A Realization

I am becoming more vastly aware of many things as I get older. One, is how lonely people are in and out of marriages. I am lonely outside of marriage as I’ve been divorced now almost 8 years. I had much healing to do and much to come to terms with. Many people are fine with being alone. And while I do enjoy my space and a little independence, I wasn’t designed to be alone. Last night I came to an understanding of why I’m not in a relationship. And why I probably never will be.

We come from an imperfect world, yet we demand perfection. Perfect, I am not. I know my imperfections and those are a stumbling block for me. I want to be as perfect as I can be, with all my imperfections, in order to be a good, no…a great, partner. But everyday I seem to find myself further behind. I am missing the mark I’ve set for myself. I saw that vividly last night. And while I might be vague in this post about what exactly my particular realization is, I just want to share my thoughts with you. In other words, vent.

Life has taken its toll on me. I’m the same person, yet very different. This last year has been especially hard on me, on everybody. And I get that. But I’m just not springing back like I should. This isn’t how I anticipated life would be at 60. It’s downright hard. And it’s lonely.

I think I have the right to say “I’m not good enough” for a relationship because I know me. Now don’t send me a bunch of messages of worry for me. Don’t be worried. It’s not like that. But you have to be smart. And observant. You have to be able to ask yourself, “what do I have to offer another person?” And you need to be honest. Honesty is a killer of sorts. It can be brutal. If you cannot see your own value then you cannot share with another. It’s as simple as that.

I’m always going to be a fixer upper. Even more-so-now with age. No one really wants to pursue, or deal, with that. And I get it…and yet, I don’t. Starting over at this age with the expectations of a yesterday long gone, is not conducive to a healthy new relationship. Saying goodbye to my youth is the hardest thing for me, and I’m not dealing with that aspect of life very well.

There’s also this huge issue called baggage. We have one or more suitcases full by the time we are middle age plus. So at this age, if looking for a relationship, you have to sort it out by asking what can I live with, and what can’t I live without. And this can be a very difficult task.

This blog is a slight distraction from my dad’s situation. But he has been stirring up some much deeper thoughts about life and love. As I try to fit my own pieces of life together, past and present, I realize what a difficult puzzle I’ve lived. It’s a mess really. Torn pieces. Dark pieces. Beautiful pieces. Missing pieces. I guess that’s a harsh reality of life.

I can honestly say though, that after all these years I see great progress in finding my inner peace. Daily, I strive to be a better and happier person. The Apostle Paul suffered from what he called a “thorn in his flesh” and he prayed that it be removed. We can speculate what the thorn was. Many believe it was poor eyesight. But God didn’t remove it from Paul, from my understanding. Paul needed to endure it throughout his time. We all have a thorn or two in our life. I am no exception. For one, I believe I am not designed to be alone. But the reality is that I need to come to terms with it.

Don’t be sad. This wasn’t meant to make you sad. Or mad. This is me sharing with you real life feelings. Maybe you have similar and maybe this helped. Maybe it didn’t. I just needed to get it out.

We need to make peace with ourselves. We need to be honest with ourselves too. Even if it hurts.

I hope you have a wonderful day. I plan on having a good day even though I am preparing for the next part of my journey with Dad.♥️

Andi

Photos: a beautiful scene on my way home from work last night.

10 thoughts on “A Realization

  1. You are not as a mess as you think you are. ❤
    Just knowing your not perfect is a good thing and you have more insight which makes you perfect

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve shared some of my life with you. And you haven’t hit that point of desperacy so you’re doing very well for yourself.

    It sucks. I understand that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I share what I can in a way I feel might help others. It’s a tricky, slippery slope but I do the best I can. I want my blog to be centered around hope and inspiration. Even if I sound in a place of desperation, I hope to connect to someone. I don’t desire pity. But I offer strength in the knowledge that you or anybody is not alone with the the feelings you have. It is my wish that a single sentence may stand out enough to help someone sort things out in their own life. We all have ups and downs. The only difference is I share mine in written form. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I know you and I don’t think you will be alone forever. You are an extremely lovely person inside and out and have a big heart. Who doesn’t want to hang out with that? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Honesty is a good thing. But our eyes sometimes see things that we mistake for something else. We think we are being honest… but we are often incorrect. We were not designed to be alone. Yet many of us are- by choice, by chance, by pain, by fear… the list is endless. Not one of us is perfect. You are very self aware and determined to grow and give. That’s a pretty damn good self portrait you are creating. We all need to be loved. I hope you remember to color that into the masterpiece of your life. Learning to love yourself is an ongoing, fluid, constantly changing process. Learn to be gentle with yourself, Andréa. Learn to be kind, and loving, and forgiving of yourself. Don’t fear your baggage. That,too, is often illusionary. You cannot make decisions and plans for your life beyond some very basic groundwork. Continue to cultivate love and kindness and your future will blossom with exactly what – and who- you need. You, my dear, are exactly what someone else out there is searching for. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I appreciate your insight and for your kind thoughts, Kate. I realize too that my journey may be something I am to do alone. It’s not something I want but it has become ever more clear to me. And yes, I could be wrong, but I’m not feeling it anymore. I love you, Kate. ♥️

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: