I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. And I apologize to those who have sent encouraging messages for me to continue.
But frankly, I lost something.
I won’t bore you with details. But just know that I am coherent enough to realize that I am nearing rock bottom and I need to help myself. I’ve been here before.
When you can no longer make sense of anything, when tears are your constant companion, when your body is becoming weaker, heavier, and less healthy, and when depression is your constant shadow even on cloudy days, you know you have to take some type of action. So I took just one small step in a positive direction.
Autumn is my favorite season. These first signs of autumn excite me. I feel more alive in the fall than any other season. My senses are more intense. I have beautiful connections of heart this time of year. I have better clarity of mind. And my soul finds its peace.
It is my time of reflection.
As this insane year comes to a close, and I begin to reflect, I realize that everything I hoped for, envisioned, dreamed of, and planned for 2020 was nullified because of political hatred and an agenda that used a virus (with an almost 100% recovery rate) to stop our lives, ruin us financially, but most importantly tried to break our spirit. And I have to say that I am a different person because of it. Yes, I learned much from this year, and in many respects I am a better person. But…I will admit that I have suffered brokenness. And it’s taken it’s toll on me financially, emotionally, and physically.
But lately I’ve noticed that I haven’t been feeling well physically. I have gained weight since March when all this madness started as I am an emotional eater. Intense stress will throw off hormones and cause you to gain weight. Overeating healthy foods can still cause you to gain weight. Throw in sugary comfort food periodically to fulfill cravings, and waaala, clothes start to feel tighter. So with this being said, two days ago I bought myself blood glucose monitoring kit. I am testing myself to see where my blood sugar levels are. My levels are not really all that bad but not where I want them to be. So now I have goals to shoot for. Goals that I can control. That means I need to eat better and more rationally, and exercise. Anything to make me feel better at this point.
Will I stress eat at times? Probably. But I won’t look at it as failure. I will look at it as steps still taken in the right direction because that is where my mind is. My mind is on the right track (now) and my body just needs to catch up. It’s about being kind to yourself. Forgiving and loving. Be aware and attentive to your needs. When I think about all this body has gone through, and done for me, and how it still allows me to accomplish the things I need (and want) to do, I am grateful for it. Oh, it will never be perfect (whatever that is) but it’s mine and it’s given me a good life.
Reflection is so very important. It helped me to see that I was in a desperate place. We can use it to evaluate where we are currently and where we need to be. Autumn is a fine place to start reflecting on your life and how the year has been so far. But know that reflection doesn’t always pertain to evaluating your life and determining changes that need to be made. It can be heartwarming remembrances of loved ones and times that are no longer. Reflection encompasses so much more than just self-improvement.
I was losing myself rather quickly but I’m finally back in the driver’s seat. I guess I should say that I’m finally sitting upfront next to the Driver. I’m not sure where or what God has in mind for my life, but this was something I had to do on my own because I saw it.
I hope you find autumn to be your time of reflection. Find peace and solace in nature as it begins to wind down after a long hot summer. There is so much beauty in this season. Just be.
Enjoy the first signs of autumn. There is still so much more to come. Be grateful for the ability to reflect and to make necessary changes, if there is a need. ♥️
PS As far as writing, I can only say that I will write when I can. I feel so distanced from it currently. Hopefully, though, they will be worth the wait. ♥️
PHOTOS: 1, Denae’s colorful harvest, August 29, 2020; 2-4, on a country walk, August 19, 2020; 5, sunrise, September 4, 2020; 6-7, sunrise, September 5, 2020: 8, beautiful sedum, September 5, 2020