September 16, 2013
In the night, as I sit alone in my room, I think of many things. Not that I can solve the world’s problems because I cannot even solve my own. But I am a thinker. It’s what I do.
Tonight my thoughts are a tangled web of “what if”, “why”, “I’m scared”, “I hurt”, “I want more”, “I need more”, “I feel caged”, and “I can’t breathe”. Anxiety, at its best.
And as I sit here on my bed, I find myself both paralyzed and restless. Unsettled, in every sense of the word. And then…just as the nighttime chill from my open window brushes against my skin, words from an old, musty poetry book whisper to my soul. It is at this moment, a peace settles over me. I realize that not only am I a thinker (and a fidgety one at that). I am a dreamer. I am a wanderer. I am a searcher. And I am not alone.
A few years ago, I read a poem written by the late James Kavanaugh. That poem led me to read another of his poems, and then another, until I quickly realized what an amazing writer this man was, and while I don’t agree with all his thoughts, he became my favorite poet. He was a searcher, as am I.
“Some people do not have to search – they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned. They do not seem to ask much of life, sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them – seldom do they understand me. I am one of the searchers.” ~James Kavanaugh (an excerpt from the introduction to his book, “There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves”, 1970)
I understand, and share in his sentiment, in all 285 beautifully written words in his introduction. He spoke what is on my heart. In this blog, I will share my own heartfelt thoughts, personal interpretation, and examine a little further into who I am as a searcher. I believe, to most, I am a complex being. Maybe even troublesome. Considering that I am also a Gemini, that may very well be true. To me, I am simple, but I will compromise and say, I’m simply complex.
I find myself drawn to the beauty of nature. I am overwhelmed at the variety of life found in the depths of a forest, captivated by the ever-changing personality of the Great Lakes, and am mesmerized by the movement of an ocean. I’m in awe of the view from a mountaintop, intrigued by the connection of every living creature to each other, gracious of the purposeful design of life, and renewed with every sunrise. Having a strong desire to wander this earth, often off the beaten path, in search of things not seen before.
We are happy with the simple things in life. But to others, we are complex. Maybe because we appear to be unsettled. And, well, maybe we are to a certain extent. Many may not understand the way in which we dream, as they are often content with their own lives of defining rules, expectations, and boundaries. And that’s perfectly okay. It’s a place of safety and surety. We, on the other hand, are restless souls. What is out there for us to capture, feel, and explore? Searchers seek to fill a void and, of course, find answers to their many questions concerning life.
We are explorers and adventurers, romantics and skeptics. Always searching for answers, and rhymes to our reasons. Struggling with answers that are not clearly defined. Looking for alternative ways to present the same question, in order to find an answer that seems the closest to truth, because we desperately desire truth.
We enjoy the mysteries of life but not so much in relationships. We desire to be deeply loved. We long for a love that appreciates the wanderer in us. One that embraces our uniqueness, is intrigued by our ability to love, respectful of our busy minds and of our curious nature. A love that appreciates humor and laughter. One that doesn’t stifle or criticize dreams and bucket lists. Or that creates unreasonable boundaries to confine our spirit. But a love that appreciates a good adventure as well…even if only in a dream.
Maybe we are an odd sort as we can find a kind of peace in being sad at times, and comfort in being alone, because we feel these are as important as any other aspect of the human spirit.
We feel deeply, and hurt easily. We wear our heart on our sleeve. Forgiveness typically comes easy for us and we have a tendency to forget. To our own detriment, we often share too much, and other times, we share too little. Our timing is off much of the time. We may appear wishy-washy but it’s just that our minds never stop. Sometimes we cannot keep up with our own thoughts.
We dream big, but have a tendency to live small, as we haven’t quite figured out details. But still, we can be quite content sitting among the dandelions in our own yard, admiring a busy bee. We love hard, and we fall hard too. Regardless, I wouldn’t want it any other way. To feel so deeply, even when it hurts, only means we are truly alive.
Searchers look at life as an adventure. Regardless of who you are, we all write our own adventure. Life is an incredibly short journey, and there is much to do and explore. And to love. Looking back, I see a captive mind, a restless soul, who didn’t grasp the swiftness, or vastness, of life. Therefore, I didn’t use my time and energy as wisely as I could have/ should have. Here I am now in my late fifties, with the energetic mindset of an 18 year old, and a body that is no longer on the same page. Oh, I haven’t given up. I will never give up nor will I stop dreaming. But realistically, many of the things I’ve searched for, longed for, and wondered about, might just have to remain in the confines of my mind.
I will continue though, to cherish the searcher in me. The wanderer and the dreamer. For this is who I am and it keeps me happy and youngish. It’s not easy living with a wild mind that rarely sleeps. Actually, it is quite the contrary. Be grateful for who YOU are. You don’t need to be a searcher to live to YOUR life to its fullest. The diversity of people makes our world amazing.
Strive to be better than you were yesterday. Kinder, more loving, and forgiving. And always be grateful. ♥️
As always, thank you for your kindness in reading my blog. Coffee is perfect on this sunny, but chilly day.
I avoid FaceBook per se but I do venture there to visit my memories. I find treasures in some of the notes I’ve written years ago such as this one. Today, I expanded on the earlier version.