This Gift

While it’s cold and rainy outside, I am sitting comfortably in my place of refuge, my cabin. The gas stove that D installed last fall makes the cabin so very cozy. That in itself is a blessing and a gift. This place is where I find my peace. Writing comes much easier here too.

Many of you know that my dad passed March of 2021. He and I had a difficult relationship. Regardless, I loved him, and I believe he loved me. Although we were flesh and blood, we were on the opposite spectrums in many areas of life; things we were very passionate about. Sadly, we lacked the ability to communicate well. We both became defensive rather quickly. He was sharper and quicker than me so I usually ended up hurt and retreated in anger. There the anger would fester. Then I’d write my anger out in a text or email and let him know how I felt about the topic at hand, and why. That usually never went well. But I believed I could write/explain better than I could speak. Still do. Especially with someone who is wittier and faster on his feet. 

Looking back is still so painful. Regret is painful. But this particular pain only reflects how much I did love him…filled with many I wishes.

After he passed, his wife gave me some of his clothing to give to my daughter so she could make a quilt using pieces of the clothing. Denae made her a beautiful quilt. 

This year for Christmas, Denae surprised me with a quilt as well. I love it. There are pieces of Dad’s shirts and parts of his headband with marijuana leaves, and a portion of his swimsuit with a pocket where I can put something meaningful. There is also a strip of flannel from a shirt of my mom’s. The quilt drapes over my rocking chair in my cabin. I will treasure this always. 

Life is full of regrets, many of which, should never have been made. If we could all just accept the fact that no one is perfect. No one has all the correct answers. We should simply agree to disagree…more often.

I found out the hard way that there isn’t always time to make things right down the road. Today is the perfect day to call a truce, or wave a white flag. It doesn’t mean you have to give up the things you truly believe in, or deny who you are. It simply means loving someone enough to live in imperfect harmony…without making future regrets. 

I loved my dad.

One day in January before he died, he called me up while I was driving home from work. He asked me a question. 

Why do we have such a hard time getting along with each other? 

We talked for a bit. I shared my thoughts, and….he listened. By the end of the call we agreed that day was to be day one of our new relationship. What a special moment that was for us.

I’m glad for that conversation. But as it turned out, he got sick a few short weeks later. He spent six weeks in three different ICUs and finally passed the end of March. We didn’t have any time to exercise our new relationship. Something I was looking forward to.

My dad was the most influential person in my life. He still is in my head, and heart, with everything I do. He taught me so many things about life without actually teaching me. If that makes sense. 

This gift, that Denae made for me, means more than words could ever describe. 

♥️

Andi