An Emptiness I Cannot Imagine

Original post: August 14, 2020; edited.

My morning ritual of coffee and time with God has become very important to me this summer. I will miss these early mornings on my front porch swing when winter arrives. Today as I read through 2 Peter, my heart found the words to this post. I’m thankful for this inspiration.

All my life I’ve been different. Even as a young girl I felt different from my family. Not necessarily like a black sheep, although I did feel that on more occasions than I care to recall. I just never felt like I fit in. And I really didn’t. I was awkward. I didn’t get the jokes. And I was taken more seriously. I was deeply drawn to God at a very young age. We would play church and I would be the preacher and song leader. We were raised Catholic. Sort of. We weren’t strict Catholics by any means. I had my first communion but never went to confession. Had I done that, I probably would have had to move into a confessional. Not that I was a bad girl per se, but just knowing the way I think (overthink), I would have over-analyzed every thought, every action, and turned it all into sin. And I would have thought that confessing to a priest was the only way I could get to heaven. So I’m glad I didn’t grasp the whole Catholic confession thing at that age. I left the Catholic Church in my mid-teens and became Lutheran when I got married at 19. Eventually, I became just a Christian.

No matter where I was in life, or what I was doing, I always believed. Even when I understood nothing. I have no idea when I first heard of Jesus. Maybe it was when my mom shared the Christmas story with me. But from day one, I believed.

And I had to know Him.

I had within me a flame of determination to find God…and I kept searching until I did. I asked those in respected places questions but they could not answer. And I had a boatload of questions that needed answers. So I kept searching. It hasn’t been an easy road, but I’ve gained a lot knowledge and insight along the way. And even after finding God, I realize that Christianity is a continued journey of self-discovery, of learning and growing, of obedience and submission, along with daily challenges of His will vs mine.

My story has been filled with highs and lows but is really no different than yours. Situations are different, sure…and each of us is unique, so the way we respond to things will vary. There were times when I was a very strong Christian. And then there were very low times of me testing my independence. But I always knew He was there. Always. Never have I doubted or disputed His existence. Have I denied Him like Peter did? Yes, I have, and shamefully, more than Peter’s three times. But never His existence.

With all this being said, I cannot possibly imagine the emptiness and the loneliness of not believing in God. Actually, I cannot comprehend life without Jesus. Even before I knew God, I believed. I knew He existed. How does the mind (and heart) write off God as nothing? Nonexistent? How does one believe, and then later, not believe? I have never not believed so I can’t go there. I just can’t.

What would be our purpose upon this earth?What would give us hope? And what would fill that empty place in our soul if we chose not to believe in God. Why would we have a soul?

Such an emptiness…I simply cannot imagine.

I don’t even want to try.

I know loss and emptiness. I know rejection. But without God…none of these compare.

This week focus on the existence of God. Believe with all your heart that He is real and that He is ever-present. Because He is. We need Him now, today. And He desires for us to come to Him in our joy, and in our sorrow, in our strength, and especially, in our weakness.

Our God is amazing.

I enjoy and appreciate our coffee time together. And I am thankful for each of you who spend a few minutes reading my thoughts.

Currently, I cannot drink coffee for health reasons, so I drank a cup of hot cacao with a small amount of coconut milk. And as I reflect on my words at the first part of this post, I am saddened that I do not spend that same quality time with Jesus as I did then. I do not like, nor do I fully understand why I cycle on and off with God. But only I can change that.

Since D came into my life, he has blessed my life with an ease that I have not experienced for a very long time, if ever. And perhaps because he does take such good care of me, I have unintentionally pushed God off to the sidelines. But I know it’s not wise to call on Jesus only when life is hard. We need Him to be very fully present in our life at all times.

This post was read and rewritten today for my benefit. It shows me where I was spiritually in 2020 and where I am now. The infamous 2020 was a very difficult time for all of us, but today, in 2026, our need for God remains the same.

♥️

Andi

Photos: sunset view as I drove to my thinking spot, August 13, 2020, (Instead of a storm chaser, I am a sunset chaser.)