. There’s a lifetime of baggage I need to dump. But he’s here for the long haul, and I know I am blessed beyond measure.

The funny thing about posting at 3:00 am is rereading the post at 8:00 am and realizing it requires a follow-up post. It’s all good though. You all know I wear my heart on my sleeve. I write about the innermost me because hopefully, I can relate to someone who can see they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings. 

Thanks for being here, and for being you. You are beautiful. You know that, right? Don’t let outside influences define you. Don’t listen to those who mean to hurt. They hurt because they’ve been hurt. Don’t base your happiness on your outer appearance. Life is too short. Listen to those who know you best and love you the most. ♥️

Andi

Oh…and don’t forget to dance. 💃🏼🕺🏼

1 Peter 3:3-4

Do not let your adorning be external–the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear, 

but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.

Just throwing this out there: I have with insecurities concerning my body image. My mom did so I simply followed her example. Much of the world’s focus is on how beautiful we are. If you find favor in the eyes of the world…if you turns heads…then you are a winner. Only there is no prize.

In all honesty, we owe the world nothing, absolutely nothing, in that respect. 

It’s no secret that I’ve battled with my weight all through life. More than once I’ve lost only to gain again. I am currently carrying some extra weight. Am I happy about it? No way. For one, it makes me weak and that’s something I detest. When I tell my body to do something, I want it to do it. And I want it to do it with ease and with grace.

I’ve spent (wasted) much time trying to look perfect for others. I never reached my level of perfection so I never gave up trying. By others I mean strangers I meet at the grocery store or gas station. Wherever.

Why did I feel that it was my responsibility to please the world with how I looked?

Perhaps I felt I had to compensate for how I viewed my inner person. That too is a place of great turmoil. So maybe it was just easier to spend more time on my outward appearance than work on my inner issues. 

D and I love to go to summer concerts. We absolutely love music. D is a dancer. He’s out there, man. He’s out there on the dance floor having the time of his life. But not me.

A couple of weeks ago my sister and my daughter, Charlie, came to visit us for a week. We had a dance-a-thon in my living room and kitchen. Of course I say, “I’m not dancing”.

I dance in my kitchen, alone. I don’t want to dance in front of anyone. That would be shameful and embarrassing. Remember what I said earlier? If I tell my body to do something I want it to do it with ease and gracefully. Well, I’m not there.

The night we had the dance-a-thon I was sitting there like a lump after turning D down…again. Sweet Charlie spoke to me from across the kitchen table.

“Mom, if a man looked at me the way D looks at you, I’d get up and dance with him.” 

So I got up and I danced with him. And we danced the night away.

All of us had the best time. Me included. I will never forget what Charlie said.

Then another night we danced at an outdoor concert. The lead singer even stopped singing and called us out. He called D, Kris Kristofferson, and me, Emmy Lou Harris. It was pretty funny. And then a few days later we danced at an outdoor karaoke event. 

Even though I feel yucky, unworthy, and unloveable outside (and in), D sees beautiful. And it took Charlie to get me to realize that.

What is most important is what is on the inside. I may not appreciate the outer me, but when I thought about the people who actually want to be around me, well…that spoke volumes. They look past the skin to my heart and love me anyway, even with my shortcomings. 

So how does God look at us? Is he interested in how we adorn ourselves on the outside? Not so much. He looks at our soul.

Our face, our character, our demeanor, our speech will reflect what is in our heart. And if it’s godly, that’s what truly makes us beautiful.

You are deeply blessed when you have people who want to be near you simply because of who you are. ♥️

Andi

I’m not a swimmer, scuba diver, or snorkeler. I tried skiing once, and only once, and I tore my hamstring in three places. I was the passenger on a jet ski once, and only once, with an inexperienced driver, and he dumped us in the middle of the lake. That was pretty embarrassing at the time. Maddening, really. Tubing was fun in my twenties and thirties though. I will admit that. 

I had a long-time dream of being part of a rowing team. Once-upon-a-time I was strong enough to do it too. And while boating, canoeing, and kayaking are water activities I still enjoy, a majority of my favorite moments in life are found along the water’s edge. 

Whether I’m on the rocky coast of Maine, as the sea declares its dominance with its wild and powerful waves,

or on St. Pete Beach watching the sun set low over a peaceful Gulf,

or in my hometown, Waukegan, IL, on the shore of Lake Michigan, watching angry waves beat the shoreline,

or at Cataract Falls admiring the beautiful change of seasons,

or here, at home, on the quiet little cove of our half acre pond,

…nothing is as perfect as the peace I find along the water’s edge. 

Water is tranquil. For me, it is inspiring. It opens my mind to creativity. It is a place of dreams. 

A perfect combination is my red bench along the water’s edge of our little cove. I can see my soul being filled here in this new and perfect place in my life. What a blessing. 

I hope you too have a place which fills you with peace. ♥️

Andi

The past eleven months with D have been a whirlwind of events and changes. Life-changing events. Not to mention all that transpired last year prior to our meeting. Life moved fast from one moment to the next. One event to the next. Change after change. I’ve barely been able to digest it all. 

But here I am in this moment now. I look back in wonder of it all. The timing. The work that was accomplished. The confidence and strength found in this man I fondly call D. And the love that brought me here to this place I now call home. 

And as the dust begins to settle, I look ahead at all that is before us. And I am grateful. 

I got out my feather duster and as I went room by room, lightly running those feathers over each individual piece of furniture and decor, I see how well our treasures blend together. As the duster touched each of D’s paintings hung throughout the house, I felt even closer to him as they represent our shared love for the mountains, lakes, and wildlife. 

I guess cleaning shouldn’t be viewed so much as a chore but a way to count blessings.

As the dust begins to settle, and I question why and how of all the good that has happened to me, D reminds me of his words many months ago. 

I had forgotten his words and all the dreams he said would happen. But then words are often said to sooth a moment.

But D prayerfully, and lovingly, made every one of those dreams a realty. Our reality. His words were not words to sooth a moment. His words were words of action and grounded in prayer.

“Remember? I told you all this would happen.” 

I have this little metal sign in our office and when I would get overwhelmed with the fast moving pace, he would gently tell me “every little thing is gonna be alright”.

It was. And it is. 

As the dust begins to settle a heaviness is lifting from my heart and soul. The weight of worry is turning to trust. Trust that this man truly loves me. Trust that his words are more than just words. Trust that he will do his best to keep me safe. Trust that he won’t let me do life alone. 

As the dust settles, I am breathing lighter. I am filled with excitement. My heart is wonderfully filled. And I count my blessings.

♥️

Andi

Photos: A few of D’s paintings; cropped to respect his privacy.

My bench has a new home. It is such a treasure to me that I couldn’t part with it when I moved. I bought it once-upon-a-time at Gilley’s, an antique mall, which is one of my most absolute favorite places to shop.

If you recall from previous posts, the prior setting of my bench was on my front porch. It was sort of secluded in that little front area of the house. From there though I could watch the woodpecker family on the old cherry tree near the road. Robins would nest in the white lilac bush just off the porch.

My Hercules, and now my Nyx, would lie next to the glider as I contemplated life and affectionally placed my thoughts into words and paragraphs.

I thought a lot of thoughts on this old faded bench while happily gliding away with my many thoughts, hopes, and dreams. 

So even though D has outdoor furniture he knows what this bench means to me. We agreed I could keep the bench with me although I’d need to repaint it as D does not care for the color red. My house closed on the 27th and the bench sat in the new garage until I found a perfect place for it here. 

As I walked the property, I found that perfect place on our half acre pond. It has on the south end what I call the little cove. It’s beautiful with the trees that border it. 

The view from this end of the pond is peaceful. In the west, I can see the wildflowers we planted in the spring along the fence row which is beyond the pond. The dock is on the north end and framed by the woods. The fountain is centrally located in the pond which moves the sparkling water and creates the most soothing sound.

But the cove is still and quiet. The water is a pretty teal color with deeper, richer tones from the shading of the trees. This spot inspires me and gives me peace.

I will be repainting the bench soon to protect it from the weather. And I will be painting it a shade of red. Yes, you heard me correctly. Red. D says he actually likes the color in this beautiful setting. That makes me all the happier. 

Maybe I have some sort of attachment issue as I am easily attached to things (not just people) that are part of my memories. But, I guess, if this is my greatest flaw today as I graciously move forward in this life, I’ll gladly accept it. 

♥️

Andi

Just so much has taken place in a very short period of time. Many life-changing events have kept my head spinning. My brain has been sorting, pitching, filing away, and coming to terms with an array of information and emotion. Just so much.

For those who know me personally, know I have difficulty when I am overloaded and overwhelmed. D has seen my stress and anxiety on a few occasions now. And I am just beginning to realize that my children saw the same more times than they should have throughout the years. I should have been a stronger, more together mom. For that I am remorseful. 

Not that I turn wicked or anything. But I get short. And I get upset. Not sure when I failed the class on Life’s Coping Skills, but I did.

Yesterday morning made me realize this all the more when I had a slight meltdown. Something didn’t go smoothly at first and I thought it was the end of the world. But D was controlled. He spoke calmly. Rationally. He was patient. And the whole situation was reversed. Everything turned out great and exactly as it should have. 

Even with just so much (and all at once), I should have/ could have handled the situation better. There’s almost always an answer or solution to any problem if handled correctly and with a clear head. Thinking before reacting. 

So now since I understand this more fully, it’s time to settle down and find peace. Life won’t always be easy but it doesn’t need to be as complex as I tend to make it. 

I am blessed beyond measure and that should override any negativity that pops up in daily living. God is just so good.

I married a beautiful man. My house sold in two days for exactly what I asked for. Everything is unpacked and organized here in my new home. I am retired. I am close with my kids. My kids love D and his family. And I see the blessings of having D (and his family) in my life every.single.day. 

So when just so much happens in life try to remain calm because the good will outshine the bad, if…you allow it. 

Lesson learned. ♥️

Andi

I woke up early and began reading news articles before I got out of bed. This is something I should refrain from doing as it sets the tone for my day. And since there is not much good in the news, this is an unpleasant way to begin. 

So I will forget for the moment how our world is rapidly changing, but not for the betterment of the people who live here.

This morning as I look out into the early light of a brand new day, I will remember the love of God and know that he is in control. 

I see the beauty he has blessed me with outside this bedroom window. The pond. The woods. The sunrise. 

Inside this room I hear the soft breathing of a man who loves me. 

Outside this room, two of my daughters and my sister are sleeping soundly. 

And I remember yesterday and new love shared between two families. What a beautiful day. 

Yes, God is good. He answers prayer. He walks beside us. And he gives us bountiful blessings each and everyday. 

I am blessed. ♥️

Andi

Today I did another hard thing. I opened up two containers. Containers that I needed to go through and get rid of most, if not all, of its contents. Actually, I opened the first container last night which was labeled My Youth. The other was Baby Clothes and Blankets. 

Do you recall these lines from a commercial: 

“Hey, you got chocolate on my peanut butter!” 

“Well, you got peanut butter on my chocolate!”

Two words collided. 

Well, that’s kinda how it went with these two containers. I have strong sentimental attachments to the contents of both. 

I opened the one from my youth. The first thing I see is my baby doll, which I figure is at least 55 years old now. And her clothes looked it. And her hair, wow. I’m glad it’s short. I always say that when I wake up in the morning my hair looks like a doll’s hair that’s been left in an attic for 50 years. Well, it does!  

Anyway, I looked the baby over as I wondered what to do with her. Is it too heartless just to pitch her? I don’t think anyone would pay money for her if I donated her to GoodWill or the thrift store where I shop frequently. So I decided to put the baby doll in the grandkid’s toy box and see what happens. 

I watched my grands today and when Belle saw the baby doll she snatched her out of the box and loved on her all day. Belle brushed her hair and told me the baby needed new clothes. It was wonderful knowing that this doll was bringing joy to another little girl.

Tonight I went through the container of baby clothes. Such memories attached to each onesie, winter buntings, slippers, mittens, hats, etc. 

I didn’t want to part with most of it, but then I had an idea. What if I pick out the smallest outfits for the baby doll? So I did just that. Now I can see the baby doll and the clothing again. Two worlds collided. 

So I dressed the baby in pajamas that all six of my kids once wore. I kept two blankets and several articles of clothing.

I made the baby doll a bed in a colorful cardboard box. I folded the extra clothing and placed them in another little box for Belle. Can’t wait to see if she will be as happy as I am. ♥️

Andi

My friend, fellow blogger, Danielle, posted this morning about feeling your emotions. (Link below.) I am sharing a poem I wrote many years ago to go along with her post.

https://thedailyaddictcom.wordpress.com/2024/08/16/feel-your-feelings-8-16/

EMOTIONS

Is there shame in expressing sadness, heartache, or pain,

To look through the sun and only see rain,

Is it absurd of me to feel such emotions,

Must I drink from the well of those feel good potions?

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My feelings are genuine and very real to me,

