An Emptiness I Cannot Imagine

Original post: August 18, 2020. Edited.

**I have been struggling these past few months to write. My muse, my inspiration, became very ill during the winter. He passed in June. Today is August 1st. A second month has begun without him here. I am struggling with his loss. I look through old posts and give some of them facelifts. I hope you don’t mind recycled posts. It’s the best I can do at this point. ♥️

My morning ritual of coffee and time with God has become very important to me during this trying summer of 2020. I will miss these early mornings on my front porch swing when winter arrives. Today as I read through 2 Peter, my heart found the words to this post.

All my life I’ve been different. Even as a young girl I felt different from my family. Not necessarily like a black sheep. I just never felt like I fit in. And I really didn’t. Well, maybe I was the black sheep. I was awkward. I didn’t get the jokes. And I was taken more seriously, and ridiculed because of it.

I was deeply drawn to God at a very young age. We would play church and I would be the preacher and song leader. We were raised Catholic. Sort of. We weren’t strict Catholics by any means. I had my first communion but never went to confession. Had I done that, I probably would have had to move into a confessional. Not that I was a bad girl per se, but just knowing the way I think (overthink), I would have over-analyzed every thought, every action, and turned it all into sin. And I would have thought that confessing to a priest was the only way I could get to heaven. So I’m glad I didn’t grasp the whole Catholic confession thing at that age. I left the Catholic Church in my mid-teens and became Lutheran when I got married at 19. Eventually, I left there as well and became a plain ole’ Christian.

No matter where I was in life, or what I was doing, I always believed. Even when I was a little girl and understood nothing. I have no idea when I first heard of Jesus. Maybe it was when my mom shared the Christmas story with me. But from day one, I believed. And I had to know Him.

I had within me a flame of determination to find God…and I kept searching until I did. I asked many, many questions in respected places but they could not/ would not answer me. And I had a boatload of questions that needed answers. So I kept searching. It hasn’t been an easy road, but I’ve gained a lot knowledge and insight along the way. And even after finding God, I realize that Christianity is a continued journey of self-discovery, of learning and growing, of obedience and submission, along with daily challenges of His will vs mine.

My story has been filled with highs and lows but is really no different than yours. Situations are different, sure…and each of us is unique, so the way we handle things is also unique. There were times when I was a very strong Christian. And then there were very low times of me testing my independence. But I always knew He was there. Always. Never have I doubted or disputed His existence. Have I denied Him like Peter did? Yes, I have, and shamefully so. But never His existence.

With all this being said, I cannot possibly imagine the emptiness and the loneliness of not believing in God. Actually, Even before I knew God, I believed. I knew He existed. How does the mind (and heart) write off God as nothing? Nonexistent? How does one believe, and then later, not believe? I have never not believed so I cannot comprehend life without Jesus.

What would be our purpose upon this earth?What would give us hope? And what would fill that empty place in our soul if we chose not to believe in God. Why would we even have a soul?

Such an emptiness…I simply cannot imagine.

I know loss and emptiness. I know rejection. But without God…how does one get through?

This week I ask that you to focus on the existence of God. Believe with all your heart that He is real and that He is ever-present. Because He is. We need Him now, today. And He desires for us to come to Him in our joy, and in our sorrow, in our strength, and especially, in our weakness.

Our God is amazing.

God exists.♥️ Be grateful for that.

Andi

Photos: first photo was taken on the way home from the hospital the night before Matt passed; the others are one sunset, different angles, August 13, 2020, (Instead of a storm chaser, I am a sunset chaser.)