The Darkest Tunnel

Back in the mid to late 90’s, I traveled through one of the darkest tunnels of my life. My vision of life was narrowly channeled, dark and enclosed. Very little light shown at the end of the of the darkness. Strangely, the longer I traveled through the tunnel, the light became smaller and even more distant. 

I spent much time in that gold, velvety rocking chair in the kid’s room…just rocking away, with or without a child on my lap. Life was bleak. I lacked ambition, intention, desire, and dreams. I moved through daily motions because I had to, not because of love. I despised who I was. I lacked understanding of my purpose. I couldn’t comprehend the darkness. I wanted to be left alone yet I was lonely. At my lowest point I felt I could get in my car and drive away without ever looking back. 

I’m not proud of that moment. But it needs to be shared. Depression and mental health issues are very real, and almost 30 years later, these issues have only increased in our population. Young and old suffer today. Many suffer in complete silence like I did.

While many things contribute to depression, this post is about what affects me most…food. 

After I hit that lowest low, I discovered that I was borderline diabetic. That scared me. I believed diabetes affected older people, other people. Certainly, not me. Sadly, diabetes affects every part of the human body. It’s not localized to one part or another. It is systemic. 

From September of 1992 to November of ‘95, I birthed three children so I realize that I was probably already nutritionally depleted by the time I traveled through that tunnel. After my low point, I began to research health and nutrition more in depth. Of course, the information changes as new research evolves by more in-depth studies. The body and how it responds to food is fascinating to me. I don’t believe that in a lifetime we will ever completely understand the intricate working of the mind and body. All we can do is search for answers and discover what works best for us as an individual. I don’t believe there is a one-size-fits-all answer. Our bodies are quite unique.  All I can do here is share my own personal experiences.

After I removed sugar from my diet, the tunnel became shorter which allowed more light in. Soon I was standing outside of the confinement and in the warmth of the sun. I was happy once again. Nothing was a difficult because every task was done out of love for my family.  And even though it was the food I was putting into my mouth that spoke to me and for me, I was ashamed that I felt I could ever leave my children. 

I am a sugar addict. It is a terrible thing to desire something so intensely that will ultimately destroy my mind. You wonder why that is. Why would your body crave something that harms it?

I’ve been 100% carnivore since January 1st of this year. Well, that is until last Friday. I was exhausted with my camp week and with preparing food for my family that I did not prepare my own food. Exhaustion and hunger are not a good mix for me. I caved. I broke. I fell. I ate the foods I had been avoiding all these months. Potato salad, bread, bbq sauce, coleslaw, chips, and even ice cream. I craved everything sugary again. This eating continued for three days. My palate was happy but the rest of me was not. I woke up each day with bags under my eyes. My hands, legs, ankles, and feet were swollen. I had pitting edema. My arthritic pain was through the roof. My mind began to lose clarity and I could feel depression beginning to close in on me. 

Enough was enough. I couldn’t go through all that again nor could I put my family through it. I need to be as close to 100% as possible for myself and them. And I know what works for me to achieve that. 

Happily, I’m back on carnivore. Already good, positive changes are returning. A hard but well-needed lesson has been learned. Now I know. My addiction is still very real even with the many months of absence. I also learned that foods cannot be introduced back into my diet. I still have much healing to do. Many more years of healing, actually.

Tunnel vision is scary. Be mindful of the place you’re at. If something feels off, check your diet. Don’t allow the food you eat to dictate your life, health, and wellbeing. Don’t allow food to steal your mind. And do not be ashamed to seek professional help if you just cannot grasp this on your own. Sometimes the darkness is just bigger than we are. There is no shame in admitting that. 

There are many things I am learning about health and nutrition. I will continue to study so I can perhaps help others by broadening their view. I will share what I learn. I suggest you do your own research as well. Look at both sides carefully, as there are always at least two sides, and draw your own conclusion. Discover what works best for your optimum health and quality of life. 

♥️

Andi