As I sit in my Lazy Boy with my Sunday morning coffee, I reflect on the last week. Actually, I’m reflecting a little further back about a month. Lots of life changes packed in a relatively short period of time.
The changes aren’t all good per say, but the lessons are. Whenever life challenges you, you must take what good you can from it or it’s all for naught.
My heart is still heavy with many things. I am, after all, a mom, a woman, a fixer-upper, a human. I’ve always been this massive sponge. Not only do I absorb your problems along with mine, I try to fix everything. And I cannot. Many things are not mine to fix. Many things are better left in God’s hands because I see through weak human eyes.
I have to say that the last month has been more humbling than all my months combined. I am not the same. Nor do I want to return to that girl of yesterday. Her priority was all wrong.
After admitting to God that His will is so much better than mine (less painful too), I find great peace and comfort in my own home now. I have felt displaced for such a long time. I didn’t feel good anywhere. Here or there, or anywhere. A stranger in my own home. But the grass truly isn’t greener anywhere else and my home is a blessing, a sanctuary. Wishing for everything you don’t have is vain. I see blessings now because I quit fighting God. I have been humbled on many levels.
Up until recently I had been wondering in great detail what my purpose in life was now that my children are grown, my grandchildren are far from me, and I have no husband to care for. I felt I was just taking up air and space and that my life was truly over. I actually questioned my very existence. My expectations of what life was to be at this age is nothing even close to realty. I need purpose.
Well, I am certainly discovering what my purpose is not.
*It is not to be in charge of some spectacular feat.
*It’s not to control things that are not mine to control.
*It’s not fearing and worrying, or instilling those in others.
*It’s not to be recognized as someone with great knowledge, wealth, speech, or motivation.
No, it appears my purpose is subdued. It’s quiet. It’s behind the scenes. No recognition. No monetary reward. I believe my purpose is to be available for others as needed. I am to be a strength, a prayer warrior, and maybe even share a little wisdom and guidance. It may seem like such a small responsibility in our worldly view of things, but I believe in God’s eyes it is mighty.
I’m on the downward side of this mountain of life. I can’t say that I’m thrilled with that reality at all. When I reflect over the years it’s very clear that my life was messy. And it affected the lives of many. But I’m not so arrogant that I cannot admit my failure. I wish I would have allowed God to open doors and clear those thorny pathways. No, I had to be in control. But we cannot go back to change a single breath in our life. I will use all that I have learned, and am learning still, to help those seeking guidance. This is the closest I can get to righting a wrong.
So the last month has brought me closer to home and closer to God. And I am grateful. What a relief. My restless spirit is finally calming down.
My reward here on earth is peace of mind. My eternal reward, heaven. ♥️
Photos: all mine, taken at different places at different times; last photo is the memorial garden for my best friend and her son.