I woke up with nothing to write. I didn’t even plan to write my weekly Sunday blog as I’m taking time off.
But then I started making coffee…
My mom loved coffee. Absolutely loved coffee. Me too. And I miss having coffee with my beautiful mom. She passed away five years ago today. It was on a Sunday too, just like today. She took a nap after lunch and never woke up again. I imagine she had a cup of coffee with her lunch.
Mom wanted to be cremated and she told us kids that she wanted to go to a beautiful place to rest in the Chiricahua Mountains in southeastern Arizona. She didn’t have a particular place chosen but I found Sugar Loaf Mountain and thought it would be perfect.
But nearing the end of life, she wanted to go home, referring to Minnesota. Mom suffered from vascular dementia so the last couple of years of her life were extremely difficult for her, and heartbreaking for us. Especially for my siblings who lived near her and had to make decisions and judgement calls on her behalf. We knew that she wanted to go to Arizona before dementia moved in, but in the end, she just simply wanted to go home.
When I think about where is home to me, I’m really confused. They say home is where the heart is. In that case, my home is scattered among several states and even in another country, as my kids are all over the place. Is home for me where I grew up? Or is it in another state where I finished school, made good friends, married, and had two children? Or is it here, after another move, a second marriage, four more children, and where I raised all six of them? The home I live now doesn’t really feel like home. Oh, after a long day, a hard day, or even a good day, I want to come home. But this house does not hold the ties of home in my heart. It’s been difficult here since my divorce, and with the kids moving away, so I could leave this house and it’d be okay.
Last night I talked to my friend, Judy, in Tennessee. We were best friends for many years. We’ve been together since kindergarten. We lost each other 22 years ago but finally reconnected this summer. I asked Judy where home is to her as she also moved far away from where we grew up. She said that home is wherever her husband is. They married when she was 17. Considering we are 59 now, I’d say that pretty amazing. I’d call that home too.
I shared with her that my heart sort of feels homeless and is restless, as I don’t know where I belong. She said she understands how difficult that is, and of course, she’d like for me to find my home in Tennessee with her. (Gotta love her.) I do have hope that I will feel at home again someday. Wherever that may be.
As I reflect on this topic of home, I can’t help but think of our eternal home. It will be one of two places. Preferably, I’d like to be with Jesus. As I place more trust in God, I am becoming increasingly closer to Him. And that is peaceful. Letting go of my control and handing it over to Jesus hasn’t been easy but I definitely feel burdens gradually being lifted. I feel somewhat freer. I realize now how distant I’ve been from Him, and I am grateful for the opportunity (and time) to find my way back.
Through scripture we know that Jesus has gone to prepare a place for us in heaven. It will be more beautiful than we could possibly ever imagine. And there, we will won’t feel lost or restless, as I do now. We won’t wonder we where home is. We will know. And it will be perfect.
John 14: 2,3
2 In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.
1 Corinthians 9:2
But, as it is written, what no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.
We’ve decided to take Mom back home to Minnesota. We have no memories with her in Arizona as she visited there without us. We have many memories with her in Minnesota where we spent a big part of our summers when growing up. I think she’d be really happy with our decision.
My hope is that her final home is heaven. I am neither the judge nor jury in the matter of salvation, so I will not usurp authority over God’s, as I have no authority. I don’t pretend to know the intimate relationship between anyone and God. But I believe God is fair and just, compassionate and loving. And that gives me great comfort.
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
I hope you know where your earthly home is and that you find great peace there. But I also pray that you are preparing for your eternal home in heaven.
I’m drinking coffee with my mom this morning on my porch swing. I miss her so very much.
Be grateful for your earthly home, the hope of a heavenly home, and for your mother. ♥️
Photos: 1) my beautiful mom with my two oldest sons (who were pretty little then) at my brother’s wedding (this is how I remember her); 2) our family in Minnesota; 3) my six kids, 2016; 4) a beautiful picture of Mom gazing upward (I can only imagine) 5) Mom ♥️