Forgiveness, Harboring, Triggers, and Healing

These thoughts are very deep on their own without grouping them altogether. But I am going to do my best to address them in this post as to how they make sense to me. I find this topic to be important.

This is my disclaimer: I am not a doctor of anything. I have zero degrees. I am expressing my thoughts and opinions. I’m sharing what works for me.

I have had to think about forgiveness a lot in my life. Perhaps you have too. My opinion on forgiveness is somewhat different from most. You might disagree also, but let me explain my point of view. Maybe I can give you a new thought to consider anyway.

When Jesus was on the cross and He asked His Father to “forgive them for they know not what they do”, did God forgive them? No. If He had, the Bible would have ended right at the cross…but it didn’t. And we need to ask why?

Jesus paved the way, through His shed blood, to forgiveness of our sins. We need to recognize our own sin before we desire His mercy. And, hopefully, we respond accordingly, with a repentant heart and asking for His forgiveness.

Does God forgive us when we don’t ask? No. Why, then, would He ask of me, a mere human, to do something He Himself does not do? Why would I be required to forgive someone who is not remorseful and has not approached me?

I know grace falls in there somewhere but I don’t own that power. God knows our heart very personally. He can allow grace at his discretion. I do not claim to know the true heart of anyone.

This may sound brazen, but I have not forgiven my ex-mother-in-law or ex-brother-in-law for 23 years. They are not sorrowful for what they did to me and my family. They have not apologized. I do not feel I must forgive them in order to be right with God. What I have chosen not to do is harbor their actions, their hatred, or the past. I have let them go. I realize that they have to live with their own sins just as I have to live with mine. And I have peace in that.

Does this mean I haven’t healed? No, I don’t believe so and I’ll tell you why.

After the holocaust, many of those who survived the concentration camps went on to live successful lives. They fell in love, started families, and opened businesses. They moved on from those terrible days when they lived through unimaginable horror. One of my favorite books is The Happiest Man on Earth. If you have not read this book, I think it would be to your benefit to do so. The story is about a man who personally lived through horrific concentration camps and survived. He went on to live a happy life.

But, my guess is if you were to take Eddie Jaku, or any other survivor, and bring up the past, they would be deeply pained to revisit those days that had been pushed to the back of their memories. This is a form of triggering.

Of course, they would feel the pain. They are human! And as humans, we never completely forget. After a triggering of some sort, they may relive those days in their mind and every small, evil thing will come back to haunt them. And probably in the dead of night. But, hopefully, not for a long period of time.

I certainly can’t answer for them, but does this recall of pain mean they have continued to live in the past and have not healed, or were they simply triggered?

If a holocaust survivor was out and about in their new life and overheard a conversation about the torments in a concentration camp, or came across a certain smell, or heard a song sung by their fellow Jews that reminded them of those days, they might become triggered.

Being triggered is not fun. But are the triggers the cause of their pain? Or, ours? No. The camps are closed, and the sadistic people who were in charge can no longer torture them.

Triggers are going to happen because we never fully forget the past. We need to see them for what they are…something that makes us remember. Triggers make us uncomfortable and maybe we even suffer again to some extent. But there’s no way to prevent them. And they are not to blame for our anguish.

I can get triggered if people, who have pained me in the past, simply come up in conversation. I don’t want to recall the past because I chose to let go. Does that mean I haven’t healed? Nope. I know that the people from my past can no longer hurt me, abuse me, control me, or manipulate me. And, I fully understand there will always be triggers in my life. There will always be someone, or something, out there that forces me remember what I chose to forget.

Abuse is wrong no matter what form it comes in. No person should ever be abused by another. But if it happens, it is almost a decision to harbor the painful past, or to move on by letting go. I choose to let it go. If someone has difficulty making that decision on their own, seeking outside help would be ideal. I also understand, too, that trauma can be buried deep at the time of abuse and can resurface later in life in one form or another. Those situations need special attention as well.

Healing is very individual. How I make peace with a situation may be very different from how you make peace. But it doesn’t mean I’m wrong or that you’re wrong. Or, that you’ve healed and I have not. We just deal with things differently. And that’s okay.

Hopefully, I’ve reflected my thoughts in a good and clear manner. These things have been on my mind and it was good for me to write it all out, even if it was for my own benefit.

I am all forgiving when someone comes to me and asks. The hardest person for me to forgive is myself. I’m pretty hard on that girl. I admit I will forever be a work in progress.

♥️

Andi