Please don’t condemn because you can’t see,

That the positive and negative, together compose,

The very essence of people, with their highs and their lows.

 ~~~~~~~~~~

Perpetual happiness is wrong to expect,

When a heart is so broken; emotions reflect,

As God in the beginning blessed all of mankind,

With many emotions, at His will He designed.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

So cherish and marvel at this wonderful gift,

Knowing life isn’t always joyful and bliss,

While lifting a sad soul to a happier place,

Know that variety of emotion is worth the embrace.

♥️

By Andi

January 25, 2013

We are attached to many things. Probably more than we actually realize. When you decide to put your house up for sale the reality of attachment hits you upside the head. Or, should I say…hits you in the heart.

Weeding out what I no longer need in my life from those things I cannot live without, has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. 

And I feel so sorry for D who has been harnessed on this roller coaster ride with me…and my many attachments. 

Last night, I did a hard thing. I gave away my beautiful oak table with its 10 chairs and the matching hutch. Gave away. Like in FREE. I spent the last decade trying to decide how much to sell it for. I was in survival mode for so many years and was always needing to make ends meet. So I decided on $2,000 but no less than $1,800. Yet, in the end, I gave the set away to a young homeschooling family. I have a soft spot in my heart for homeschoolers.

Even though, I am very attached to the set. Lots of great memories at that table. Cards and dice with Grandpa. My busy elves on our annual holiday baking day. The lamented map of the world displayed on it that drew great dinner conversation. The birthdays gathered around it. The holiday meals. Yes, I am attached. It’s in a good home now though. I admit it still tugs at my heartstring but I’m content with that. I told them to make good memories around it. I have many. It’s time to share.

Then there’s my beautiful antique dining room set. A table, hutch and buffet. The hutch and table mean so much to me. The hutch housed my skunk collection which is now in a container. It also held school books for my youngest homeschooler in the cabinets below. The table looked lovely decorated for the holidays and with seasonal flower arrangements throughout the year. I can’t part with it just yet. And D is sweet about it even though it means moving heavy stuff again. (Almost done, hunny!) I’m hoping one of my kids will want it in their home when they have room.

I’ve sorted, pitched, repacked, and donated numerous attachments, big and small, and more than I can count, during my move to D’s and in the selling of my house. I guess I’m a tad bit materialistic. I attach memories to everything it seems. 

D has been understanding and accommodating toward my attachment issue. He sympathizes with me when I give something up. He praises me too when I take these big steps. And he kindly makes room for what I can’t part with. I couldn’t have done any of this without him. 

I have many more boxes and containers to sort through.  My lifetime of memories…not to mention the selling of my home. My youngest lived all of her teenage years here. Kids came and left. Holidays and seasons as well. Grand babies arrived during these years too. <sigh>

Thankfully, my kids understand and support me too. They remind me that many more wonderful memories will be made in this new chapter in all our lives. 

I am truly blessed this day. ♥️

Andi

With it being county and state fair season, I started thinking about carnival rides. Do you remember that Tilt-a-Whirl? I think it might be renamed now. I recall my first ride was with my brother and sister at a 4th of July carnival in Minnesota. I was about 9, my sister, 8, and my brother, 7. 

At the time, I wore a headgear which was designed to align my jaw. It had a strap around the back of my neck and rubber bands attached the neck strap and the metal brace on my face by little metal hooks. The brace attached to my teeth but was removable.

Anyway, the ride operator placed me in the center of our car. My brother was on my left and my cute little sister in pigtails on my right. 

As our car twirled around independently from the other cars but also moved up and down with the other cars, my little brother started to slide down under the support bar toward my feet. I tried to grab him and hang on as we were tossed around in our car. But as I tried to reach down to him the hook on my headgear got caught in my sister’s pigtail. So her head (and body) had to follow mine as I tried to retrieve my brother from the floor of the ride. That ride lasted forever. We were hanging on for dear life as the we spun around. And with our weight all leaning in one direction, we spun faster especially when on the downside of the ride. The operator never stopped the ride even though we clearly showed signs of distress. 

The ride finally came to a stop. Not because of us, but because it was timed out. We were happy to exit. And I was so happy I didn’t lose my brother. My sister, well, she looked like she had been through the wringer. And actually, she pretty much was. As funny as it is to talk about now it was pretty scary at the time for us little kids. 

Later, my aunt and uncle rode the same ride. My aunt didn’t fare so well. I guess that’s why they strategically placed a huge trash barrel at the point of exit. 

Those are my most vivid memories of carnival rides. So I’ve never really been a fan.

Just sharing a memory this morning. Enjoy this fair season! There is so much more than carnival rides. ♥️

Andi

God is faithful. 

Over the course of the past couple of years I finally realized this. Over the past several decades if there was any walking away, it was me who turned my back. God, being patient, waited and watched. Jesus was never far from me. 

I have been blessed beyond measure. And when I look back over my years, I don’t see how I deserve to have such goodness in my life now. All I can say is that the depth of my heart must still be sincere and God can see that. 

Never once did he leave me all alone. I see this so clearly now. 

I walked away in anger. I turned my back when I felt wise. I left when life seemed to be going well and “didn’t need him”. I walked away in vanity and pride. 

But, then…I’d fall. 

And this became my unhealthy cycle in life. Leaving and returning. Leaving and returning. A lot of wasted time was spent doing this. But, I was learning and growing, even if it was at a slow pace. So I guess it wasn’t completely wasted time.

For those who love God, know that he is never far from you. If you feel abandoned check closely to see who is doing the walking. As much as we humans want to blame God for everything wrong in our life, it simply isn’t true. ♥️

Andi

Tonight as D and I drove out to the pond to feed the fish, we stopped to look at our wildflowers. This spring we planted wildflowers along a fence row.

D mows a wide strip between the flowers we planted and an area of wildflowers that grew up naturally. Most people would call them weeds but not me. They are important flowers in my book because they feed numerous butterflies and bees.

And then there is my Queen Anne’s Lace. I was shocked tonight at the sight of the field. There are so many of them! It is truly a field of Queen Anne’s Lace. And so beautiful in the setting sun. My wildflower heaven.

It was such a wonderful evening. And the fish loved their dinner. As soon as they hear the golf cart approach they begin to swim toward the dock. The water begins to ripple as the bluegill swiftly make their way across the pond. Then once the food is tossed into the water they attack like piranhas.

D has a beautiful place here and I’m glad he wants to share it with me. I enjoy the wildlife; life in and around the pond. I love the sounds of nature without all the people static. The sunrises and sunsets do not disappoint. And I truly love our wildflower heaven. ♥️

Andi

Kamala Harris could be the first female president by the end of the day. She’s already the first female vice president. Has that made your life …

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE…

I thought this post was a good read so I decided to repost it here. ♥️ Andi

I was speaking with someone precious to me this morning…my youngest son. I tried to give good advice for a most difficult time. Another season of change in his life.

He mentioned the loneliness he’s experiencing and I totally understand loneliness. I’ve been so very lonely many times. But not all loneliness is a bad thing. I know this to be true. Sometimes God knows we need to learn something about ourself. Often he’s quietly working behind the scenes. Through it all, patience must be exercised. Whatever we are experiencing, whatever shape and place we find ourselves in currently, know that it truly is a season in life and seasons always change.

We can’t always hear God and what direction he wants us to go, but we can rest assured that he never stops caring. He never sleeps or takes a vacation. He is ever-present.

So when we have a terrible time with decision making, and knowing God’s exact will, find peace in trying to do right things while trusting in his quietness.

Last year was an amazing year. I saw God working non-stop. He wasn’t quiet. I saw his hands busy working in love and grace in numerous ways. I learned so much about life…and about death. And everything in-between. All of my life’s lessons learned so far came together and finally made sense. Even through the pain of loss. God wasn’t quiet.

But it wasn’t always so. There were many periods of indecision, confusion, and even desperation. And questions of where are you God? The loneliness was very real and very intense. But God was quietly working. He didn’t need my help. And I had much to learn on my own.

As the pieces started coming together, I see now God’s handiwork. God often works through people in our lives. Or, he places people in our lives to teach us things of value. Matt was that someone for me. And even after a year since his passing, I still fall back on the things he taught me about life and love. I believe with all my heart that during God’s silence he placed Matt right where (and when) I needed him to be. At the time, I didn’t realize this was the hand of God at work. And I also believe I was placed in Matt’s life for reasons I will not ever fully understand. He needed something from me at the end of his life. Through it all, God had been working behind the scenes. And in 2023, God became very visible. Not only to me but to everyone who went through the hopes, and then despair, of Matt’s illness and passing.

But as time has progressed, and I could finally put the puzzle pieces together, I began to understand the reasons for all that transpired. And on one October evening last fall, I was presented with a beautiful man. And that beautiful man became my husband.

All that I learned prepared me to be a better woman, companion, and wife. It makes sense to me now.

So more often than not, God may seem silent. But be prepared when he becomes visibly active. Everything will come together and will begin to make sense. It was/is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed. And I still see him working in my life today. Just know that his quietness doesn’t mean he’s walked away. If you love God with all your heart, know that he never stops working on your behalf.

Trust in his quietness. ♥️

Andi

You never know what you say or do that will greatly impress a young child. I recall odd things from my youth and I wonder why I remember such a thing.

Today I spent the day with my precious grandchildren. As we walked around our pond, Belle told me about Sunday school yesterday morning. The teacher asked the class, “What is a dangerous animal?” One child said a blue whale. Another said a dog. And another said a warthog. When Belle was asked what she thought was a dangerous animal she proudly said, “A catfish because it can eat a whole momma duck.”

Oh my…I had to laugh out loud at that one but I quickly told her I was proud of her answer. I didn’t want her to think I was laughing at her because I surely wasn’t. It was a great answer coming from a seven year old.

In case you don’t recall, I posted a couple of months ago about the horror of watching our beloved female wood duck as she was pulled to the bottom of our pond and drowned by a monster catfish. I guess something tragic like that would stand out in a young mind after hearing such a story.

Young children are such purities in this world. Their humor, their questions, their answers, and their rationalizations all come from the deepest places of their heart. Their honesty is innocent. Their eyes are filled with wonderment. It’s wise of us to take the time to listen, watch, and nurture these young ones.

Children are blessings. ♥️

Andi

Today is July 4th and as I reflect on what this day means, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed with love for our country. It is true she is a wreck at the moment, but our history, which cannot be erased, tells the story of our great land. And I am so proud of her.

We weren’t always right in all the decisions made as a country but good people keep pushing forward. No country has ever been corrupt-free, ours included. I still see, though, the resilience of God-based, God-fearing people who want to keep our country safe and strong. A country where family is priority and raising children is a blessing. A country of white picket fences and manicured lawns. A country that celebrates unity even through diversity.

Maybe I am dreaming and blowing wishes to the wind. But I still have hope and I hold fast to the possibility of a better tomorrow. No matter what, God is still in control. And even with that, he may allow us to fall so we will look up to see him.

I love Independence Day, although I’m not so fond of fireworks anymore after working shoot sites for a years.

We worked long, hot hours to prepare for a display and stayed long after the shoot to clean up.

I had ground levels views as being a spotter, and I even hand-lit a finale myself. (I admit…I still love the smell of pyro though 😬.) But I am ever grateful for this holiday which celebrates my country. And I’m glad that I am here.

Have a fun (safe) day with family and friends.

Happy Independence Day! ♥️

Andi

I officially retired as of June 27th. That is a great reason to celebrate. It’s both exciting and scary for me. I been in survival mode for so many years and that switch is difficult to turn off.

D said he wants me to focus on my health and writing. He helped me to make this big decision. I can’t begin to tell you how amazing he is. We have become each other’s world and there are no words. It’s simply beautiful.

So this week my focus is on cleaning my house and doing minor repairs so we can sell it. It is strange walking in here. The first thing I did today was call out Mattea’s name like always, but, of course, she didn’t answer. My heart swelled and then sank like a rock. Tears filled my eyes. Life has changed so fast.

But as I was deep cleaning the kitchen, I was thankful this is my last time to clean it. I got to thinking about all that transpired here over the years. Compared to life now, I realize that there was a lot of sadness, pain, and depression here. Even so, it was a safe haven for my kids, although it wasn’t actually the house that soothed them or even me. It was being with each other and this is just where we happened to be. We will always have that closeness even outside of these four walls. So I’m fine with leaving this house and the stresses that went with it. The good memories, and my kids, go with me wherever I go.

I’m taking a break from cleaning and trying to cool off a bit on my front porch swing, which is actually a glider. The robin parents have a nest in the lilac bush next to the porch and they are screaming at me to leave this porch. Not quite yet, Mr. & Mrs. Robin.

This will probably be my last post from this porch. I’m taking the swing with me as long as I repaint it. D has this thing about the color red, so I will paint it grey or maybe a groovy hot pink. (I know he will be reading this so I’m sure he just laughed while shaking his head no.)

As long as I can take the swing with me I am good. It’s like an old friend. It’s glided me through laughter and tears, and everything in-between. I’ve written a boatload of posts from here. Now I’ll just have a different, but beautiful view. I look forward to writing new posts from its new location.

For me to make this transition easier from my home to his, some things need to remain familiar. Like my red porch swing, my Italian decor, and yes, even my silverware. Yeah, I need my silverware. 😊

Goodbye porch. You’ve been good to me. I will miss you most of all. ♥️

Andi

Quite awhile back, in February of 2021, I wrote about a special scarf that was given to me in a grocery store parking lot many years prior to that post. It was a beautiful moment shared with a beautiful soul. (I’ve attached the link to that post.)

A couple of nights ago, D and I were talking about different things that happened to us in our community over the years. I talked about a photographer who saw me and four of my kids in the checkout lane of a grocery store that is no longer here. This photographer was amazed by the color of our eyes. The kids eyes were bright and slightly different from one another. He was captivated and wanted to photograph us. He gave me his card but I never called him back. This incident led D and me to discuss another photographer in town. He said he took a painting class in the photographer’s studio. D is an artist and painted a lot many years ago. Our home looks like an art gallery.

My favorite painting of his is this one of a cabin. Any of you who know me well, know that living in a cabin has been a long-time dream of mine.

Anyway…he said that he painted the cabin picture in that studio and that the instructor was a woman named Julie B.

I repeated, “Julie B?!”

I explained that a Julie B. is the woman who gave me my colorful scarf all those years ago. I said I had heard she passed away a few years ago. So I found her obituary and she did pass in 2019. He looked at her picture and said that she was definitely his instructor. The obituary noted that she had been a local artist.

He said, “Look at these branches in my painting. She actually painted this one.”

Oh, how sweet this was to discover this connection by such a sweet woman. Paths cross all the time. It’s pretty cool when you discover just how they do.

My scarf and this painting mean all the more to me now. And I hope that when I’m no longer here that others will see me as I see Julie B. She was a beautiful soul and years later people still talk about the kindness she showed to others. I only wish I could talk to her today to let her know just how special she was.

As I wrote in yesterday’s post, life is a mist that comes and goes very quickly. Leaving a legacy of compassion and kindness should be our ultimate goal. This is one way we can serve God.

Thank you, Julie B. ♥️

Andi

The Scarf

When the Bible speaks of life as a vapor, or a mist, the writer, James, was not mistaken.

In the blink of an eye, here we are…one.year.later.

James 14:4 ESV

…yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

The month of June will always feel different because of all that transpired in June of 2023. Much of which was packed into a single week.

June 2023: a reflection.

Friday, June 23rd

1) Matt was disconnected from his life-saving impala. The impala was placed as a temporary fix until Matt was able to receive an LVAD. It was not to be though because of a significant brain bleed and, sadly, the impala had run past its course.

2) My daughter-in-law’s father fell from a cliff while attempting to repel himself down. The distance of the fall was approximately 50-60 feet. This turned into a search and rescue to save him. Today he is alive but wheelchair bound.

Saturday, June 24th

Matt passed away at 8:37 am. 💔

Sunday, June 25th

The same daughter-in-law received a message from my son that he was in a hospital somewhere in Paris, deathly ill with malaria, but he didn’t know where he was. We spent that day trying to locate him on the other side of the world. We even called the U.S. Embassy. We did finally locate him and he was in serious shape. His kidneys shut down. Other organs tried to follow suit. He praises the Paris hospital for saving his life, and today he is with us. Not without some lingering issues, but he is happy and healthy.

Friday, June 30

My brother was diagnosed with leukemia.

Saturday, July 1st

Matt’s Celebration of Life

Three days later, July 4th

My son-in-law was taken to the ER. He was having a hard time catching his breath. His heart was pounding and his chest hurt. It was later determined to be a reaction to medication he had been recently prescribed.

When I reflect upon each of these, I can feel every bit of emotion as if they were happening today. One year later. Three hundred sixty-six sleeps. How did the year go so fast?

These were life-changing events. Pain, anxiety, questions, and sadness continue to fill the hearts of many, yet blessings abound. Jesus was, and still is, ever-present.

We don’t always under the whys and how comes, which often makes it tough for us humans, but we can trust that God is in control of each situation.

Our lives are truly vapors.

A year has come and gone but the lessons, gifts, the people we love, the memories, and blessings continue on. ♥️

Andi

“The heart is the map that shows us where we’re going. The face is the map that shows us where we’ve been.”

This is a slightly edited version of a quote by Julia Roberts in the movie “Wonder”.

Last Saturday night I babysat my grandkids. Belle, who is seven years old, asked if I’d like to watch a family movie and, of course, I said yes. She chose this particular movie even though she has seen it before. I must say it was very good. It was quite moving as it not only focused on the struggles of one little boy, but also on a couple of other people who were going through tough times of their own. This movie also highlighted the trauma related to bullying. Something I personally experienced in my own life as a young child, as a teenager, and even as an adult.

At one point, Belle looked up at me. “Are you crying, Grandma?”

“Yes, I am, Belle. You chose a good movie.”

I thought about that particular quote off and on throughout the night and for the next couple of days. How very true it is.

Our hearts lead us to places we want to go. Maybe it’s not physical places we want to explore but perhaps it’s more about the person we want to be. You know, the inner you. And hopefully, our heart is Christ centered.

Our faces display the map that brought us to who we are today. Our wrinkles, creases, and lines show the roads of happiness, sadness, and pain. Some faces look weathered and worn due to poor choices made throughout life. Other faces hide lines well and are a bit harder to read. Regardless, our faces can tell our stories.

I have a tendency to clench my jaw tight. Sometimes so tightly that my teeth hurt. But I think you can clearly read my facial map.

Life has been difficult for me yet I’ve tried hard to rise above it. Maybe that’s why some people say I look younger than I am. But if you take a closer look you will see a map that has covered a variety of terrain. Much of which wasn’t easy to travel through.

I love this quote. But it’s best not look solely at the face to make initial judgments about anyone. (And yes, we all make judgements.) Let’s make sure we look at the heart too to better understand the place this person is headed, and/or wants to be. Maybe they will need help along their way.

I think this concept will help me to be a more compassionate person. ♥️

Andi

I received texts from my youngest daughter, Mattea, earlier this week. She is the one who just moved out on Monday.

I was questioning whether I prepared her well enough for life without me. These texts have helped me to put things in perspective. Here’s what she wrote:

I am my own person. I’m making my own path. You’ve made me a God-fearing strong, independent, young woman. Nothing to feel guilty about. You did your teaching when I was young. I am older and now it’s up to me to decide my future, my fate, and my path. You did your teaching. Not saying that I still can’t learn things from you, but I am old enough to decide where I want to go and who I want to be.

It’s just gonna be hard mom, specially with us and our history. But we both know it’s time for us to go our separate ways. We are still together. We’re still what we’ve gone through.

You did all your teaching and your kids are grown now. It’s hard, but you have to sit back and watch us make our own decisions, fall down and get back up. It’s all part of life. I’m sure there were many times when your mom wanted to pick you up, hold you, and carry you everywhere and protect you…but she knew she couldn’t.

Again, sometimes we can learn so much from our children. I find comfort in hearing how rational she is. I’m just a mom who is not ready to quite admit her babies are grown. That does make me somewhat irrational. Maybe I need to have more faith in the job I did in raising them. I always felt I failed them, but everyday they prove me wrong.

My life is full. Not empty like I was feeling earlier this week. My kids are such blessings. And now, my world has opened up even further with D’s beautiful family. It’s wonderful getting to know these good people.

Yes, I am truly blessed. There’s nothing to be sad about today, especially since my new chapter, my new adventure, begins…right…now. ♥️

Andi

Tonight is my last night in my home. Granted, I’ll still be in and out of the house for a while as I have things to move out, sell, and of course, make minor repairs to, and clean. Then it will go on the market.

There is a big event around the square tonight with three music bands, food, drinks, and even a block party on one end of the square. As much as I would enjoy the festivities, I’m going to stay home one last night. The reason being…I need to feel every bit of this transition. If I don’t allow myself to feel, I won’t heal. It’s also about coming to terms with change, embracing the memories as treasures, and letting go of things I have zero control over.

Honestly, I am excitedly looking forward to a beautiful future…which begins tomorrow. I just need to take care of the past tonight.

Feel to heal. ♥️

Andi

As I sit on my porch swing on this chilly morning before work, my mind races to recapture everything that transpired here. I have two more nights before I move away. My porch swing has been one of my absolute favorite spots on this property. Many posts were written on this old glider. Lots of conversation took place on my front porch. Grandkids played here. Coffee and wine were the beverages of choice. And this is where I watched Mrs. Woodpecker chase Mr. Woodpecker as he tried to run up the tree to get away from her constant nagging.

There are so many memories in this house. It has been a decade of struggles and self-discovery and growth. It was eleven years of watching children rise and fall with life’s challenges. It was a time of abundant laughter but not without moments of tears, frustration, and even anger.

Babies were born into our family while dearest loved ones passed away.

Seasons came and seasons went. Crops alternated between corn and soybeans. We enjoyed magnificent sunrises and dreamy sunsets.

Andy Griffith, Gilmore Girls, Chuck, and The British Baking Show were a few of our favorite shows that we girls watched together in this house. Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter were the best family movies.

Let’s not forget the holidays with all the food and fun. Holiday baking days too. The sweet aroma of our traditional gingersnap cookies. Kitchen dancing with my girls. And games played.

So many memories in my home…

Dice with Grandpa. Chilly bonfire nights. The People’s Pathway which we experienced in every season. The dogs we loved that are no longer here.

My children and I became even closer in heart during these years too.

Yep, lots happened here. And while I do not have a serious attachment to this house per se, I do have an attachment to everything this house held, provided, and protected. So much love packed into these four walls. And I miss all of it.

Sigh…

But pictures remind of each moment shared and my kids take a boatload of pictures at every gathering. No matter where life pulls each of us, distance cannot dissolve what we have in each other. It doesn’t erase the memories, or the moments.

I love my kids for helping me to grasp this new chapter of my life. They’ve reassured me that I’m not moving away from them but moving toward something wonderful, something beautiful.

They will always be a part of me whether we live in the same house or not. And together we will continue to make even more memories. Sometimes (often) our kids can teach us parents a thing or two about life. We just need to listen to them.

I am blessed. ♥️

Andi

Original post: April 30, 2021

Today was quite breezy. In fact, it’s been windy for the past several days. I love the sea breeze in my hair, but here at home, the wind blows my hair in my face when I’m trying to work outside so I have to pull it back. While I was burning the pile of branches and sticks, the wind blew the smoke in my face no matter where I moved. The wind can be frustrating.

The wind may seem useless sometimes and more of a nuisance than anything. But the wind is pretty important. What would a sailboat be without the wind? It would have no use for sails. What about the energy lost in a turbine field without wind?

Yesterday, I read something on Instagram about trees. Scientists once grew trees in a sealed biosphere. They couldn’t figure out why they were unable to stand up. Finally, they realized that wind is what’s needed. Wind puts a great stress upon trees; therefore, the trees must grow stronger in order to stand on their own.

This made me think of our daily trials and stresses. I know firsthand that my hardships have caused me to grow stronger. I believe that through hardships God can use us more fully. Maybe a better example is that of the Potter and the clay. God molds us by allowing the stresses of His hands to shape us. Without the stress we’d remain a cold lump of clay.

Stress gives trees the strength needed to be able to stand; to give us shade, oxygen, and home for many of God’s creation. And stress shapes us into something beautiful.

Stress. It’s not always welcome. Well, rarely ever. But we actually need it. Stress is a reality of life. Find strength in it and become as strong as the trees. Allow God to guide you through it all and shape you according to His will. ♥️

Andi

Photos: atop Sargent Mountain, Acadia National Park, October 2019; a ship in Maine, 2017; an angry sky over a turbine field, 2017; a windy day in Florida with my sister, April 2, 2021

A rough night, but an even rougher morning. While my coffee was brewing I wandered in my daughter’s bedroom. It’s so freakishly quiet. And clean.

I sit on the side of her bed and open her blinds. She used to sprinkle birdseed on her windowsill. That way she had up-close views of her bird friends. Frodo, her cat, loved to watch them as well. And her window box outside would hold pink and lavender impatiens throughout the summer. Princess colors, you know.

Behind me is her huge cedar chest. At Christmastime, she’d set her Christmas tree on it. Her whole room would be decorated. She could hardly wait to take people into her room to show them her display. She is quite festive. And I love that about her.

She lived all of her teenage years in this room. We moved here when she was eleven. She’s 22 now with grown-up dreams of her own.

Did I teach her well enough? I couldn’t be the stay-at-home mom as with the other children, so I miss the quality time not spent with her. Does she have the skills needed to make it in this tough world? Did I show her how to find answers for questions she doesn’t know? Did she leave our home with more good memories than bad? Most importantly, did I teach her well enough about the love of God and the sacrifice of his son, Jesus?

These are the same questions I have asked myself with each of my six children when they left home.

I know I need to let her go. She is so happy. And I’m really happy for her. I know there will be tough times ahead. That’s the reality of life in this world. But she’s young and excited and so optimistic. Not to mention how strong she is. She will be okay. I’m only finding it difficult because my life is changed drastically as well. This huge chapter of my life has ended.

I want my kids to know that I love them as far as the east is from the west. I hope that is sufficient. ♥️

Andi

The shadows are long as it’s 8:30 pm. But the night will be even longer as the shadows will soon blend with the night sky. I’m glad I don’t work tomorrow.

I have six children ranging in ages from 41-22. One by one each left my home. They left my care, my shelter, my arms, my nightly “sweet dreams”. Tonight is my last first night.

Often time seemed slow. I would think ahead to a day when each of my kids would leave home. Even though I thought of it, I’m not so sure I believed they would actually leave. Don’t get me wrong. I wanted my kids to succeed just as any other parent out there. I just didn’t believe that day would ever come…

It’s hard to fathom I’m 63 and my mommy days are over. I’ve been a mom since I was 21. Those were the best years of my life even though I didn’t recognize it at the time. I’m not sure what I was wishing for back then that didn’t allow me to fully treasure each and every moment. What a fool I was.

My baby just pulled out of the driveway. She won’t be sleeping in this house again. For 22 years she was my shadow. Always there trying to make my bad days good and my good days even better. Flowers on my pillow when I came home from work. A decorated house for my every birthday. A song and a dance to cheer me up. Hugs that warmed me. A foot rub after a long, hard day. Always a comforter to me.

I miss the girl who wore her swimtoot in the winter and would swim across the dining room floor. I miss her tiny hands in the dirt, along mine, as we planted flowers. I miss her attachment to her pillow named “Holey”. Even her blanket was special with a hole of its own.

I miss homeschool assignments even when I was frustrated. I miss our spur-of-moment drives that took us anywhere away from here. I even miss her scaring me with that stupid rubber mouse.

Her closet is empty. The walls that were once covered in anything and everything that she loved are now bare. The house is silent. This night will be long. This first night…

Each child has given me wonderful memories that weighed heavily on my heart during their first night away. I’m grateful even though it hurts terribly.

I am excited for her future just as I was with the other five who blazed their own trails before her. I remember my own excitement when I left home at 19. But now I understand what my mom felt on that first night without me under her roof. We certainly didn’t feel the same.

I’m not so good with change. I’m not so good with letting go.

I wish I had my momma tonight so I could talk to her about first nights. I know she’d understand. ♥️

Andi

I truly cannot believe that this is June. How is it even possible? My life seems to be traveling in fast forward. Have you ever felt like this?

I sit here in unbelief, as I reflect on the multitude of changes that have taken place in just one year. It’s simply hard for me to comprehend.

I think of the heartache, the joy, the anxiety, the pain and the healing, the sweet memories, the anticipation, the questions, the answers…and finding peace with questions that remain unanswered. I reflect on God and how wonderful he is to bring everything altogether. Always in his timing.

I never want to forget any of it. The good nor the bad.

I’m sure I’ll write more throughout this month because my heart is a whirlwind of emotion. This inspires me to write…and keeps me from forgetting. Most of it encompasses the hanging-onto and letting-go aspects of life, and welcoming the new changes.

Have a blessed day. ♥️

Andi

Photo: birthday roses from my daughter, Mattea

I’m finally relaxing in my bedroom recliner. It is time to write. My window is open. It was a cooler day. I have a sweater on and I am very cozy. I love the summer sun but I’m still a sweater girl at heart. I slept with the window open last night and I will again tonight. And, of course, my ceiling fan will still be set on high. The sun has set and the birds have sung their lullabies for the night. I love nights like these.

Today was a melancholy day. It began with my phone conversation with my brother last night. He and my sister live 700 miles from me. I haven’t seen them for two years. He has health issues. Leukemia, for one. Instead of cutting up and cracking one joke after another, he was very much grounded. He spoke from his heart. My desire to see him and my sister was certainly intensified. We need to make it happen.

So our conversation set the stage for this day. I had to drive a ways to another town for new tires. This town is where I have many memories with my children as we had fun at the mall. So after my shiny new tires were put on my car, I decided to go to the mall. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, but yet I was looking for everything. Everything being my children.

I found them in Dick’s sporting goods store, which by the way, hasn’t changed a bit in the last twenty years.

I definitely found my kids wandering around Barnes and Noble bookstore. My children would agree that there’s no better smell-combination than that of books and coffee. My kids love this store. Every section brought back intense memories that stirred my heart. This is when the first bit of anxiety knocked on my door…and I let him in.

In JC Penney’s, anxiety covered me like a wave, right there in the jewelry/ luggage aisle. I reminded myself to concentrate on my breath so the rapid beats of my heart would hopefully calm down, which they finally did. My head was light and dizzy. My legs, weak. My eyes were leaking. I miss my kids…

I went to Old Navy and DSW shoes. I thought about walking to Rocket Fizz to see all the cool, old-fashioned, and almost forgotten, candy but decided to head toward home. On my way out of town though I stopped at an antique mall. My favorite store. Lots of memories there too and I caught myself making audible sighs as I walked down memory lane. Focusing on the antiques all around me helped me to ward off the anxiety to some degree.

So how did I spend my day? I spent the day with my kids.

Yes, it was a melancholy day. But I remembered my kids vividly. I remember the questions they’d ask me. I remember them getting tired of waiting on me at Penneys. I remember the books and treats I’d buy for them at our favorite stores.

My time with the kids was so short. They grew up fast but left even faster. At the time, while living it, I wondered when, or if, they would ever grow up. But you know what? They did. And now I miss those days.

Young parents, treasure all the moments with your children. Well, most of the moments anyway. Don’t wish for them to grow up. Before you know it, they will be gone and on their own. In.a.heartbeat. And those days were truly the best days of my life.

Don’t be sad for me. Reality is we can only move forward in time. I embrace the memories though even if they do make me sad. I’d rather have memories than nothing. What a gift children are.

