FEAR

Part Two

Choosing God Over Fear

Honestly, I have spent my entire life being scared. Scared of being around other people. Scared of people not liking me. Scared to make decisions or stepping outside the box. Scared of saying or doing anything that would give others opportunity to talk about me. Scared of all the what ifs…things that never happen anyway. Scared of the news. Scared of change. Scared, scared, scared….

These are the fears that tend to paralyze me. These are the fears that keep me from taking chances. They keep me from living. The worst of all fears. Well, other than hell.

Having a list of life goals and being too afraid to do what is necessary to make them reality only leads to regret. When I’m on my deathbed I don’t want the thoughts of I could of, should of, to be the last thing on my mind.

So…I replaced fear with trust in God.

I prayed that He lead me. That He would show me the path I needed to take in order to heal and grow stronger. I needed time for me otherwise there would be no more me.

First of all, I knew I needed change jobs. I had been discouraged since I started working there but I was too afraid to make the decision to actually leave. I was afraid to add another wrong decision to my lengthy Bad Decision list.

FEAR…

Everyone would tell me I was great at work and that I treated people with kindness. But the stress, combined with sitting all day long, was hard on me. It depleted me to the point where my health, both physically and mentally, deteriorated pretty rapidly. I prayed hard for direction because my life had become dark and I felt absolutely hopeless.

After several months of prayer, God finally answered. Actually, I shouldn’t use the word finally. He wasn’t late. God answered in His time, not mine. And I understand why now. I had to completely submit.

God opened a new door and I trusted Him enough to walk through it. After two years, I finally left that job for another. Now I make my own hours and I have much more free time. I took a cut in pay but I also work less hours. Time I needed. And I don’t mean that in a selfish way.

But I was soon to find out that God wasn’t done with me yet. I still had more to learn.

You see…I started to doubt. What caused my doubt? Fear. When God opens a door for you, do not doubt. It means you do not trust Him completely. I had difficulty that first month adjusting to working less hours. I was used to working 8-5, Monday thru Friday. Can you believe I actually felt guilt for not working full time? Doubt.

The girls at my old job all received big raises as soon as I left due to the company merging with another. Did I do the right thing? The girls, especially one, had to take my workload on top of their already heavy responsibilities. So I felt even more guilt. I wondered if leaving was the right thing to do. Doubt.

Fear overwhelmed me as I doubted. I doubted because of fear. A vicious cycle. I lost sight of all that God had blessed me with and I hit bottom again.

So during the holidays, God showed me the serious state of my health. I had prayed for a job like this so I would have time to heal and grow stronger but I wasn’t using the time He gave me wisely. I had been given a gift but I was too busy feeling guilt and doubt about all that I asked for and was blessed with!

I had to wake up…or else.

If I didn’t honor the prayers that God had answered I wasn’t going to find any peace. Nothing was going to work as I had hoped and prayed for.

I had conquered the fear aspect of making the ginormous decision to leave one job and take another. But I didn’t do it alone. And I’ve made significant progress with my health, my relationship with God, and my attitude since the first of the year.

I drastically changed my diet and started stretching and walking. My mind is clearer. I am more energetic, and my arthritic pain has decreased about 90%. I removed the news from my life too, I admit I was addicted to it. What you feed your mind is just as important as what you feed your gut.

I have to share with you that I am happier than I have been in a very long time. And for the first time in I-don’t-know-how-long, I am not depressed in January. I’m actually excited about the future.

I couldn’t have done any of this if it wasn’t for God. I chose God over fear. I know I am in the very early stage of these changes but the only way I will fail is if I doubt God and allow fear to rule my life again.

I thought I was was allowing God to lead, but honestly, I was not. I realize too that it’s not a man I have longed for to fill the void in my life. It is God I’ve needed all along. If He were to bless me someone that would be great. But I know I am fine, perfectly fine, on my own. And I am really happy.

My Denae read Fear, Part One almost as soon as it was posted. She shared with me a couple of details that I had conveniently forgotten. But, as she said, it was a traumatic experience. (She was one of my kids that I pushed aside while on the run.) Denae said I stood up to Jason Voorhees and not many, if any, can say that. And I lived to tell about it. 😳

I wish you a great year. A year without fear. A year to stand up to Jasons. A year to take chances. A year to grow closer to God. And a year of peace. ♥️

Andi