First Nights

Original post: June 3, 2024. It’s been a fast year since that first night without my last baby here with me. Many nights have passed since. Time doesn’t stand still for anyone…not even for the yearning heart of a mother. I’m grateful for the wonderful memories of when my children were under my roof. I’m also grateful for the adults they have grown up to be and the lives they have of their own. Life isn’t for the faint of heart with all the changes that occur from day to day. Learning to bend isn’t easy for some. Myself included. But life is grand and blessings abound. I am thankful that my youngest has done well in her first year away from home. God is just so good.

June 1, 2024

The shadows are long as it’s 8:30 pm. But the night will be even longer as the shadows will soon blend with the night sky. I’m glad I don’t work tomorrow.

I have six children ranging in ages from 41-22. One by one each left my home. They left my care, my shelter, my arms, my nightly “sweet dreams”. Tonight is my last first night.

Often time seemed slow. I would think ahead to a day when each of my kids would leave home. Even though I thought of it, I’m not so sure I believed they would actually leave. Don’t get me wrong. I wanted my kids to succeed just as any other parent out there. I just didn’t believe that day would ever come…

It’s hard to fathom I’m 63 and my mommy days are over. I’ve been a mom since I was 21. Those were the best years of my life even though I didn’t recognize it at the time. I’m not sure what I was wishing for back then that didn’t allow me to fully treasure each and every moment. What a fool I was.

My baby just pulled out of the driveway. She won’t be sleeping in this house again. For 22 years she was my shadow. Always there trying to make my bad days good and my good days even better. Flowers on my pillow when I came home from work. A decorated house for my every birthday. A song and a dance to cheer me up. Hugs that warmed me. A foot rub after a long, hard day. Always a comforter to me.

I miss the girl who wore her swimtoot in the winter and would swim across the dining room floor. I miss her tiny hands in the dirt, along mine, as we planted flowers. I miss her attachment to her pillow named “Holey”. Even her blanket was special with a hole of its own.

I miss homeschool assignments even when I was frustrated. I miss our spur-of-moment drives that took us anywhere away from here. I even miss her scaring me with that stupid rubber mouse.

Her closet is empty. The walls that were once covered in anything and everything that she loved are now bare. The house is silent. This night will be long. This first night…

Each child has given me wonderful memories that weighed heavily on my heart during their first night away. I’m grateful even though it hurts terribly.

I am excited for her future just as I was with the other five who blazed their own trails before her. I remember my own excitement when I left home at 19. But now I understand what my mom felt on that first night without me under her roof. We certainly didn’t feel the same.

I’m not so good with change. I’m not so good with letting go.

I wish I had my momma tonight so I could talk to her about first nights. I know she’d understand. ♥️

Andi