I am moving on to a new chapter of my life. And so are they. All of them now. Maybe this is what intensified the feelings I have. We will continue to make good memories though, just as we should. Life is not over. Chapters have been completed but more chapters are being written. As much as I long for the past, the new chapter with D and my kids and grandchildren looks pretty good from here. Even through my leaking eyes. ♥️

Andi

Yesterday was my official last day as clerk treasurer of my little town. As humorous as this may sound, I have been trying to resign from that position practically since the day I was appointed. And that was in December 2022. It was a tough job and I kept clicking my heels to take me somewhere else. I initially submitted my resignation in November. My last day was extended a couple of times. But yesterday it was officially official.

There are three board members, each with very distinct personalities. And, for the most part, we got along very well. They were definitely all very supportive of me because they knew the difficulties that came with the job. They helped me to find my way, but as watchful as they were, they couldn’t protect me from everything that went wrong.

I also worked along side a woman who was contracted by the town to get the office back in shape after several clerks came and went rather quickly. We worked together really well and we cleaned things up quite a bit. She is the total opposite of me but we got along very well. She was well ahead of most of the problems that the town was confronted with and guided the board members and myself through some tough decisions. She was watchful like Glenda, the Good Witch.

There were many pros to working as clerk treasurer. The office was less than a mile from my home. I made my own hours. I often had the office to myself and could listen to my music while I worked.

The cons to this job were many. My lack of understanding the numerous complicated processes didn’t help. The government continually requires much information be uploaded to their various sites. This on top of customers being furious with you for turning their water off for nonpayment. This small town is probably not much different from other towns with the insane meth problem, theft, fires, unruly neighbors, junk filled yards, etc., but here the ratio of good to bad seems to be off kilter. You know…the meter is leaning more toward the unpleasantries of living among people who simply don’t care.

Friendships were built during this past year and a half. Tears from a board member cut to my heart when I told him I was resigning. This man is a combination of both the Lion and the Tin Man.

And then there was the president of the board who visited most every day I was in the office. He always checked in to make sure I was doing okay. He wanted to stay on top of town issues that seemed to pop up daily as well. He would be my Scarecrow.

There are others in the community who are important to me as well. I wish I could have been more help in solving the problems that plague this little town. The issues have matured over the last couple of decades, so realistically they won’t be fixed in a day, a month, or even a year. But it was nice to know that many did not want me to leave. Even with all my inadequacies, I was asked to stay numerous times by several people. That was quite humbling.

So even though it was in my own best interest to leave, it was a definitely a bittersweet goodbye.

I’ve struggled for years with finding my niche. I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I am always in one strange land or another. The blessings, though, were in the friendships I gained along the way.

Another chapter is now closed in my book of life. But now after a final click of my heels, I’m penning a bright new chapter with D as we travel to a beautiful land filled with vibrant colors, fragrant flowers, and all sorts of wildlife. But most importantly love is found there. It is a place I can call home.

🌈♥️

Andi

Original post: March 29, 2021, the day our dad was removed from life support. Edited.

I’ve been thinking of my sister a lot lately. My parents, my brother, and my sister moved 700 miles away from me in 1982. My father worked for IBM and was transferred…again. I was married then and expecting my first baby when the transfer came up. So I’ve not lived near my family for most of my life.

She and I were both born in May, not quite a year apart. So for twelve days we are the same age. Currently, we are both 62 until I turn 63 next week.

I’ve been listening to the Eagles for the last couple of days. The music takes me back to a place long ago when we were but carefree teenagers simply loving life. Where has the time gone?

March 28th. Our first night together has lasted about two days, so it seems. My sister made it to our hotel about 7:00 pm. It took her eleven hours to get here by car. My flight was a little late but I had arrived about 3:30. Once in my room, I cried hard for about two hours, and then fell asleep.

My sister had a picture of Dad on the dashboard of her car. She talked to, laughed at, and yelled at him for eleven hours, just as if he was in the car with her. He kept her from crying as she drove. And he got her here safely to me.

Our night was spent in conversation of various topics. Mostly about our family. Funny things our kids have said and done, and the trials she had in the final two years of Mom’s life. Dementia is cruel. There’s no other way to describe it. We laughed and we cried.

We sat in the room. We sat by the pool. And we went back to the room. Wow, it didn’t take long for the humidity to work it’s magic on my hair. (Thanks, Dad. ♥️)

We turned on TCM since my brother isn’t here. I’d start to fall asleep so we’d turn it off. As soon as it was turned off, I was wide awake again. We’d turn TV back on and talk, and I’d start to fall asleep. When it was off my mind kicked in. It wasn’t about to let me sleep.

March 29th. Finally, at 2:00 am, after several turn-offs and back-ons, she asked me, “Do you know what bananas are good for?” Well, I know they are good for many reasons but I figured she must have something new to share.

“What?”

“Bananas are supposed to help you sleep. Want one?”

“Yes, I do.”

So she and I ate bananas at 2 am, and I believe it was the best banana I’ve ever had. Did it help me sleep? Not really. Not tonight anyway. But it was the best ever. Just another special moment shared between two exhausted sisters.

Time is moving slowly. In the darkness, periodically, I hear her sob into her pillow. She tries to stifle it so as not to wake me. But I’m already wide awake. I don’t let her know though as she needs her own moments to feel everything just as I had mine earlier. We meet with hospice at 10:30 this morning. That’s what is weighing so heavily upon us tonight. This night is never ending. But the alternative is for time to go by quickly, and frankly, neither of us is ready for that. 💔

Andi

All through history from the creation through present time man has battled between right and wrong, good and evil. Many strive to be righteous according to God’s will. Some try to walk the line between God’s will and their own. And then there are some who blatantly defy God. Sadly, there is an ever-growing people who love darkness over light and choose to worship the evil in this world.

So who is the enemy of God?

Our identity begins in our heart. At least that’s the way I see it.

Scripture says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7

What do you think in your heart?

Ask anyone who knows me. My head is swimming with thoughts…continually. D often watches me with curiosity. I’m all over the place and there’s nothing he can do about it but smile. If my body got as much exercise as my mind, I’d be the greatest athlete this world has ever seen.

But, truthfully, I know my thoughts can be very selfish at times. Sometimes unforgiving. Greedy. And often void of God. It takes great discipline to keep him first and foremost in my thoughts. You wouldn’t think it would be so difficult when you love him. But it is and I’m trying to do better.

Am I an enemy of God? There was a time in my life when I was angry with him. And I got comfortable with that anger. Do you know why? Because if I remained angry with him I had an excuse to not have to do anything. That’s what it became. An excuse. As time went on, I wasn’t even truly angry anymore. I just used anger as an excuse to get out of doing anything. You know like praying, worshipping, studying, giving, loving. Those all took away from my time. Was I an enemy of God then? Yes, I believe I would have been lost had I died in that state. I was fully aware of what I was doing. And that’s a scary thought.

I believe if our walk in life is solely for our own benefit and our own glory we are an enemy of God. When we worship ourself instead of God, yes. The created over the Creator, Romans 1:25.

Jesus says if you aren’t with me, you are against me.

Matthew 12:30: Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.

Luke 11:23: Anyone who is not for me is against me; if he isn’t helping me, he is hurting my cause.

I believe that is a good indication of an enemy of God. If you are hindering his will you are not a friend but a foe.

Do we have to be as extreme as a worshipper of Satan in order to be an enemy of God? I don’t believe so. All you have to do is nothing. Satan loves this quiet place because he doesn’t have to do much but enjoy the show. That’s why we need to check ourself continuously to make sure we are on the same page as God.

Our desire should be to grow in the knowledge of God, and to seek his righteousness in everything until the day we die.

I started this post many weeks ago but I cannot recall what inspired this particular topic. I thought I’d finish it and post it anyway.

♥️

Andi

Photos: my white lilac, 2016

During the 2020 lockdowns, two of my daughters and I spent a lot of time outside on our deck. I remember those first two weeks were very quiet in our neighborhood. No one was driving anywhere. It was a strange time for sure and the quietness reminded me of the three days after the bombing of the Twin Towers when the sky was traveled only by birds and bugs and clouds because all aircraft was grounded.

But the first two weeks of lockdown (before things began to not make rational sense) were really good for me. That’s when I did a lot more sky-gazing. I fell in love with the wind, and with every beautiful change in the sky, I dreamed a little deeper.

This year’s sky has been exciting with the eclipse in April, brilliant full moons, and last night with the Aurora. This Aurora was very unique in that it could be visible as far south as Alabama, depending on weather conditions. I was talking to my coworker about it early in the day but then forgot about it until my daughter-in-law texted me a little after 11:00 last night. She excitedly sent me these two pictures taken by my son, Jet.

What is even more unique is that you can barely see this with the naked eye but your camera sees it all. Jet noticed the sky looked a little different from his bedroom window. He had forgotten about the Aurora as well until then. So he started taking pictures. His camera picked up what his eyes could not. After seeing his pictures, I got dressed and went outside.

My sky was dark. I took pictures anyway and tried to look at them while outside. Nothing. I couldn’t see anything but darkness. Nothing extraordinary like Jet’s. When I went back to bed, I looked again at the pictures I took…and, wow…absolutely amazing.

I must have caught the tail end of the Aurora. Although, not as vibrant as Jet’s, the sky was still very beautiful. I went out again a few minutes later and took this last picture. It is the same view as the first picture I took above.

I’m not sure but I think we might be able to see it again tonight if I understood correctly. I will try earlier and maybe drive to an open field to a larger sky.

The sky amazes me with all its complexities and beauty. God was so gracious to give us such wonderful gifts in nature, not only for pleasure but for pure, unadulterated entertainment. In a world that’s not always so kind, every piece of his creation becomes more valued and treasured to me. Like the ever-changing sky, the complexity of pond life, the variety of birds with their unique songs of love, and the beautiful animal life found in and around the thick of a woods.

Simply put, God is so good to us. Sometimes we just don’t appreciate him enough.

♥️

Andi

Ponds can be breathtakingly beautiful. They attract all kinds of wildlife in and around its perimeter. D has one such pond. The wildlife he sees on a daily basis is really quite remarkable.

This past weekend we saw three deer, a momma white skunk, a ground hog, three goofy young male turkeys who I refer to as the boys, a pair of Canadian geese, and our absolute favorite, Mr. and Mrs. Wood Duck. We were beyond ecstatic that wood ducks decided to make their home around his pond. D had never seen a wood duck before.

The pond is also surrounded by birds, birds, and more birds. Two of D’s favorite birds are the Eastern bluebirds and tree swallows. Tree swallows are very fast as they flit over the top of the water, diving with great speed to snatch a bug. It is fascinating how they do this over and over throughout the day.

The other day D was watching the beauty in his backyard. From his patio, you can watch animals along the tree line that venture up into the yard and the activity of the pond. But, nature isn’t always so pretty or kind. Sadly, that day, a Peregrine Falcon made a dive into this safe haven and grabbed a precious tree swallow. Such is the circle of life. There really is no such thing as a safe haven in the wild.

The pond is home to many fish as well. Blue gill, bass, crappie, grass carp, and to our dismay, some very large catfish. The catfish were here before D bought this place three years ago. The catfish have become problematic because of their size and their very large mouths. They need to be out of the pond.

Last evening, D and I decided to take the golf cart to the pond. We were going to see if we could catch those catfish. We are hoping that the wood ducks will have little ones but they would be easy prey for those big-mouthed bad boys.

It was very much dusk when we drove near the dock. I noticed that we startled the female wood duck who had been sitting undetected along the water’s edge. She wanted to move away from us so she got into the water and swam under the dock to the other side and then continued out into deeper water.

We watched her swim with pure adoration. Female wood ducks are very beautiful. But in the dim light I could easily mistake her for a mallard duck. She swam away but kept watchful eye on us as we gazed back at her.

And then, in an instant….she was gone. Faster than a blink of an eye. No splashing. No noise. No nothing. A catfish had pulled her under and our beloved wood duck was gone. It was as though she never existed. Our hearts broke. My heart hurt for her mate and the eggs that might be waiting for her warmth. She was more afraid of us than the instinct that warned her of danger that lurks beneath the water at dusk. It was the saddest moment ever.

We got back in the golf cart and drove back to the house.

It’s hard to understand sometimes this truly unpleasant side of life. But it’s what maintains life. And life has to be balanced. But now more than ever, we want those catfish out of the pond. They are going to throw life out of balance in and around this beautiful pond.

I’m trying hard not to think about the wood duck family that won’t be and for the male who is now alone. It’s so sad to me.

So for now we will watch for all the other new springtime babies that will soon infiltrate life around the pond. We will find great joy in that. ♥️

Andi

Yesterday evening was a little scary. In the town where I was working, the weather turned ugly very quickly although we had been keeping up on the predicted bad weather forecast throughout the day. The tornado sirens went off at least two times. I heard twice. The rain was extremely heavy.

The guys I work with went outside and watched the skies. A couple of them came back in and said we need to find shelter. So my coworker, R, and I ran to an internal room in the back of the huge building. I don’t know what you call this type of building. It is very large and the inside is pretty much one massive room that is a showroom of furniture and appliances. These are the types of buildings you see on the news where tornadoes and high winds peel the roof off seemingly quite easy. You know like those cans of tuna or seafood you opened with a key. So we ran to the back and sat in a work/ storage room.

When the siren went off again, the men started talking about us getting to a coworker’s home because he has a basement. My after-thought now is we should have stayed right where we were.

Several guys took off in a car. R said she was going to drive her Jeep so J hopped in with her because he knew how to get to the coworker’s house. They were yelling for me to go with them. So I ran to the Jeep. The rain was so heavy and I was drenched by the time I got to the Jeep. I opened the back door and oh.my.gosh….could that backseat have been any higher up? This seat was in the nose bleed section. How I am supposed to hoist myself up?!

I’m being poured on. I’m slippery. The Jeep is slippery. I cannot lift my leg up to put my foot on the teeny tiny ledge!

My denim capris were already tight but now they were tighter and heavier from being drenched with rain water. I could not lift my carcass up. I’m throwing my upper body into the Jeep but my lower half would not follow. I’d slide right back out.

R and J are still yelling for me to get in. After I slid out again, I said that I was just going to stay at the store. They were yelling, “No, get in! Let’s go!” Half my body was sorta in and I’m yelling. “Go! Go!” Of course, she couldn’t drive across town with the door open and my arse and legs hanging out.

J is trying to grab me and pull me in from his front passenger seat. I do not know how but I managed to pull myself in. I think J had a grip on me and pulled too. Then we sped off.

I couldn’t get buckled in until halfway there. We were barreling through high water, heavy rain, and hail. We did a bit of hydroplaning as well. All I could think about was dying from a rollover and not the tornado.

We finally made it to the house. Those two blew out of the Jeep with no problem and ran the distance to the house. I tried to gracefully slide out of the jeep but that slide turned my wet capris into a thong.

I ran through the heavy rain and deep puddles to get to the house. Then there we stood dripping wet on the kitchen floor before going on down into the basement.

Then I started freezing. And then we all started laughing about me trying to get into the jeep. I laughed and said I’m walking back. I’m glad I found it humorous too.

When we had to get back into the Jeep to head back to the store, J got down on the ground with one knee up. He made a step for me. I apologized if I hurt his knee and he said, “Don’t worry, I lift refrigerators all the time.” Gee, thanks J! We laughed again at the comparison.

This morning as I move around, I notice that all the muscles in my back ache. I have bruises on my shins, a sore wrist, bruised knees, and an achy left shoulder. And, most painfully, a bruised ego. I have never felt so weak in my life. I was always a picture of strength. Just 10.5 short years ago, I ran the Warrior Dash and was in excellent condition. I scaled walls and ran through, over, and under numerous obstacles while passing young men in their 20’s along the way. So this was rather disheartening.

I guess I see a new challenge ahead for me. Regaining strength. I don’t ever want to feel that I might be left behind again.

Yesterday, I made a memory with my new coworkers. We can laugh now but at the time it was a little scary. I’m glad it all worked out well and the town’s people didn’t suffer like so many in the states south and west of us.

While I added humor to yesterday’s experience always be safe and be smart during weather warnings. Tornadoes are nothing to mess with. ♥️

Andi

When we were kids living on North Bonnie Brook Lane, in Waukegan, Illinois, my siblings and I and a couple of our neighborhood friends would get excited for May Day. We had learned about this fun May Day tradition in grade school.

We would cut up strips of paper and weave tiny baskets. Sometimes we used crayons to color the strips of paper first before weaving because we didn’t have colored construction paper. We weren’t the best at weaving but we sure had fun.

Then we headed out into the open fields around our house in search of wild flowers to fill our little lopsided baskets.

Once we filled the baskets with yellows and purples, pinks and white, we set out on our mission. We had to work fast before our flowers wilted too badly.

As we walked down our road, we’d take turns running up to a house and setting a single basket on the porch. We’d ring the doorbell, yell Happy May Day! and run back to the group who was already fast ahead of us running down the road. We didn’t want to be seen. We wanted the neighbor to see only the gift of a flowery May basket left for them, and not us. We were just kids being kids back in a day when our world was much less scary.

May Day is a celebration of springtime. New life. New beginnings. As an adult now I see it as a welcomed renewal.

I hope this May Day brings new hope and vision to your life. My three girls have always loved the month of May. It is a beautiful time of the year. ♥️

Andi

Sometimes when you start feeling sorry for yourself (me) for missing life with your kids, it is humbling to hear about their experiences in life, especially with children of their own. I was greatly humbled this morning. Even though I miss my little ones, I do not want to keep my kids from experiencing life as an adult/parent. It is quite magical at times.

I received a text from my son, Jet, this morning. He and his wife, Dani, have a daughter, Juneau, who is a mere two years old.

Jet’s text:

Finally had a warm night to take June back in the woods behind our house where all the frogs are singing. We went back there at about 8 o’clock and stayed for an hour, and she was able to see some spring peepers with their throats inflated and singing very loudly.

I also found a medium-size snapping turtle that I was able to show her. When we got back at about 9:30 we had a little snack before bed and we were sitting out on the screen porch enjoying our snacks in complete darkness when June said, “best day.”

Never heard her say that before and we have no idea where she heard it, but it was quite a tearjerking moment.

Out of the mouths of babes. There’s nothing more precious.

I hope you have many “best days” in your life. ♥️

Andi

My Charlie just texted me that she is boarding the plane now that will take her home. I cried when I dropped her off at the departure gate. And I am crying now.

A mother’s heart wants the best for her children. She thinks about this all through those tough, but amazing nurturing years. And she thinks about the time when they will eventually leave her arms…and her home. But I’m not sure she truly grasps the realty of it because she’s living in the moment. I surely did not.

When my oldest daughter moved 4 hours away, twelve years ago, well…that was one of the worst days of my life. I ran hard at the park after she drove away. It was 103 degrees. I ran three plus miles until I ended up collapsing on the cold concrete floor of the park bathroom. I should have called for help but I just laid there until my body cooled off and I could get up on my own. Twelve years later, it’s still so very hard to say goodbye after a visit.

After I dropped my Charlie off at the airport, I broke down. Yes, while driving. My youngest daughter gently held onto my arm.

I continued onto Plainfield to make a quick stop. It was here I became even more emotional as I recalled the years I brought my four youngest children here to shop. We had so much fun together! Tonight, I just want my kids back. Change is difficult for me. I wasn’t quite ready for my littles to grow up and leave even though, at the time, I wondered if and when they would ever grow up. But I’ve learned so much over the past few years. I learned that I didn’t cherish enough every-single-minute with my little ones when they were home.

A mother’s heart is strong yet can break rather easily. Memories often do that. Goodbyes, though, are a surety that her heart will shatter.

She just never believed that this day would come.

I miss my Charlie tonight.

A mother’s heart….♥️ 💔

Andi

The power of the sun is quite remarkable. I have been thinking about this ever since the eclipse on Monday.

We were fortunate to witness the eclipse in our area. My family gathered together out in the country, away from the rush of onlookers who traveled here from other parts of the country.

My son, Jet, a photographer/videographer, brought his gear with him. Cameras, tripods, and a drone. I haven’t seen the footage taken by the drone yet.

The weather could not have been more perfect for a family gathering, picnic, and totality of the eclipse. As the moon covered the sun’s rays strange things began to happen. The birds stopped singing and the frogs began to chirp their night songs. A friend of mine who was elsewhere, later told me that a rooster gathered the hens to the henhouse to bed down for the night. The sunset was 360 degrees. No matter which direction you looked there was a glow along the horizon as if the sun was setting. The temperature dropped as well and several of us grabbed our jackets.

As the moon moved across the sun, and light began to appear, the birds began to sing their early morning songs and the frogs became silent. And the friend’s rooster crowed. The beautiful sunrise was also 360 degrees. Amazing. Jackets came off.

As I reflect on this, I realize the sun’s influence on all of life and of its great power. I can’t help but thank God for the sun and how it blesses this earth.

We have much to be grateful for. ♥️

Andi

Photos: a sunrise, taken by my daughter, Mattea; some of my girls enjoying the eclipse; Jet and his camera; last three photos are Jet’s

Once in a while something brings to my memory an actor or musician from days gone by and I have to research them to see what they are up to. A few nights ago, I searched David Cassidy. He was a heartthrob for many girls during the Partridge Family days.

According to Wikipedia, David Cassidy had a serious alcohol problem. That’s pretty sad but drug and alcohol addiction seems to be the norm in the world of show business. Sadly, it apparently put an end to his career.

David died while waiting for a liver transplant. His daughter stated that her father’s last words were “so much wasted time”.

How sad that those were his final words spoken on this earth. I certainly do not want to be on my deathbed only to focus on regret and what went wrong in my life, or agonizing over the fact that much of my time spent here was wasted on the passing thrills of this world.

I have regrets, yes. I’m pretty sure we all do. But I would hope that my last thoughts would be of love and reassurance to my family. I would want to be an encouragement for them to become stronger in their faith in God, and to push forward.

As we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior today (and hopefully, everyday), let’s renew our relationship with him. Asking for forgiveness while forgiving ourselves as well. Leaving our past behind and walking in the light of the one who loves us most. Let’s not waste time with things that pull us away from all that is good. Let us determine in our hearts that some variations of wasted time do nothing good for our soul and should be left alone. Much of what this world has to offer can leave us cold and empty. Jesus desires quite the opposite for us.

Don’t leave this earth in sadness but in the joy of knowing you tried your hardest to be the best version of you.

And don’t let your final words be “so much wasted time”. Let your words be that of love, strength, and encouragement. ♥️

Andi

Back in 2016, I was working for a florist. On November 1st of that year, my best friend of over 30 years passed away suddenly in her sleep. I was devastated.

Because I was so distraught, my boss allowed me to work in an area of the store where I wouldn’t have to talk to people. I simply couldn’t stop crying.

One of those days though was very busy and the store was filled with people. The phone wouldn’t stop ringing either. At one point no one was able to get the phone so I picked it up. Typically, I would answer by saying, “Eitel’s and Company, your personal florist. This is Andi. How may I help you?” But this time I picked up the phone and said, “Eitel’s and Company, your personal floormat….” I have no idea why that came out of my mouth, but I immediately started laughing. Thankfully, the customer laughed right along with me. It was pretty funny.

In another light, have you ever felt like someone’s personal doormat? You know…when you allow people to walk all over you. Perhaps it is because you have difficulty saying no. Or, maybe you feel obligated for whatever reason(s). Perhaps you are a doormat because you simply want to be liked and to fit in. Maybe you are like me in whom other’s place their confidence. But then they unload all their heaviness upon you and you absorb it like a sponge. And now you own it. That’s definitely me. Or, just maybe there is a strong presence in your circle who is kind of a bully. I’ve dealt with that before as well.

My advice to you…and myself, is don’t do that. This is about self-care and self-love. It’s not mean to disallow others from continually wiping their feet on you. For you to be the best you can be in this life you need to take care of you first, mentally, spiritually, and physically.

“If you don’t like being a doormat, then get off the floor.”

I used to think it was selfish and conceited to take care of myself first or even to love myself. I was terribly wrong. I was a hot mess for longer than I care to mention. So don’t think that way.

Today add self-care and self-love to your Honey Do list. Don’t pencil it in. Use permanent marker. ♥️

Andi

Original post: March 30, 2021. Edited.

This was written three years ago, the day after my dad passed. The last six weeks of his life were grueling…agonizing, to say the least. He was not ready. Neither were we.

I didn’t have the closure I really needed. We had a tumultuous relationship, filled with highs and lows. I struggle with this every day still, just as I struggled my whole life when he was alive. I just wanted to know why.

But through those six weeks, and now too after watching Matt pass from this life to the next, I realize just how close we really are to eternity. It’s certainly not something we should take lightly but actually, should actively work towards.

My father passed away yesterday at 12:30 pm. Life support was removed at 12:23 so he was on his own for seven minutes. The hospital staff was beyond gracious. They kept Dad comfortable and pain free as he crossed that thin line between here and there. The three most important women in his life were by his side, his wife of 22 years, my sister and me.

There is a very thin line between life and death. I witnessed that yesterday. We take for granted the abilities of our body to work as it was designed. We take for granted the nutrition found in the food we eat, the water needed for every bodily function beginning at the cellular level, and the clean air we need to oxygenate our blood. Without any one of these, we cross that thin line.

Sometimes we walk that line; challenging it, testing it, teasing it. We don’t realize the fragility of the body and spirit. We were designed in such a way that our bodies will fight its hardest to survive. But sometimes that’s simply not enough anymore.

My dad wasn’t ready to go. He was looking forward to a big 80th birthday celebration in October. But things don’t always go according to our own plans. From a distance, that line appears to be quite broad, but the reality of it is, it’s a very thin line between here and there.

My heart is in pain. My eyes burn from endless tears. My body aches from fatigue. And I want to go home. I have much to sort out, reflect upon, and think about. Life is so very short. And that line between here and there is even thinner than I ever imagined.

I miss my dad. 💔

Andi

I love taking photos. Photos take you back to the very moment you snapped that shot. You can remember most everything surrounding that moment in time. Who you were with. How you were feeling. What was on your mind.

Nature is my favorite subject to photograph. But I also like to take pics of things out of the ordinary.

I was going through my photo albums on my phone last night, trying to get inspiration to write. I ran across some oddball pictures and became inspired.

These are just a few photos of what of what I’d like to share with you. Some photos you may have seen in prior posts.

Guess I just felt like sharing tonight. Hope you enjoyed something a little different from me.

♥️

Andi

Original post: March 7, 2021. Edited.

Yesterday, my daughter and I took a long country drive. We drove to a small farming community just for curiosity’s sake. In the middle of farmland were rows of houses, some with white picket fences, and large mature trees dotted the small town. There was a lone gas station and a small community park on the east side of town from where we entered. We slowly drove through town looking at everything but for nothing in particular. I’m assuming there was a post office although I didn’t see one. Maybe it was near the town hall which I did see. Many of the old buildings, in what would be considered downtown, were vacant. This was sad to me. Although I didn’t grow up in Indiana, I do remember small rural towns that were open for business with very few buildings vacant. Old gas stations, small town restaurants, general stores, floral shops, funeral services, machine shops, appliance stores, and mom and pops full of sweet treats. It was about everyone in the community working together to support their little hometown. I guess I grew up in the Mayberry era. And it was grand.

As we drove around we saw youth in the community which I saw as a good sign. Raising children in a rural Indiana is sweet to me. The school is large (we passed it on the way into town) so I’m assuming it supports several of the rural communities. As for the parents, they would need to commute to the larger cities for work as there is nothing in this town to support them.

The railroad was on the west edge of town and there grain could be loaded into railcars. I drove out of town and into the farmland a little ways before turning around to go back through town again. I wanted to take it all in. I noticed a second church which I missed on our first run through. It looked like a ghost town on the main street. We stopped at the community park to walk our dogs before heading home. That’s where I found that sparkly little brook I posted yesterday. I really wish I had taken pictures of the town to share with you here. But maybe it’s good to use your imagination with this particular post.

This morning I washed my bedding and hung it out on the line. It made me think of days long gone. No one hangs their laundry out anymore. I then thought of a home I saw yesterday in that little town. It was an old, but a very well-kept farmhouse with barns and several outbuildings. It was a very attractive property with its well-groomed yard and landscaping.

The house with its large, welcoming porch, was absolutely beautiful. I can only imagine the thousands of conversations that took place on that porch over the years as friends and family rocked away in those old wooden rocking chairs while sipping on iced tea. The house and all of the buildings were white with black trim. Black iron posts held an attractive sign that told of the business that was located on the premises. A tradesman. A machine shop. Sadly, this is almost nonexistent now. And to me, it’s like losing an old friend.

I remember old farmers and mechanics working out of their own barns and garages. The smell of oil, gas, and hydraulic fluid upon entering was a good smell to me. I remember seeing men with their clothes, faces, and arms greasy and black from their labor. Not to mention the spittle around the corners of their mouth and sometimes dried on their chin.

These old men had much to share about life. They’d tell of their worries about the younger generation while comparing them to their own youthful days of growing up. They’d share their fishing tales, talk politics, discuss the tractors and trucks and other equipment they’ve worked on, and once in awhile throw in humorous bragging on this or that. I regret that the youth of today don’t have the opportunity to sit in a garage or old barn and listen to the old men talk. Those days are mostly gone now.

As for me, I’m going to hang my laundry out until I am no longer physically able to do so. I am grateful that I grew up in the era that I did when I was not-so-far from the old days. I got in on just the tail end.

Above is a picture of when I was a teenager and I’m sitting with my siblings and our great-grandmother who was born in the late 1800’s. Not really so long after the Civil War ended. She traveled by covered wagon, mostly through Minnesota, Wisconsin, and the Dakotas. My how times have changed.

This next picture is a six generation family photo. Paul Harvey spoke of this rare event on his broadcast. My grandmother, my mom’s mother, is holding the baby, and her mother, my great-grandmother, is the oldest one in the picture, the same woman from my first picture.

Days of old…not that they were easy days by any means, but what treasures are found in them. It’s hard to keep the memories alive but it would be in our best interest to bring some of the past back into our present.

Be grateful for the days of old for they have much to teach us about life and living. ♥️

Andi

Original post: March 13, 2022. Edited.

My youngest daughter and I took Nyx for a walk one lovely Sunday afternoon. For most of that day, I’d been going through my jewelry, trinkets, and keepsakes; sorting and pitching as I went. There were a lot of journeys down memory lane. Happy and sad journeys. Much of what I own is from loved ones who are no longer here. So I decided I needed to take a break.

Nyx’s favorite thing is running. So if no one was present in any direction, I would unleash her and let her have some fun. She never goes far from me though. She’s a one-person dog. That person being me. She suffers from separation anxiety so she needs to be very near me.

As we walked, Mattea and I laughed a lot at this crazy dog of mine. We talked a lot too. Walking is always a special time for us. We have each other’s full attention. No distractions. Well, except for Nyx who is trying to grab a tree root to play fetch with, or dragging a huge limb into the pathway.

I enjoyed our mother/daughter conversation. Mostly, she vented about how hard life is. And I agreed. It is hard. And it doesn’t get any easier the older you get. I simply told her: There’s no learning in easy.

There really is no learning in easy. Learning and growing. That’s what we do from birth until death. Trials, hardships, and challenges build character. They mold and shape us into better, more compassionate, people. Or, they should anyway.

Following the path of least resistance doesn’t allow for growth. While easy seems to be a more comfortable, less stressful way to live, in the long run it simply doesn’t teach us much, and it can keep us in a constant state of weakness…and even fear.

Be grateful things aren’t always easy. But also rejoice when you find a patch of peace. Pray for relief when life just seems a bit too much. God is never far but he does allow you to go through hard things so you can become stronger. There’s always a lesson or two to learn. Love those who come to your aid during hardship. It’s a blessing to them as well. I know I am blessed with those who care.

