Happy Birthday, Dad ♥️

My dad and I butt heads, always. We were always on opposite ends of the earth in our thinking. We clashed on religion, politics, and whether coconut oil is healthy for you or not. (It is.) These weren’t subtle disagreements. They ripped us apart. Everything was big to us. And it was that way from my very young years until his passing in March of 2021.

His presence was massive. And still is in my life. He was loud, harsh, and condescending. I watched him love on and be gentle with my younger sister all through life. That’s what I grew up with. I tried hard to get him to love me as a little girl with little acts of kindness. But then as I grew older, I pretty much gave up. So we did not have a healthy relationship. This made it difficult for me to have healthy relationships with men in my adulthood. I was continually seeking to fill a void that only a dad can fill in his daughter’s life. You simply cannot find that anywhere else.

But then out of the clear blue he would tell me, “I’m proud of you.” Or, he’d say, “You’re a good momma” or “You have great kids”. And he’d tell me he loved me in our few phone calls. Those moments I learned to cling to and treasure today.

This man has had the greatest influence over my life…more than any other person. He still makes me think and rethink. I hear him as I go about my day to day tasks.

He was and forever will be a puzzlement to me. He didn’t teach us kids how to be successful even though he very much was with IBM. It wasn’t until his passing that I realized this. What he did try to teach us, ever-so-subtly, was to be happy. Reading what I’ve written so far this probably sounds quite contradictory. He was, and he wasn’t, happy. He fought his own powerful demons which we never understood. But he did things that brought him great joy and accomplishment all through his life. He lived his life to the fullest and wanted us to do the same.

Through all the hardship and strained years, I still loved my dad. He was, after all, my dad.

Today would be his 82nd birthday. So hard to believe he’s gone. Or, that he’d be 82. He’s has a few more great-grandkids that he’s missed out on.

I wish this complicated man was still here. So much I want to say and things I need to hear from him. Our relationship has given me a lifetime of lessons. I owe a lot to my dad. Through the good and the bad, I am who I am because of the take-aways from our relationship. I never compromised my beliefs. He just made me stronger in them. If that makes sense.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I wish you were here. ♥️

Andi