Balance

Sometimes we become unbalanced. You say (or write) one thing, but then your life shows a completely different picture; a side of you that isn’t quite as stable as how you’ve projected to others. Is that a sign of weakness or of being a hypocrite? Maybe. But I don’t believe it is in every case.

Sometimes your life is like a dart board where everyone and everything is focused on jabbing your center. It’s hard to stay strong when you can barely see who all is aiming at you because you are getting hit so often and so hard.

I am one of those people. I can help others with strong, sometimes wise, and encouraging words, yet I can be totally blown off course too. I’m human like that. Then I find myself in the midst of all kinds of negativity. And I can truly be my own worst enemy.

I suffer from:

Insecurities.

Negative body image.

Unworthiness.

Negative self-talk

Unforgiving.

Emotional eating.

And…I struggle to love myself.

I wonder how could I love myself when significant others in my past couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t. What was it about me that made me so unloveable, so unworthy. There has to be a reason why, right? Well…I believed them without ever knowing why. That’s me. Gullible. Naive. Trusting to a fault.

Tonight I chose to open up and talk to my friend. I poured out all my ugliness and laid it out for him to see. And you know what? He didn’t find it ugly in the least bit. He spoke encouraging words. He lifted me up and helped to put things in perspective. He didn’t shame me or make me feel I was bothering him with nonsense. He shared his thoughts about those who pained me in my past. He brought some balance to this off-balanced girl.

Balance. This is why in God’s design of the human race he created us to need each other. Humans were not designed to run solo.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll brush myself off and get back in the saddle. I will start by writing out the many positives in my life, and stop dwelling on the negatives and my past pain. I will find my strength.

If someone in my past couldn’t love me…just maybe it wasn’t about me. I am very far from perfect but maybe I’ve made it more about me when really it was about their own insecurities and pain. I will never know for sure.

As a reminder to you, when I write these posts, I write with myself first in mind. I have a great need to hear these things. I’ve said this many times: If I can connect with just one person, maybe that person will realize they are not alone. I don’t ever want someone to feel alone in their struggles and pain. That’s why I share mine. If I can connect with you, that’s just awesome.

I’m thankful to God for strategically placing people in my life at all the right times. God is so good.

Goodnight. ♥️

Andi