If you have a chance, go for a walk with a loved one. Enjoy conversation with each other without distraction. Well, unless you have your own Nyx to entertain you along the way. ♥️

Andi

No one knows what the future holds for us. For the most part, we cannot foresee the obstacles that will get in the way of our desires, or the hurdles we have to jump in order to get ahead. No one can see, even with those special eclipse glasses, all the scenarios that can happen in a lifetime. Even if we plan our life in detail, one phone call can change absolutely everything.

But still…we have decisions to make along with the innumerable choices available. In our youth, we think that time is pretty much stationary. We are so attentive to the here and now that we just don’t realize that life is moving in fast motion. Then when we are 62 years old we wonder what happened, and…why does my body hurt so much?

So everything important begins in our youth. Not that we aren’t still evolving, learning and growing, into our 60s, 70s, and 80s, because we are. And we can continuously change our dreams and goals along the way. But establishing our end goal should always be our motive for most everything we do and where our energy is.

I was unwise in my younger years. I made poor decisions and choices. I have lived with regret to this day. So younger people, take a good look at us older people. We were not born old. Just the other day we were your age with cool hair, loud music, and fast cars.

Many decisions we made in our young age affect us today…so make good ones. Not hastily or based on a fly-by-moment feeling. My advice is not to make big life-changing decisions when hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. H.A.L.T.

H hungry; A angry; L lonely; T tired

This is a simple reminder to at least slow down our thought process.

You may think that being tired, or hungry, or lonely are little things but sometimes when we act out on those “little” things they become really “big” things and they can definitely alter our future.

So…what are your plans for your life? And what is your end goal? While living in the moment is good, it’s also wise to plan ahead. Especially for where you want to spend eternity. Then all the paths you walk will be made with eternity in mind. If I had that mindset when I was young, my life would be very different today.

Choose a path that won’t hurt others, or disgrace you later. One thoughtless decision can do that. Choose your path, wisely.

♥️

Andi

Photos: most are of Maine; the 6th one is near me, and the last one is from Matt’s property.

Yesterday I came home from my new job…discouraged. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to a single person. I knew my state of mind would only bring others down. I didn’t want to do that. Not at all. But D did want to talk to me. He wanted to know about my day and about the new job. As you know, I wear my heart on my sleeve. And sometimes I lack discretion. Because we were FaceTiming, I could see my words, my feelings, reflect on his face. Like looking in a mirror I saw my sadness and hopelessness in him. How wrong it was of me to do that to another person. He is a happy man and I robbed him of a moment of joy.

My discouragement comes from me wavering in and out of the decisions I make. For constantly wondering what if. For questioning my judgements. And for desiring the ideal instead of being content in the reality of the moment.

Philippians 4:11: Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.

Contentment is something I really need to work on. Really….

This morning I began my day with my stretches while listening to my meditation and my Bible devotion. Then this afternoon I was able to spend time out in the warm sun on my deck.

While relaxing, I thought about yesterday. I decided I should listen to another mediation. I actually ended up listening to several on the Calm app by Jeff Warren. Everything I listened to this morning and this afternoon all pointed me to the same place.

Living in the moment. Being content. Realizing that we cannot avoid unpleasantries. Rising above frustration. Knowing that every moment is just that…a moment. Being realistic and rational. Loving others, always. Instead of looking for the light, be the light. That I am not done learning and growing. I have to do things that are necessary in life. Finding my balance.

God truly provides comfort along with solutions. He did this today.

As far as these three…you may think I’m referencing the Godhead. Well, I will say, I couldn’t be the person I am today without them. And I am ever so grateful. But today I’m referring to something else. The three that bring me the greatest peace in an unsettling world.

Meditation always begins with the breath. As I began to settle into the calm of the moment through meditation this afternoon, I tried to clear my busy mind of the last couple of days.

Mr. Warren suggested I focus on something such as my breath, but while my inhales and exhales were absolutely rewarding, it was a toss up on what to focus upon. Was it the warmth of the sun upon my face, or the whispering wind as it gently brushed against my skin and whipped through my hair, or the music of the songbirds that filled absolutely everything in-between. I decided at that moment that these three are of great importance to me and I’d be utterly lost without them. These three gifts of God.

So my home base, I decided, were these three. And while I listened to the meditation, if my mind wondered, as it typically does, I’d bring it back to home and focus on the sun, the wind, and the song. My deep, intentional breath is the vessel that takes me to the peace I find in these three. Because I know how all of this feels, I can find my way back to peace whenever and wherever I am…just by closing my eyes and breathing.

I reluctantly admit that I cannot live a life in the ideal but must live in the realness of each moment. So in times of discouragement and confusion, through my God-given breath, I will find my focus on the warmth, the touch, and the song that is forever in my heart. My home base. In doing so, I can find contentment in every moment.

Praising God for these gifts. ♥️

Andi

I stated a few days ago that I would be sharing my carnivore lifestyle. This is a lengthy read and I do apologize, but I wanted you to get a better picture of how I got to this place in my life. I know several people have been wondering about me.

My life began in a rather difficult way. My dad was stationed at Fort McPherson, GA. I was born on the base in 1961, nine months and two days after my parents were married. Why are you laughing? Doesn’t every kid try to figure this out?

As I describe my birth, I am recalling the details told to me by my mother. I was Mom’s first baby. Mom said that nuns ran the army hospital. The doctor wasn’t called yet, but Mom told the attending nun-nurse that it was time and that the baby was coming. Without checking Mom’s progress, the nurse told her no, it wasn’t time yet. Mom told her again that the baby was coming and that she wanted to push. The nurse told her no again. Mom kept insisting. The nurse had had enough and slapped Mom across the face. THEN the nurse (I use the term loosely) decided to check Mom’s progress and saw that I was indeed crowning. They hurriedly gave Mom a spinal block so she couldn’t/ wouldn’t push and I was just stuck there for who knows how long. Explains a lot, doesn’t it? The doctor finally arrived and I was born.

But then as Mom was nursing, she developed a staph infection in her breast. In that day and age, patients were quarantined with staph infections. I was immediately taken away from Mom and she was quarantined for 2 weeks. She noted there was a little window on the door where they would pass her food tray to her. My dad took me home and he and his army buddies took care of me. They fattened me up quite a bit on formula in those two weeks. Mom didn’t even recognize me. How sad for her as a new momma. As a mom myself, I cannot imagine the pain of separation with my child. We didn’t have cell phones or FaceTime back then. Even developing film from a camera took time. So Mom had no way of watching my progress. Just awfully painful to think about.

During my young years, I had difficulty with food. Everything disrupted my gut. My young tummy would bloat and get painfully hard. No, it wasn’t constipation. Finally, my parents took me to a doctor. I did the barium thingy and they took X-rays. Doctors didn’t know much about nutrition back then. I’m not sure how much schooling they even have today in nutrition.

The doctor finally told my parents that I needed to eat toast with crunchy peanut butter. THE worst foods possible for me to eat.

I remember back in high school and how by the time I got on the bus to go home, I’d have to undo at least the top button on my jeans. Sometimes the zipper, slightly, if I wore a large sweatshirt or coat. I was in constant agony.

It just didn’t get better in my early adulthood. I did figure out what foods triggered the most pain, but it was food that we were told was the best to consume for good health. I wanted to be healthy, so I ate the nuts, milk, and milk products, veggies, fruits, pasta, and breads.

My gut was in a bad way. Anything and everything upset it. I remember once when I was working for a chiropractor, I decided to try Slim Fast even though I didn’t need to lose weight. But in my mind, I thought it would make an awesome, healthy meal replacement. Well, I was taught a huge lesson in about 20 minutes. I dropped to the floor in the hallway between patient rooms and curled up into a ball because of the intense pain. Lesson learned.

I continued all through my adulthood eating and being miserable. I tried raw milk instead of heavily pasteurized milk. While I know it’s ideal for most, I just couldn’t. I ate gluten-free foods. Nope. Salads tore my gut up even with varying the dressings I used. A big problem too was that I cooked for a large family. I wanted to eat what I made for them. Going out to eat was a treat from cooking, and I loved it, but I always suffered later.

I ran out of options to eat if I removed all that upset my gut. Except for meat. Meat never bothered me unless it was heavily seasoned or smothered in gravy or sauces. I always wondered about that. But who could live on just meat?

Then during the holiday season in 2022, I knew I had to make a change because I wasn’t going to live long if I didn’t.

I had made promises to each of my girls to do my best to get healthy but I wasn’t keeping my end of the deal. My demeanor was very poor by the end of 2022. I was broken, sick, very overweight, and depressed. I was in bad shape.

So I prayed that God would help me find an answer that I could live with. I earnestly prayed for help. On New Year’s Day, 2023, I ran across something. Honestly, I cannot even tell you if it was an email or something on YouTube. All I know is I found Dr. Kiltz and it really doesn’t matter how. Dr. Kiltz is a fertility doctor…and a carnivore. A lion. A meat-eater. His article drew me in. The very question that had been subtly hiding in the back of my mind all my life was being answered. Yes, you can eat meat only…and live. I was overjoyed.

I knew what I had to do. On January 3rd, I became a lioness and started my journey. I joined the Kiltz keto/carnivore support group. There I could find resources and answers for the questions I had. YouTube has an abundance of information as well. Dr. Ken Berry, Doctor Kiltz, Dr. Anthony Chaffee, and videos of many others who have been carnivore for years. This isn’t a diet per se. Not in the sense of I’m going on a diet diet. It is a lifestyle change.

What do I eat being carnivore? I eat mostly fatty red meat, eggs, lots of grass-fed butter, and a lot of salt. Good quality salt. I also eat chicken, pork, and bacon. I’m not a real fish eater but when I do, I only eat wild-caught fish and seafood. The only food I eat that comes from a plant is coffee.

An excerpt from A Guide to Animal Based Diets, by Doctor Kiltz, December 31, 2023:

It’s worth noting that greens are high in oxalic acid, a naturally occurring plant toxin. Oxalates contribute to intestinal and digestive problems and can interfere with the absorption of vital nutrients like zinc and calcium.

Chronic exposure to plant toxins such as oxalates, histamines , phytohormones, salicylates, trypsin inhibitors, and antinutrients like lectins can cause numerous allergies, leaky gut autoimmune diseases, and chronic inflammation.

Amen to all of that! My body is well aware of all of the above.

So what have I noticed since going carnivore? Within three days my arthritic pain was about 95% gone. Even without exercising, I was able to move about more freely. I felt I had young, athletic legs again.

My weight started coming off. But even better than weight-loss was the fact that my body shape was changing even during the times I wasn’t losing weight. The best I can describe it is that my body was being sculpted. My clothes were fitting better all the time.

My mood was much happier as depression left. It didn’t fluctuate much and I stayed more consistently happy.

Those are just a few of the benefits I felt.

I say all that in past tense because I did fall off carnivore about 8-9 months in. That was my own fault. I was not doing well with the passing of my friend. I simply introduced sugar into my diet one weak day and it reactivated my emotional eating and my sugar addiction came back in a rage. It was horrible. I thought I was far enough away from those bad things to ever be controlled by them again. But no. I realize I have a severe issue with both emotional eating and a sugar addiction.

But I’m back on carnivore and I feel the same benefits as I did the first time. I will get back to OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittent fasting as well. I am just so happy to be eating meat!

As far as meat providing all the nutrients needed for good health, I do not have doubt. The doctors listed above provide research and facts about nutrition found in good meat. Ruminant meat is the best for carnivore, like beef and lamb.

I won’t say I am on the same page with everything that is presented by carnivores. I personally do not believe the earth is millions and millions years old. I do not believe that the only people who lived were cave people and that they only ate meat. I believe the Bible as truth. I believe that God created the earth in seven days and that the earth is approximately six thousand years old. I believe that he provided plants, milk, honey, and the fatted calf for us to eat. But I also believe that we humans think we are pretty smart. Chemicals were created to increase the productivity of farmland. But when adding toxic, lab-created chemicals into nature not a whole lot of positives can come out of that equation. We’ve depleted our lands of nutrients. We’ve poisoned our water systems. We kill bees and butterflies. We pollute the air. (And no, I’m not into climate change. Everything God created, cycles in his design.) So it’s no wonder the food quality of today is not the same as in Bible times. And quite frankly, I cannot eat the food the earth provides. And today if I eat plants raised organically, and with the best of intentions, my body is so damaged that I cannot tolerate it. I’d certainly enjoy it as I ate it but my gut would let me know otherwise later. Don’t get me wrong. I love food. And I love the fact that family and friends gather together around food. I love every aspect of that fellowship. But this is how my world works right now.

I’m not going to say that I won’t cheat every now and then, but if I do, it would be my choice, my decision. I love food just like anyone. But I also know how I might suffer later with each food I ingest and that’s totally on me. This is an individual decision I’ve made for my own wellbeing. Just as you own the reasons and excuses why you eat what you do.

I will not tell anyone that carnivore is the only way to good health. I do believe that every person would benefit in some way though. And I would love to see some people in my world try it because I believe it could help them in more ways than one. But that is my opinion and I simply want the best for those I love. I do believe it’s worth the research though. And while I’m still learning, scientific research is ongoing as this way of life is becoming more and more popular. We each need to make our own decisions on how to make the best out of this life we live…spiritually and physically.

I love the lioness in me because I finally feel the way I should have been feeling all my life! ♥️

Andi

If you have any questions you are more than welcome to reach out to me and I will give you a way to privately message me.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Even when your children are adults, they will forever be your babes. And sometimes they will love you so much in any given moment that you will be brought to tears. On Wednesday, my oldest daughter, Denae, did just that.

She sent me this text:

Mom,

I found a song that made me cry. It made me think of you.

You always say, “I don’t know how you girls got your strength.”

And, “I don’t know how you turned out the way you did.”

Well listen to this.

I love you.

So, I listened to Bulletproof, by Jamie Fine.

These are the lyrics that touched my heart the most:

Mama, who would let you down?

Who made you think you weren’t enough,

And filled your soul with doubt?

Did you know I love this hard because of you?

And I’ve been learning it’s a journey, as I’m walking in your shoes,

I’ll pass along all of your lessons,

Took some time but I got your message,

If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof,

It’s all because of you.

I never thought of myself in this light because I do not see myself as bulletproof. Actually, I never thought much of myself as a mother…I was mediocre at best, but mostly, not even that. I felt I let my babes down because I didn’t teach them some of the most important things in life…like how to be strong. Bulletproof.

This moment between mother and daughter was beautiful and lasted way longer than a mere moment. It touched me so deeply that I will carry it with me forever.

If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof

It’s all because of you…

♥️

Andi

I have a bazillion notebooks and half as many journals. Most journals I have had for years but are still untouched just waiting for the most perfect inspiration. Many notebooks are written in, often only a single page of something I didn’t want to forget at the time. It could have been a simple list of home repairs made, crafts to make, holiday baking ingredients, menus, bills to pay, gifts to buy, or how many naps to take in a day. (Juss kiddin’. I come from a long line of nappers. No list required.)

I’m in-between jobs currently and on day five of my eleven day lapse before my new job starts. I will be working more days and longer hours than I have for awhile so I made lists of things I need to do before I start.

While categorizing my lists and titling each one, I thought of a something I never really considered before. Things I Want Most in Life. Maybe this list has to do with my age and feeling the urgency to pull my life together and make some sort of sense of it. I feel, though, it is a list of great importance as I move forward in this next chapter of my life.

While my children and my significant other, D, are important, I am quite dedicated to them so I did not include them in this list. But I will explain each item on this list for a better understanding of why I placed them here.

Things I want most in life.

1. Christianity. The reason Christianity is on my list is because, in all honesty, I have to work really hard to stay on top of my relationship with God. I have witnessed God’s love and grace, yet my children and D are tangible in the physical sense. I see them. I hear them. I feel them. Therefore, it is easier to be dedicated to them. Maybe that is a wrong way to look at it, but it’s my realty. Bottom line: I want to make sure I have secured a mansion above so I can walk through heaven’s pearly gates when he calls me home.

2. Health. I had pretty much given up on my health and simply put, on life, a couple of years ago. Working for the insurance company depleted my energy and broke my spirit. While some can handle the job very well, working 9-5 in a windowless office, in front of three screens, for two years turned my mind and body into mush. At a bare minimum, I need to see the outdoors throughout the day. I am still dealing with the end result of those two years even though I’ve been out of insurance for 15 months. My body became weak and that’s something I just cannot tolerate. I need to become strong again and that has been very hard to do because sadly, I’m back on the starting block. A year ago in January, I did make a decision to go carnivore. From January to August, I ate only meat, eggs, bacon, butter, and some cheese periodically. The only thing I consumed that was derived from a plant was my coffee and a touch of stevia. I lost forty-five pounds and felt wonderful. Then I started not coping well after Matt’s passing and ate one piece of chocolate at work. That was a ginormous mistake as emotional eating took over and my sugar addiction came back in a full rage. I gained some weight back and started feeling horribly bad once again, both physically and mentally. I am happy to say that now I am back on carnivore…finally after months of battling the sugar addiction. I drink coffee but have kicked stevia to the curb for a couple of reasons. Day seven and the weight is starting to come off again and arthritic pain is greatly decreasing as well. I am stretching religiously and am able to move about more freely with much less pain. (I hope to write a post with more detail about my carnivore journey soon.)

I also spend time caring for my emotional wellbeing with meditation, devotions, and deep breathing, which sends me into a welcomed place of peace and calm. Bottom line: My goal for optimal health is necessary as it clears my mind so I can focus; therefore, I am more present in each moment. Strengthening both my mental and physical capacities lift my spirit so I can focus on life outside of myself.

3. Helping Others. I have been on the receiving end of help more times than I can count. I know what it’s like to feel hopelessness and loneliness. The struggle was very real being a single mom for the past 11 years. Friends have been there to help me financially and by other means of support. Robin and Denise are the ones I readily think of…even though they were once the best friends of my ex, I was family to them. I cannot recall the many times they were available for me and my kids even though they lived in another state. Several others were very present in my life as well. Now that I am in a better place, I find that the more I help others the better I feel and the more I am blessed. Bottom line: Giving back is a gift.

4. Grandma. I realize the importance of being a grandparent. Grandparenting is not just fun and games with the Littles. It’s about nurturing, guiding, teaching, and being a very important presence in their young, developing lives. I want to be that person the children can trust and count on. Because this task takes work and effort on my part, it is here on my list. Bottom line: a grandma has an important role in the lives of her grandchildren and I desire to be an active participant.

5. Write. My mind never rests. I have many stories to write and posts to share of all the things I’ve learned so far on my life’s journey. Connecting with people is very important to me so that no one feels they are alone with their thoughts and struggles. I desire to inspire and share dreams and life lessons with others. Hopefully, always sprinkled with a little humor and smothered in love. Even though my blog, coffeewithandi, is my legacy to leave my children and grandchildren, it takes discipline to write. I have books started, but again, it takes time and discipline. So that is why I’ve included writing on this list. Bottom line: writing is my life’s passion. I’ve only just begun but time isn’t waiting for me to catch up.

All of these on my list take thought, preparation, dedication, and effort, and that doesn’t often come easy for me. I get distracted easily and frequently, or sometimes a nap calls me.

I think lists are good. And I think that lists should be handwritten for better remembrance. I recently read an article which suggested handwriting is good for the brain. I believe that. So I suggest handwriting your lists.

I’m sure I will think of other things of importance to add, but this list is sufficient for now. Time’s a-wastin’.

♥️

Andi

My apologies upfront as I rant a little this morning. I am already working on a couple other posts but this one stirred me up. There’s nothing quite like a stirred up Andi. My kids and D would most likely agree with that statement.

So this morning I read yet another disturbing bit of information about pharmaceutical companies tampering in areas they have no business being in. What can possibly go wrong when pharmaceuticals are involved with our food supply and food production?

So I told myself three days ago that I need to stay away from cheese. I’d eat a little here and there as a treat for myself. But it messes with my gut and makes me feel bad. I try to buy better quality cheeses (grass-fed and organic when I can) but they mostly seem to affect me the same. Cheese is one of the greatest joys in the world of food.

This morning I read an article which is provided in the link below. Pfizer has its hands in our cheese and that makes me pretty darn mad. And you have to ask yourself why? Why are they messing with our food?

Cheese typically contains four ingredients, milk, salt, starter culture, and rennet. The article describes how Pfizer uses GMO rennet instead of animal rennet, which is used to curdle milk into cheese. Here is an excerpt from the article:

“An estimated 90% of North American cheese is made with FPC rennet, and ingredient labels do not distinguish between bioengineered rennet and the original animal-based type so consumers have no way of knowing what they’re eating.”

What can possibly go wrong? And ask yourself again…why?

Another thought I have is as “they” try to eliminate cows from our planet, I wonder if soon cheese will made from the same lab-designed milk that men chest-feeders nurse infants. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Messing with nature will never have positive end results. God was (and still is) perfect in his design.

I feel strongly that we need to protect our food sources, not only for my particular way of eating (which I will share soon), but for the world as a whole.

The link below will take you to the article I read this morning. Draw your own conclusions, but stay informed with anything that has to do with your health and wellbeing.

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2024/03/04/gmo-cheese.aspx

♥️

Andi

Photo credit: my daughter, Denae

♥️

Andi

Photo: sunset at my thinking spot, January 2020

I came across this quote during one of my morning meditations. It really made a lot of sense to me.

I think about my life and the future. I always begin with “I want”.

I want a new job, a cabin, a lake, and a woods. I want to lose weight. I want summer. I want to travel. I want Friday to get here. I want, I want, I want. Nothing is ever about the present moment, the present day.

We never seem to be content with what we have material-wise either. I want a new purse. New car. New house. New shoes. New phone. When I imagine a moment without a single want in it, I actually feel a weight lifted and a very peaceful feeling warms me.

It’s okay to have dreams and goals. It’s okay to have needs and wants. But it’s really not okay to always live in tomorrow before it even gets here. And when it does get here, it will be today and then we will still be thinking about tomorrow. Today just never seems to be enough. And the things we possess…are they not good enough either? We are a generation of wanters.

Put aside your wants and enjoy this present weekend. Find some peace and give your mind a much needed break. ♥️

Andi

Photo credit: my daughter-in-law, Dani, after our winter storm last weekend.

As I sit here in my recliner, drinking coffee, and listening to the last three Jay Shetty meditations I missed, I look out my window to the snow that covers the outdoors wishing it was spring. Then one of the meditations talks about this very thing. Rushing seasons.

I know that I have been guilty of not appreciating the current season I am in and have tried to force a new season in when it doesn’t belong. True, I’m not talking about the actual seasons of winter, spring, summer, and fall…although, I am craving warmer weather. I am referring to my determination to force a new vision, hope, or dream to work in a place that hasn’t been prepared yet. It’s like forcing a puzzle piece into a place not cut for it.

Winter needs to happen for many reasons. It prepares the earth for the next phase. Even if you live in a warm climate, I believe there are distinct patterns that occur throughout the year. Everything that God placed into motion has a pattern, cycle, purpose. Forcing one process to end before its time, and trying to move something into its place before it’s ready is just not going to work well.

Life can be difficult. Currently, I have been on a roller coaster of emotion as I am discovering much about myself. God places people in our lives at just the right time. I believe when he sees we are open to whatever he wants us to learn, he provides who or what we need. D is that who.

Without intentional effort on his part, D has brought to light my unhealthy patterns of reactions, reasonings, and thought processes. This revelation has led me to evaluate the last 50 years of my life. I see where I have unintentionally sabotaged relationships. I’ve reacted first and thought about it later. Maybe. I run when things get tough. And I see my urge to rush into the next season without finishing the one I am in. Honestly, these are patterns I have exhibited all my life.

In nature, each season prepares for the next. The same is true for the seasons of our life.

Apparently, I still have much more to learn about myself and life. Just when I thought I was nearing the end of my schooling I see that it is only getting started. But that’s okay. God is the potter and I am the clay.

Seasons are here for a reason. We reflect on the past season while preparing for the next. Each season holds a wealth of wisdom to carry into the new one. It’s just how life works in God’s design.

Instead of fighting the current season, embrace it. Even when it is difficult. Learn all you can from it and carry that wisdom into the next.

Be grateful for the ones whom God has strategically placed in your life. I am.

♥️

Andi

Photo credit: winter, my home; spring, outside my insurance office; summer, Nyx in the backyard; fall, the wedding venue where I worked

So today was a difficult day. I spent much of it wrapped in the heated drama of our small town. I got caught up in the controversy, the frustration, the helplessness, the defenseless, the seriousness, the anger.

I wrote long ago about who I am as a person. I take things to heart easily, but I also wear that same heart on my sleeve. All my life I’ve prided myself as being a healer or fixer of sorts. I want to make things better. All things. People things. Country things. World things. And that’s all fine and dandy IF I can help and make a positive difference. But often, I can’t. Some things are just way bigger than me. Like the serious problems in my town.

I am also a sponge. I soak up the pain and chaos all around me. That’s why I quit watching the news. The heaviness of our world’s problems consumed my whole being. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I had to make a change. I felt a weight lifted when I walked away from the news and social media. I can pray about anything and everything because God is aware of it all. I just don’t need to know all the disturbing details. But even when I become aware of issues and yet cannot fix a single thing, I make those problem(s) my own. Like I don’t have enough of my own. Does this even make any sense?

So after work today, I still carried the concerns of the whole town with me. Not on my back where you typically carry heavy loads. Not in a wagon to pull behind me. No, I carried it all in my gut, and sadly, in my heart. I was stressed out. I was angry. The conversations of the morning drained me emotionally and physically. I was totally out of it as I zombied my way through the many errands I had after work.

Luckily, my friend, D, was able to talk me down with a sternness that was wrapped in love and kindness. As I get to know him better he is becoming more and more like a tether to me. Oh, not in a bad way. He’s not a ball and chain. But he does keep me grounded. And that’s a very good thing. He calmly called me out on things that no one else ever has before. He challenged me to sort out my thoughts and emotions that were still very hot from this morning. He made me think.

So as I lie here in bed unable to sleep, I realize that through difficulties I am able to grow. Everything I’ve written in my blog for the last four years is insight of what I’ve gained throughout my lifetime so far. Hopefully, more right than wrong insight. Life experiences show me who I am, who I desire to be, and who God needs me to be…IF I am willing to listen and learn. And I will be honest with you here. I do not claim to be perfect. I am nowhere near perfect. I have made bad choices throughout my life because I wasn’t willing to listen. But I listen more intently as I grow up. See…wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Tonight, D listened. He questioned me. And he actually helped me to see things about myself for the first time. It hurt a little and was slightly embarrassing, but it’s what I needed. And I am grateful.

I need to squeeze the sponge and rid myself of the toxic pain that doesn’t belong inside of me. I cannot bear the weight of my whole town. My job there is finished in two weeks. Even so, it’s not my place to bear the burden of others so deeply. It solves nothing and only hurts me…and others around me. I need to find balance. How can I be helpful without becoming the sole bearer of so much pain?

It’s a lifelong path I have walked to understanding who I am.

I think to D, I am one of the top 10 unsolved mysteries of the world. But that’s okay with me. He seems to be willing to try to solve the mystery. I’m just glad he’s in my world.

I learned a great lesson. Will I go through something like this again? Probably, but perhaps on a smaller scale. I am human and I can get tripped up pretty easily sometimes. Okay, often. My internal design is to help others. While I embrace that, I see the need to approach cautiously, wisely, and with much prayer.

I appreciate you for reading this lengthy post. Maybe it has helped you in some way too. After all, I can’t be the only sponge walking this earth besides Bob. ♥️

Andi

Photo credit: my daughter, Charlie; video clips of someplace beautiful in Florida, 2024

No, this isn’t a special valentine message. Even though I have a special guy in my life, I am not a fan of the day. Bah humbug…

But it is about love. Love for one another. Romans 12:10.

I read recently that the mind tends to gravitate toward negativity rather than positivity. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s like the muscles in your face. The old wives tale says it takes more muscles to frown than smile but that’s what we do more of. It seems to be more comfortable with less effort. Or perhaps, following the path of least resistance, like a river or stream.

When we stop to take a moment to think about what’s going on in our mind, maybe then we could keep our thoughts on a more positive track. But it takes work. It takes effort on our part.

Romans 12:10 ESV says to love one another and to outdo each other in expressing that love. That doesn’t mean anything immoral. It’s a clean, pure love, generosity, and respect for our family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers.

There are great rewards in being kind to others. Even a simple smile in passing can brighten up an entire day for someone who may be crying on the inside.

Outdo one another in expressing love and kindness. What a wonderful world we would live in.

♥️

Andi

Time goes so S*L*O*W when we are young and then in the mid twenties it speeds up dramatically. And then by the time you are 62, time travels like the Shanghai Maglev in China, which can reach a top speed of 267 mph. No, thank you.

Is there ever a time in our life when time travels at the correct speed? And what would that even be? Same amount of minutes in a day. Something doesn’t seem right. I think we are being swindled, scammed, taken advantage of. I wanted to use the term gypped or jipped, but after googling it for the correct spelling, I noted that some consider it to be a racist remark. smh

I would love for time to slow down. Even just a little. Granted, there are times, difficult times, when time doesn’t go fast enough. But overall, I need it to slow down. Now…

Not wishing for tomorrows or weekends or the next vacation would probably slow things down a bit. When young, you just couldn’t wait until you reached 16, 18, and 21. But you don’t realize that there is a 23, 45, and a 62. Living each moment and enjoying where you are would be best, I believe. And that will take some practice for sure.

Enjoy this moment. It’ll be gone forever in a flash. Make good memories that will outshine the not-so-good ones. Find your peace.

♥️

Andi

I have several dedicated readers. People I know and others whom I’ve never met. I am beyond flattered that people actually read my stuff and still come back. I enjoy the engagement with fellow bloggers too. I think my Bucket List should include meeting each of them in person. Such great writers. All of them!

With WordPress, I am able to see many things about each post. I can check my stats and see how many views, likes, comments I’ve had on any particular day and with each post. It doesn’t show me names or anything personal about my readers. You are just a number here, so no worries. 🙂

There is a map which shows views from all countries. They will be highlighted in green. The more views/readers there are, the darker green the country becomes. Sometimes the map will highlight ten, twelve, or more, countries in a single day. It blows my mind that my blog is read around the world.

Most days lately when I check my map, the U.S. is highlighted along with the country of Turkey. There is typically one lone view/reader in Turkey with each post. I wonder if they might be someone my son met when he was there filming a biblical documentary. I look everyday now to see if my friend from Turkey has visited me. And if you are reading this post today, my friend, I appreciate you.

Blogging has been quite an amazing journey these last four years. It not only has opened my heart more, it’s opened up my whole world. I am blessed. ♥️

Andi

My meditation this morning with Jay Shetty was quite interesting. He told of a Dutch method to help relax the mind. It is called Niksen, or “nixing”. This art is simply giving your mind a much needed break and can be as simple as looking out a window at birds or cloud watching. There is nothing you are trying to figure out or plan. No outside stimulation like a phone or computer begging for your attention. Just gazing and bringing your thoughts down to the basics thoughts of wonder and enlightenment. The art of doing nothing.

