Unraveling

In one of my earlier blogs, I mentioned that I write with me in mind first and foremost. It’s because I need to hear it maybe more so than anyone else. Writing is therapy to me and I typically feel better after writing. But I want you to know something else about me. While I sometimes appear to be this strong woman who has things figured out, I am the furthest thing from that. While I write with determination and conviction, I have great difficulties living it. Tonight, I will be brutally honest. Tonight, my world seems to be falling apart, unraveling. Tonight, I can’t breathe. I’m in all the places I just don’t want to be. And I don’t know how to fix things or make them better. Where do I go from here is weighing heavy on my heart tonight.

All I have ever wanted was a simple life and a close family. Sunday dinners. Frequent gatherings of bonfires and games. Holidays of fun and laughter. But nothing has ever been simple. And complexities keep us from being as close with each other as we once were. I suppose that is only natural. But I don’t have to like it. I was excitedly hoping that my grandkids would grow up around cousins, aunts, and uncles. I wanted them to have what my children did not. The reality is, it’s just not gonna happen. This was my vision, not necessarily theirs. And it hit me hard today. Three of my six children have moved away to start new adventures of their own. My three grandchildren are with them as well. Selfishly, this is an unraveling of my dream.

I want to sell my beautiful home. Financially, I should move. Plus, I don’t need this much space once all the kids leave. I need a place that is more manageable for me to care for. But with all my kids spreading out, I don’t know where to go. Where is home? I feel so absolutely lost. They say that home is where your heart is. Well then, my heart is torn into six pieces.

My hours at work are being cut dramatically. I might even lose my job in health care in a few weeks. Who knows for sure, but I feel I need to plan for that. What do I do? Do I find a place to move and a new job now? I truly don’t know how to handle this. Health care isn’t a surety these days, not even with Covid-19. Not like I thought anyway.

I have so many decisions to make. Big decisions and many little ones. And I am angry that I have to weather this alone. I feel helpless as I watch my life unravel.

As you can see, I am just as human as you are. You have decisions to make and burdens to bear that are just as difficult as mine, only they are yours. You may even have illness or addictions or other things to bear that I do not. We just need to push through these difficult times and do our best and give the rest to God. I once wrote that tomorrow is usually a better day. And if tomorrow isn’t, the next tomorrow will be. I’m holding onto that. I want you to hold onto that as well.

My youngest son and his beautiful little family are moving a long, 14-hour drive from here. We said our goodbyes today. With this sadness, my work schedule being cut, and the chaos in this Covid-19 world, I am overwhelmed, tearful, and somewhat afraid. I just needed to write. Thanks for being here.

Let’s focus on James 1 this week.

Be grateful. ♥️

Andi

PS Just so you know, I am excited for my son and this new phase in his life. I wish him well, and send with him all my love. I just miss my family.

Photo: my photo