What is Perfect?

I’ve done a great deal of soul searching over the last few weeks. Maybe a better definition is healing. I feel it is time to share this healing with you since I’ve been pretty much absent here lately.

In my relationship with Matt, I viewed perfection through my own eyes. I wanted our relationship to be absolutely perfect. So I struggled from time to time when things didn’t go my perfect way. But through reflection of our past conversations, learning more about Matt from others, and my time with God, why things happened as they did has become quite obvious.

Matt was so much stronger than me. He was dedicated to God and remained steadfast in his personal belief system. I have nothing but respect and admiration for him. I’ve learned that just because our relationship wasn’t perfect in my eyes, doesn’t mean it wasn’t absolutely perfect. Because it was.

During the last two weeks of Matt’s life, I tried to spend as much time with him as possible without being too much of a burden to others who loved him as well. His family and friends knew their own relationship/place with Matt. So during those final weeks there was a lot reminiscing, heart-to-hearts, forgiving, laughing, and just loving. I enjoyed watching their interactions.

In my case, our relationship felt like it was just beginning. Matt finally spoke of me to others. He had brought me to the surface of his heart. So you can only imagine the excitement raging inside of me. I already knew that what we had was special and unique for each other. I didn’t give anyone else the same attention or affection I gave to him. He knew that and held onto it. As he told his sister, it was important. Matt kept me in his heart but never shared my existence with anyone until his last couple of months.

For me, that time spent with him was my greatest high. It was refreshing, reassuring, and most definitely, loving. We had many talks and touching moments.

After Matt passed, I had to redefine my version of perfect. There was such a great sadness to overcome first. Tears were shed everyday for weeks. After three months, I still cry. And I still cannot listen to Never Once, a song I played for him in the hospital.

But what I discovered that IS perfect is how we were, how it all came out in the end, and all that he taught me to be. I really don’t have anymore questions. Oh, maybe I still have little questions about his life, but the big questions have been answered. And I find great peace in that.

God gave us all the time we needed with Matt, and the time Matt needed with each of us. He beat death many times this year for a reason. One thing I do know for sure is that God was ever-present throughout this entire time. You cannot have anything more perfect than for God’s hand to be directing it all.

My perfect wasn’t Matt’s perfect. Nor was it God’s. And I truly understand that now. Finding closure was painful only because I felt short-changed for a bit. You know, gypped out of a forever. But God blessed us with time together. He gave us both exactly what we needed in the end. And it is perfect. God is so good.

Matt told me if I find someone to love he better be an angel. (Those are some mighty big wings to fill.)

I told Matt he was my angel. And now he truly is. ♥️

Andi