This art has been shown to prevent burnout and stress. It helps with productivity and also with health issues.

It appears to be easier said than done though as today’s world has instilled in us that we need to be productive 24/7. So training the mind to let go and just be takes practice.

This art has been gaining popularity over the last few years. Books are available to help you get started. I haven’t checked any out as I never heard of nixing until an hour ago. But I believe it’s worth exploring. I discovered that Google has much information about Niksen as well. There appears to be a wealth of benefits in doing nothing for short periods of time.

So…find some time today to sit at a window or outside and just be for a moment or two. Let me know how this works for you. ♥️

Andi

Photo: my photogenic bird friend, Maine, October 2019

Below is a wonderful post written by my blogger friend, Danielle. She has been on a remarkable journey of self-discovery and healing after years of addiction. I have never met Danielle in person yet through her openness in her writing I feel I know her very well. She writes of her struggles and of her triumphs, of her fears and of her joy, of her pain in letting go of what was, and of her childlike innocence as she rediscovers life after addiction.

♥️

Andi

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

Today I am getting back on the plane – leaving sunny Florida – and heading home to Massachusetts. I have never felt more at HOME in my own skin…than …

Home – in myself 2/10

How often in a day do you say “I can’t”? Honestly, I’m probably the world’s greatest, or should I say worst, I can’ter. What do we actually mean when we say “I can’t”?

Granted, we may have physical, emotional, or mental limitations that solidify an I can’t to a request. Or, there may be timing restraints that can justify an I can’t. But I think more often than not I can’t means, I won’t.

I won’t do that.

It’s not in my heart to do that.

I choose not to consider doing that.

But the easiest way out of the request without explanation is simply, I can’t. Stating I can’t instead of I won’t sort of shifts the request restriction out of our control. Like there is an outside power that restrains us. If that makes sense.

Granted, we need to know our boundaries. Taking care of oneself is priority, not selfishness as I once believed. So we need to be mindful of our own welfare.

If you are one who is involved with many organizations, groups, and sports outside of family life you might have a tendency to have blurred boundaries or no boundaries at all. Requests of you and your time might seem to be obligations rather than choices. This can be unhealthy if you have difficulty saying no. Defining boundaries and adhering to them is necessary for our overall wellbeing.

But I know, too, that I’ve used I can’t out of laziness. Or, maybe it was purely selfishness. Or, both. That was wrong on my part when I was perfectly able to fulfill a request.

Anyway, this thought popped into my head and I needed to get it out so I can accomplish something today…before I can’t.

♥️

Andi

Photo: somewhere in Acadia National Park, Maine, 2019

Yes, I am finally leaving the job I do not love. Moving on. Although I absolutely love the hours and my coworker…the work, well…not so much. Tonight my resignation will be formally announced. And it will be bittersweet.

Changing jobs, again. This made me think all the places I’ve worked throughout my life. I’ve actually tried a lot of different things.

I decided to list, in chronological order, all the places I have been employed. I think I’ve remembered them all. For privacy, I have removed some of the business names.

Heins Clothing Store

Allen County Bank & Trust

PicWay Shoes

Lingle’s Bakery

Howard’s Gift Shop

Hicksville, Ohio Newspaper

Christian School

Chiropractic Clinic

Truck Stop

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Stay-At-Home wife, mom, home educator

Florist and Gift Shop

Long-Term Healthcare Facility

Wedding venue

Independent Insurance Agency

Town Clerk-Treasurer

I have been a:

Bank teller

Special Education teacher

Newspaper Columnist

Assistant aerobics instructor

CNA

Home Educator

Floral designer

Certified Personal Fitness Trainer, Certified in Sports Nutrition

Agent of Property & Casualty Insurance

Town Clerk-Treasurer

Blogger

But all I want to be when I grow up is a published writer. I believe that will happen yet.

Moving on and into a new chapter of my life. A little scary but from where I’m standing, the view is pretty awesome. ♥️

Andi

Photos: yesterday’s sunrise, taken by my friend

Growing up in the 70’s was awesome. Music was very important to me then and it still is today. I thank my father for that. It was probably the greatest gift he ever gave me. He opened my world to a variety of music and I grew to love the artists. I wish I had just a few of his vinyl collection but all I have are the memories of the album covers and their voices waking me up at 6:30 every Saturday morning. He would often play very loudly, the Beatles’, Here Comes The Sun, and Tommy Can You Hear Me by The Who. Rod McKuen was another biggie. Lots of other amazing artists were a part of our Saturday morning ritual. Dad just couldn’t stand being up by himself. At the time, the music was quite disruptive to my peaceful sleep but is much appreciated today.

My mom also had a great appreciation for music. Johnny Mathias was probably her favorite. She loved the Brothers Four too. Later Barry Manilow was a huge favorite of hers.

I love songs that would make me cry. Donny Osmond did that to me. Remember Puppy Love? Wowza….that made me cry every time. I have been a hopeless romantic all my life.

Then I discovered John Denver and he touched my very soul. He opened my heart to notice and appreciate all of nature. His music inspired me to want to protect our basic resources, like water, air, food. That’s when I dreamed of going into forestry.

And as a young impressionable girl his songs convinced me that true love was obtainable and as pure as a new snow on a Colorado mountain.

I wanted to write like John Denver. Maybe not words for a song, but words with substance and meaning. So I began writing poetry when I was 12 or 13 years old. John Denver was my initial inspiration to write.

Going through my vinyl collection, I discovered that I don’t have all the records that I thought I had. You know like Boston, Styx, Foreigner, Kansas, Peter Frampton, Genesis, Paul McCartney and Wings, the Eagle’s, Pink Floyd, etc. Regardless of where those vinyl are the music will always be a part of me. Maybe my babysitting funds couldn’t support my music habit back then.

I took pics of some of the records I do have. I hope they bring back memories for you!

I’m looking forward to getting a turntable so I can reminisce in my vinyl past. ♥️

Andi

Photos: some of my vinyl collection.

Learning the hard way has kind of been my lifelong motto. I made bad decisions, wrong choices, and messy mistakes more than once. You know…just to be sure.

But life is full of THOSE things. And I’m not the only one who has suffered through them. That’s because we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. And often we do not hear God, or…we simply choose not to listen.

But these things are inevitable and actually necessary in our life. Learning from each trial, mistake, and transgression is what builds our character. When we finally realize just how messy our world is we can allow God to be the potter. As we soften to his will we become the clay in his hands. He can then spin us, turn us, mold us into something quite beautiful. This is growth and this is necessary.

Isaiah 64:8 But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.

I met three beautiful people last night for the first time. And while I am still this soft blob in the hands of God, I’m glad they met me now and not twenty or thirty years ago. I’m not quite the same person.

All my life people have told me I am kind, but I know that my heart was not always where it should have been, and it wasn’t always kind, or even pretty. Do you recall your children ever leaving a clump of clay out of the container for days? Usually it becomes as hard as rock. When clay is no longer warmed by the hands that’s what happens. If (when) we choose to not listen to God, our souls become hardened as well. He sets us down and lets us figure things out. But he’s never far away. Once we surrender, God’s warmth softens us…again.

Today I am still learning and growing while being ever-so mindful about what I do and say. I no longer want God to set me down. I’ve learned over the years, that life without him is difficult and painful.

The person we are at the end of our life is what matters. Reality is that this life is a journey of faults and failures and growth and learning, and of softening in the hands of God.

♥️

Andi

Photo: taken by my daughter, Charlie, somewhere beautiful in Florida.

As every February 1st approaches I think that I won’t post this poem this year. That maybe I will skip a year. Some of my readers have been with me since the beginning of this blog and have seen this poem several times already.

But….my love for this girl never fades. My gratitude of having her in my life for 30+ years never ceases. And my heart aches every day that she’s not with me here to finish out this life together. So I am posting this poem again in her honor. Today she would have been 62.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Chelle.

I love you….

Butterflies & Roses

Butterflies and roses,

gifts from a friend.

Treasures I’ll keep

from now to my end.

🦋

Dragonflies, rainbows

bring tears to my eyes,

Of both joy and sorrow,

of hellos and goodbyes.

🦋

The moment you left us

many hearts broke.

But loving kindness

was the story you wrote.

🦋

So I’ll treasure these gifts

and remember your smile.

And the warmth of your love,

I’ll carry each mile.

🦋

I miss you beyond measure

as everyone does,

But you left us your legacy

of compassion and love.

🦋

Butterflies and roses,

gifts from a friend.

Treasures I’ll keep

from now to my end.

♥️

By Andrea

November 11, 2016

Original post: August 28, 2022

My dad’s mother’s family is from Naples, Italy. I do not remember my grandmother as she passed away when I was about three years old. Sadly, my dad lost both parents about seven days apart, in separate hospitals, and both from heart disease. As I grew up, I thought Grandma looked like Judy Garland. Sometimes I imagined they were one and the same. That’s the fantasy of a young girl’s mind.

My grandmother wrote a lot of poetry. I always felt I inherited my love for writing from her. She was a very strict Catholic so much of her writing centered around that. After my dad passed last year, her writings came to me. What a treasure.

When I was visiting my father in Italy, he and I went to a little off-the-beaten-path cafe to eat. It was tucked away in a home that was converted into a diner. Every piece of furnishing was probably from the ‘30’s and ‘40’s. While the food was delicious and the cafe beautifully preserved in time, my father and I had a falling out of sorts. It was an attack on my heart and one of the worst altercations between us, ever. And while I won’t go into detail, it was a reminder of the power behind words. You don’t need to be a writer to understand that power. You need only to be its recipient.

My trip was in June of 2012. It wasn’t until October 31st of that year when my father called me. He said he was sorry for what he said all those months ago in that cafe. I never knew until that call that he even realized what he had said. And although I don’t believe he fully understood though the deep crushing pain he caused me, he apologized and that had to be enough. Then he sent me something he had written. I had zero idea until then that he even wrote.

This is the one and only writing I have of his. Maybe Dad wasn’t like me in that I have to keep most everything I write. I guess writing is carried through the generations through our bloodline. Or, maybe it’s through our heart line.

The pictures attached are the walkway up to my dad’s home. In the picture below, the second doorway on the left is/was the tailor’s shop. I do not know the date Dad wrote this. I only have the date he sent it to me. I hope you enjoy this writing as much as I do.

The Tailor of Casoli (CH) Italy

He sits by the door as there are no lights, no electricity or water for that matter. Scraps of material hang on the wall with faded pictures and newspaper clippings of the past. Bits of cloth scatter the wooden floor. Dust clings to the underside of his sewing machine and all along the thin belt that drives his foot operated apparatus. Next to the cluttered table, on the floor to his right is a green canister that contains bottled gas to operate the iron for pressing clothes.

His sewing machine is as close to the glass door as possible so he can see to work. When practical, the door is left open. He can only work on the days of full light so he arrives early and stays as long as the day allows. The hot late summer days are more productive. The winters are cold and short. When dark clouds come, he closes the shop.He glances up when he sees me pass by the doorway on my way down the 150 stairs or to the Gran Cafe del Borgo in the piazza del Populo or to the main piazza further down the 223 stairs from my home. “Buon Giorno”, he says. “Buon Giorno”, I repeat. Sometimes I visit with him and try to understand his Italian. Sometimes I actually can, a little anyway. Today we actually had a little conversation.

Renato is 75 years old and has been a tailor since his learning days as a child. I know very little about him except that he lives in Fara San Martino, the little town famous for De Cecco pasta, a few short miles from here. Other than his birthday, December 30th, I know nothing else. He is a friendly man. I would like to know more.

~ Dennis G. S.

For the most part, my dad and I lived on opposite ends of life’s spectrum. Hence, our strained relationship. But the similarities we did share are treasures to me. Our love of music, flea markets, the sea, Italy, fishing, holidays, family gatherings, and writing. Those are what keep me close to him…those special things shared…through our heart line. ♥️

Andi

“Ebbs and flows” is an idiom that refers to the natural rhythm of life and the continuous change that is inherent in it. It means that things constantly change and that there are times when things are on the rise and other times when they are on the decline. ~grammarly.com

Ebb is the movement of the tide back to the sea. Flow is the sea returning to the shore. The two work together to make the ocean complete.

I told my friend about a time in the mid 90’s when I went on cruise to the Bahamas. We were on a very small ship and for the majority of the trip we encountered 7 ft. waves. While I stood at the bow of the ship people asked to photograph me because my long hair blew straight back in the intense wind.

The crew moved us to the belly of the ship to discuss the Bahamian culture and money exchange. But it quickly got very hot down there. My guess is that close to 95% of the tourists began throwing up. We made our way out of that place, watching every step we took to avoid vomit. We made sure not to touch a single rail either because it was everywhere. Even on the edge and side of the ship. It was very difficult to walk around the puke, especially on the stairs, while not touching anything to steady yourself on that wild roller coaster ride. We made our way up to the dining room, away from the sounds and the putrid smells of vomit, sawdust, and Lysol, and the four of us ate. It kept us from getting sick.

A few days later as we were getting ready to head back to Florida, I felt a wooziness come over me. So much in fact, I thought the ship had already set sail. But when I looked out a window I saw we were still docked. I thought that was very odd. Once we did set sail, the sea was as calm as glass. It shimmered in the moonlight. Breathtakingly, beautiful.

But that woozy sensation didn’t ease. In fact, I had trouble with balance and wooziness for two months after the trip. On dry land, I sported sea legs. It was quite unpleasant.

Life is full of ebbs and flows. And some days are 7 ft. wave and vomit days, while others are calm and beautiful. Still the two forces intertwine with one another. We found calm in the dining room during that treacherous journey. And then when I was home in the calm, I was overwhelmed with wooziness.

I guess it is about coming to terms with life and its challenges. Which can be quite difficult at times.

Many situations, and even people, come our way that we simply don’t understand. We ask ourselves, why is everything so complicated? Why do we allow minor things to become major incidents which can then ruin a whole day?

Our lives are rarely just stationary. We are riding the waves. We experience ebbs and flows. Good with the bad. Negative with the positive. Simple with the complicated. It all works together.

God didn’t promise us a life without struggles, pain, or tears. What would the sea be without its ebbs and flows? Without the wind and waves? Sunshine and rain? We need it all for balance, growth, and fulfillment. And we need God to help us make sense of it all.

God didn’t say life would be easy but he did say he wouldn’t leave those who love him. I am trusting in him to help me to always envision the bigger picture rather than focusing on the meaningless trials of this moment.

Before getting caught up in the ugliness of a situation, I suggest questions to ask oneself. Is this really important in the scheme of things? How important is it to God? Will this cause needless pain to another?

Patience, compassion, love for one another. That’s what’s truly important. ♥️

Andi

Photos: all from Maine, 2017 and 2019

Today is the fourth anniversary since the creation of this blog, coffeewithandi. Not including this new year, I’ve posted 813 times. There were 13,502 views; 5,626 visitors; and approximately 329,400 words written. (In all fairness, during difficult times in my life, I critiqued, edited, and reposted old posts, which are included in these totals.)

This is truly very exciting to me because, you see, if I would have looked at the big picture, it never would have been created. All those big numbers would have shut me down.

On the day of my first post, January 25, 2020, if I had known on that day that by the end of that year, I need to post 162 times and write 88.7 thousand words, I would have failed that day. The mountain would’ve looked too high and the ocean just way too deep.

I have learned (mostly the hard way) that my life needs to be walked in bits at a time. One week at a time. One day at a time. And often one minute at a time.

So today I rejoice that I didn’t walk away from the challenge of writing, and continuing to write. I still have so much inside this head that wants/ needs to come out. Hopefully, I’ll continue for many more years.

But, truthfully, if I didn’t have readers (and from all over the world), I would have given up as well. I now have 169 followers. So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for reading my posts and still coming back for more. Thank you for referring my blog to others and for your likes and comments. I just can’t thank you enough. ♥️

Here’s to another four years!

♥️

Andi

I walked through two devotions this morning and they both discussed the importance of the Holy Spirit in our lives. That made me consider myself. I embrace God and Jesus but I tend to overlook the third person in that holy trinity.

The Holy Spirit is God dwelling within believers. But what is his purpose? Why is he so easily overlooked? I will spend time this week reflecting on those questions and my need to embrace all three.

I believe the devotions this morning were intentional and direct (by the Holy Spirit, perhaps?) for me to examine my spiritual life just a little closer.

♥️

Andi

Photo: flight home from Jamaica several years ago.

♥️

Andi

Photos: pictures were taken off a very old bridge in the fall of 2020. The bridge has since been replaced with a new modern bridge.

Grief is one of the hardest things in this life to grasp and understand. Realistically, it is a part of life. Anyone with a heart cannot escape it. Grief cuts us to the core. It disrupts our entire life on a daily basis. And it appears to be never-ending.

Everyone handles grief differently, but the similarities can draw us together for comfort.

Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life. ~ Maria V. Snyder

I am no stranger to grief or the grieving process. Before I can recoup from one experience, I am forced to accept another.

Stop punishing yourself for being someone with a heart. You cannot protect yourself from suffering. To live is to grieve. You are not protecting yourself by shutting yourself off from the world. You are limiting yourself. ~ Leigh Bardugo

My sweet mother died at the age of 74. That’s only eleven years from where I am now. Way too young. One year later, my best friend of 30+ years died suddenly at age 54. My dad passed away almost three years ago. Matt died seven months ago. There have been others too tucked in-between those years. Grief is tough. And it seems so unfair.

There are many directions I could have gone with this post about grief. I could go straight to scripture and talk about Jesus and how he grieved over the death of Lazarus. He knew the fragility of life and he felt grief every bit as we do. But this morning I chose to lookup quotes on grief. Here are a few that spoke to me.

But sometimes, unexpectedly, grief pounded over me in waves that left me gasping; and when the waves washed back, I found myself looking out over a brackish wreck which was illumined in a light so lucid, so heartsick and empty, that I could hardly remember that the world had ever been anything but dead. ~ Donna Tartt

Have you ever thought you might be finally coming around when all of a sudden you see a gorgeous sunset, a cherished photo, hear a special song, or get a whiff of a familiar smell, and it almost drops you to your knees with a stabbing ache to your heart? You feel as though you cannot possibly take another breath. All of a sudden you are in the past, reliving that very moment of death all over again. I have experienced this again and again.

So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

This is so true! And it even pertains to a beloved pet. When we love, we eventually grieve. Sadly, it is the price we pay.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to. ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

I have learned something of great value from each person who has passed. I cling to these beautiful lessons. I grow and I become a better person. I will never, ever be the same, and actually, I am glad for that.

…the sad part is, that I will probably end up loving you without you for much longer than I loved you when I knew you. Some people might find that strange. But the truth of it is that the amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person, is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them. ~ Ranata Suzuki

TRUTH.

You cannot die of grief, though it feels as if you can. A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor. How dare I feel happy. How dare I be glad in a world where my father is no more. And then you cry fresh tears, because you do not miss him as much as you once did, and giving up your grief is another kind of death. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Grief hurts. There’s no getting around it.

Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream. ~ Euripides

Oh, how I’ve wished this!

There once was a girl who found herself dead. She peered over the ledge of heaven and saw that back on earth her sister missed her too much, was way too sad, so she crossed some paths that would not have crossed, took some moments in her hand, shook them up and spilled them like dice over the living world.

It worked.

The boy with the guitar collided with her sister.

“There you go, Len,” she whispered. “The rest is up to you.”

~ Jandy Nelson

I can certainly relate to that above story. God sent someone to me to soothe my brokenness. And I do the same for him. This is a gift from God that I will not turn my back on or refuse to accept.

So this is how I choose to deal with grief…just as written in the poem below. There is such a connection between my heart and nature. I find my greatest peace there.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.

~ Mary Elizabeth Frye

♥️

Andi

Photos: Last night as I was driving to pick my daughter up from work, I pulled over to watch this sunset. I am drawn to sunsets and their uniquenesses. This one was beyond breathtaking and my photos do not do it justice.

John14:1 Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.

John 14:2 In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?

John 14:3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

John 14:4 And you know the way to where I am going.

John 14:5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?

John 14:6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

Today may you find yourself just one little step closer to Jesus. Believe…♥️

Andi

Photo: a gorgeous rose in my garden

Seeking God with all your heart. What does that mean…with all your heart?

I believe it’s walking through your day with a conscious and purposeful awareness of God. I believe it’s dwelling on his will and his desires for your life. It is an intentional effort on your part to draw closer to him and to allow him to speak to you and work in your life.

With all your heart is a decision. As with any love we know, to love is always a conscious decision. Falling in or out of love are decisions. Loving God, seeking God, serving God…all decisions.

Make the decision to seek God with all your heart. Not just during convenient times, but all times.

Have a blessed day! ♥️

Andi

Photo: a warm, sunny walk on a pathway near my home, August 19, 2020

i walk down a wintery path

in silence i reflect

on the many lives i’ve lived

and of the many hats i’ve worn

…and i wonder

how do i feel about it all?

i look upward into a snowy sky

i enjoy the touch of snowflakes upon my lashes and upon my cheek

and for that moment, i am a little girl of nine

when my dreams of a storybook love first began

…and i wonder

how do i feel about it all?

my head spins as i travel

through the many years

of happy moments

and of the saddest of times

of now realizing the true meaning of lonely

and of knowing the true meaning of love.

sitting in my gazebo, i listen to the silence of the snow

which is broken only by a heavy beat of a scarred heart

and a breath that freezes from my lips

and i realize the fragility of the human spirit

and how that sometimes (many times)

life just isn’t fair.

i walk the wintery path toward home

and i’m met by my delightful offspring

who’ve only just begun their earthly journey

how can i teach them of love and of heartbreak

…when i wonder

how do i feel about it all?

I once wrote a lot of poetry. Many of which, I did not keep…much to my dismay. My poetry was a journal of sorts. I wrote this poem on January 19, 2013. It is a favorite of mine because I recall vividly my feelings of that day and time in my life. And I miss the times my young children would run to greet me, whether I was returning from the store or from a snowy walk in the woods. Time doesn’t stand still but writing a post in this blog, or a heartfelt poem, brings back to me a piece of yesterday.

♥️

Andi

Photos: my once-upon-a-time gazebo where I wrote much of this poem

In good times, bad times, and questionable times, God is our refuge. Our anxieties come from fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not being able to handle all that is before us.

Fear. Fear. Fear.

Just as when God handed Joshua the keys to the new land after Moses had died. It was a great task to now be the leader of God’s people. Joshua probably felt lost without Moses with whom he had walked beside for quite a while. Joshua must have been fearful because God told him several times not to fear and to be courageous. Joshua 1:1-9.

Fear not. Be courageous. God is our refuge. ♥️

Andi

A fellow blogger included a picture of Joker with a recent post. It reminded me of my son and I told her I would post about him.

So my son, Ezekiel, has a dream to be a voice actor. He can replicate many MANY voices to a “t”. Once when he riding in the seat behind me as I was driving our van, he became the Joker. The Heath Ledger Joker. He scared me so much I almost stopped the van to make him get out. Ha!

His voices are not all dark and scary like this guy. He can do many fun, happy characters as well. I’m pretty proud of him and hopefully he will make his dream a reality.

I’ve included links to videos of his voice acting skills.

I love this boy. ♥️

Andi

Sometimes we become unbalanced. You say (or write) one thing, but then your life shows a completely different picture; a side of you that isn’t quite as stable as how you’ve projected to others. Is that a sign of weakness or of being a hypocrite? Maybe. But I don’t believe it is in every case.

Sometimes your life is like a dart board where everyone and everything is focused on jabbing your center. It’s hard to stay strong when you can barely see who all is aiming at you because you are getting hit so often and so hard.

I am one of those people. I can help others with strong, sometimes wise, and encouraging words, yet I can be totally blown off course too. I’m human like that. Then I find myself in the midst of all kinds of negativity. And I can truly be my own worst enemy.

I suffer from:

Insecurities.

Negative body image.

Unworthiness.

Negative self-talk

Unforgiving.

Emotional eating.

And…I struggle to love myself.

I wonder how could I love myself when significant others in my past couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t. What was it about me that made me so unloveable, so unworthy. There has to be a reason why, right? Well…I believed them without ever knowing why. That’s me. Gullible. Naive. Trusting to a fault.

Tonight I chose to open up and talk to my friend. I poured out all my ugliness and laid it out for him to see. And you know what? He didn’t find it ugly in the least bit. He spoke encouraging words. He lifted me up and helped to put things in perspective. He didn’t shame me or make me feel I was bothering him with nonsense. He shared his thoughts about those who pained me in my past. He brought some balance to this off-balanced girl.

Balance. This is why in God’s design of the human race he created us to need each other. Humans were not designed to run solo.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll brush myself off and get back in the saddle. I will start by writing out the many positives in my life, and stop dwelling on the negatives and my past pain. I will find my strength.

If someone in my past couldn’t love me…just maybe it wasn’t about me. I am very far from perfect but maybe I’ve made it more about me when really it was about their own insecurities and pain. I will never know for sure.

As a reminder to you, when I write these posts, I write with myself first in mind. I have a great need to hear these things. I’ve said this many times: If I can connect with just one person, maybe that person will realize they are not alone. I don’t ever want someone to feel alone in their struggles and pain. That’s why I share mine. If I can connect with you, that’s just awesome.

I’m thankful to God for strategically placing people in my life at all the right times. God is so good.

Goodnight. ♥️

Andi

January 6, 2024, is a day of great honor for one of my dearest friends, and adopted brother, Bruce.

Bruce was a wrestler in Waukegan (West) High School in Illinois. We graduated in 1979, so we’ve been out of school 45 years this year. Remember that…45 years.

Even though Bruce and I started out in the same schools in Illinois, my family transferred to another city, in another state, in my junior year of high school. Later, my family transferred again to North Carolina without me because I was married. It was then that my brother happened to be driving through a NC neighborhood when he stopped a man who was mowing his yard. He thought the man looked familiar. Well, he was definitely familiar! It was Bruce! Bruce had also moved from Illinois to North Carolina. What was the chance of that?! Well they reconnected and then my brother helped me to reconnect with Bruce, who at the time, was a radio DJ.

Later in life, Bruce and I helped each other through some very tough places and those events changed our lives for the better and brought us even closer. Bruce adopted me as his sister, and I adopted him.

When I went to Italy in 2012, he prepared me with old coins and wishes for the Trevi Fountain in Rome. He and his wife gave me the old coins, a book to help with translation, and a cross necklace. I think he was more excited about my trip than I was!

Today we share pictures of our pups and grandkids. He is an awesome person to have in your corner of the world. Everyone should have a Bruce.

Well, last fall I received this message from Bruce (emphasis mine):

Just got a message. I’m going to be inducted into the Waukegan Sports Hall of Fame!!

Highest team scoring wrestler in Waukegan West history,

Highest record in Waukegan High School wrestling for a heavyweight,

Highest team scoring record for a heavyweight wrestler in Waukegan…of all time.

And that induction ceremony was held yesterday, January 6th., in Waukegan, IL.

I cannot be any more proud of Bruce than I am today. He’s held some of those records since he was a sophomore. You do the math. That’s nothing short of amazing.

Congratulations, Bruce! I can honestly say, “I knew you when!”

♥️

Andi

Original Post: February 14, 2021. Edited.

One very sunny, but chilly winter day I ran to the grocery store. I picked up a few things and got in line at the checkout counter. This was long before there were self-checkouts and at a time when a pandemic was something you only read about in a science fiction book. This particular day was the during the good old days when you weren’t afraid to talk to one another.

I got in line behind an older woman whom I recognized. At first I could not place her. I remembered her kind face though. It wasn’t until later that I recalled that I had seen her at church I visited often and then remembered too that she had owned a restaurant in town for a bit. My life then was all about kids (six of them) so many people were only acquaintances to me. I had some behind-the-scenes struggles as well that kept me distracted and distanced from others.

This woman’s name was Julie.

Julie talked to me with such kindness as we stood in line. She asked about my family and my many kids. I realize now that my head was so wrapped around children and what to make for lunch after church services that I didn’t visit with others like maybe I should have. Julie knew way more about me than I knew of her and she seemed to think highly of me. I don’t know why. We were at different stages in life then. As an older woman now myself, maybe I’m able to observe more detail in others as well. I also believe she was intuitive enough to see that I had some struggles going on in my life.

As we talked I admired her very colorful scarf. It looked heavy and warm and really soft. I told her how pretty it was. She told me that she had made it and explained how easy it was to do. It was then her turn to checkout and we said our goodbyes. I paid my bill and headed out to my suburban.

As I was unloading the cart into my car, I was pleasantly surprised to see Julie approach me. She said, “I want you to have this”, and she took the scarf off from around her neck and lovingly wrapped it around mine. She then gave me a warm hug and off she went.

I will never forget that moment. I’ll never forget her kindness or her love expressed through a simple scarf. Her warm gesture spoke volumes. She was a great encouragement to me that day and my spirits were lifted. And I realized too that you never know who is watching over you and paying attention to detail. I cherish this scarf and wear it often as it is a reminder that heavenly love walks upon this earth.

I’ve heard that she’s passed away now and that makes me sad. I wish I knew more about her. It was a goal to meet her again and visit. But that’s another lesson for another day. Don’t put matters of the heart off for another day. What she did for me that day no words can adequately express. But God knows. And that’s most important of all. She was an angel sent to me when I needed her. I think of her every time I wear this scarf, yet it’s so much more than just a scarf. It’s love that keeps me warm. Thank you, Julie.

Be grateful for the simplest gestures of love, compassion, and encouragement. ♥️

Andi

Original Post: August 22, 2021. Edited.

Words just can’t express the joy that enters the home when a baby arrives. There’s nothing like a baby or two, or even six, to fill a home with love. My first three bundles of joy were born in the hospital. The last three were born at home. Yeah, I’m a trooper like that.

From the moment of conception you become a parent. When my daughter-in-law was pregnant with their first child, I watched how she held her expanding tummy, and it warmed my heart to hear her say how much she loved taking care of her baby. And she was (and still is) doing just that. She is a parent. And she will never be anything less.

We spend the next 18+ years nurturing our offspring. We make sure their physical needs are met and that they grow up with healthy attitudes and ideals. We make sure if they don’t know an answer to a question that they know how to find it. We wipe noses, say prayers, sing lullabies, discipline, reward, plant butterfly kisses on sleepy cheeks, play endless boardgames, give them chores, kiss boo-boos, correct their slouching, go to all their ballgames, pray a ton more, teach them respect…ohhhhhh, that list never ends. And with each birthday comes even more challenges and learning processes, for both parent and child.

The reason for our existence for the next several decades is children, it seems. And all through those years we’ve laughed with them. We’ve cried with them. Fought for them. Praised them and cheered them on. We watched them have fun with their friends. We saw how sometimes they were treated unfairly. We pay attention to how they treat others. We feel everything they feel.

I once wrote a post called Pieces of My Soul and it relates to this post. Each child seems to receive an actual part of our heart/soul when they come into our world. And, truthfully they are pieces of us, so with that, we share many things in common. Feeling their every emotion is part of being a parent.

When a child hits a home run, we feel that excitement as though we were the one holding the bat. And we feel it intensely.

When a child is praised we feel that.
When a child is bullied we feel that as well. When a child makes bad decisions we feel every bit of the repercussions.
When a child is honored we share in that feeling of being lifted up.

So with all this shared emotion, just how happy is a parent?

There is barely a line between us and them…if there’s even a separation at all. And when you have more than one child it gets even more complicated. That’s a lot of emotion to carry. There is no turn-off valve as a parent or an age when a child no longer owns that portion of your heart.

I had a friend respond to that post Pieces of My Soul. He shared with me something that his father used to say and what he said is exactly the explanation I needed for my own knowledge and for my own peace of mind…that I’m not actually crazy.

A parent is only as happy as his most unhappiest child.

Ready that again.

