Understanding Who I Am

So today was a difficult day. I spent much of it wrapped in the heated drama of our small town. I got caught up in the controversy, the frustration, the helplessness, the defenseless, the seriousness, the anger.

I wrote long ago about who I am as a person. I take things to heart easily, but I also wear that same heart on my sleeve. All my life I’ve prided myself as being a healer or fixer of sorts. I want to make things better. All things. People things. Country things. World things. And that’s all fine and dandy IF I can help and make a positive difference. But often, I can’t. Some things are just way bigger than me. Like the serious problems in my town.

I am also a sponge. I soak up the pain and chaos all around me. That’s why I quit watching the news. The heaviness of our world’s problems consumed my whole being. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I had to make a change. I felt a weight lifted when I walked away from the news and social media. I can pray about anything and everything because God is aware of it all. I just don’t need to know all the disturbing details. But even when I become aware of issues and yet cannot fix a single thing, I make those problem(s) my own. Like I don’t have enough of my own. Does this even make any sense?

So after work today, I still carried the concerns of the whole town with me. Not on my back where you typically carry heavy loads. Not in a wagon to pull behind me. No, I carried it all in my gut, and sadly, in my heart. I was stressed out. I was angry. The conversations of the morning drained me emotionally and physically. I was totally out of it as I zombied my way through the many errands I had after work.

Luckily, my friend, D, was able to talk me down with a sternness that was wrapped in love and kindness. As I get to know him better he is becoming more and more like a tether to me. Oh, not in a bad way. He’s not a ball and chain. But he does keep me grounded. And that’s a very good thing. He calmly called me out on things that no one else ever has before. He challenged me to sort out my thoughts and emotions that were still very hot from this morning. He made me think.

So as I lie here in bed unable to sleep, I realize that through difficulties I am able to grow. Everything I’ve written in my blog for the last four years is insight of what I’ve gained throughout my lifetime so far. Hopefully, more right than wrong insight. Life experiences show me who I am, who I desire to be, and who God needs me to be…IF I am willing to listen and learn. And I will be honest with you here. I do not claim to be perfect. I am nowhere near perfect. I have made bad choices throughout my life because I wasn’t willing to listen. But I listen more intently as I grow up. See…wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Tonight, D listened. He questioned me. And he actually helped me to see things about myself for the first time. It hurt a little and was slightly embarrassing, but it’s what I needed. And I am grateful.

I need to squeeze the sponge and rid myself of the toxic pain that doesn’t belong inside of me. I cannot bear the weight of my whole town. My job there is finished in two weeks. Even so, it’s not my place to bear the burden of others so deeply. It solves nothing and only hurts me…and others around me. I need to find balance. How can I be helpful without becoming the sole bearer of so much pain?

It’s a lifelong path I have walked to understanding who I am.

I think to D, I am one of the top 10 unsolved mysteries of the world. But that’s okay with me. He seems to be willing to try to solve the mystery. I’m just glad he’s in my world.

I learned a great lesson. Will I go through something like this again? Probably, but perhaps on a smaller scale. I am human and I can get tripped up pretty easily sometimes. Okay, often. My internal design is to help others. While I embrace that, I see the need to approach cautiously, wisely, and with much prayer.

I appreciate you for reading this lengthy post. Maybe it has helped you in some way too. After all, I can’t be the only sponge walking this earth besides Bob. ♥️

Andi

Photo credit: my daughter, Charlie; video clips of someplace beautiful in Florida, 2024