Today would be my dad’s 81st birthday. Sadly, he left this earth before either of us were ready. It’s hard to let go of unfinished business. He and I had much left undone and unsaid.
As I was going through the treasures that I was given after he passed away, I found this rock. This describes his life to a “t”. It helps me to make some sort sense of all I found to be confusing and frustrating about him.
I miss my father. He was complicated. But so am I. He was a deep thinker. I am too. He was, ohhhhh…so stubborn. Am I? I’d like to think not. But I am very passionate about certain things. Where he found grey, I found black and white, and vise-versa. We shared many of the same traits…just on opposite ends of the spectrum. And at times, those differences separated us by a margin far greater than the east is from the west.
My dad seems to be even more present in my life now than when he was here. I suppose it is because of the unfinished business. He is on my mind more than any one person alive or deceased. My best friend passed away almost six years. We knew where we stood with each other and we shared such a fantastic love for each other for over 30 years before she died unexpectedly. Same for my mom. There was no doubt about our love-filled relationship.
But then there’s my dad. Ever present. Death hasn’t silenced his voice inside my head. I know that sounds creepy but truly, it is not. As I walk back through his life, I can now recognize all that he taught me without him actually having taught me. If that makes sense. I separate the good from the bad, and the good pushes me to do better. And all of it helps me to understand me better.
My dad definitely heard a different drummer and he stepped to that beat all his life. Unashamed. Unapologetic. Unrestrained. He truly was a complicated man, but an accomplished man. At least in the terms of the world. He set out to do many things and he did them all. Maybe he was seeking to fill a void that I believe he knew he had deep within his soul. He just couldn’t grasp what it was and maybe that was the restlessness he suffered throughout his life. Perhaps that restlessness is what pushed him to succeed in whatever sought. Regardless, he lived life fully…and I sure miss him.
After work tonight, I will go to Moore’s Bar and sit. Thirty-five years ago, long before I moved to this area, he frequented this bar. From what I understand the bar has not changed since. Maybe minor touches here and there but the detail is pretty much the same. I feel close to him there because he was there.
I will have a drink and wish he was sitting across from me so I could tell him one more time just how much I love him and I’d wish him a happy birthday. ♥️