A parent is only as happy as his most unhappiest child.

TRUTH.

Ask a parent or grandparent if this isn’t so. I believe it to be absolutely true.

There are those who do not understand my ebbs and flows, my ups and downs, or my rhymes and reasons. I always look like one hot mess to them (and I am) and enough that people have tried to protect me from hard things. That’s because I appear to be frail and unable to handle stress well.

I’m not frail in the sense of my inability to cope. When you review my past you see that I have survived many things. I think more appropriately I should not be confused with being frail but of one who loves with her whole being. Sensitive. A parent who feels every bit of what her kids feel. A sponge that absorbs every bit of everything.

When a child suffers from depression, depression becomes a part of us. Same with joy and happiness. We are interwoven. I didn’t even fully understand why I feel the way I do until I read this.

A parent is only as happy as his most unhappiest child.

I cannot be protected from life, nor should I be. This is who I am. If I am unhappy…just maybe I have a struggling child. If I’m ecstatic on another day…just maybe one of my kids received good news. I have six kids. Yes, my emotions might be all over the map. Okay, they are all over the map. My heart is trying to keep up. Add that to all of my own personal experiences and well…yes, I am a hot mess.

I love deeply and with my whole being. I am interconnected and interwoven with the children I bore. I would never chose to be less than that even though my life is tougher because of it.

A parent’s happiness is complicated for sure. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Maybe with this simple understanding, life will be a tad bit easier for all of us.

Just love me for who (how) I am. ♥️

Andi

Link to Pieces of My Soul: https://coffeewithandi.com/2021/08/03/pieces-of-my-soul/

Tomorrow is a new year. A brand new spotless year. Crisp, white pages of the next chapter of our lives, not yet marred by sadness or defeat. No sin or shame has darkened its pages. No eraser marks for do-overs. No white-out to cover what we want to forget. Crisp, clean, white pages.

But today is New Year’s Eve, a day of reflection for me. I use every New Year’s Eve to reflect upon the past year. Every year is unit of measurement of my life.

How did I fare? What have I learned? Am I a better person today than 365 days ago? Have I met goals? Did I help others? Have I been a good example to others? Have I brought anyone closer to God? Am I still walking with Jesus? Have I caused strife, or was I a peacemaker? Where do I need to focus my efforts in this new year?

All of these (and more) are intricate parts of this unit of measurement in my life.

Sometimes I am quite melancholy on New Year’s Eve because often it’s felt as though I am leaving an old friend and I struggle with leaving that friend. This year, though, was one of the most trying of all years. There have been tough work-related issues. Really tough ones. And family issues filled with big changes. But on the other hand, I joyfully reconnected with girlfriends from high school. And I’ve watched my grandchildren blossom from babies to toddlers to mini adults.

But experiencing love and then losing the battle to keep that love alive was the ultimate life-changing event for me. God brought together people who had never met before and under very trying circumstances. Very difficult, awkward, and painful lessons were presented. And how we handled those lessons, I believe, were indicators of the status of our hearts and personal relationships with God. I had to examine myself closely many times during those days. I also believe that God gave us these particularly hard lessons because he felt each of us was ready, and that perhaps, Christian growth was needed in our lives. I personally know this to be true in my case.

This summer wasn’t just about Matt leaving us. No, there was so much more to it. But first is acceptance of this decision to be God’s will. God’s will, and his timing, are always perfect. It’s understanding that God wasn’t being vindictive, mean, or unfair. He presented us with difficult challenges for sure. And with those challenges, what did we learn, and how will we use what we’ve learned to honor God?

Even with all the tears, strife, and heartache of this past year, the highs outweigh the lows, even in death. For me, my world opened up to include more people to love and care for. And for that, I’m grateful.

So I am moving forward to a new year. I leave nothing behind. All the life lessons that I learned, the growth in my spiritual life, and all the love of this year will go with me. Death cannot steal the past or erase what was.

A year is a unit of measure to break down my life into smaller, clearly visible portions. This makes my life’s journey easier to reflect upon. I can see where I’ve traveled so far, where I need to make improvements to the path I walk, and then the careful direction, or redirection, of my steps as I enter into the unknown of a new year.

And on a sweet note, as this year began to come to a close, God graciously presented someone special to walk beside me into this new year. And I am beyond grateful and filled with joy.

So, in closing my last post of the year, thank you for being present in my life. Thank you for the encouragement over the past year, along with the love and support you’ve given me along the way. Thank you for reading my wordy thoughts and still coming back for more. Just thank you for a blessed year. I appreciate you all.

Be well. Be safe. Love God and be filled with gratitude. Everything else will fall into place.

♥️

Andi

Written September 16, 2013

In the night, as I sit alone in my room, I think of many things. Not that I can solve the world’s problems because I cannot even solve my own. But I am a thinker. It’s what I do.

Tonight my thoughts are a tangled web of what if, why, I’m scared. I hurt, I want more, I need more, I feel caged, and I can’t breathe. Anxiety, at its best.

And as I sit here on my bed, I find myself both paralyzed and restless. Unsettled, in every sense of the word. And then…just as the nighttime chill from my open window brushes against my skin, words from an old, musty poetry book whisper to my soul. It is at this moment, a peace settles over me. I realize that not only am I a thinker (and a fidgety one at that). I am a dreamer. I am a wanderer. I am a searcher. And I am not alone.

A few years ago, I read a poem written by the late James Kavanaugh. That poem led me to read another of his poems, and then another, until I quickly realized what an amazing writer this man was, and while I don’t agree with all his thoughts, he became my favorite poet. He was a searcher, as am I.

“Some people do not have to search – they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned. They do not seem to ask much of life, sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them – seldom do they understand me. I am one of the searchers.” ~James Kavanaugh (an excerpt from the introduction to his book, “There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves”, 1970)

I understand, and share in his sentiment, in all 285 beautifully written words in his introduction. He spoke what is on my heart. In this post, I will share my own heartfelt thoughts, personal interpretation, and examine a little further into who I am as a searcher. I believe, to most, I am a complex being. Maybe even troublesome. Considering that I am also a Gemini, that may very well be true. To me, I am simple, but I will compromise and say, I’m simply complex.

I find myself drawn to the beauty of nature. I am overwhelmed at the variety of life found in the depths of a forest, captivated by the ever-changing personality of the Great Lakes, and mesmerized by the movement of an ocean. I’m in awe of the view from a mountaintop, intrigued by the connection of every living creature to each other, grateful of the purposeful design of life, and renewed with every sunrise; having a strong desire to wander this earth, often off the beaten path, in search of things not seen before.

Searchers…

We are happy with the simple things in life. But to others, we are complex. Maybe because we appear to be unsettled. And, well, maybe we are to a certain extent. Many may not understand the way in which we dream, as they are often content with their own lives of defining rules, expectations, and boundaries. And that’s perfectly okay. It’s a place of safety and surety. We, on the other hand, are restless souls. What’s out there for us to capture, feel, and explore? Searchers seek to fill a void and, of course, find answers to their many questions concerning life. We enjoy the mysteries of life.

We are explorers and adventurers, romantics and skeptics. Always searching for answers, and rhymes to our reasons. Struggling with answers that are not clearly defined. Looking for alternative ways to present the same question in order to find an answer that seems the closest to truth, because searchers desperately desire truth.

We desire to be loved deeply. We long for a love that appreciates the wanderer in us. One that embraces our uniqueness, is intrigued by our ability to love, respectful of our busy minds and of our curious nature. A love that appreciates humor and laughter. One that doesn’t stifle or criticize dreams and/or bucket lists. One that doesn’t create unreasonable boundaries to confine our spirit. But a love that appreciates a good adventure as well…if only in a dream.

Maybe we are an odd sort as we can find a kind of peace in being sad at times, and comfort in being alone, because we feel these are as important as any other aspect of the human spirit.

We feel deeply, and hurt easily. We wear our heart on our sleeve. Forgiveness typically comes easy for us and we have a tendency to forget. To our own detriment, we often share too much, and other times, we share too little. Our timing is off much of the time. We may appear wishy-washy but it’s just that our minds never stop. Sometimes we cannot keep up with our own thoughts.

We dream big, but have a tendency to live small, as we haven’t quite figured out details. But still, we can be quite content sitting among the dandelions in our own yard or admiring a busy bee. We love hard, and we fall hard too. Regardless, I wouldn’t want it any other way. To feel so deeply, even when it hurts, only means we are truly alive.

Searchers look at life as an adventure. Regardless of who you are, we all write our own journey. Life is incredibly short and there is much to do and explore. And to love. Looking back, I see a captive mind, a restless soul, who didn’t grasp the swiftness, or vastness, of life. Therefore, I didn’t use my time and energy as wisely as I could have/ should have. Here I am now in my early fifties, with the energetic mindset of an 18 year old, and a body that is no longer on the same page. Oh, I haven’t given up. I will never give up nor will I stop dreaming.

I will continue to cherish the searcher in me. The wanderer and the dreamer. For this is who I am and it keeps me happy and youngish. It’s not easy living with a wild mind that rarely sleeps. Actually, it is quite the contrary. Be grateful for who YOU are. You don’t need to be a searcher to live to YOUR life to its fullest. The diversity of people makes our world amazing.

Strive to be better than you were yesterday. Kinder, more loving, and forgiving. And always be grateful. ♥️

Andi

I had an experience recently where I realized I was feeling insecure. This is not a new emotion and I can recognize that “I am not enough” feeling …

The train of insecurity 12/28

A wonderful post by my blogger friend, Danielle. I needed this today. Maybe you do too. ♥️ Andi

My daughter, Charlie, called me an “uncultured swine” the other day.

Huh.

Can’t say I’ve ever been called that before.

Huh.

All because I didn’t know a line she quoted from Pride and Prejudice.

So I ordered a copy and will read it this winter. Unculture that….

♥️😊

Andi

Original post: February 11, 2020

“Forever that person who gets really excited when the sky is in pretty colors.” -unknown

This would be me for sure. The older I get, the more I love and appreciate nature, and rejoice in the simpler things of life. But mostly I’m drawn to the vastness and beauty of the sky. God’s canvas is an ever-changing masterpiece. Every sunrise, every sunset, and all the sky in-between have a beauty all it’s own. I hope the majority of those skies fill you with peace.

No matter where you are the sky is a constant. You can enjoy the beauty of it from a rocky mountain top or while kayaking through a river gorge. It’s not always brightly colored but it is always beautiful, and sometimes, mischievous.

When the skies are grey and heavy, I picture myself on a plane. As we take off and head upward, we pass through those clouds. And what do we find on the other side? The sun. Try to remember that, especially during the long, sunless winter months. The sun is always shining. We are only separated by clouds.

While I enjoy the early morning sunrise, I think I love sunsets best, but I’m really thankful I don’t have to choose between the two. I believe that sunsets over water are some of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen.

I am forever that person who appreciates the beauty of a changing sky. I hope you are too.

♥️

Andi

Another year is quickly coming to a close. That seems sad to me when I think about all that transpired in 2023…with its highs and lows, and the loss and the changes. But the choice is mine. I can enter the new year in sadness because death robbed me of someone special or I can rejoice in the treasures that developed from that loss…of which I’ve been blessed with many. I choose the latter.

So I’m moving forward into the new year with a grateful heart, a greater sense of belonging and purpose, and a future filled with love from all angles. A new beginning. I praise God for all these gifts.

I hope you take a moment to think about how blessings can be born from heartache. What heartache did you suffer this past year? What hardship? If neither, congrats. There were still lessons to be learned. Reflect on those.

Jesus walked this earth as a man and he understood the human side of pain. He cares for each one of us. Open your heart to see what gifts he’s given you. As odd as this may sound, sometimes we find comfort in pain. But know that God doesn’t want us to dwell there. He wants us to be an active part of his work here on earth. That doesn’t mean forgetting what we’ve lost. It means using the pain, heartache, and loss to help others. To teach, comfort, and love others.

Allowing God to heal our hearts and by appreciating his constant gifts is how we move forward.

So here’s to 2024…

May you recognize his blessings and embrace them. And may you walk happily into this new year with a new and greater sense of purpose and with much thankfulness. ♥️

Andi

Photo: my glass of champagne at a Maine wedding many years ago; cool internet photo

Every decision we make is a choice. How we treat others is a choice. How we react to something is a choice. How we live our life is a choice.

Today was my cousin’s funeral. She was a mere 52 years young and died from lung cancer even though she never smoked. She fought long and hard for a couple years. I never got to meet her and I wish I had. She sounds like she was an amazing woman.

Her funeral was playing live on my phone while I was at work. I tried to listen to what others were saying about her but I couldn’t hear everything because I had to take care of business at work. But one thing I did hear was how happy she was and how she embraced life and all that was good. She made people happy all around her. Three of her friends spoke during the service and although I didn’t get to hear much of what they had to say, I saw how much my cousin blessed their lives.

The officiant of the service said that she told him…joy is a choice. She made that decision to be joyful and she remained so even when she was in much pain and when she was aware that her time was rapidly coming to a close here on earth.

Joy is a choice.

Happiness is a choice.

Evil is a choice.

Patience is a choice.

Kindness is a choice.

Godliness is a choice.

Love is a choice.

How do we want to be remembered when we pass? I would love it if just one person would be able to say something good and positive about me.

Maybe a New Year’s resolution would be to make better life choices. I know I can improve in many ways.

Something to think about anyway.

♥️

Andi

Photo: a pathway near my home

As I was driving from the bank to Aldi’s this afternoon, I listened to I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe. It’s a wonderful song that makes me think. And as I was singing and driving (honestly, these are the only two things I am able to multitask), I started comparing what I can see and feel here on earth to what is waiting in Heaven. The joy I feel now…how will it compare to the joy, you know…up there?

I instantly felt the urge to write. So I parked my car at Aldi’s and wrote this post in the parking lot.

When I look into the eyes of my grandchildren, I see joy.

When I recall the chatter of my young children, I hear angels singing.

When I hold the hand of a loved one, I feel Jesus.

When I embrace love, my heart sings.

When I am in nature, my spirit renews.

And with every breath, my soul praises God.

These treasures make life here on earth bearable and they are as close to perfect as this earthly life can possibly grant us. As a human, I can only imagine what it will be like to walk the streets of gold with our savior. But, truthfully, I don’t think my imagination even comes close to understanding the reality of the beauty, and the peace, and the love in what awaits us there.

Just as the woman only touched the hem of Jesus’s garment, our comprehension only touches the hem of heaven. We can only imagine.

I embrace the blessings in this life. They are gifts from above that prepare us for even greater things.

♥️

Andi

Photos: a Florida sky; my grandson, Jack; my kids many years ago; holding Matt’s hand; embracing Ezekiel after the birth of his daughter; a walk on the pathway near my home; a sunset view from my backyard; internet.

Singing songs of praise this morning. ♥️

Andi

Photo: sunset view from my backyard, October 6, 2016

I got up this morning and went to let Nyx out and make coffee. And when I was walking around my kitchen I felt…well…short. Short as in un-tall. What’s up with that? No one was with me yet I felt short in comparison to everything around me. The cabinets, the counters, the fridge.

I’ve always been 5’10”. I think since kindergarten. Well, maybe not kindergarten but I always felt tall and towered over the boys throughout our school years. Especially the ones I liked.

When I was in junior high school in Waukegan, Illinois, periodically the gym teachers would combine the girls and boys classes for dancing. As awkward as it was at that age and because of my height, it was still exciting for this young girl. Would I be picked or would I be assigned someone?

Finding clothes that fit wasn’t easy. Sleeves and pant legs were always too short. Summers were great though because everything was really short in the ‘70’s and at that time I could pull it off.

I actually grew to love my height. The clothes manufacturers began designing clothes for tall women. Boys finally caught up to me and some even passed me up. So it all worked out.

But as time goes on the body changes. Even if you work hard at trying to maintain, it still changes. And today I feel short-er.

Several years ago, a nurse measured me at 5’9.5”. Okay. I’ll accept a half inch loss. But in May of this year the nurse measured me at 5’8”.

What…?

You’re 5, 8.

No, I’m 5, 9 and a half.

No, you’re 5, 8.

No, I’m not.

You’re 5, 8.

5, 9 and a half.

5, 8.

No, way.

Yes, way.

(Whisper behind her back…5, 9 and a half.)

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Please note that I have nothing against being short or short-er, but I finally had made peace with being tall after years of feeling like Sasquash. I do have an inversion table so maybe it’s time to utilize it. I’ll never be 5’10” again and that’s okay. But 5’8”…that’s kinda pushing it.

Regardless of how tall I actually am, I am feeling short this morning. And it feels both okay and weird at the same time.

Just sharing my silly thought with you this morning. Be grateful of who you are no matter what your height, or weight.

You are enough. ♥️

Andi

As I sit here alone in my decorated house, I am visited by the ghost of Christmas past. My life is much different now than what seems like only yesterday.

Johnny Mathis’s beautiful voice singing The Christmas Song, Winter Wonderland, and Silent Night brings back childhood memories of being at home with my parents and my brother and sister. Old time ribbon candy in the dish on the coffee table. The IBM Christmas parties. A visit to Aunt Gen’s. Choosing a real Christmas tree on Mom’s birthday every year.

An advent calendar hanging on the closet door with a sucker and a bell in each pocket marking the days until Christmas. A bell goes onto the fabric Christmas tree and a sucker goes into the mouth of whose-ever turn it is for that day. Has it really been that long ago? It doesn’t seem like it. I’m so sad that both my parents are gone now. That was certainly a difficult sentence to write…

Fast forward to Christmases with my own children. How magical those days were. And now I realize just how happy I was (and how safe I felt) having all six under one roof. Under one roof. With me.

Oh my…all the planning that went into making their holiday perfect. Stressful? Maybe so. But I wouldn’t trade one second of that time for anything. How I miss it all. My kids still talk about those days with great fondness. And I’m grateful that I was blessed enough to be able to do that for them. But in reality, it wasn’t only for their enjoyment. What a treasure it was for me to watch them.

The ghost of Christmas past has set a wave of warm emotion over me this afternoon. Both of happy and sad emotions. For the last ten years the holiday season has changed drastically. Fewer kids are home. Now I work around their new schedules which are shared with extended families. Gifts are few. (I had such fun shopping for them all those years ago.) The food is still great but the menu changes yearly. It’s not as traditional as when they were home.

One tradition, though, that has remained the same throughout the years is centered around a little white mouse happily sleeping in a tiny matchbox. Every year that little ornament is set aside until my son, Jet, arrives. Then he takes that sleeping mouse to the tree where he searches for the most perfect place for him next to a blue light. This makes me happy.

A melancholy afternoon. I’m still not so good with change even though change has brought some very beautiful people into my life. Like in-laws, grandchildren, new friends who I consider to be family, rekindled friendships, and now a wonderful man.

I am blessed.

I never will forget the Christmases of old. They are truly my most treasured memories.

The ghost of Christmas past really isn’t so scary. He keeps me from forgetting the most wonderful times in my life. ♥️

Andi

Original Post: July 10, 2020; edited.

When your heart is troubled,

…remember that God is still in control.

…invite a friend over for coffee.

…double up on prayer.

…take a nap. Or, two.

…find comfort that God knows your anguish.

…take a walk in nature.

…realize that life isn’t always fair.

…repot your plants, or buy a new one.

When your heart is troubled,

…rock away on your front porch swing.

…be reassured that not everyday will be this hard.

…pray for those you love.

…spend time with a child.

…spend time with the elderly.

…cry. It’s okay to cry.

…pray for your enemies.

…read the Bible.

…pet your dog.

…hug someone.

When your heart is troubled,

…ask God for understanding.

…write a poem. Or, perhaps, a blog.

…don’t lose hope.

…make a fruit pizza.

…ask God for a little more patience.

…sail the seven seas.

…continue to dream.

…pick some wildflowers.

…realize you may never have the answer.

…watch the sunset.

When your heart is troubled,

…tell someone you love them.

…remember that through patience, the best is worth waiting for.

…believe in God’s timing.

♥️

Andi

Photos: flower pictures were taken on the town square, July 8, 2020; porch swing with a glass of wine, July 2019; sailboats on Lake Michigan, September 2010; sunset, January 2020

I’m always in the middle of not just one thing, but several at a time, so it seems. Sometimes when I’m buried so deep I lose sight of what’s most important. Time spent in drama is not time well spent. So this morning I decided to spend much needed time with Jesus. My devotion this morning spoke about the strength found in God.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have been a hot mess at times. It hasn’t been easy to make decisions or figure things out on my own. As difficult as life has been I’ve survived so far. Not unscathed though, but that’s where the toughest life lessons are taught…and learned.

God can and will use people and situations to strengthen us when we are weak though. And he has been gracious enough to bring someone into my life to help me through more unfortunate events. And I am thankful.

Jeremiah 31:3 The LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

God doesn’t want us weak with discouragement. Take time to reflect on your relationship with Jesus. I discovered that my current issues separated me from him. And that’s not a good thing.

Reflection for the day: don’t allow life’s drama to bury your personal relationship with God. ♥️

Andi

You are not your age,

Nor the size of clothes you wear,

You are not a weight,

Or the colour of your hair.

You are not your name,

Or the dimples in your cheeks,

You are all the books you read,

And all the words you speak,

You are your croaky morning voice,

And the smiles you try to hide,

You’re the sweetness in your laughter,

And every tear you’ve cried,

You’re the songs you sing so loudly,

When you know you’re all alone,

You’re the places that you’ve been to,

And the one that you call home,

You’re the things that you believe in,

And the people that you love,

You’re the photos in your bedroom,

And the future you dream of,

You’re made of so much beauty,

But it seems that you forgot,

When you decided that you were defined,

By all the things you’re not. ~e.h.

We are all defined in one way or another, whether we’ve accomplished something noteworthy or not. And we will be defined by others regardless if their definition of us is valid or not. Sometimes that hurts.

Be careful how you define others. People are fragile. And be mindful of what you do and say that could potentially be used to define you.

♥️

Andi

Sometimes you have to stop chasing the dream so it can find you. ~ Andi

The last four years of my life I didn’t allow myself to be involved in a relationship. That was my choice which I still believe was for good reason. Reasons, of which, I am still discovering. During those four years I was able to grow. I learned patience. I became a kinder person. The rough edges of my soul began to soften. My heart began heal. And I was filled with gratitude. I began feel everything with greater depth than I ever have before.

I began to appreciate nature all the more as well. I fell in love with the ever-changing sky, the brilliant sun, and the beautiful wildflowers that line the pathway near my home. I grew to love the breezes that kiss my face and do wild things with my hair. And I fell deeply in love with the quietness found only in nature…where I grew closer to God.

Those four years of great self-discovery ended in June. Not that I will cease learning important things about myself because I will continue. But those years were specifically designed purposefully to bring me to this moment in time. I believe this with all my heart. In September, I finally found peace and closure. I still wasn’t looking for a relationship, but my heart was opened.

Then there was a man who lived on the other side of town with a story of his own and God watched over him with great compassion. His wife had passed away three years ago and he protectively guarded his heart and all the love within it.

In September though this man felt he was perhaps ready so he began to pray that God might bring to him a companion to fill the void in his life. He still wasn’t looking, but his heart was now open.

When you least expect it….

God graciously works through people. And he did so in this story. He used my daughter who loved this man and her momma so much that she felt the two needed to know each other. So she that’s what she did. She brought them together.

God’s timing is perfection. You cannot force anything and end up with good results. I know. Patience is a virtue.

When you least expect it….

Thankfully, that encounter was not the end of the story. It was truly only the beginning of something quite wonderful indeed. ♥️

Andi

Photo: a Maine wave, October 2019

I was gently reminded last night by one of my very best friends, Michele, that a man who is at peace right where he’s at…is a gift. And she couldn’t be more right.

I was once married to a man who felt the only way to his happiness was if he saw as many patients in a day that his doctor friend saw, or if he had X amount of dollars in the bank. Never mind that he had a wife and four amazing kids and two brilliant step-sons. Or that we lived in a very beautiful home on 26 acres of wooded hills and trails, which was a dream. But he wasn’t happy. Being a loud presence in our home, his unhappiness affected all of us.

We tend to look for peace in many places, far and wide, when most generally it’s right where we are. Or, it can be, if we would just realize what matters most.

I have walked this earth as a restless spirit trying desperately to discover where I need to find my peace. When my kids were very young, I finally came to terms with being a mom. Prior to that, there was an internal battle going on inside of me when is it my time? Once I realized motherhood was right where God wanted me to be a weight was lifted and I found some internal peace. Although the restless spirit was calmed, it didn’t go completely away as our home was in disarray. But that’s another story for another day. Maybe.

Like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, she realized that her heart’s desire was no further away than her own backyard.

Finding peace where you are is a gift. Finding a man who is at peace right where he’s at is a gift to be treasured. 💝

Andi

At this time of year, many of us get into the rhythm of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. We are busy with parties, get-togethers, baking days, watching holiday movies, drives through Christmases in parks, shopping for gifts, etc.

But during this fast-pace holiday season, let’s not lose sight of God’s design for gift-giving.

1 Peter 4:10

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace…

This verse is about a specific gift or a talent that you have been graciously given by God in order to serve others in your unique way. By serving others, you serve God.

So what is your gift?

Can you communicate well with others? Do you open your home in hospitality? Are you able to care for those who are unable to care for themselves? Can you give time or monetary gifts to the needy? Do you write, sing, or preach? Can you use your specific skills to help another, such as winterizing their home. Are you a good listener? Can you read to a shut-in?

It’s a blessing to know what your gift is. Some of you may have more than one. But how you use your gift is what matters most to God. Keeping it to yourself does not bring God’s goodness out into the world.

During this holiday season, let’s not lose sight of what is most important. Serving God through our own personal capacities is what matters…all year long.

Enjoy your time with family and friends because this can be a fun season. Just remember that it’s not fun for many. So listen carefully to what others are not saying. Be that one to share your gift with them…whatever your special gift may be. ♥️

Andi

Photo: Sunset at St. Pete Beach, FL, March 2021

In the wee hours of the morning, by the light of my woodland tree, I came up with a short list of why we give to others. Not sure why this came to mind, but okay. I’ll write about it. I’m sure I’ve left out some major reasons. I’m just running with four reasons that popped into my head this morning.

My first thought was of giving out of obligation. An example of why we feel obligated would might be as in a monetary collection towards a gift for your employer. While you are not necessarily obligated, peer pressure often weighs a lot. Or, maybe you feel obligated to help a relative who is hard on their luck because of bad life choices. Just a couple of examples.

Giving because of dedication was my second thought. This would be as a father and mother are dedicated to each other, to their children and household. You might give because of dedication to your parents and/or siblings, and church family too.

Gratefulness is a big reason for giving. My first thought is in my gratitude to God for sending us Jesus, and for forgiving me of all the sin that has separated me from God over the years…which, sadly, continues because I am such a human.

But because of my thankfulness, I desire to give to others. And while that might not always be monetarily, I do try to find ways to serve others in one capacity or another. But where I am most comfortable in giving is through writing.

Romantic…ahhhh, romantic gestures of giving. Romantic giving should never be under the guise of obligation. When I worked for a florist, I felt sorry for many of the men who visited our store in preparation for Valentine’s Day. They felt obligated to spend a ton of money (when they didn’t have it) on their girl because she expected it. They didn’t want her to be mad. They didn’t want to be thrown into the doghouse again, as some men had confided in me. And they definitely didn’t want to give her a reason to talk smack about him to her friends on the 15th. Girls often do that, ya know.

Valentine’s Day, in my opinion, is not your ideal romantic holiday. Especially, when you have callers who send exact bouquets to their wife and to their mistress. Yeah, that’s pretty romantic, don’t ‘cha think? Romantic giving doesn’t require a holiday.

Romantic giving is giving from the heart. You simply do it without reservation because your heart says ‘this is a good thing’. And if you listen to your heart and give with love, probably more often than not, it will be received in love.

These are my random thoughts this morning. It feels great to be writing again. ♥️

Andi

The most important gifts in my life are: Jesus, the love of family and friends, and nature – where I feel the closest to God. I am blessed with the ability to express myself through the written word as well. And I am so very grateful.

I am blessed. ♥️

Andi

Photo: my photo taken a couple of years ago.

The sky never ceases to amaze me. In fact, several of us had to step outside tonight to see the unique ring around the moon. Next to the moon is Jupiter which looks like a bright star just slightly northeast of the moon. God was so creative in his every design.

God gave us extra “stuff” to beautify our lives. How great is he? ♥️

Andi

Photos: my son, Jet, took these

With a grateful heart, today my table will be seated with those whom I love and care for.

With a welcoming heart, I will open my home to those who have recently touched my life.

With a blessed heart, I will watch and listen to the interactions between my family and new acquaintances.

With a joyful heart, I will gather my grand babies into my arms and listen to their excited stories and I’ll sing their silly songs.

With a loving heart, I will embrace the lives of each person present.

With a sad heart, I will be missing loved ones who are not be able to share this day with us in person.

With a forgiving heart, I will not allow past hurt to overshadow a single moment.

With a thankful heart, I will praise Jesus for bringing family and new friends together for a bountiful meal of thanksgiving.

With a grateful heart, I will reflect on just how richly blessed my life is because of God.

♥️

Andi

Photo: autumn dried sedum off my deck

I was cleaning up the kitchen after my daughter and her boyfriend made three pumpkin pies last night for our Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I was watching a Hallmark Christmas movie called Take Me Back for Christmas while I cleaned up flour that appeared to have exploded in my kitchen.

By the time I had the counters cleaned and dishes running in the dishwasher it was nearing the end of the movie. It was then I heard a comment that plucked a heartstring.

In the movie the main character wished for a different life. That new life meant she lost her man but gained her mom who had passed away in real life.

When it was about time for her to come back to reality she had a chance to say goodbye to her mom. This was without her mom knowing she was actually saying goodbye, of course.

They talked about several things and then the daughter asked her about saying goodbyes. Her mom responded with, “without goodbyes there can be no beginnings”.

How true that is.

I had to say a very heartbreaking goodbye this summer. It was felt and understood by both of us. It wasn’t easy. Nor was it what I would have chosen. But without that goodbye I would not have a chance for a new beginning. He has a new beginning, as well, in a glorious place we simply cannot comprehend.

Goodbyes. As difficult as they are, they push us into the future. And if Jesus is with us there, our future just might be more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. ♥️

Andi

Photos: a place where love is held deep within my heart, November 18, 2023.

I can hardly explain this year with all its highs and lows. I’ve never experienced one quite like it before. 2023 will forever stand out in my heart.

My personal walk with Matt through his sickness and then through his passing, heightened my awareness of God and the very presence of Jesus in every single moment of our lives. For that, I am so grateful.

Matt taught me much about life and love, which I will carry throughout my life. I am forever grateful to him.

I have received the blessings of extended family because of Matt, as well. I will cherish these people all the days of my life. I am ever-so thankful.

My middle son came home to us after being deathly ill in another country. I know this could have ended differently, but it didn’t. With his every embrace, I thank God for making him whole again. And I am so very proud of his compassion and accomplishments.

My brother was diagnosed with leukemia. But this particular cancer can be managed with medication and he can live a normal life. Praising God.

My youngest daughter went through the worst heartache of her life, but she came out on top. As her mom, I felt pretty helpless. But knowing my life and the pain I’ve gone through, I knew she’d learn from this and move forward. We are survivors. I’m thankful for hard lessons.

My middle daughter moved away just a couple of weeks ago. Far, far away. But our hearts are extremely close. No amount of miles will ever separate us completely. And I rejoice that she’s doing something for herself and that she includes me in her daily life. I am so proud of her and thankful for her beautiful spirit.

My daughter-in-law went through a great deal of agony with my son’s illness and her dad’s life-changing accident. She’s a beautiful asset to this family and a strength to my son and their daughter. My life is greatly blessed with her in it.

