As the Taillights Fade into Her Future

On Friday, I drove my youngest daughter and my granddaughter to my oldest daughter’s home near Chicago. My middle daughter met us there on Saturday. She drove up in her new Nissan Rogue. It was a great weekend with my beautiful, fun-loving girls.

The weekend was filled with birthday fun for two of my grandchildren and actually, all three of my girls, although a couple girls were celebrated early.

When I went to bed, it felt good to know that all of my girls were with me again under one roof. Even if it wasn’t my roof.

I thought about my little granddaughter sleeping next to me and how it wasn’t so long ago that my girls were her age of 6.

When my oldest, Denae, was 18, she loaded up her Honda CVR and drove away to this faraway land that she now calls home. She found love and started a family of her own. How brave she was to pick up and move away to a place unfamiliar.

Now my Charlie is planning to do the same very soon…only her faraway land is much further away.

Charlie and I decided to leave Denae’s at the same time and take the same route home. We left with wonderful memories from the weekend. If the truth be told, my heart still hurts every time I leave my Denae…even though she’s now almost 31.

As we drove home, Charlie followed me until we stopped for gas at my favorite Love’s. Charlie and I went into the bathroom and laughed uncontrollably at stupid things while washing our hands. I looked at her reflection in the mirror as she was laughing and couldn’t believe that this beautiful woman was my little girl…just all grown up.

When we got to our cars she said she might take a different route home from there. I said okay even though I wanted to cry a little inside. This is the hardest part of being a mom. Letting go.

I left Love’s first. When we got to a four lane highway Charlie passed me. It was odd to look over and see my girl passing me on a highway.

I was keeping up with her for a bit but then I knew I had to back off and give her space. That was what she needed. Space and independence. This was a representation of our new relationship as mom and daughter. You know…my letting go part.

When I told my youngest daughter, Mattea, that I needed to slow down and let Charlie pull ahead, she knew exactly what I was referring to. She knew I was referring to the bigger picture in Charlie’s life. Everything that Mattea spoke my heart was already feeling.

So I let Charlie pull ahead. I watched her vehicle get smaller and smaller. Finally her taillights faded into the road ahead of me.

While I’m excited that Charlie will be doing things I only dreamed of doing, my heart hurts that she will be so far away and living a life I know nothing about. The pain is about me no longer being the mom of a child, but of an independent adult woman. And of my need to always want to protect her.

I am reliving the same sentiments of watching that CRV pull out of my driveway thirteen years ago. Sadness, anxiety, concern, worry…and yet, excitement.

Tonight when I go to sleep, I’ll focus on my girls’ laughter from this weekend and treasure Charlie’s reflection found in a Love’s bathroom mirror. Tonight I’ll try to not to think about the Nissan taillights as they fade into her future. I’ll save that for daylight hours. ♥️💔

Andi