A Realization

I am becoming more vastly aware of many things as I get older. One, is how lonely people are in and out of marriages. I am lonely outside of marriage as I’ve been divorced now almost 8 years. I had much healing to do and much to come to terms with. Many people are fine with being alone. And while I do enjoy my space and a little independence, I wasn’t designed to be alone. Last night I came to an understanding of why I’m not in a relationship. And why I probably never will be.

We come from an imperfect world, yet we demand perfection. Perfect, I am not. I know my imperfections and those are a stumbling block for me. I want to be as perfect as I can be, with all my imperfections, in order to be a good, no…a great, partner. But everyday I seem to find myself further behind. I am missing the mark I’ve set for myself. I saw that vividly last night. And while I might be vague in this post about what exactly my particular realization is, I just want to share my thoughts with you. In other words, vent.

Life has taken its toll on me. I’m the same person, yet very different. This last year has been especially hard on me, on everybody. And I get that. But I’m just not springing back like I should. This isn’t how I anticipated life would be at 60. It’s downright hard. And it’s lonely.

I think I have the right to say “I’m not good enough” for a relationship because I know me. Now don’t send me a bunch of messages of worry for me. Don’t be worried. It’s not like that. But you have to be smart. And observant. You have to be able to ask yourself, “what do I have to offer another person?” And you need to be honest. Honesty is a killer of sorts. It can be brutal. If you cannot see your own value then you cannot share with another. It’s as simple as that.

I’m always going to be a fixer upper. Even more-so-now with age. No one really wants to pursue, or deal, with that. And I get it…and yet, I don’t. Starting over at this age with the expectations of a yesterday long gone, is not conducive to a healthy new relationship. Saying goodbye to my youth is the hardest thing for me, and I’m not dealing with that aspect of life very well.

There’s also this huge issue called baggage. We have one or more suitcases full by the time we are middle age plus. So at this age, if looking for a relationship, you have to sort it out by asking what can I live with, and what can’t I live without. And this can be a very difficult task.

This blog is a slight distraction from my dad’s situation. But he has been stirring up some much deeper thoughts about life and love. As I try to fit my own pieces of life together, past and present, I realize what a difficult puzzle I’ve lived. It’s a mess really. Torn pieces. Dark pieces. Beautiful pieces. Missing pieces. I guess that’s a harsh reality of life.

I can honestly say though, that after all these years I see great progress in finding my inner peace. Daily, I strive to be a better and happier person. The Apostle Paul suffered from what he called a “thorn in his flesh” and he prayed that it be removed. We can speculate what the thorn was. Many believe it was poor eyesight. But God didn’t remove it from Paul, from my understanding. Paul needed to endure it throughout his time. We all have a thorn or two in our life. I am no exception. For one, I believe I am not designed to be alone. But the reality is that I need to come to terms with it.

Don’t be sad. This wasn’t meant to make you sad. Or mad. This is me sharing with you real life feelings. Maybe you have similar and maybe this helped. Maybe it didn’t. I just needed to get it out.

We need to make peace with ourselves. We need to be honest with ourselves too. Even if it hurts.

I hope you have a wonderful day. I plan on having a good day even though I am preparing for the next part of my journey with Dad.♥️

Andi

Photos: a beautiful scene on my way home from work last night.