My oldest daughter is a beautifully attentive mommy and wife. She still comes to me for advice which brightens my days. She is a pillar of strength and love to her family. I couldn’t be more proud of her. I am thankful for the woman she is.

I’m thankful for my oldest son who sends me messages from afar. He has his heart of gold as he tries to help others, even at his own expense. He has a spirit of giving and I am grateful for that.

My youngest son has shown a great amount of strength this year as he has taken on challenges that most men would walk away from. His life is very difficult but his ultimate goal is to please God. I am grateful for the man he is.

My grand babies are growing up and their personalities are beginning to shine. They touch the deepest part of me. I am so blessed.

I am grateful for friends who are always there for me even though we don’t see each other very often.

Nature, too, is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

I have found peace and reconciliation with the pain of this year. I’ve opened my life gladly to whatever God presents to me. And with that, my heart has begun to beat again in hopeful anticipation of what is before me.

My bountiful Thanksgiving is in the people of my life, both past and present. I praise God for pulling us through the flames of 2023. I thank Jesus for never leaving our sides. Even when we can’t feel his presence, he is…and always will be. I have a hoodie that reads, “In the waiting, God is working”. Never doubt.

May you recall all the reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving Day. There are just so many. My love to you all. ♥️

Andi

If you erase all the mistakes of your past, you would also erase all of the wisdom of your present. Remember the lesson, not the disappointment. ~ Unknown

Mistakes. Wow. I’ve made them. A boatload of them too. Many of my mistakes were made because of carelessness. Far too many because of selfishness. Some because of foolishness, and regretfully, because I stepped outside the realm of God’s glory and chose sin.

I imagine if you thought about your life, you could categorize your mistakes similarly, although the actual mistake(s) might vary greatly. Choosing to sin is the most detrimental of all mistakes.

Although, I wish I could go back in time and undo my mistakes, right my wrongs, fix my indiscretions…I cannot.

While apologies and forgiveness are the tools in healing, learning from our past is what’s of greatest importance. If we don’t learn, the same mistakes become repetitious. What value is in that? Wisdom is found in the learning.

Our priority in life should be in how do we want to leave this life? I want to leave in the arms of Jesus. So learning something from every life situation, every mistake, is my challenge, my goal. I believe the biblical example is of God as the potter and I am the clay.

Mistakes are inevitable as we are imperfect people living among imperfect people in an imperfect world. But, it’s how we handle those mistakes made and what we do to prevent the same mistakes from happening again.

Hint…striving to please Jesus is the key. ♥️

Andi

Photo credit: Eagle Lake, WI, taken by my dear friend, Sandy C.

Thank you, Jesus, for never leaving my side. For making sure we always have just enough. For never giving up on me even when I didn’t deserve such graciousness. For giving me the joy of laughter. And thank you for filling my heart with love.

♥️

Andi

Photos: my backyard view taken by Mattea; Maine 2019

Life is full of changes. Sometimes they are, ohhhh…so good. Other changes, not so much. But regardless, change is inevitable, no matter what they look like. And sometimes we have zero control over them.

I’m not so good with change. I’ve mentioned my dislike for change many times in this blog. I like to be around what is quiet and familiar. And I want it to stay that way.

But this year has been full of change. Through it all I’ve learned a great deal about myself. Which has been really good for my personal growth. Even through heartbreaking change, I managed to pull much positive from the ruble in my heart. I even came to terms with death knowing that while I cannot reverse it, death doesn’t erase what was. With that, I have found peace and closure.

Now my life is headed for more changes. Some challenging. Some exciting. And for the first time in my life, I am ready.

If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.

How void our world would be without them.

Embrace change. The butterfly depends on it to make his life even more beautiful. ♥️

Andi

Photos: Monarchs, St. Pete Beach, FL, March 2021

♥️

Andi

Photo: a friend’s pond in the sunset

Which one do I enter? How do I know God’s plan when two doors are opening and both look promising?

With my long history of making poor decisions, I have been hesitant. Fear of entering a wrong door has kept me from entering either. And that’s not living.

A friend recently shared something with me that his father told him. If you happen to make a wrong decision, you simply make another one.

How simple is that is that concept? Why didn’t I ever think of that? Maybe it is because I have a tendency to overthink which, in turn, complicates everything. And in the overthinking, the fear factor most generally kicks in.

Those open doors don’t look so scary now. ♥️

Andi

Photo: at Turkey Run, kayaking with my Charlie Girl

What are the keys to life’s happiness? A perfect place to start is to love Jesus. He gives us hope through promise. But while walking this earth, how can we live happily with all that troubles us?

I have been on quite a journey. A journey that has taken me to the pinnacles of mountains and buried me deep in the darkest trenches of life. I’ve done a lot of living in-between.

Somehow, I kinda missed the mark. Although I have always considered myself to be a happy person, I’ve weathered many storms, of which, I didn’t handle correctly. Hence, an often troubled, angry, restless spirit. But honestly, the keys to happiness are really very simple…as I am excitedly discovering.

Here are a few of those keys.

~Simplify your world

~Live without expectation

~Open your heart

~Kick reservation to the curb

~Protect what is precious to you

~Don’t try so hard

~Listen to things unspoken

~Allow time to work it’s magic

~Never say never

~Dream

~Keep some things private

I also see how different events in my life have taught me the greatest lessons. While I didn’t see their purpose or appreciate those events at the time, I see their value now. They’ve humbled the prideful and selfish Andi. They’ve dissipated the anger and resentment. They quieted the loud voice within me and taught me patience. I’ve learned to love myself. Something I once viewed as conceited. All of this…in preparation for my life today. I’ve finally grown up.

*I’ve put away childish attitudes.

*I’ve learned that there’s no room in this life for drama.

*I’ve discovered that not everything is as it seems.

*I’ve learned that bad days don’t last forever.

*I’ve opened my heart without reservation.

*I’ve learned patience.

*I’ve learned that you can’t plan everything.

*I’ve learned that there’s always room for more love.

Just to name a few.

Happiness. ♥️

Andi

Original post: August 16, 2021; pictures added.

Luke 10:38-42
38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

I needed to read this.

Andi, Andi…you are anxious and troubled about many things, but your sister, Mary…she has it right.

How often are we so caught up with our job, our obligations, our worries, our running here and there…that we forget or simply choose to bypass the very fabric of life? The very reasons of why we are here?

Do we cut short our time with our children, our parents, or our friends to fulfill less meaningful obligations? Do we cut God out of our life because it’s too time consuming to read the Bible or pray? Do we have a distorted view on what is of greater importance? We need to reflect upon this and be truthful with what we discover about ourselves.

It’s not always easy to admit hey, I’ve been wrong. It’s quite humbling. I know this firsthand. But humbling is needed for growth. And we should desire to grow.

I have been a Martha for a good part of my life. It’s time to let go of worries and burdens to make room for all those things of greater importance, such as God…first and foremost. But one thing is necessary…vs 42.

Have a good start to your new week. Be grateful for humility even when it’s uncomfortable. ♥️

Andi

These last couple of weeks at work have been horrific for me. From being told by a female customer she was going to take me down because her bill was too high, to being belittled by a large man who seemed to find satisfaction in humiliating a woman, to being falsely accused as corrupt by the haters on the social media town gossip page.

I just don’t understand why.

None of these haters have ever been to a town meeting. None of the complainers have come into the office to talk to me. If they had, they would know that I am a decent person who is willing to help them anyway I can within my legal limits.

I’ve been in hard places many times throughout my life. I know firsthand what it is to have zero money with little ones to feed. I was a single mom who was barely able to make ends meet. In fact, I’m still struggling to make ends meet.

But the haters cling to like-minded haters. Misery truly does love company. They hover together on a gossip page where nothing can be resolved but where anger is fed. They don’t care who they step on, who they hurt, who they belittle, or who they make cry…just as long as someone pays for their bad day.

I’m praying that God helps me in my search for answers. Perhaps, employment that might bring joy to my life. My last two jobs have depleted my joy stores.

Haters will always find their so-called peace with other haters and at the expense of another. I am reminded to pray for my enemies. Sometimes it’s just hard.

♥️

Andi

For my beautiful Chelle 02/01/1962 – 11/01/2016

I miss you….💔

Butterflies and roses,

gifts from a friend.

Treasures I’ll keep

from now to my end.

🌹

Dragonflies and rainbows

bring tears to my eyes,

Of both joy and sorrow,

of hellos and goodbyes.

🌈

The moment you left us

many hearts broke.

But loving kindness

was the story you wrote.

🌷

So I’ll treasure these gifts

and remember your smile.

And the warmth of your love,

I’ll carry each mile.

I miss you beyond measure

as everyone does,

But you left us your legacy

of compassion and love.

🩷

Butterflies and roses,

gifts from a friend.

Treasures I’ll keep

from now to my end.

🦋

Andi

Written 11/11/2016

Yesterday was an emotionally charged day because of two of my precious littles.

My oldest granddaughter, Belle, and I went to my basement. She asked about all the piles of things I have laid out. I told her I was getting rid of things so I can start packing to move to another house. She instantly started crying.

Belle asked how she was going to find me. She was worried and upset. I tried to console her. Then she said, “You know why I don’t want you to move most? Because your house stays the same. It doesn’t change. I don’t like change.”

How does an almost seven year old have such a grownup thought?

My heart hurt. She has been through so much already in her young life.

Again, I tried to console her. I told her there is one thing that will never change. And that is my love for her. Then I said, “Oh wait…that will change.”

She gave me a startled, almost scared look.

I quickly told her that my love for her will grow more and more! And some changes are actually good. She smiled and we hugged again.

I reassured her that she will always know where I live and how to find me.

Later, I stopped by youngest granddaughter’s house. After I left, my daughter-in-law, Dani, and little Juneau went outside. Dani sent me two short video clips of Juneau standing in the driveway, pointing and repeating, “Grandma go? Grandma go?”

There’s something really special when babies begin verbalizing their thoughts. And being called grandma by a little touches the furthest recesses of my soul. That’s the best I can describe it.

For the second time yesterday, my heart melted. And it reopened the idea/plan/notion of moving away from these little ones.

At the moment, doing something, for me, again…seems pretty selfish.

Lots to think about and consider.

Out of the mouth of babes. ♥️

Andi

Over and over, for the last 11 months, I’ve heard, “You are so perfect for this job.”

Am I though?

I took this job as clerk-treasurer of my small town to get away from the insurance business. Being an insurance agent for two years in a windowless office from 8-5, as I sat behind three monitors, took a drastic toll on my health. It was the worst two years of my life in the workforce as far as the deterioration of my physical and mental health are concerned. Of which I have yet to recover…even after a year away.

Before I accepted the clerk’s position, I was told I would have more free time, which I do, and that I could probably get all of my work done in about 12 hours a week. Well, that has not happened. Nor will it ever happen. This, in reality, is a two-person job.

Because of my personality, I’m constantly being told that I am perfect for this job. I have appreciated that bode of confidence. It made me happy that others thought I’d be good for this town as their clerk. It encouraged me to stay even though it just doesn’t fit…me. But I thought this was how it was supposed to be…..

Until today.

As I struggle (and have been struggling from day one), I realized that just because I might be perfect for this position, does not mean this position is perfect for me. That light bulb went off in my head this afternoon as I heard a couple of times today how perfect I am. It came to me just how lopsided my thought process has been because of how others viewed me. I cannot continue to be a constant people-pleaser at the expense of my own happiness. I am 62 years old and I need to do what’s best for me.

Being a clerk-treasurer is a difficult job. Throughout my life, I was determined to stay away from insurance and anything to do with taxes (the government). Just look what I’ve done with the last three years of my life. I’m not getting any younger. It’s time to do something that brings me joy.

I am on the ballot for November 7th. One woman is running against me. Actually, she’s not. She went to withdraw her name the day before early voting but it was too late. I hope she wins though. She will resign and I will choose not to be appointed. That is how I would like to see this play out. I worry about what will happen to this position, but I can no longer allow worry to interfere with what I need to do.

But then…that last sentence makes me feel awfully bad for being so conceited and selfish. You know, thinking of myself above the town. That’s why I’ve always been a people-pleaser. I waiver constantly between these two ideals. The Gemini twins inside of me rarely agree. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. <sigh>

If I win the election, I will go as long as I can into the new year. Hopefully, my house will sell in early spring and I can be on my merry way. Wherever that merry way leads me.

So while others may tell you that you are perfect for this or that you need to consider if it is perfect for you. Don’t struggle for a year (like me) to stay where you are based solely upon what others think of you.

Ask yourself:

Am.
I.
Happy?

An eye opening day for me. Can’t believe I couldn’t see something so simple until now. I guess the stronger twin believes being a people-pleaser and suppressing one’s own happiness is the correct way to live life.

Wrong!

Sacrificing your life for Christ is one thing. Living life solely by the opinion and approval of others is a totally different ballgame. ♥️

Andi

Original Post: July 28, 2020

I created a cookbook for each of my kids. It contains lots of recipes that we’ve tested and tried and found worthy of a repeat. It also contains recipes from my parents and their parents and from friends I’ve had over the years. I placed the recipes in page protectors within a 3-ring binder. They can each add to their own books.

Now if I could just find my Civil War era sweet potato pie recipe, my contribution to their books will be complete. I think….

During those busy days of raising a family and feeding an army, I depended greatly upon this old recipe book of mine. ♥️

My dad gave me a cookbook when I got married in June of 1980. This book has been one of my greatest treasures for 40 years. The binding is now worn and the front cover will probably fall off soon. The tabs are frayed and some are even missing. The pages have four decades of food stains on them. (I’m the messiest cook EVER.) And some recipes were adjusted with my handwritten notes. With six kids, I cooked a lot of meals and many recipes came from this book. Several years ago, my girls and I fondly named this family treasure “Old Yeller”.

So many wonderful recipes are found between the pages of this battered, old book. The Zesty BBQ Sauce is to die for. Especially on ribs.

And the Butter Frosting is yummy. We tried the Cheese Stuffed Trout once. It was pretty good. The kids enjoyed Beefy Bean and Biscuit Casserole along with many other great recipes.

A lot of fond memories are kept safe inside Old Yeller. I shared recipes with my best friend, Chelle. She loved this old book too. We enjoyed making the All-Time Favorite Lemon Bars and the Maraschino Cherry Bars for the holidays.

When my oldest daughter was getting ready to move away, she wanted to take Old Yeller with her. I’m not ready to part with Old Yeller yet so I searched for and found a copy and gave it to her. Now she can mess up the pages of her own cookbook. But truthfully, I don’t think any of my girls are as messy as I am. But….messy cooks are good cooks so they might want to work on that. The best compliments always came from my little ones when they would say, “Mom, you’re a good cooker!”

Hopefully, you have a treasured cookbook or two, and favorite family recipes to share with your future generations.

Be grateful for the simple things in life…like an old worn out cookbook named Old Yeller. ♥️

Andi

Photos: Old Yeller

Could hardly wait to get outside,

On this beautiful, beautiful day,

Sunlight golden through the trees ,

Above me circling, a bird of prey.

The sky, a most perfect blue,

An amazing moon is still awake,

He’s not wanting to miss this day,

So his precious time he decides to take.

The morning air is crisp and new,

It takes my breath away,

To see such beauty here before me,

The world to me, a grand bouquet.

So on this glorious autumn day,

Please lace my hand with yours,

And walk with me on wooded trails,

For there’s love and nature to explore.

Andi ♥️

Poem Written: September 28, 2010

Photos: Maine 2019; my backyard; my backyard; Maine 2019; internet

I have this thing about cabins. Many years ago, at an annual festival near me, I bought a canvas of a cabin in a snowy woods. The light in the window flickers. (Batteries, included.) In my young girl imagination, that is where I sit to write. It’s warm and ever so cozy in there with wood on the fire. This canvas hangs on a wall in my bedroom and the light in the window flickers at night for about six hours.

I have had the same dream for many years. I have wanted a cabin near water and in a wooded area. But I must have open areas around the cabin for sunshine. The sun is very important to me. I would have animals for my grandchildren to interact with, water for fishing, and a view of the sunset. The cabin would have an amazing front porch and an enclosed back porch. The front and back doors would include banging screen doors. You know, like in the old days. You open them and they bang shut behind you.

This cabin would be a retreat for my family and friends. A place to escape the rest of the world. A place to find peace and relaxation. A place to connect with God and to find oneself.

This is my dream.

I have collected log cabin magazines for about 10+ years now. I was searching for floor plans and new ideas.

At first I wanted a cabin large enough to have rooms for each of my kids and their families. But since I have six children and now five grands, that cabin would be huge. So, realistically, it needed to be scaled down. Because, again…realistically, my kids never all visit at the same time. With in-laws, work schedules, and the busyness of life in general, it’s kinda like herding cats to get them altogether. So I chiseled down the cabin within my mind’s floor plan and removed the beautiful open loft that supported those many rooms. Now it no longer looks like a lodge, but a simple cabin.

When I stayed with Karen and Greg in Maine at their Airbnb, I slept in the house and also in a yurt. I got hooked on the whole yurt idea and think I would have a couple on my property as well.

I’ve had this dream for so long now and it’s remained just that. A dream. I lack the money and the know-how to make it a reality. Even though this dream of mine is not realistic, it is still my cabin, my dream.

A year and a half ago, I went to the neighbor’s garage sale and found a scaled down cabin that was almost a perfect replica of the canvas I bought years before. So I bought it for about $3. Half the roof comes off so you can play around with the inside. It was pretty rustic and complete with mouse poopies. So my cabin was already lived in. Furnishings are permanently attached to the floor. So were the rugs and tablecloths. They were difficult to remove. It was very dirty so I cleaned it up. At another garage sale, I found scraps of material to replace the nasty rug and make a cushion for the rocker and a tablecloth.

For Christmas last year my cabin was decorated with snow, lights, snowmen, wreaths, holiday pictures for the walls, and a Christmas tree. My son, Ezekiel, made two mugs and a plate of chocolate chip cookies. I cut up lace to make doilies. Mattea gave me her little crystal dog to sit on the rug by the Christmas tree. You can barely see the pup.

I’ve since moved the cabin to my bedroom. On the front porch is a bear with his hands on his hips. I gave that bear to my dad decades ago. It is how he would often stand. Not in an angry way though. It usually meant he was going to say something funny. This bear means a lot to me. So once the cabin came to my room, the bear went to the front porch. Bears and cabins kinda go together, don’t cha think?

So even though this cabin is on a much smaller scale than in my dream, I own a cabin.

My cabin, my dream. ♥️

Andi

My dad and I butt heads, always. We were always on opposite ends of the earth in our thinking. We clashed on religion, politics, and whether coconut oil is healthy for you or not. (It is.) These weren’t subtle disagreements. They ripped us apart. Everything was big to us. And it was that way from my very young years until his passing in March of 2021.

His presence was massive. And still is in my life. He was loud, harsh, and condescending. I watched him love on and be gentle with my younger sister all through life. That’s what I grew up with. I tried hard to get him to love me as a little girl with little acts of kindness. But then as I grew older, I pretty much gave up. So we did not have a healthy relationship. This made it difficult for me to have healthy relationships with men in my adulthood. I was continually seeking to fill a void that only a dad can fill in his daughter’s life. You simply cannot find that anywhere else.

But then out of the clear blue he would tell me, “I’m proud of you.” Or, he’d say, “You’re a good momma” or “You have great kids”. And he’d tell me he loved me in our few phone calls. Those moments I learned to cling to and treasure today.

This man has had the greatest influence over my life…more than any other person. He still makes me think and rethink. I hear him as I go about my day to day tasks.

He was and forever will be a puzzlement to me. He didn’t teach us kids how to be successful even though he very much was with IBM. It wasn’t until his passing that I realized this. What he did try to teach us, ever-so-subtly, was to be happy. Reading what I’ve written so far this probably sounds quite contradictory. He was, and he wasn’t, happy. He fought his own powerful demons which we never understood. But he did things that brought him great joy and accomplishment all through his life. He lived his life to the fullest and wanted us to do the same.

Through all the hardship and strained years, I still loved my dad. He was, after all, my dad.

Today would be his 82nd birthday. So hard to believe he’s gone. Or, that he’d be 82. He’s has a few more great-grandkids that he’s missed out on.

I wish this complicated man was still here. So much I want to say and things I need to hear from him. Our relationship has given me a lifetime of lessons. I owe a lot to my dad. Through the good and the bad, I am who I am because of the take-aways from our relationship. I never compromised my beliefs. He just made me stronger in them. If that makes sense.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I wish you were here. ♥️

Andi

When Buddy passed away, I thought about life and friendships on a much deeper level. I decided at that time that if I was given a choice of knowing someone at the beginning of their life or at their end, I choose their end. There is much I learn from the end.

Often, when we know someone early in life, we drift apart. Life takes us on unique journeys on different pathways and those lives don’t often intersect again.

But when we meet, or reconnect, with someone midway in life and especially more towards the end, I believe we see a polished, more complete version of that person. Through all the bumps, bruises, and briars during our walks on our personal paths of living, we discover who we are and what makes us a better person, and we continue to focus on self-improvement. At least we should.

Buddy was a preacher. He was a husband, father, and friend. But what stood out the most about him is that he genuinely loved people. All people. Until Buddy, I had never met anyone with such compassion for other human beings. He was the least judgmental person I had ever met as well. This may not have always been. I viewed Buddy as spiritual maturity at its finest, yet he was still learning and growing.

I think about my own life; the paths I’ve walked and the many hats I’ve worn. As I reflect on my 62 years, I see improvements in how I now walk this earth.

While I believe my heart has always been genuinely good deep down, that goodness did not always reflect on the outside of me. And although I’ve always been told I am good and kind, I struggled with inner battles that made me feel not so good and kind.

Being a young girl with a severely damaged self-image, I spent what feels like a lifetime trying to obtain approval from others, especially from men. This caused me to be self-centered, self-absorbed, and selfish. And it hurt those I loved and who depended upon me.

In the end, in my end, I hope that those who have been with me throughout my life can say that I have been polished and refined. And that maybe they are proud of who I am today. It hasn’t been an easy journey but it has been a powerful one.

This is what I want to see in me:

1) That God has molded me with his very hands and the good heart I had hidden deep is finally being expressed in every part of my life. 2) That a damaged self-image is no longer the driving force of my thoughts and actions. 3) That I was able to make a turnaround from selfish to selfless.

For those who are just getting to know me from now and until I die, just know that I learned life the hard way. It hasn’t been an easy life by any means. And hopefully you are seeing the best version of Andi so far, and that this version will only continue to get better.

Our goal should be that our time here on earth ends on a great note. Our hearts wiser and more loving. Our lives to reflect patience with compassion. And that we have better listening ears with a softer voice.

But our ultimate goal is to be more Christ-like. Allowing God to mold us is humbling to say the least. We tend to want to override God and live our own life in our own way because somehow we believe that we know what is best. I’m here to tell you that I know nothing in comparison to God’s wisdom. Nothing.

In the end…

I want to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Matthew 25:21

I may not have always been good and faithful, but what counts is in the end. ♥️

Andi

Photos: my favorite tree; a Maine mountain pathway; a rocky ledge at a nature park; a pathway near my home, a beautiful Maine scene.

I love the country. I may have grown up just north of Chicago in Waukegan, Illinois, but I wouldn’t say we lived in the city. We had open fields where we spent much time playing.

Under the power lines was a makeshift motorcycle track where the guys would ride up and down all summer long. There was a pond we named “David Diggs Pond” because it was near his house. I remember on a bright moonlit night, all of us neighbor kids went ice skating while listening to the Doobie Brothers. Good times.

In my junior year, we moved away to another state. We moved even further out into the country. We had horses and mom had chickens, geese, and a runt pig named Annie. When I got married I didn’t move very far. Just a few miles but it was even closer to Amish Country.

There’s more sky in the country…which you know I love. Well, unless you are in a forest where the trees cover much of the sky. Still country. Bright city lights and tall buildings cover a night sky. My country for most of my adulthood has been surrounded by farmland, fields of corn and bean, wooded areas, beautiful lakes, rivers, and steams.

There are so many things I love about the country. Like barnyard animals. My kids were raised on a mini cattle farm. We raised our own beef. Once my son, Jet, pulled a calf when the momma was in distress. Without reservation, he reached in and turned that baby so he could pull it out while the tired momma pushed. Jet was a mere 12 years old at the time. He had no training, yet he knew what to do. The country is a great place to raise children.

I have the pleasure to be around a sheep, two goats and several geese when I visit the town my family moved to in 1977. This is where I graduated high school, got married, and had two precious little boys. I moved away long ago but visit wonderful friends (and cute animals) there now.

Countrified people are in a class by themselves. They aren’t afraid to be just who they are. What you see is what you get. They aren’t afraid to talk shop or the old days. They will tell you about every fish they caught yesterday. Of course, there might be some colorful exaggeration to make their story just a little more interesting. But it’s all good.

Last night I went to the firehouse to listen to elderly people entertain elderly people. They played old-timey county music and hymns from long ago. The food is provided by the fire department for a free-will donation.

I sat with a couple of the fireman. One was on each side of me but a little back behind me. So when they talked to each other they spoke behind my back but I could hear clearly.

I had to smile when I heard these two firemen talk about persimmons and recipes. They were sharing recipe ingredients and comparing what they make. Dan said he uses cinnamon in his. Todd said his persimmon pudding (which he himself made for this particular night) was what his grandmother made (with cinnamon too). I just had to smile.

I tucked that conversation into my heart. It was clean and pure. It was country.

I’m looking forward to moving. And while I’m staring at a cornfield in my backyard as I write this post, I know that my next home will be in the country as well. Though I’m getting older I do not want to live in the city. Not even with all the conveniences city life has to offer.

You cannot take this girl out of the country or the country out of this girl. ♥️

Andi

Have you ever chosen to repeat something just so you can shock the listener?

Have you ever wanted to be the first to share news even though it wasn’t your news to share?

Have you been told a juicy tidbit of information about someone and felt it was okay to repeat since “other” people know…therefore, it’s fair game?

I am guilty as charged. I’m not proud of it by any means.

These scenarios all fall under the category of gossip. And gossip is a difficult habit/ sin to break.

Why do we have to be the first to share news and why do we move all the more faster when it is the worst of all news?

Gossip hurts. It destroys trust. It destroys relationships with family and friends. It separates us from God.

Let’s monitor what goes into our person and released from our mouth. Is it really worth the instant thrill it gives at the expense of another? ♥️

Andi

I turned on tv this past weekend as I waited for my coffee to steep in my French press. The program I turned on was Woody Woodpecker. I haven’t seen an old cartoon for a long time.

So the cartoon that came on was about a little mouse in a sad predicament. I remember seeing this when I was a kid. I missed the predicament and don’t remember what it was, but it was bad enough that this little mouse tried to hang himself. When that didn’t work he put his mouth over a nozzle and turned the gas on.

I know our mentality as a whole has changed drastically but how did we think that was funny or even appropriate for a child’s cartoon? Or, do we just overthink today? I’m sure I laughed at it as a kid.

My, how times have changed.

♥️

Andi

Last Friday, I spent time with three of my high school classmates. One of the girls, Michele, has a boat on the river and offered to take us for a boat ride. She said the trees along the river were beginning to show their color. We decided to make it a dinner cruise.

The day though was very overcast and gloomy and we began to wonder if it would best to eat dinner in my friend’s home instead of on the river. But shortly before we were to arrive, Michele sent me a picture of the sky. The clouds began to open up to allow the sun to shine. God is good.

It turned out to be a lovely evening. The four of us had such a great time together catching up on decades of life after high school. Oh, and the trees didn’t disappoint either.

How wonderful it is to reconnect with friends. And how gracious of God to bless our time together and provide such a beautiful night of still waters, blue sky, and colorful views.

A night to remember and cherish. ♥️

Andi

The heavy fog wafts over the river,

Over and thru fields of corn;

Hiding speed limit signs and rooftops.

Until the sun comes up,

To warm the earth.

The autumn leaves drift down,

For golden rays to break thru,

A joining of earth and heaven.

♥️

Andi

I’ve done a great deal of soul searching over the last few weeks. Maybe a better definition is healing. I feel it is time to share this healing with you since I’ve been pretty much absent here lately.

In my relationship with Matt, I viewed perfection through my own eyes. I wanted our relationship to be absolutely perfect. So I struggled from time to time when things didn’t go my perfect way. But through reflection of our past conversations, learning more about Matt from others, and my time with God, why things happened as they did has become quite obvious.

Matt was so much stronger than me. He was dedicated to God and remained steadfast in his personal belief system. I have nothing but respect and admiration for him. I’ve learned that just because our relationship wasn’t perfect in my eyes, doesn’t mean it wasn’t absolutely perfect. Because it was.

During the last two weeks of Matt’s life, I tried to spend as much time with him as possible without being too much of a burden to others who loved him as well. His family and friends knew their own relationship/place with Matt. So during those final weeks there was a lot reminiscing, heart-to-hearts, forgiving, laughing, and just loving. I enjoyed watching their interactions.

In my case, our relationship felt like it was just beginning. Matt finally spoke of me to others. He had brought me to the surface of his heart. So you can only imagine the excitement raging inside of me. I already knew that what we had was special and unique for each other. I didn’t give anyone else the same attention or affection I gave to him. He knew that and held onto it. As he told his sister, it was important. Matt kept me in his heart but never shared my existence with anyone until his last couple of months.

For me, that time spent with him was my greatest high. It was refreshing, reassuring, and most definitely, loving. We had many talks and touching moments.

After Matt passed, I had to redefine my version of perfect. There was such a great sadness to overcome first. Tears were shed everyday for weeks. After three months, I still cry. And I still cannot listen to Never Once, a song I played for him in the hospital.

But what I discovered that IS perfect is how we were, how it all came out in the end, and all that he taught me to be. I really don’t have anymore questions. Oh, maybe I still have little questions about his life, but the big questions have been answered. And I find great peace in that.

God gave us all the time we needed with Matt, and the time Matt needed with each of us. He beat death many times this year for a reason. One thing I do know for sure is that God was ever-present throughout this entire time. You cannot have anything more perfect than for God’s hand to be directing it all.

My perfect wasn’t Matt’s perfect. Nor was it God’s. And I truly understand that now. Finding closure was painful only because I felt short-changed for a bit. You know, gypped out of a forever. But God blessed us with time together. He gave us both exactly what we needed in the end. And it is perfect. God is so good.

Matt told me if I find someone to love he better be an angel. (Those are some mighty big wings to fill.)

I told Matt he was my angel. And now he truly is. ♥️

Andi

About a week ago, I was out on my back deck with my daughter-in-law, Dani, and my little granddaughter, June Bug. I am contemplating moving from this house and I’d actually like to do it soon. At least before the next mowing season.

We were admiring the tall cornfield in my backyard and she mentioned how quiet it is back here along the woods and field.

Yes, there are advantages to being here. But the yard wins. I can’t take care of it anymore. Anyway, that’s a topic for another day. Maybe.

I treasure sky gazing but have neglected that for the last three months along with the sun, summer breezes, or anything else related to nature for that matter. I’m still trying to find myself after losing someone who was such an important part of me. Nature still exists, but it’s not beckoning as it once did…even though I know God is there. Nothing feels the same or even looks quite the same. I didn’t realize the strong connection between him, nature, and me. Another topic. Maybe.

I happened to look up at the sky. September and October skies are just so blue. That day the sky was amazingly beautiful and unique. It was as if a big bag of cotton balls burst and covered that autumn blue.

I had to take pictures. Often the sky makes me think of the wallpaper in Andy’s bedroom in Toy Story. I shared that that with Dani.

She stood there admiring the sky too. Then she spoke. I wish I could say she was thought the clouds looked like puffs of cotton candy or the stuffing falling out her grandmother’s hand-tied quilt. But no. She said it reminds her of the skin on your kneecap.

Um…what?

She repeated it. It looks like the skin on your kneecap.

What???

She said she has always thought that since she was young.

We laughed and I asked her to say no more. I said I can’t let her visual interfere with my child-like view. We laughed again.

I look at the pictures I took that day and cannot see what she saw, but skin on kneecaps rings through my head and I can’t unhear it. Toy Story…Toy Story…Toy Story…

It’s funny how we all look at the same, simple things yet so differently. I guess that helps to make our life more interesting and colorful. Maybe when she looks up she’s now thinking Toy Story. That, in my opinion, would be a good thing. 😊

Enjoy this day. It’s a good day. ♥️

Andi

Golden streaks of autumn sun,
Shoot through the forest trees,
Enhancing every color scheme,
Contained within the falling leaves.

A spider’s web hangs gracefully,
Created skillfully through the night,
Glistening with the morning dew,
A chef d’oeuvre of pure delight.

The air is crisp and clean these days,
It refreshes my very soul,
And awakens a youthful spirit within,
Once again…I feel whole.

Grapes adorn the twisting vines,
Shades of purple, orange, maroon, and green,
This kaleidoscope of color and taste,
Beckoning me these vines to glean.

Though I walk alone, alone I’m not,
For my senses are my friends this day,
As I behold God’s awesomeness,
In the beauty of this fall display.

Written: October 3, 2012

Happy Fall!

Andi

Image by Johannes Plenio Thought for the Week We’re slipping into fallmost, almost fall, the not-quite season. Or perhaps you think of it as notumn, …

The Not-Quite Season

I hope you enjoy this post as much as I do! Written by a fellow blogger, Mitch.

Autumn approaches subtly
You can smell it in the air
The distant trees outlined in gold
Cool breezes in my hair

A leaf or two fall gently
Taking their time as they float down
Without a care they linger
Before they hit the ground

Cinnamon laced hot cider
With just a hint of orange
Add warmth to cool evenings
And delight to early morns

The crisp blue autumn skies
None other can compare
Clear and bright the moon still lingers
In this day he wants to share

Smoky hair from last night’s bonfire
And memories of the laughter
These autumn days and nights
Help make life a little better

Andi
September 11, 2023

♥️

Photo credit: leaves on Matt’s greenhouse, taken yesterday 09/10/2023

On Friday, I drove my youngest daughter and my granddaughter to my oldest daughter’s home near Chicago. My middle daughter met us there on Saturday. She drove up in her new Nissan Rogue. It was a great weekend with my beautiful, fun-loving girls.

The weekend was filled with birthday fun for two of my grandchildren and actually, all three of my girls, although a couple girls were celebrated early.

When I went to bed, it felt good to know that all of my girls were with me again under one roof. Even if it wasn’t my roof.

I thought about my little granddaughter sleeping next to me and how it wasn’t so long ago that my girls were her age of 6.

When my oldest, Denae, was 18, she loaded up her Honda CVR and drove away to this faraway land that she now calls home. She found love and started a family of her own. How brave she was to pick up and move away to a place unfamiliar.

Now my Charlie is planning to do the same very soon…only her faraway land is much further away.

Charlie and I decided to leave Denae’s at the same time and take the same route home. We left with wonderful memories from the weekend. If the truth be told, my heart still hurts every time I leave my Denae…even though she’s now almost 31.

As we drove home, Charlie followed me until we stopped for gas at my favorite Love’s. Charlie and I went into the bathroom and laughed uncontrollably at stupid things while washing our hands. I looked at her reflection in the mirror as she was laughing and couldn’t believe that this beautiful woman was my little girl…just all grown up.

When we got to our cars she said she might take a different route home from there. I said okay even though I wanted to cry a little inside. This is the hardest part of being a mom. Letting go.

I left Love’s first. When we got to a four lane highway Charlie passed me. It was odd to look over and see my girl passing me on a highway.

I was keeping up with her for a bit but then I knew I had to back off and give her space. That was what she needed. Space and independence. This was a representation of our new relationship as mom and daughter. You know…my letting go part.

When I told my youngest daughter, Mattea, that I needed to slow down and let Charlie pull ahead, she knew exactly what I was referring to. She knew I was referring to the bigger picture in Charlie’s life. Everything that Mattea spoke my heart was already feeling.

So I let Charlie pull ahead. I watched her vehicle get smaller and smaller. Finally her taillights faded into the road ahead of me.

While I’m excited that Charlie will be doing things I only dreamed of doing, my heart hurts that she will be so far away and living a life I know nothing about. The pain is about me no longer being the mom of a child, but of an independent adult woman. And of my need to always want to protect her.

I am reliving the same sentiments of watching that CRV pull out of my driveway thirteen years ago. Sadness, anxiety, concern, worry…and yet, excitement.

Tonight when I go to sleep, I’ll focus on my girls’ laughter from this weekend and treasure Charlie’s reflection found in a Love’s bathroom mirror. Tonight I’ll try to not to think about the Nissan taillights as they fade into her future. I’ll save that for daylight hours. ♥️💔

Andi

Many times in life I find myself in the midst of a wilderness. Often it’s dark and scary and I can’t seem to find a path out. I can feel the burn of hidden eyes watching my every move. Watching me breathe.

While in the wilderness my mind is being pumped full of adjectives declaring the uselessness of my existence. Sinful. Selfish. Conceited. Flawed. Ugly. Unlikeable. Unloveable. Unworthy.

Who am I listening to? Who do I believe?

Maybe you can relate to this as well.

I think God often sends us to the wilderness to learn lessons. Or, maybe we need to find a place of peace amidst the chaos. Sometimes though God needs our full attention and time in the wilderness will achieve that. The wilderness doesn’t need to be a place of darkness though. But that really depends on who we are listening to.

When you find yourself alone in the wilderness, or on a deserted beach, or in the solitude of your bedroom, listen to the ONE who loves you. Jesus knows your heart. He knows the battles that are kicking you even as you lie in a heap on the ground. He knows it all. Listen to the ONE who wants to strengthen you; the ONE who wants to give you rest and lift you to higher ground.

Do not listen to the one who imprisons you within the concrete walls of sadness, despair, guilt, and shame. The enemy knows you cannot work for good if you despise your very existence. He wants to keep you weak by emphasizing the deplorable condition of your soul. He will make you believe all those nasty things he has circulating through your head. All to keep you distant from Jesus.

Are you currently in the wilderness like me? Whose voice you listening to? Whose truth do you believe?

Food for thought today. ♥️

Andi

I posted a poem yesterday and there was a line in it that really resonated with me…“To always walk lightly – Tread the Earth ever gently – Lovingly …

Walking lightly 8/23

I really encourage you to read this post by my blogger friend, Danielle. All of her daily posts are enlightening. She is an encouragement to me every single day. Danielle is wise, and oh, so brave. She sees life as a child, new and fresh as she discovers more and more about herself and what truly makes life meaningful. Everyday is a new beginning for her and in every post she shares her heart, which is raw and beautiful. ~Andi

I spent a majority of my life feeling misunderstood. I felt that very few…very very few…actually got me.

I spent much time in agony when people didn’t seem to understand me. To me, if they didn’t understand me, they didn’t like me. And I had this intense need to be liked.

But why was this so important to me? Well, in all honesty, it wasn’t. I thought I needed to be validated by mankind in order to thrive in this world. I gave others the key to my worth.

As I reflect on my past, I see that it was me who lacked understanding all along. I was looking at life all wrong. It wasn’t about me. Not much in life is actually about me. It is about God. And I realized that the agony I put myself (and others) through was purely selfish intent.

I misunderstood God.

I misunderstood his purpose for us in this life. I misunderstood his truth. I misunderstood my place.

You can get an idea of who a person is by the way they move through life, with all their ebbs and flows. No one has to fully understand me for my life to have purpose and meaning . No one has to completely understand me to even like me. If you understand God, love and serve him, the light in your soul will shine through all the humanness.

I have finally learned to be still.
And just listen. ♥️

Andi

Photo credit: sunrise over Lake Michigan, Door County, summer 2023, taken by one of my dearest friends and author, Peter L. Belmonte, Ret. Major, Air Force

I’m struggling to write as you may have noticed. My mind is quite unsettled as I sort out life according to needs, wants, and what is truly important. Of course, for me, this is all nicely wrapped in worry and topped with a bow of anxiety.

Praying fervently that all my plans align with God’s will. That’s really all that matters in the end.

And as I walk this life, I realize the importance of understanding that absolutely nothing, or no one, can separate me from God…except for me. Only I have that power.

Romans 8 is a powerful chapter. Below are a few highlights.

28 And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

♥️

Andi

What are you allowed to believe? That is actually a question we now grapple with.  Most of us were raised in a world where belief had to be earned. …

CRIMINAL BELIEFS …

Another worthwhile post to read by Regie. ~Andi

I woke up too early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. So I started watching videos on my weather app.

The devastation in Maui is beyond belief. But that’s only one area of so many throughout our whole world being destroyed by wildfires, floods, tornadoes, and drought. Anyone else have a creepy feeling like it’s another worldwide “event” all over again?

At a young age, my generation was taught how to use a map. We knew where we lived, including the city, county, and state. We could locate our state on a map. We could locate our country on a globe, along with its many other countries. We could use a road map to find our way to and from designated locations.

We also learned the difference between a storm watch and a warning and what to do.

The last video I watched was on how to prepare for a storm. In this video, the weather person said, “It’s okay if you don’t know where you live…just pop your address into a search engine and familiarize yourself with the area.”

Does anyone besides me have trouble with this?

Then two pictures appeared in the video. On the left were parts of a taco scattered on the white background. The second picture was a fully made taco.

The first picture illustrated a weather alert watch. The ingredients for a storm (taco) are present. A warning is a fully made taco.

Really? We have to use taco illustrations for adults to understand weather alerts? And no…it’s not okay that you do not know where you live.

Our world is being dumbed down in so many ways. You hardly have to pay attention to see it. It is just so disappointing.

I miss landlines. I miss Encyclopedia Brittanica on home bookshelves. I miss sitting around with family in friends without personal phones in every hand or pocket. I miss the life I once knew so many years ago when I was a young girl. I feel sad for kids today who won’t be able to comprehend the freedoms we actually had in my youth compared to today.

Technology hasn’t freed us. It’s dumbed us down and holds us captive.

Andi

“One day at a time. That’s all we got. I will not, and I do not, fear tomorrow because I feel as if today has been enough.” ~Mikayla H.

♥️

Andi

Thanks to Mikayla H. for sharing with me the quote and poem.

While I was sitting out in the hospital waiting room…waiting…I found a beautiful song I never heard before while searching for 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman. Now…Never Once will be forever at the top of my favorite list.

This song struck all of my heartstrings. It was the most perfect sound track for the last several months. (Lyrics are in bold italic.)

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own

I will say that 2023, so far, has been one of the most confusing years of my life. Sad, beautiful, heart wrenching, eye-opening, and love-filled. The hills and valleys varied greatly from day to day. The lows were heartbreakingly difficult. The highs made my heart burst with the greatest joy. And love was steadfast throughout it all.

Everyday since that tearful day in June, I discover (learn) something new; something of great value. The pieces are coming together little by little. And all of this is possible because never once did God leave us in that hospital or in the two hospitals prior. Never once did he make us walk this painful journey alone. Never once did he abandon our loved one. Never once did he forsake our prayers. He heard them all.

That does not mean all of our prayers were answered according to our will because they certainly were not. Not all of them. And, definitely, not all of mine. But as time moves on, and away from, all that hurts us, the bigger picture is often revealed. I see bits and pieces of that picture now.

I could have argued with God and fought his decision. But who am I to fight the will of God? Anger feeds hate and both cause division. I choose not to do that. I would not have won anyway. God knows what’s best for all concerned and we need to find the glory (and peace) in his decision. I trust that God will bring to light all that I need to know to be a better Christian.

I am living my life one day at a time now and it is such a relief. Anxiety takes over when my worries run out further than one day ahead of me. I have learned much from these particular highs and lows.

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone

I still have whys and how comes…and I know my heart is going to hurt to some degree until the day I die. But I do see that God never left this heartbreaking situation. I see that his hand touched absolutely everything. And I find great peace in that. My faith has increased.

This year has presented to me the most vivid revelation of God’s presence in this world, and in my personal life. My heart has been greatly affected by all that I witnessed over the past 6 months. I am different. I feel different. I view life differently. I look up to God with greater adoration and respect. All for the better.

Never once did I ever walk alone…nor will I ever.

You are faithful, God, You are faithful. ♥️

Andi

Photos: St. Joe, MI, 2017, with Charlie

Original post: September 28, 2020. Edited.

The original post was a comparison between the years 2013 and the infamous 2020. Now I am adding 2023 into the mix. We tend to forget things and then end up reliving them later because, well…we forgot what happened, how we got there, and therefore, how to prevent the same scenario from happening again. The key is not to dwell on things but we mustn’t forget.

Just for fun – Do you recall the stickers stuck to the floors of stores that told you where to stand and directions to walk? Do you remember the hostility coming from others if you missed the “mark”? I do. When I think back, I see only foolishness in all of that. I have this aerial visual of us moving through aisles like cattle.

When that was brought back to my remembrance recently, it sent a little jolt to my heart as I recalled that horrible time in our very recent history. Probably because I had misplaced that memory in my brain. Life is filled with things we have misplaced and forgotten. Maybe this is my purpose for writing – to not forget important life lessons.

September 28, 2020:

I was going through some notes of mine looking for inspiration for future posts. I’m not on FB but every so often I hop on to take a quick peek and look through my memories. Often I can find something that I can use. Yesterday I ran across something I’d written. 2013 was the year in which my divorce was final and when I moved into my own home. I thought about that year and compared it to this year, 2020.

Goodbye 2013.

You were the hardest, most tearful year of my life. Through the trials and pain though, you taught me many things and although I am weak at times, I am basically stronger. Hopefully, wiser too.

These are only a few of the things I’ve learned:

I have developed more compassion for others than I ever had before.

I am no longer judgmental and/or critical of others for I am no better or no worse than anyone else.

I learned that everyone struggles with their own demons whether they wear their pain on their sleeve or not.

And that no one knows truly what goes on behind other’s closed doors.

I am more fully aware of the things that matter most in life. And they are not material things.

That forgiving is a wonderful release of pain.

Most of all though, I have learned to love more deeply.

I feel pretty tattered and torn but tomorrow is a New Moon, New Year, and a New Beginning. And with it comes New Hope, and much needed healing.

As I read this writing of seven years ago, I realize that all of these still hold true. And, yes, I’m still healing. Once you step out of the circle you’ve been living in, you can finally see everything more clearly. I know I do. I finally see what my family and friends saw from the outside looking in. And I understand now all that truly upset my best friend, Chelle. Things I didn’t/couldn’t comprehend at the time.

But how does 2013 compare to 2020? I guess in many ways it is comparing apples to oranges. But I think I can honestly still say:

2020, you were the hardest, most tearful year of my life. Through the trials and pain though, you taught me many things and although I am weak at times, I am basically stronger. Hopefully, wiser too.

The thing about 2020 is that this isn’t something that’s happened only behind my closed door. It is not just my personal issue. It’s all out in the open. Every single person is experiencing the same trials and hardships and stresses. This is a worldwide event that we are experiencing together. To see video of people in other countries living the same as us is both eerie and comforting at the same time. But this doesn’t mean we don’t struggle as individuals because the personal struggles are still very real.

And even though 2020 is not through with us yet, we should have already learned some heavy lessons.

We should have learned what is most important in life. And it’s still not material things. It’s people. And it’s time. Quality time.

We should be even more compassionate for others as we see people separated from loved ones, and for those who are suffering financially and emotionally.

We should be learning to be better listeners. There are probably more lonely, worried, and stressed out people today than I have ever witnessed in my lifetime. I always mention we need to listen to what someone is not saying. I believe it still holds true today. Maybe even more so.

We should have realized by now that we need to do our own unbiased research to know what is true and what is not because too many people are throwing too many things at us.

Love. It sure doesn’t need to be this complicated. Our cities are burning down under the guise of love. Hatred is running rampant through our streets and through their veins. But…on the other hand, those who are not out terrorizing our cities and towns are drawing closer together. People are bonding with one another of all color and race. Building up together what has been taken down. There is no difference in the heart of mankind when it comes right down to what really matters. To recognize this is a big plus for us as human beings.

Patience is becoming more of a challenge as fuses are becoming shorter as the year progresses with all the restrictions and confusion. I have noticed that even the kindest people have turned harder and angrier. I guess enough is enough and I can’t fault people for being angry. The fault would lie in their expression of anger as many times reaction has replaced thinking. And, wow…colorful words are now spewing from people who wouldn’t have thought of using them in 2019.

So this year has been eye-opener. Change has been most difficult for me. At the beginning of this insanity, our situation was described as being fluid. That term was vastly overused but it described our current situation which was, in fact, fluid. But I hope I never have to hear that word used in that manner ever again. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.

I did learn that constant change wears people down. And rather quickly. It creates confusion and mild hysteria. It causes people to be reprimanded today for doing something “old school” which was just the policy of yesterday. Change has been one of the hardest challenges of 2020.

I could go on and on but the reality is this: each year has its own challenges. And some years are much harder than others. But, hey…let’s not overlook the abundance of rewards. There are so many wonderful things for us to find pleasure in and to be thankful for. Human relationships are still the ultimate of all good things. Nature is also at the top with its endless curiosities and beauty. God is so good to us.

2021 is a blur as well as 2022. 2023 smacked me and my family pretty hard and it’s only August. I’ll remember this year. I know others who will remember this year as well. Heartbreak tends to create the ultimate of all scarring…and we remember. I’ve learned a great deal about life and the thin line that separates us from eternity. The things I thought were of great importance yesterday, no longer hold a candle to what is truly important today. When I have someone complain that a neighbor is mowing their yard after 9:00 (in July when it’s still daylight) I have to wonder how they’ve missed critical life lessons.

Life is about giving and loving others. It’s about sharing what you have with those in need. It’s opening your heart to those who are hurting. It’s about being present when no one else wants to be. It’s about sacrifice and godly love. Honest, true, genuine, godly love.

We cannot always change another’s circumstance but we can definitely show them that they are not alone. Living life with Christ-like love and compassion means setting aside our selfishness and becoming selfless. Yes, I have learned much this year so far.

Learn from every situation whether good or bad. Be positive and patient. Love one another. Listen closely. Always be kind and forever grateful. ♥️

Andi

Photos: my friend, Pam’s garden flowers, summer of 2023

Original post: April 16, 2021. Edited.

Failure can mean something different to each of us. Failure to make the grade or get that next promotion. Failure to pay bills on time. Failure of a marriage or of that big business deal. Failure in child rearing. Failure often follows the mindset of “I can’t”.

I tend to see my life as just one big compilation of failures. I see my weaknesses. Yet someone, outside looking in, sees my strength.

After the original posting of Determination Behind the Dream, my friend, Matt, and I had discussed it in-depth. He said:

“Remember…failure is more about failing to try rather than failing the adventure.”

What he said is absolutely true.

He helped me with an adventure in October 2019. I flew out to Maine and rented a car for the first time in my life at age 58. I explored Maine on my own when my friends were busy with their Airb&b. It was a great personal experience for me. One that pushed me outside of my safe-little-circle to where the magic ✨happens.

I’m still a scaredy-cat of sorts, but I am getting much better at tossing my fear aside so I can enjoy the freedom of dreams and adventure. Yes, I am quite ready to leave my comfort zone.

Conquer your fears. Lasso your dreams. Be somewhat independent even if it’s a little weird for you. Step out of your comfort zone and into the circle where the magic ✨ is. Change your failures to successes. Live a little more adventurous. Make your dreams reality. ♥️

Andi

Link to Determination Behind the Dream:

Determination Behind the Dream..

…is key.

Original post: April 15, 2021. Edited.

I created this quote when I first created this blog. I was inspired after I climbed to the top of Mt. Sargent, 9 1/2 months after my hip replacement. Prior to the surgery, I spent a couple of years in debilitating pain, of which the last several months I walked with a cane…barely. At that point in my life, I never thought I’d ever walk without pain, much less climb a mountain again. Determination fuels the dream. Whatever your dream may be.

Sometimes though, my determination gets all jumbled up because it is so intertwined with emotion that I can’t move forward. Mostly, because of fear. Fear that I will make another wrong decision. Fear that I can’t. Just plain fear. So…I don’t. I talk the talk, but often can’t walk the walk. Sometimes I wear concrete shoes.

I’m certainly not in my comfort zone when I dream BIG. I admit that. But to be quite frank with you…I am just plain ole scared to make these big decisions by myself. I’m afraid of failure. And I’m afraid of change even though I desire it.

Diligently work toward making your dreams reality. Focus, plan, and work hard…but take a step back to catch your breath if you need to. It’s okay. Your dream, your timetable. Unlike fairytales, dreams don’t just magically come true. Not usually, anyway. Do better than me and drop the weight of fear from around your ankles. Otherwise, a dream will remain just a dream.

Determination Behind the Dream is Key. ♥️

Andi

Original post: May 8, 2021. Edited.

This post was written on Mother’s Day two years ago. I know I’m a little late for Mother’s Day 2023, but women can be celebrated all year. I know many great women. And I have recently added several more beautiful women to my life. This would include my blogger friends, friendships rekindled, and new relationships. These women bless my life in so many ways. Today, I celebrate you.

I watched a video of a mother in the hospital room with her daughter who had just given birth. Little did the new grandma know was that her daughter kept a secret from her. She gave birth to twins. Grandma was loving on baby number one when the second one was handed to her. She so overwhelmed with love. This video made me cry. The joy in the new mom’s face for surprising her mother. The tears of the new grandma who was doubly blessed. The excitement of the person peeking from behind the curtain waiting to bring out baby number two. What love filled that room.

You’ve heard the saying, if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Yes, there’s humor in that but even I, as a woman, have to disagree. Life isn’t about me. Well, not just about me. It’s about living for others. Giving, loving, receiving…love is a continuous circle. Or, should be. Giving, loving, receiving. Giving, loving, receiving.

I could look back and tell you all the ways I’ve failed as a mom. Not today. Not on Mother’s Day. My love for my kids is genuine. I did what I could throughout their lives to express that special love to each of them. My expression of love varied with every situation I was going through, with my highs and lows. I wish I could say that my life was always on the high side, but it wasn’t. The depth of my love for each ran deep though.

Raising children, listening to their dreams, watching from the near distance as they explore the world on their own, sharing in their joy as they begin families of their own, and watching them figure life out with an energy I once had…it’s all exciting to me.

My children make me feel special. They love surprising me on special days and on off days too. I know how that grandma in the video felt holding that new life. I experienced new life six times with children of my own. And then the grandchildren started coming.

When I watch the love between my children and their spouses I cannot help but feel overwhelmed with thankfulness and yes, pride. Watching their families grow overflows my cup even more.

My heart just wants to burst at times…

Even though I am single and my children are grown, I still have so much to give. There is much love and excitement packed into being a mom, mother-in-law, grandma, and friend, It’s amazing how God opens up the heart. Just when you think couldn’t possibly love more, or love again, He shows you that you can.

Sisterly Love…..

If you love a good woman, as a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, lover, or friend, your life will be blessed beyond measure. God describes the beauty of having a good woman in your life. It’s not external beauty that matters. It’s her heart. She will offer you strength, support, compassion, and love. A good woman fills in the empty gaps in your life.

When I die, even with all the wrong I’ve ever said or done, I hope it can be said that I was a good woman and that my heart loved deeply and fully, and that I filled in many gaps.

Proverbs 31:25
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.

I am blessed as a mom. I am blessed everyday by simply being a woman. Womanhood is my God-ordained place in this world and I accept it whole heartedly. I love the view from up here.

I love who I am as a woman and everyday I try to improve and become even “gooder “ – as my little ones would have said so many years ago.

Women are remarkable in that they are strong yet there is a soft, delicate side with an overwhelming desire to love and be loved. It’s a special love mechanism that is built in and can’t be removed. Every woman wants to be someone’s princess. I have three daughters of my own who embrace the same Cinderella heart as mine. And that is perfectly okay with me.

Women are so important in God’s plan and design. I cherish all the women in my life. They are all very different but beautiful in their own way, and each add something special to my life.

I celebrate you…my daughters, daughter-in-law, my readers, my blogging buddies, my friends, old and new, my sister, and my greatly missed mother. ♥️

♥️

Andi

I have several more friends that could be included in this post but I do not have pictures of them. We will have to fix that. 🌸

Original post: August 18, 2020. Edited.

**I have been struggling these past few months to write. My muse, my inspiration, became very ill during the winter. He passed in June. Today is August 1st. A second month has begun without him here. I am struggling with his loss. I look through old posts and give some of them facelifts. I hope you don’t mind recycled posts. It’s the best I can do at this point. ♥️

My morning ritual of coffee and time with God has become very important to me during this trying summer of 2020. I will miss these early mornings on my front porch swing when winter arrives. Today as I read through 2 Peter, my heart found the words to this post.

All my life I’ve been different. Even as a young girl I felt different from my family. Not necessarily like a black sheep. I just never felt like I fit in. And I really didn’t. Well, maybe I was the black sheep. I was awkward. I didn’t get the jokes. And I was taken more seriously, and ridiculed because of it.

I was deeply drawn to God at a very young age. We would play church and I would be the preacher and song leader. We were raised Catholic. Sort of. We weren’t strict Catholics by any means. I had my first communion but never went to confession. Had I done that, I probably would have had to move into a confessional. Not that I was a bad girl per se, but just knowing the way I think (overthink), I would have over-analyzed every thought, every action, and turned it all into sin. And I would have thought that confessing to a priest was the only way I could get to heaven. So I’m glad I didn’t grasp the whole Catholic confession thing at that age. I left the Catholic Church in my mid-teens and became Lutheran when I got married at 19. Eventually, I left there as well and became a plain ole’ Christian.

No matter where I was in life, or what I was doing, I always believed. Even when I was a little girl and understood nothing. I have no idea when I first heard of Jesus. Maybe it was when my mom shared the Christmas story with me. But from day one, I believed. And I had to know Him.

I had within me a flame of determination to find God…and I kept searching until I did. I asked many, many questions in respected places but they could not/ would not answer me. And I had a boatload of questions that needed answers. So I kept searching. It hasn’t been an easy road, but I’ve gained a lot knowledge and insight along the way. And even after finding God, I realize that Christianity is a continued journey of self-discovery, of learning and growing, of obedience and submission, along with daily challenges of His will vs mine.

My story has been filled with highs and lows but is really no different than yours. Situations are different, sure…and each of us is unique, so the way we handle things is also unique. There were times when I was a very strong Christian. And then there were very low times of me testing my independence. But I always knew He was there. Always. Never have I doubted or disputed His existence. Have I denied Him like Peter did? Yes, I have, and shamefully so. But never His existence.

With all this being said, I cannot possibly imagine the emptiness and the loneliness of not believing in God. Actually, Even before I knew God, I believed. I knew He existed. How does the mind (and heart) write off God as nothing? Nonexistent? How does one believe, and then later, not believe? I have never not believed so I cannot comprehend life without Jesus.

What would be our purpose upon this earth?What would give us hope? And what would fill that empty place in our soul if we chose not to believe in God. Why would we even have a soul?

Such an emptiness…I simply cannot imagine.

I know loss and emptiness. I know rejection. But without God…how does one get through?

This week I ask that you to focus on the existence of God. Believe with all your heart that He is real and that He is ever-present. Because He is. We need Him now, today. And He desires for us to come to Him in our joy, and in our sorrow, in our strength, and especially, in our weakness.

Our God is amazing.

God exists.♥️ Be grateful for that.

Andi

Photos: first photo was taken on the way home from the hospital the night before Matt passed; the others are one sunset, different angles, August 13, 2020, (Instead of a storm chaser, I am a sunset chaser.)

Original post: May, 12 2021. Edited.

As I was drinking my coffee, a million thoughts rushed through my head…as usual. I turned on a random religious program. I am not familiar with TV evangelists. This woman preacher had an accent of some sort and I believe her name was Sheila.

As soon as she began to speak, I was touched by the words she said. At the time I initially wrote this post two years ago, I felt separated from others, from society, because of my outward appearance. I was filled with thoughts that I was not good enough for friends, a partner, anyone. I felt judged on my outward flaws. Everyday grew more difficult for me. And I was greatly discouraged.

But the woman named Sheila said our negative thoughts go even deeper than discouragement. She said that with the thoughts we feel about ourselves, we tend feel that God harbors those same thoughts about us. I had never thought about that before…but yes, deep down inside I believe that God feels the same about me as I feel about myself.

And how wrong is that?

VERY!

We want to be accepted by the world. For whatever reason, we need the world’s approval in order to feel worthy to be alive. Jesus was despised by the world. The same world He came to save. And according to the Bible, Jesus’s outward appearance was nothing we would desire. That’s very different from the pictures and movies we see.

Isaiah 3:2
For he grew up before him like a young plant, and like a root out of dry ground; he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him.

But the man Jesus who walked this earth was beautiful on the inside. Still, most rejected Him. His grief came from the rejection of His message not because of His outward appearance.

Isaiah 53:3-4
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.

I don’t need the world’s approval to find my worth. It took me forever to realize this. If my outward appearance keeps relationships from me so be it. My value is in God.

I’m not worthy of salvation but that was the sole purpose of Jesus coming to this earth. He died in our place and through His shed blood, we find our worthiness.

Our thoughts are bold and strong and they often mislead us. We tend to believe that God feels about us the way we feel about ourselves and that’s just not true.

Don’t let the world control your self-worth and devalue your life upon this earth. The world is not your judge. The world has no say in your salvation. Be happy today in who you are, even if you are in a season right now of discomfort. Fix what you can but don’t let your so-called flaws control (ruin) your day. Don’t let them supersede the good within you.

My outward appearance was a huge distraction to me for most of my 62 years. It kept me from living in peace. But I no longer carry that anchor. Only recently have I become free from that burden. Regardless if I am heavy or thin, or somewhere in between, I’m the same person on the inside.

Keep looking upward. Jesus knows how we feel every minute of our life. He took human form and felt all that we feel. He pushed forward with what really matters…the inward part of us. Our soul.

Find your peace today. Love and hugs.♥️

Andi

Photos: mine, except for the last one which was found on the internet.

Original post: March 13, 2022. Edited.

My youngest daughter and I took Nyx for a walk on this lovely Sunday afternoon. For most of this day, I’ve been going through my jewelry, trinkets, and keepsakes; sorting and pitching as I go. There have been a lot of journeys down memory lane. Happy and sad journeys. Much of what I have is from loved ones who are no longer here. So I needed a break.

Nyx’s favorite thing is running. So if no one was present in any direction, I would unleash her and let her have some fun. She never goes far from me though. She’s a one-person dog. That person being me. She suffers from separation anxiety so she needs to be near.

As we walked, Mattea and I laughed a lot at this crazy dog of mine. We talked a lot too. Walking is always a special time for us. We have each other’s full attention. No distractions. Well, except for Nyx who is trying to grab a tree root to play fetch with, or dragging a huge limb into the pathway.

We talked about several things. Mostly, Mattea vented about how hard life is. And I agree. It is very hard. And it just doesn’t get easier as time goes on.

I simply told her: there’s no learning in easy.

There really is no learning in easy. Learning and growing. That’s what we do from birth until death. Trials build character. Difficulties mold and shape us into better, more compassionate people. Or, they should anyway.

Be grateful things aren’t always easy. But rejoice when you find a patch of peace. Pray for relief when life just seems to be too much. Love those who come to your aid during hardship. I know I am blessed with those who care. And I desire to care for others.

James 1:2-4 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect work, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

If you have a chance this week, go for a walk with a loved one. Enjoy conversation with each other without distraction. Well, unless you have your own Nyx to entertain you along the way.

♥️

Andi